What Do I Do Now? - Salt Lake City, UT

C.,

Let hime know that you love him no matter what, and that you're not judging you just want to help and you're there for him if he needs it and leave it at that! When he's ready...he'll come to you! It also helps me to remember that Heavenly Father loves us no matter what...love the sinner, not the sin!

Peace!
J.
WAHM of 2 girls and a supportovie hubby!
www.SaferisBetter.com/4myfam

Tabbaco addiction is one of the hardest habits to break. I would back off a bit and not make it such a big deal. My BF smokes and I wanted him to quit but after two months of him hiding it and being grouchy, I let it go. He has to smoke outside, even in below zero weather. He has to wash his hands and brush his teeth after every smoke he has. I hate it. But he has to quit for himself, not for me. As for the lying, he probably doesn't want to disappoint you. Let it go. He'll quit when he is ready.

We can't marry people and expect them to change. We marry people AS IS. He's addicted. Cut him a break, please.

You have gotten some great advice. I will just echo some of what people have said. I am LDS & although I've never had a spouse with these issues, I've been close to people who have. First of all, I understand your hurt & frustration. You are completely justified in your feelings. That being said, I think that you would see more success with a bit of modification to your actions and outlook. In Stephen Robinson's book 'Believing Christ,' he speaks of a woman who had a smoking addiction and got baptized. She continued to smoke, trying to quit continually, for years before she was finally successful. He poses the question...When was this woman saved? When she quit smoking? The answer is no...it was when she made a commitment to follow Christ. None of us is blameless once we've taken on the commitment of baptism or of temple covenants. We all fall short. Sadly for him, one of your husband's struggles is really out there & obvious to see. I agree with the other posts that say that the judgment needs to come out of your interactions & love & support need to replace them. Otherwise, this will continue to be a source of contention in your marriage, and the chances that your husband will be able to kick the habit will be severely reduced. I would let things cool off for a few days or a week or so...no comments, looks, etc. Then I would tell him that you understand what a struggle this is for him, that you are sorry for doing anything that makes his struggle harder & that you are here to support him, not judge him. Ask him how he feels about where his is. Ask him if there are things you can do to help him. Tell him that you will help him find resources, if & when he wants them and that you will not push him into it. He really does need to do it on his own. Truly getting over it will only come from his own convictions to stop. No amount of guilting & prodding will ever work - by you or anyone else, including your bishop. You could also tell him that you want him to be able to share his failures with you. Show him that you won't get angry or frustrated with him when he falls off the wagon. Be his soft place to fall while he struggles through this. This problem can actually be turned into something that brings you closer rather than tearing you apart. My heart goes out to both of you. You both have a tough road ahead, but I think this way of approaching it will minimize the difficulty for both of you. Good luck!

I have some questions and I hope you aren't offended by them maybe they will help you see it a different way :). Although I am not mormon I live in a community were 80% of the population is, so I understand that the chew is a big no-no.

Are you upset that he is hiding it or are you upset that he hasn't been able to quit? This is really 2 seperate issue's. If you are upset that he is hiding it, then there are many reasons why. He knows it isn't good, that it is wrong religiously (sp?) and he knows how you feel about it. Imagine how that makes him feel, Quitting tobacco is as hard as any drug out there, but there are no detox centers for it, no place to help with the withdraws and no place to help with the cravings. He has to do it on his own, most people who quit will relapse, some multiple times before they succeed.

Ok, know let's take out religion, and his hiding it. And go to him as his wife, tell him "I know that you are still chewing, and I am sorry that this has been harder then either of us thought, what can I do to help?" no accusation what so ever, just complete understanding. Let him know that your concern your only concern is his for his health, and that you want him around for a LONG time. See where that gets you.

But I want to add this, if the worst thing your husband ever does in his life is chew, then count your blessings, and be thankfull, so many woman wish that that was all they had to worry about.

GOOD LUCK to you and your family!

C., slowdown...Breathe!
I have been married 2x,, this time for 12 years. My husband did the one thing I could never comprehend...something I dispise...He smoked. But in ever other category, he was amazing. I made my peace with it long ago. Of Course I wish he didn't smoke, but, he never does in the house, and never in the front of the kids or when the kids are close by. WE have 7 kids ages 6-26 years old. I decided long ago to pick my battles. We have a great marriage, never bicker or argue,and I am totally in love with him, still to this day. I know its wrong,as does he and so do the children. I chose to be married to a man with bad habit vs staying alone or waiting for someone else to be to fullfilled with every other need I had. I made the right choice, If your husband is wonderful in all those other husband categories, then accept him, love him, and teach those children about non judgement and unconditional love and acceptance. Your marriage will thrive when he is not sneeking.

First of all, I'm sorry for what you are going through!! It is SO irritating having something being kept a secret from you - when you suspect what's going on anyway. :(
Second, I would suggest maybe talking to him with your bishop present. Maybe talk to the bishop first and tell him about it, but that he freaks out when you confront him on his own. If your bishop was there, maybe he wouldn't freak out and maybe tell the truth. (If that would set your husband off more, ignore that suggestion.) Your bishop will have the spirit to know if he is lying or telling you the truth about it, and what further steps you should take to help him -if he has started to chew again. ... Sometimes just a 3rd person in the room helps keep the situation from getting out of hand. Good luck! :)

Hi C.,

My husband has had great success with helping many people quit smoking and chewing. He was just on the Alice morning radio show in the recent past where he helped 11 people quit smoking. He is a wonderful certified hypnotherapist. Please check out his website and give him a call for an appointment. www.askyourhypnotist.com

Good luck!
J.

Talk to your bishop, he can get you in touch with LDS family services which have addiction counseling services, it is inexpensive and HIGHLY effective and it is aimed at the very heart of the matter the word of wisdom and keeping our temples(bodies) clean. Your husband is displaying addiction habits and they are all normal to an addict, be it a smoker or a crack addict, they hide things, lie, and do what they can to get what they need, to varying degrees of course, I'm not trying to say your husband is a crack addict, just that he has a problem that is no less a problem than that of a crack addict because he is an addict. Its hard, and this is coming from an LDS ex-drinker and ex-smoker...IT'S HARD!!! Go see your bishop, he can really help heal your heart, family and spirit. I just hope that your husband is ready to do this, because that is the next step, he has to be a ready and willing participant. But he has to be aware that he can't have a recommend while he has this problem. He has to do this for himself but he also has a much bigger priority as well, a wife and 3 kids that need him to be able to hold the priesthood and you can't do that when you are lying and breaking the word of wisdom.

PRAY, TALK TO YOUR BISHOP, PRAY SOME MORE...
Remember the basics of the gospel and pray for him, sounds like he needs it.

All the best to you and your family

S.

C.,

I am assuming you knew before you were married that your husband chewed tobacco? Is it just recently that he has tried to quit? As a former smoker, I can tell you now that the constant nagging, or the perception that you are nagging, will only make things worse for the both of you. Using your religion as an argument for him to stop is a moot point for someone who is addicted to tobacco, alcohol, or drugs. Going through the temple; does this mean that you were counseled through the church, or were you Sealed? Have you looked into tobacco counseling or an addiction program? Could the patch work for someone who chews? I only know of one person who used hypnotherapy, but it worked for them. There are ways to present your concern other than you sounding as if you are accusing him of anything. Also know that if it isn't the way you are speaking to him, that it is probably guilt mixed with disappointment in himself for not being able to quit. Trust me, it is hard even when you really want to quit. You asked about the cravings and withdrawls; the unfortunate truth for both myself and others that I know, is no, the cravings never completely go away. The withdrawls depend upon the person going through them. Try looking on the internet for programs that may be in your area. When you find programs that seem like they will work and do not charge an arm and a leg, print up the brochure or have them send it to you. When you two have a quiet moment,not easy with children, start the conversation with telling him how much he means to you and ask him to look at the materials, assure him that you are there for him. Let the decision be his. Try not to bring it up for a few days after your talk and see where that leads. All of us who go through the withdrawls feel like someone is judging us even when our support tells us that no one is. Praying for someone without their knowledge is better than to let them think you are being judgmental. Good luck, I hope he can understand your concern and that he can quit eventually.

I.

C.,

I am also LDS, married in the temple, and I am married to a man who has struggled with addictions for the majority of our marriage. Some of those addictions he had before the marriage and some came after but all of them nearly ended up destroying our marriage about 10 years ago. I totally understand how you must be feeling. On one had you're thinking that this is the man you love, the father of your children, the man you commited to spending eternity with. On the other is your faith and what your understanding of the gospel is, and how what he is doing is against some of the those teachings. It's a very hard situation to be in and you have got some amazing responses back.
I want to suggest a book for you to read. It's called "The Peacegiver: How Christ offers to heal our hearts and homes." By James Farrell. It is so good and can say things in a way that I can't. But here is the basics of it.
You have been told to be non judmental towards your husband. To be supportive, and caring, offer to help him, talk to your bishop and all sorts of other things. And that all seems really hard to do right now. But in order to do all that, really the first thing you need to do is forgive him. Forgive him for not living up to your expectations in this area, forgive him for lying to you, forgive him for hiding this from you, forgive him for having this addiction. Only then will you be able to approach him in a loving, caring, non judgemental attitude. He may not change for a while, most definatly not when you want him to, but your attitude about him will change and how you treat him will change and those will bring about his change. It's so hard I know. Pray daily asking the Lord for strength for both you and your husband.
Good luck,

A.

Hi C.~

Nicotine is a highly addictive substance that is not easy to give up. But I can guarantee you that nagging at your husband and making him feel guilty about chewing is only going to cause tension and resentment. I know you don't like it but he is not going to quit until HE is ready, not because you are. It is obvious that he doesn't want you to know that he is chewing and feels he should hide it from you. You cannot control this issue. This is his issue to resolve when he is ready. All you can say to him is that you don't like it but when he is ready to give it up that you will be there 100% to support him in any way. That is all you can do is control your reaction to it. Be thankful that it's not something worse and love him, don't keep trying to change him. Accept him for who he is, not for who you hope he will be.

My husband had been addicted to chew for years. When we first got together he hid it from me because he knew I didn't like that kind of stuff. When I did find out and tried to talk to him about it, he got very angry. We had split up over it because of his anger issues with it. He had told me later that he quit and he wanted us to try again so I took him back. Come to find out he was just hiding it again so he wouldn't lose me. While he was chewing he had serious anger problems because of it. I didn't tell him I knew he was still doing it but I did tell him that if he didn't get his anger under control I was gone. It wasn't until he started having digestive issues due to the chewing that he finally quit for good. His anger issues subsided greatly when he stopped chewing. Just try to be supportive as much as you can but let him know that the angery episodes are unacceptable behaviors for the family's sake. When he is in one of his moods just ask him to take a time out so that he remains a good roll model for the kids. Good luck, I know how hard your situtaion is.

My husband is a recovering addict. Not a tobacco one, but I think an addiction is an addiction. The church has a great addiction recovery program. Sadly my husband only discovered this in the last year, even though he has been to counseling through LDS family services. It has totally changed his life. However, the person needs to be in a position where he realizes he needs to change. Go to providentliving.org there are resources there for addict and their families as well.
I think you do need to pray about what to do, Heavenly Father is the only one that can tell what is right in your marriage.

It sounds like you have having trouble watching your husband struggle with a really difficult habit. From your description, he is truely addicted and even with the moral imparitive of your religion, he is struggling. What makes you so angry? Do you feel his habit is effecting you or the children? Are you afraid that he is going to get cancer? Or are you just upset that he is not able to be honest. I suspect you might want to define your own feelings further. If he is "lying" or trying to hide his behavior from you, chances are that he is having a difficult time being honest with himself. I would suggest you approach him with empathy, noticing how hard this is for him and how you'd like to be a part of the solution to things, not the policeman or critic. Breaking any long term habit takes support and dedication. Does he medical intervention? Sometimes, health insurance helps pay for help in that area. Remember, nicotine is a highly addictive substance. It will a difficult approach to how the two have you started to overcome this problem. S. W. LCSW www.sarahwellstherapy.com

C., Sounds like you have two situations. One- the chew. If he doesn't respond well to face to face conversations about this... give him a letter kindly telling him you concerns without judging him. Also tell him you feel hurt by his hiding and not trusting your support. Go to the tobbaco quit centers and ask how they can help. Get information on the process (withdrawls, patches, support groups, etc) and leave the info with your letter. This will give him space to read your letter and process what he wants to do.
The other situation sounds like lack of trust on both sides. Look into counseling( with your chruch or a professional)and nip this is in the bud early. We can tell you love him and care about your family.

My husband has chewed for 37 years (since he was 5... boy raised on a ranchin TX with cowboys). He has tried several times to quit but always fell off the wagon. It will have to be a driving force for him to want to quit bad enough to go through the withdrawls and mood swings. Yes I am angry and frustrated that he won't do it for his family, but he has to do it for himself. I have told him that when our son shows intrest in it... it will not be in our home again. His mom didn't protect him, but I WILL protect our son.

Good Luck! This one is tough!

C., you have received some good advice here, and I'll be repeating some of it. I think you really need to hear it. This is coming from someone who has a husband who dips, has quit, has started again, wants to quit, and struggles.

I am not LDS, but I did grow up in the SL Valley and have a very firm understanding of your faith. Yes, you can go to your bishop, and, yes, he can essentially take care of scolding your husband for you. Putting on the restrictions, etc. But rest assured that if you do that your husband is only going to resent you more and it's going to cause more problems for your marriage right now. Before even considering this, calmly talk to your husband.

As has been stated, nicotine is EXTREMELY addictive. Your husband can't just walk away after the Temple Blessing simply because his physical body says he can't. Part of the addiction is a hold on the brain, as well. Honestly, Christ understands and is willing to forgive, despite this being against anybody's religious beliefs. It takes time, it takes willingness on your husband's part, and (maybe most importantly) it takes understanding on your part. Nagging and confronting him makes him feel like you're attacking him. Like you feel he's less of a man, not someone you WANT to be with. He's only reacting as anyone who is constantly bugged about a bad habit is.

The best thing for the both of you right now is to sit him down and not get upset. Apologize for your nagging, let him know you're concerned about his health. If you feel you need to remind him of the covenants of your faith, then POLITELY do so. Ask him if he would like to go to the bishop for help (remember, I said don't turn him in...it'll cause a whole lot more problems at home). Ask him if he'd like to find some methods to try and help break this addiction. If, at this time, he says no, don't sweat it. He's understandably sensitive because of your arguments. He has to want to make the first step or it won't do any good. Be patient, be understanding, be supportive. This is going to take time, and you making it well aware that you completely disagree with his addiction and pushing will only serve to make him do it more.

Please don't freak out. I know it's difficult, but it will make things better. Rest assured other Mormons are in your position, though some are struggling with alcohol or some other addiction, so you are NOT alone. You'll be okay, just take a breath, keep praying, and be supportive. Breaking addictions are never easy, and they take time.

No one is perfect even when they go thru the temple. We strive to be perfect. What I hope you can do is talk to your Bishop, He may be able to help you. Pray to your Heavenly Father, Trust in him. You can do this. God be with you.

I like all the responses that you have gotten. They are great. He is an adult and you treat him as a child. This is really difficult. My son is/was addicted to chew and it is a really bad habit. I had taken him to a naturepath for back problems when the guy noticed his chew. He told us about bee pollen and how it can help. You can get it in bulk in any health store. You must make sure you are not allergic to it first. Are you allergic to bees? You can use pollen just like chew and stick it in your cheek so you have the feel of something there and it also curbs the desire for chew and it helps to cleanse you blood of the chew and make the cravings less. Some guys don't like the feel of it others don't mind it. My son has used it twice and he actually liked it. It has helped him break the habit. You can also put it in capsules and take it that way. It helps purify the blood and get rid of the craving. I had no Idea about this until told about it. Luke, my son actually put it in his cheek like chew. He said it was a little dryer and that took a little getting used to but it worked! Just and idea.

One of the most important things I have learned about addiction is that it is all about the underlying issues and not the substance. When an addict tries to quit all of the underlying issues start to rear their ugly head and it becomes excruciating. It is extremely important that anyone trying to overcome a long-term coping mechanism has new resources in place first. Any addiction is simply a way to cope with all the fear, pain, judgements, guilt, and shame that are running rampant within the person. New ways of dealing with these feelings and thoughts needs to be available before they can even think about releasing an addiction. There is an amazing place in California called Passages that deals with this type of philosophy. They bring a team of practitioners and support people to each addict and provide a complete approach. They also believe in a cure and don't buy into the "disease" model of addiction.

I have also learned how painful it is for everyone involved when we hang on to the "shoulds". He shouldn't be addicted. He shouldn't lie. I shouldn't feel this way. I should be able to help him. Etc. When we let go of the "shoulds" and just face what is, we then can feel the feelings (anything from anger to grief) and then solutions and possibilities can appear.

I spent many years in a relationship with an addict, trying to change him, praying every day for him to change, doing all the "religious" things I was supposed to, begging, nagging, pleading, crying, getting angry, shaming, blaming, making up for it, taking the blame, etc. Finally, after many, many years I realized that the only person I could change was me. The "shoulds" became irrelevant. Whether anyone should or shouln't didn't matter. It was what it was. So I began to focus on myself. What were my fears, behaviors, judgements of myself? What were the internal beliefs that I had that was creating what I was experiencing? I am now free of debilitating depression and constant exhaustion. I have learned what loving yourself really means and how it really does effect how you love others. I am a strong advocate of self-care and now understand that you can't really be there for anyone else until you are there for yourself. I spent years blaming him for all my woes when the reality was I had created all of it myself through self-judgement and clinging to the core belief that I was inadequate.

I understand the deep desire for the addiction to be gone. I understand the anxiety created by the LDS belief system that it "shouldn't" be this way. I understand the desire for Heavenly Father to step in and make it all better. I also know that we receive support when we face the fears and judgements and release blame. Clinging to what "could" be is only going to keep us stuck. When we get real with what is and feel the feelings, that is when the miracles show up.

My best wishes to you and I send you my support and love in this stressful place, T.

My sister's husband is trying to quit and it has been over quite a few months. I know he has slowly decreased his dipping until he was just dipping mint leaves and it getting off of those now. It's been hard for him, but he needed to make the decision, which has helped. (He is getting baptized this coming Saturday).

I know it is hard to be kept in the dark (or so to speak). My dad is a smoker and has been for years, but always tried to keep us in the dark. From that, I can say it doesn't help the person with the bad habit to be dishonest about it. My parents marriage has really struggled from it. He was always angry if my mom ever brought it up, so it was swept under the rug. Now I realize my dad was ashamed and hid it so we wouldn't be around it. If your husband really wants to quit he needs to know you are not going to judge him for it and have the support of family members and friends. Nicotine is a very real addiction, and is not a battle easily won. He needs to make the decision and he needs to include you in the process. Getting angry and trying to keep you out of it is and excuse. He know he needs to stop, but he isn't willing to fight the battle. My heart goes out to you and I hope I have said something useful to you. Good luck. I hope he includes you in his battle with the dip.

I am also LDS and the 1st Councelor was one of my visiting teachers the other day.

He made a statement to me that was very thoughtful, did you know that Brigham Young said; " I love the smell of tobacco in church, it means whoever is here for help with the gospel."

You need to not make your husband feel he is being judged, as I am sure he feels bad enough.

Tell him there is no need to hide this from you, because you understand that it is a very difficult thing for him.
That you love him and whether he stops right now or a year from now, you are there for him.

Ask yourself if you made him feel in the past that the smell of his tobacco was very offensive to you? If you did, then you need to assure him you would rather be kissed with tobacco breath than not be kissed at all.

Good luck C., pray and count your blessings.

C.,
The two main issues: Honesty and Trust.
It has been my experience that when I am feeling that I can't trust someone, when I go deep I realize there are things about myself that I don't trust. Are you being 100% honest with your husband? Are there things that you are hiding from him? Are you allowing him to be 100% honest with you without expectations?
With my whole heart, C.

C.,
Trust me lying in a marriage is NEVER good! Lying just ended my 17 year marriage. I too am LDS and never in a million years would I thought I would be in the situation I am in. My ex lied to me for our whole marriage! I never knew what was up. At least you do. Please don't let this lay dorment. If it upsets you and it clearly does you need to have a discussion with your husband! He is defensive because he knows what he is doing is wrong. Don't let this be about you because it is NOT! Be honest with him and let him know how you feel. Try to not be accusing. Just tell him you know he has this struggle and you want to know how you can help him!

Good luck!
C.

The more you pressure and push him the more he will do it, and HIDE it from you. He hides it because of your reaction. Chewing tobacco is EXTREMELY addictive, I think even more than ciggarettes. Anyway you need to help him, for most it is very hard to just quit cold turkey. My hubby quit, it has now been for about 3 months!(applause) In the beginning I used to nag him. It didn't work. What worked for him was first I had to educate him about how this was hurting his health and the consequences (getting cancer or losing half his face). He slowly replaced the chew with jerky chew (its beef jerky, but in a chew form) He cut back on the amount he chewed until it was only once in the evenings, then stopped all together. And he also drank more caffeine to help with his cravings. Now I know it is probably not the best way to quit a habit by replacing with another, but at least it is not as bad. Now he is trying to wean himself off the caffeine. So that is what worked for him. You need to be supportive and positive with someone that has an addiction, not nagging and pushing them away.

Talk to him:
"Honey, I'm sorry that I've been kinda nagging you about the chewing thing. I guess I thought it was over, but now I'm thinking it's not. Lately I've been feeling like you've been lying to me - hiding it from me. and that feels yucky. I don't want that. I realized that I've been hurting you when I should've been helping you. I don't want you to feel like you have to lie to me. I was reading online about some other husbands who are dealing with the same chewing thing and someone was talking about how very addictive it is. I guess I didn't realize that. Is that what it's like for you?"

after that point, offer NO ADVICE. NO FIGHT. NO "I feel"... Just listen. "That must be hard." Ask him more questions about what it's like and what he's tried and what works best or what his current plan is. You're completely the listener. You want to understand him. No advice. No judgement. He'll open up to you and everything will be OK. You'll make love and live happily ever after :P...one day at a time.

When you married, it was for time and all eternity. not for a while until he has a problem that's hard to deal with.

find out what his goals are for the chew stuff so you can be supportive. He really can't do it alone. and he knows all the reasons to stop. It just takes more than that. Don't make him do it alone.

There might come a time later when you can make suggestions. But in a loving way...and in a "I read this _________, have you ever tried that or think it might help? I don't really know what it's like so it's hard for me to tell what would help and what wouldn't."

Good Luck. -- Remind yourself of all the good things you love about your husband; support him; you'll be happy.

Men don't like feeling like they are being chastized or treated like children. If you don't want him to lie, then accept he is addicted and help him with it instead of scolding him about it.
The best thing you can do is print out reasons why he should quit for health reasons and not guilt him about the religious standpoint. That guilt on top the fact it is an addiction is making it hard for him. He has to want to quit.
He feels shamed and that is adding to the pressure of him truly quitting.
I am a religious person and I believe that you follow through with beliefs in regards to your faith, however nobody is perfect. When there is an addiction it has to be approached from the medical side and helping him on how to overcome and get to the place he wants to stop. He needs to stop for himself and family, not just because you want him to or your religion.
Going and talking to a medical professional, using the patch or anything that will help him with the side effects of quitting.
You being supportive is what he needs. Him sneaking is adding to his guilt and that isn't okay. He needs to feel like you understand. Good luck and God Bless, God is powerful, however he gives us free will and also has blessed us with medical interventions for addictions. Your husband has to want to quit and seek help for quitting. God will help but only when your husband decides he wants to. You married him knowing what he did, now it is an issue but you have to let go of trying to control it, he has to do it.

Hey C.,

I have a friend in the exact situation - chewing husband, LDS.

Here's my advice, and you're going to hate it.

LEAVE HIM ALONE ABOUT IT! He is lying and hiding it from you because you are nagging him and grilling him to quit. If he wants to chew, then he wants to chew. If he wants your help quitting, leave him the heck alone and don't even mention it. Then he may come to you for help, but I doubt it.

Think of all his positive traits and talk about those, and work on not nagging.

Marci,
PS I am LDS too, I believe me, I know you want to slap me right now, but just pray about what I said, and ask the Lord to take over, and take the burden off your shoulders, since you can't do anything about it anyway. I know you care about it and have good intentions, but men don't think or communicate the same as us, and you are coming across as his mother or the Tobacco Police, not his wife.

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry you are going through this situation. All I can say is keep the faith, pray for help and guidance, keep going to the temple, and maybe talk to your bishop about it if you're willing to. I have not been in this situation so I could be totally wrong, but I think that if he really wanting to quit, he could. He needs to set priorities and figure out of his family and faith are more important or if the tobacco is more important. Have you asked him - recently - how he feels about his commitments he made with you and his faith? Maybe he needs to re-evaluate himself and decide what is most important. Good Luck!!

Addiction is a very powerful thing, even in the Church. The best thing I could suggest is for you to go to a good therapist. Yes, you. It would be great if he would go, too. but, if he won't , then you have to learn how to cope with his addiction.Perhaps after you went he would be willing to go with you the next time. I can give you the name of an excellent therapist, but I would want to do it personally, to you only. Church Social Services has some wonderful therapists , too. Take my word for it, I have had experiences involving addictions, and the very best way to get a handle on it is with good, qualified help. There is nothing shameful about it. Let me know if you want my therapists name.

I think approaching him in a very supportive way by letting him know you are here for him and just want to help is the best way. Tobacco is very addictive and can be extremely hard to quit. I am sure his defensiveness is out of frustration and embarrasment. Let him know that you love him and you are his partner. You are not here to judge, but to support him. Ask him how you can support him. I understand your frustration and hurt in him lying to you. Keep in mind that this is not something he is doing to be deceptive it really is out of embarrasment. Jennifer O. had some great advice. Pick a time when the kids are not around and he is relaxed. Maybe have a night alone and pick a time when he is open to discuss. Good luck C.. Remember all of the wonderful things about your husband and the love you have for him. Try to keep the judgement part out of it and understand the struggle he is going through. Tobacco is extremely addictive and it may take a long time for him. Be supportive. Good luck and best wishes!

What comes to mind first is for you to pray together. Just the two of you at night or morning. In your prayers keep it general, like pray for your relationship to grow and for help in any personal struggles we may be having. This way he knows you care without seeming judgmental and you have the help of the Lord as well. Whatever you do good luck.

A tabacco addiction is an extremely hard addiction to break. He probably wants to stop, but he won't be able to do it on his own. The LDS church has an addiction recovery progam through LDS services. Talk to him, if you can, about attending the group. It is a wonderful resource and follows many of the same steps and methods as other addiction recovery programs but also talks about the atonement and how it can help with addiction recovery. There are also usually resources for the family. My sister leads one of these groups so I am familiar with the program and it is amazing.

Hi C.,

I am responding from a place of love and understanding. I am also LDS, and very non-judjmental so anything I say is only to help. First, I know how angry and upset you must feel. It is hard to be lied to. I have been in a somewhat similar situation, not with tobacco, but where my husband and I were not being totally honest with each other.

The first, and best thing you can do for your husband right now is to put those feelings of anger aside. I'm not saying they aren't justified feelings, they are, but they won't help you. He is ashamed of his habit and that is why he is hiding it. He doesn't like hiding things from you I'm sure. That is also why he gets angry when you ask him about it. So that puts you in a bad position. How do you you open him up to talking and confiding in you when he is feeling defensive and ashamed?

A couple of things that might help: Try talking to your bishop if you feel comfortable. He may be able to offer some advice. I know this one can feel like the furthest from a good solution, but this really could help. Second, when you do talk to your husband, timing is everything. Make sure the kids are in bed or at a sitters house. Make the setting non threatening, approach him gently and out of love not anger. Tell him how much you love him, how much you want to be there to support him, how he is your best friend. Tell him you are sensing in his body language and some strange occurances that there is something he is "holding back" not "hiding" (holding back is less threatening). If at any point he starts to become angry, put your hand on his, and tell him that you love him. That you are not trying to upset him. If he doesn't come out with it on his own ask him directly, no acusingly, if he is still having a problem. The important thing, and difficult thing, is to remain calm and loving. It has to be sincere though. Pray for strength. I know you two can work through it!

Good luck!
H.