I grew up with an alcoholic father. So, I bring that to the table in all of my relationships. Trust issues, codependency, etc.
I married an amazing man who is hard working and dedicated to his family. But, when we met 15 years ago, he chewed tobacco, which I couldn't stand. He stopped about 8 years ago and today I found a dip in my car and I'm feeling really bummed about it. He has always had a tough time coping with stress. He tends to look to substances to cope. I asked him about the dip just a little while ago and he admits that he's been dipping again. I'm totally bummed. I've been working really hard at not trying to control the choices that he makes. When you grow up in an alcoholic home, somehow you feel responsible for helping people make the "right" choices. He had a problem with prescription drug use for a couple of years and he's been in recovery from that.
Can anyone else relate to watching a spouse struggle with their coping? I love him and trust him on so many levels, but realize that this is one area that I can't fully trust. He doesn't always tell me when he's slipped back into tobacco use, but he'll admit it if I ask. I don't want to tell him what to do because again, I don't think being codependent is healthy. I want him to be healthy and to take care of his body and mind, but I can't make him do that. I just thought we were beyond all of this... but, I guess people who are addicts struggle with addiction their whole life.
Several years ago he struggled with prescription drug use after an injury. He came to me on his own and told me that he had a problem and wanted help. But, between my history with my own family and his history with chewing tobacco and prescription drugs, I'm left feeling sad and bummed. I'm in a better place in the sense that I know I can't "fix" him. I've shared with him my feelings about today and he's acknowledged what i've said and agrees that he doesn't cope well under stress.
I don't want to micro-manage his alcohol use. He's never shown me to have a problem, but I've been sensitive to his drinking because of my own history in my family. He is respectful of my feelings and drinks primarily outside of the home, 1-2x per month with friends. Once in a while he'll have 2-3 beers at home, but it's rare.
Can anyone relate to having a spouse with these types of issues? Have you found a healthy approach to dealing with this? How do you let go?
Please share.
Thanks!
I woud not see him sneaking around to dip as a reason to not trust him in general. Sounds like he just didn't want to disappoint you. But he's not engaging in behavior that harms anyone but him, and poses no danger to others. Driving while dipping, for example, does not impair him, while driving while drinking would.
Tobacco and certain prescription drugs can be addictive for anyone. Those substances are unique. Most likely if he can drink alcohol without a problem, he doesn't really have a problem with addiction.
He's not an addict. He just has a really gross habit :-) I guess we all have to put up with something from our spouses.
What it comes down to is that this isn't about him, it's about you. I strongly recommend that you find a local codependency support group and start going to meetings.
He's not an addict. Stop calling him one.
It's really common for addictive personalities to swap out one addiction for another.
I've seen recovering alcoholics smoke like chimneys and drink coffee by the gallon.
Nicotine addiction is tough.
If he's been off it for awhile then he CAN stay away from it, he's just fallen off that particular wagon for right now.
Given a choice of addictive substances/ behaviors - I'd pick coffee as the least destructive (although a Starbucks habit can certainly be expensive!).
I don't think his drinking is a problem.
Tobacco/nicotine in any form I have a problem with.
I've got more dead relatives than I can count on two hands that have died due to tobacco related issues.
I think you need to work with a counselor to overcome your insecurities/childhood.
You can't change your husband.
You can only work on yourself and your outlook/attitude.
Please consider talking to someone about this. Dipping is such a not big deal. It's not something you should be able to say you like or don't like, if he wants to dip it really is his choice.
Plus you are going to look for "addictions" where there are none. Growing up the child of alcoholics is a hard thing to overcome. This is your issue, not his.
I guess I don't understand dipping being in the same category as alcohol with you. I agree that dipping is gross, but it's not as bad as smoking is. At least he's not smoking.
There are plenty of substances that people are "addicted" to. Coffee, soft drinks, pizza! Needing certain things isn't terrible.
I think it will help you both if you'd let go of pushing him.
I tend to agree with Fuzzy on this one...honestly, you're doing a really fine job of trying to overcome your issues and being honest that this is at least partially YOUR issue as well as his. I admire that in your post.
From the outside looking in, and just having been around the block a few times - if you already know he has a propensity towards addiction, chewing tobacco is probably one of the better ones to have. He's not giving people cancer from his S.-hand smoke, he's not driving drunk...yeah it's disgusting but if he's keeping it away from you I doubt you're tasting it on him or finding spit cups everywhere (EW! And yes, I've been through that). So I vote for giving the guy a break.
Honestly, he seems like a very stand up, very sweet guy. I feel bad for him because it is obvious he really does have good intentions. I would try really hard if I were you, not to nag him about this, and to just tell him you love him and are here for him. And thank him for keeping it away from you and the kids. Obviously he knows you don't accept it or condone it. He knows it can cause cancer, too. Maybe if you talk to him about it you can agree that he will try to quit again when things settle down (you mentioned stress he's dealing with currently.) It may end up being a deal breaker for you, but that is your choice. I think realistically, lots of people have lots of nasty habits, many, worse than this. And they get along fine in the world, somehow. Only you can decide what you can and can't live with, however. Everyone has their own limits. Good luck!
(ETA - As you say, he chewed tobacco when you met him. So you have to keep that in mind. He probably only quit because YOU wanted him to, to begin with. That will never keep someone away from something they enjoy and are addicted to. So I definitely vote give him a break. I also agree with Christy Lee in that he is not an alcoholic - however, tobacco IS addictive and if he has to have it to cope with stress, then yeah, he is probably addicted. Just don't go overboard, seeing addictions all over the place where there aren't any.)
it's hard when you've grown up in a home with parents with addictions. i'm with ya.
i don't think it's being 'codependent' in your case. your husband's addictions are not your father's, and the lack of 'trust' are more about you being so sensitive and fearful about it that he doesn't trust you either- to be relaxed about it.
his drinking sounds very minor and manageable. it's a pity about the tobacco, but it took trying, failing, cheating, sneaking and 'just now and then' for YEARS for me to fully kick it. my kids guilt-tripped me over it. i'm so relieved my husband didn't.
i'm not beating you up, hon. i get your concerns over it. but i do think that you should consider counseling to help you learn how to step back and place boundaries around yourself when it comes to 'managing' your husband's 'addictions.'
khairete
S.
Here's my two cents worth! My only concern would be oral cancer. Go buy him a can of that mint dip, it's not tobacco, so he can still dip but not worry about cancer. There's others I think besides the mint. Go check it out, then present him with a healthier alternative. I don't see an issue with that small amount of drinking, so let that go! Good Luck!
Agree with the others that say this is about you more than his addictions.
Continue to attend Alanon (I assume you do/have considering your earlier experiences with family and him). If you don't? Do! It's ALL about dealing with codependence.
GL
