How Would You Feel and What Would You Do?

I have a friend that miscarried a set of twins that she very much wanted. She has been upset for years because the paperwork from her D & C called it an abortion. Don't be to judgmental about it. Unless the paperwork is from an abortion clinic instead of a obgyn office or hospital it was probably a miscarriage that required a D & C.

My oldest two girls are 20 and 22. Although neither of them have children, I imagined what I would think if I found that slip of paper in their room and what I would do about it.

First, I think I would be hurt that they couldn't come to me and be honest. I would feel bad that I had created a situation where even if they did something I didn't believe it, that they thought I wouldn't be supportive. Can you honestly say that you would have been supportive of her decision and not tried to push your feelings about abortion on her?

Second, I would feel bad about missing out on a grandchild (in my case, it would be the first one). However, it is not my job to raise that child - it would be very unfair of me to put her desire to be or not be a mom before my desire to be a grandma.

Third, I would feel very proud of my daughter. Proud that she knew herself well enough to know what she could and could not handle. Clearly your daughter has learned alot from her first son and recognizes her emotional/financial/social/whatever it might be limitations. It doesn't matter that she doesn't have to pay rent or whatever, raising a child is the BIGGEST thing a person can do. It's alot for any 20 year old.

I would put it out of my mind that I ever saw that paper. I love all 6 of my kids dearly, but at some point I need to treat them like the adults they are - making their own choices, supporting their own beliefs, living their own lives.

Good luck.

I wouldn't bring it up. This is about her, not you. As you said, it is her choice. She is 20 with a 1 year old - she did not want to burden you, or herself for that matter, with another baby. Sometimes values change as circumstances arise. Will she regret the decision, I don't know one woman who has an abortion that did not regret the decision, but knew it was the best decision at the time. Put yourself in her shoes, would you want a 2nd child at the age of 20 while you are trying to get your life in order all the while your mom is already doing so much to help with the one child. I can't imagine the plethora of feelings she has and will go through about this. B/c she expressed being against abortion in the past I am sure this decision was not an easy one. I feel for her, although, she does know how babies are made and she should have taken better actions to keep this from happening, but hindsight is 20/20.

You are mourning the loss of a grandchild and that is completely understandable. You do need to deal with those emotions.

If you do decide to talk to her about it I would not bring up the fact it was against your beliefs - why? b/c it is already done and said and there is no going back. And, it is her body and really none of your business - sorry to sound harsh but it is the truth. The only thing I would talk to her about is that you are now here to support her and hope she can talk to you about anything going forward. Of course, you cannot be judgmental when she does talk to you or she won't do it again. You can express your values, but you cannot make or even expect someone else have the same values.

And why did she tell you? Maybe b/c in case something goes wrong or she wasn't feeling up to par, she wanted you to know about the pregnancy/'miscarriage'.

I am sorry you have been hurt. You are a great mom by helping her through this time in her life - some parents wouldn't be doing what you are doing. Others would be asking for rent, making her work, and assuming she could be in school at the same time - pulling the preverbal, you made your bed now lie in it. Good job Mom! Keep it going...

Wow, that is tough!!! I agree with you, I would think that she would not have said anything at all about it rather than lie.

If I were you, I wouldn't bring it up. What good will it do? It will not bring the baby back. She knows how you feel about abortion which is why she wasn't truthful with you in the first place.

Try and think of her and how she is feeling right now. I have never had an abortion, so I don't know for sure, but I bet it was really hard for her to make that decision. I just don't think that you talking to her about it will benefit you or her. I would try and just let it go.

I would not bring it up, if I was you.
She did not tell you, because she knew that you would not approve and she did not want to inflict more pain on herself than she was probably already in.
She is an adult, who made an adult decision. Not an easy one, but in her situation, it is a responsible option.
You violated her right to privacy by reading the notice and if you don't want to destroy your fragile relationship, I think it would be best if you never brought it up.
I actually believe that she is probably suffering just the same as she would if she lost the pregnancy to a natural miscarriage, so make sure you offer your support and keep your judgement to yourself.
Good luck.

PS - you may want to gently make sure that she has access to reliable birth control. Maybe a semipermanent measure like an IUD or the shot would be preferable to whatever else she is using (which is obviously not working as intended).

Why do you feel entitled to another grandchild that your daughter is not equipped to handle. "It's her choice, blah, blah, blah...". That's the truth. Let your adult daughter make the choice what is best for HER. She didn't come to you because she knew she wouldn't get the support she needed. Let her deal with it in her own way.

Not reading the rest for lack of time... so I hope I'm not repeating:

I've had SEVERAL miscarriages. One which nearly killed me. In nearly every case where I had a D&C (instead of carrying the dead baby until my body flushed everything out... which does NOT always happen, many time a woman will go to term and deliver stillborn OR the miscarriage can be life threatening to let it carry out on it's own -placenta ripping away from the uterine wall which causes hemorrhaging and death)... anyhow in nearly EVERY case, the D&C has been referred to as an abortion in the paperwork.

It's a computer thing in most cases (as in they type the code and that's the word that gets printed out), and just a familiarity in language thing in other cases. Because a D&C is an abortion (whether the fetus is alive or dead), and an abortion is a D&C.

It's the SAME procedure, regardless of whether the baby/fetus is alive or dead, or whether you're in the middle of miscarrying (which can go fast in a couple days, or even take weeks/months), or are "waiting" for a miscarriage of a dead fetus.

If she told you it was a miscarriage, and she feels strongly about abortion, and was in any of the cases where a D&C are necessary (life saving, middle of a miscarriage, or awaiting a miscarriage), dollars to donuts she told you the truth.

I don't tell people I aborted a dead fetus, I tell people I miscarried.

I don't tell people that my placenta was ripping away from the wall and I nearly died along with the dead fetus so I aborted, I tell them I miscarried.

When it gets technical, I don't tell people I aborted EVER, I tell them I had a D&C.

I would just be there for her. At this point. You can't talk her out of it because she already did it. You did your best to raise her and she made an adult choice. Whether anyone on here argrees or disagrees with it, it is her choice and she made it. So just do whatever you can to be there for her and support her. I'm sure she needs a lot of that right now. Good luck, I know this has got to be tough!

I hear how painful and shocking this news is to you. I would feel sad, too. A few thoughts come to mind when I read your request:

You know the phrase "…the courage of one's convictions?" It's a common human failing to have the convictions, but not the courage to live them fully under pressure. That pressure might be an attractive young man urging you to make love, or the terror of facing the responsibility of a raising a second child, or the hurt you know someone will feel if you tell them the truth. I'm sure you can find a dozen failures of your own without looking very hard. Do your best to forgive your daughter for being human, and as flawed as the rest of us.

You're right, you shouldn't have seen the note. Your daughter is an adult, and entitled to privacy, even if she is living with you. My first husband and I lived for a couple of weeks with my mom after we returned from a trip abroad, and she barged in on us regularly, even after walking in once while we were making love (there was no lock on the door). Perhaps it was to encourage us to find our own housing – I'm not sure, but we were out of there as fast as possible.

On the other hand, maybe your daughter longs for you to really know about her life and who she is, and thinks certain topics can't be broached. Consciously or not, she may have left the note where you might find it, as an alternative to ever having to tell you. She may be deeply suffering and wishing she could confide in you. You could just ask her some evening, while sitting together quietly, if she has anything she'd like to talk to you about. It could all come spilling out.

Finally, I have the thought "co-dependent" when I read all the things you are providing for your daughter, without requiring anything of her. It might be worth looking into. Otherwise, she may keep making the same mistakes because she has so few natural consequences.

My tender thoughts to you all.

I have a daughter who will be 24 in October. She is not married and has zero children and has never been pregnant that I know of. She works two jobs faithfully without missing any days so I'm pretty sure she's never been pregnant or anything. (I do worry about it though, she's not a teenager anymore!)
Anyway, I'm wondering if you are more upset that your daughter had an abortion or that you found out about it.
You don't believe in abortion, so why would she tell you if she knows you will be mad?
I wouldn't say anything to her.
As for lying or betraying you, she already has one baby and if she lost her second one for whatever reason, do you love her any less?
I don't know exactly what the papers you found say, but I had a miscarriage and the papers said "spontaneous abortion" or something to that effect. I remember being so hurt because spontaneous made it sound hap-hazzard and abortion made it sound like I chose it. I didn't.
I wouldn't say anything to your daughter. The baby is gone either way.
It wasn't ripped from your arms.
Your daughter is 20 and she had a right to choose.
If she truly made that choice, I doubt she took it lightly.
Don't give her grief over it. I'm sure she has enough.

Best wishes.

I would take time. I would hate for you to try and approach her calmly and then your emotions get fired up and then she could possibly take her son and leave. Then, you wouldn't have them in your life anymore. This is a very hard, very touchy, very emotional subject. She's an adult and she's trying to do the best she can. I'm sure she didn't do that in haste........I'm sure she thought it was the best choice for her and her son. Ya know? Just give yourself some time to heal silently if you can. Maybe one day in the future, you can tell your daughter that you know the truth and you respect her decision, but you wish she would've come to you for guidance and support before she made that choice. Just so she knows that in the future, she CAN come to you no matter what.

I'd feel the same way as you. Just continue what you're doing to support and encourage her. If she talks to you about it, listen and help her deal with things. Pray for her. I'd put it out of your mind unless she brings it up.

I think she told you she had a miscarriage to release some of what she is feeling. She had to come to you with one pregnancy and probably couldn't imagine coming to you again, especially if you are giving her the chance to finish school. While I do not believe in abortion as well, I think your daughter probably felt like she had no other choice. A parent's love is unconditional, so continue to help guide her without bringing up the abortion. Maybe ask her if she is taking her pill b/c you had a dream she wasn't, so she can avoid having to make such a decision again.

Hello as I read your story my eyes filled with tears. Because I too had an abortion many years ago. I don't regret!! It took over 5 yrs to feel confortalbe enough to tell my mom. I was young and I didn't have support of the father and I didn't want to have to raise a child alone. But when I talked to my mom about it she felt the same way. Not believing and that I took a grand baby away. But I exaplained that it was not the right thing for me at the time and I didn't want to rely on my family to support me and the child. They had enough to do for my younger sibilings. After this talk my mom realized that I did it for my future. And respected me for it in the long run.

But she had her mixed feelings. An I respected her feelings.
Maybe if you sit down and really HERE her side of things the hurt will feel less of a disrespect, but a respect of taking control of her future and her sons at this time of her live. It sounds like she is on her way for a great future and maybe that is what she is going for?? Just be there for her as a MOM and a FRIEND.
I hoped I helped you alittle.

I agree with A.C. that it might be best to wait until you aren't so emotional about it. You need to be able to let her know that you accidently saw the paper, and have a separate discussion about why she made that choice. One unlikely possibility- some doctors will call the procedure to remove an already deceased embryo an abortion instead of a miscarriage.

I would put it out of my mind. You said it, it's not your choice...it's hers. You may not agree with it, but that's the way it is.
I don't blame her. She is trying to put her life together, parent a baby, go to college. I would have done the same thing.

Since I have a 5 year old daughter, it's hard for me to relate to this, but if I actually put myself in your place, I would address it. Tell her what you found. Tell her that you understand what a hard and painful decision it must have been for her, and then hug her and tell you you're available to talk whenever she is ready. It's that simple. You can't address it in a negative way, she's already on an emotional roller coster and she needs time to heal. Be a parent, but be a friend somehow and allow to to think you are approachable. She may need you.

Talking is good. Lecturing is not. Listening is even better. She obviously lied about the miscarriage, but she did it to not hurt your feelings. Her beliefs may still be intact with the family system, but perhaps the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy/procedure are more complicated. She will always be your daughter but she has a whole life to live filled with difficult and delicate decisions. Remember that we can be more angry at ourselves than somebody else ever will. Because she was instilled with good values she will always have that for her base and turn into the fine human you raised her to be. Of course that will be after many tough growing pains. And the 20's are the hardest years! If she hasn't come to you and you cannot let go of it, then go to her. Remember to have an open mind and an open heart. She has already suffered the worst punishment. Good luck!

I'm guessing that she didn't tell you because she expected you to be judgemental and not supportive? I've known a lot of women who have had abortions. It's never and easy choice and it's never a happy choice, but given a woman's circumstances, sometimes it's the most responsible choice. I'm sure she didn't make the decision lightly. Let it go -- she's an adult after all. Hopefully, the clinic will also provide her counseling on birth control options so she doesn't face another unplanned pregnancy in the future.

This was probably the hardest decision she has ever had to make , harder than choosing to keep her son , if she is working/studying and a mom , and she is not in a relationship then she probably thought that adding another child to the situation right now was not the best option , and given that she knows your opinion/beliefs on abortion , she feels that telling you she miscarried was for the best rather than upsetting you. I would not tell her that you know , she will assume you were snooping in her room , instead I would make it clear to her that you love them both very much , and she can talk to you about anything , and one day when she is not hurting so much she may open up to you about this.

I just want to add that I hope you don't listen to the advice of Lady J , that is not how to handle this situation

Since you weren't meant to know and she told you differently, I would not bring it up to her at all. She is under a lot of pressure. Me and my whole family are anti-abortion, believe it's a baby at conception, etc., etc and I don't agree with what she did, BUT I could also understand her situation as I was almost in one like that and crazy enough when you feel like you're backed up against the wall with no way out, you will think of options that you wouldn't dare touch (mine was a delayed period, whew! - was in college and already had a child).

It would've been better for her to discuss this with you, but she was probably worried about what you would think of her and didn't want to disappoint you. And I'm sure she feels guilty about what she did since of her view of abortion initially.

I would wait a month and then perhaps in the right time and place, you can just reassure her that whatever happens in life and if she finds herself in any kind of trouble, that your arms will always be open and that you won't judge her and are willing to listen. Give her a big hug, tell her how proud of her you are. Then leave things as that.

I can understand your hurt and disappointment and also the feeling that you have lost your grandchild because you have. You and your husband have been there for your daughter and first grandchild, so it’s sad that she didn't trust you enough to come to you for help and advice. Still, you found confidential information by mistake and it would not be right to bring it up.

I suggest setting some time aside for just the two of you to have lunch or dinner and just reiterate how much you love her and she must understand that she could come to you and dad with anything. She may be having a lot of guilt over the abortion and just needs a little nudge to get it off her conscience.

Blessings.....

What has happened is now the past. You cannot dwell on it. Your daughter left those papers there, hoping you would find them. She needs someone to be there for her right now. She did not tell you that she had an abortion because you are against that. However, she made the decision, it cannot be reversed, and now she needs her mom. Find some alone time to talk to her. Ask her if there is anything that she wants to talk to you about. She wants you to know, she wants to talk to you or she wouldn't have left those papers out in the open. Lastly, get her on a long term birth control. The pill (if she's even on it) may not be the best thing for her if she is forgetful. An IUD might be something that would be better for her right now. Do not even say anything to her like you said in this letter as far as feeling like one of your grandchildren have been ripped out of your arms. Right now that is not what she needs to hear. She needs to know if this ever happens again (hopefully the birth control will prevent that) that she can talk to you and you will be there to listen and help in any way.

Good luck to both of you!

Wow!!
That's a whole lot of rice for just one plate of Mole!!, Anyway, I agree that she didn't tell you because she thought you were going to judge her, you have expressed that even though you dont agree with that you respect her decision which is very high of you. I think that an abortion is never the right answer (take it from me, I had one) and having to deal with that regret, and other judgements is not easy at all, but I think it would be really, really great if you told her that you stand by her side, no matter what. (My mom did that with me, and I felt like a new person)
I know you feel like someone just took the baby right out of your heart, and believe me, she feels just as bad, unfortunately nothing I can say will help with that, I'm really sorry about that.
It is a tricky one, whatever you decide, please send my love to your daughter, I know she is in a really bad place, right now, and all my heart goes out to her, to her little one and to you.

I'm in the same boat with Riley J. - I've had a couple of miscarriages, one of which was "missed," and did not proceed on its own, so I had to have a D&C, which is the procedure used in "elective" abortions. If she believes the way you do about abortion, this would be an easy way to explain it.

By the way, Planned Parenthood provides all kinds of health services; PP is not synonymous with abortion clinic, though there are specific PP facilities that do that. When I was young, poor, and uninsured, I went to a PP clinic (that did not do abortions, by the way) for my annual exams. They offered pre-natal care as well. Just because the paperwork is from PP doesn't mean your daughter is lying to you.

If I had a daughter (I have 3 sons), I might try to talk with her about how she felt about her miscarriage and simply proceed from the assumption of honesty. If I found out something else in the course of the conversation, I would certainly do my best to leave all judgement to God and simply be there for her.

Good luck.

You are so right that it's an intensely personal thing. And it is her thing to sort out. Your love for her is clear. I hear that. That is likely what she will benefit the most from - love, unconditional love. The kind of love without judgements or guilt or blame. We ALL do things that we might choose to do differently given the chance, but we can learn and grow from those experiences. Judging them serves little benefit for anyone. Appreciate all the wonderful qualities your daughter and grandson bring to you and to the world. Don't let this one thing dim the wonderful job she is doing raising a son and going to school to build her future. None of us are perfect. We are perfectly human. - Give her love - and yourself as well.

This is a hard one to answer. First of all you gave her values and beliefs growing up. She knows how you feel on the subject of abortion so to spare you she said she had a miscarriage which is possible. The paper that she has in her room may have been from the clinic and that is the term that they use for a miscarriage. Her decision her choice her body as she is over 18 and considered an adult. What you may not know is why -- the father's response, her feelings, her ability to cope with another child while going to school and trying to make something of herself for her and her son. Yes everyone has an opinion on abortion for or against but the only truth is the truth when you are put in a situation and you (as an individual) have to make a decision to sink or swim. What is done is done.

You feel a loss but you would not have had these feelings if you had not seen the letter. Give her time. I say this because my daughter came to me about six months after she had had an abortion to let me know and it was hard for her to do this and this was over 10 years ago. We are close and in some ways we are closer than before. So don't go beating yourself up. Do love her and respect her for her decision. Don't put a wedge between you two as she does really need you even if she doesn't say so.

May you two find peace and harmony and have a long friendship as women.

The other S.

PS There is still time for other grandchildren to come so be patient.

Personally, I wouldn't talk to her about it just yet. It sounds like it is too emotionally raw for you, and you might end up saying something that would cause your daughter to either lose trust in you or hurt your relationship. I would find a counselor or speak to a minister about this - not about your daughter and what she did, which was (as you say), make her own choice, but about your feelings and how to grieve and move on.

Once you feel that you have your own feelings under control, then I think you should talk to your daughter, because I sincerely doubt that you will be able to just put it out of your mind. Talk to her about birth control (please! Even if you've been through it before!), and about lying to you. Find out why she felt she had to lie to you rather than coming to you to talk honestly about not wanting another baby at this time. There has been a breakdown in communication somewhere, and it may or may not have anything to do with you, personally. You may wish to have this conversation in front of your counselor so long as your daughter will not feel that you are ganging up on her (instead, she should feel like she has an unbiased 3rd party to help mediate - if your counselor is too opinionated on the topic, this is not a good idea). Perhaps you will be able to talk through some of the issues in your relationship and at least have a better idea why she chose to act the way she did. I would not focus on the fact that she had an abortion so much as the fact that she (for whatever reason) didn't feel that she could talk openly with you about not wanting another child and her different options and their pros and cons. I wish you the best of luck.

i would feel pretty upset and hurt. i am as anti abortion as you can get.I can understand how you feel so hurt. and yes, even thought it wasnt born yet, EVERY child is meant to be. and i dont believe we have the right to choose whether that baby gets a chance to live or not. that is incredibly selfish. if i were you, i would talk to her. i mean i personally would be so hurt and angry with her. but what you should do is tell her how you feel about it. not to offend you but she sounds very selfish. and apparently she doesnt care about what she has done.
the way i see it, she is living in YOUR house. so she should have some rules. if she were MY daughter i wouldnt let her live in my house if she would have an abortion. i know that sounds harsh, but OH.....abortion is my soap box.
im not saying you should do that. but dont just let it stew inside. it will just get worse! talk to her.

It was not meant for you to reed. You should not have read that paper. If she wanted you to know she would have came to you. I agree with all you had to say about abortion. But this was none of you business to read. I would be upset like you, but this is for her to deal with. So now what do you do. You wait and see if she comes to talk to you. This was her decision to make, she will now have to live with what she has done. You have no idea why she did this.....so do not be so quick to judge her. You do not know that the wording on that paper rings true.... a miscarriage or DNC may be involved here. I would not talk to her until she came to me and asked for help on how to deal with it. Until then you now have to live with what she did on your own. This is just my opinion. I wish you luck.

You are free to totally disagree with me, but here goes.

First of all, try to believe her.

Secondly, if she did chose to have an abortion, its possible that she won't regret it. You will always regret it, but you are different people. Yes, you want her to believe the same things that you do, and she likely does believe many of the same things, but maybe not everything. Part of being a grown-up is figuring out the ways that you differ from your parents. She's no doubt trying to become the best woman and mother that she can.

You seem to me like a religious person, so I think that you should pray that you find a way to accept your daughter's differences and know that whatever judgements will be made of her are out of your control.

Good luck.

I have had a miscarriage... and a D&C... and that is what the paperwork says... 'elective abortion.'

She seems to love her son... and as you said, wants things to be just so with her son. She is a young Mom... finding her way and her OWN parenting style and traditions. Young or not... a Mom, will do that and want to.
You seem to be a gracious Grandma... and Mom of your daughter.... although it is sometimes 'hard'... to feel 'judged' by someone so young who has different ways than you. BUT... she is a Mom. Now. Just guide her.
Think about it if it were you...
Each Mom, is an individual... their own person.... and not the 'same' as how they grew up and not an 'identical' replica of you. It is normal.
You raised her... then as an adult now... she has her own ways. It does not mean she is 'not' raised the right way or that she is rejecting you... she is just SEPARATE from you.
You need to accept her..... for who SHE is.... she needs that.
You cannot expect her... to be identical to you.
She loves her son... puts her son first... goes to school, works hard.... RESPECT that in her... that is very respectable, what she is doing. And you said you are "proud" of her.

Don't judge her....
she does not deserve that. It will alienate her... away from you.
You do not want that to happen.
You are family.
She is an adult.... with her own worries. Too.
I believe, she DID have a miscarriage.
Don't put wishful thinking upon her.. that you WISHED you had another grandchild. And that it was her fault, it did not survive.
It is not her fault.
Give her, compassion.

It was her body.... and her 'baby' that died. Not yours. Give her compassion.

It took me several months... to get over my miscarriage.
"Seeing" my Doctor, write down "elective abortion" was not easy to see. He explained to me, that it was just the way it is 'categorized.' Not what actually happened. My 'baby'/fetus... just died. I had to have a D&C.
It is sad... for the Mom.
Don't think about your ideas about it... it is sad for your daughter.

all the best,
Susan

Momof4 I just read your what happened plus a few of the answers; I agree with you, I'm talking from experience, she will regret it (if she in fact did it and it's something contrary to her beliefs). believe me looking at family pictures and knowing another child could have been there...I don't wish it on my worst enemy...the regret eats you up inside sometimes.
However, there is nothing you can do to spare her the pain; she is an adult and she will have to deal with it later. maybe now it feels like a relief, but it's not. As a parent, it's just heart wrenching to not be able to spare our children from pain, but along with every choice comes either joy or pain, she made her choice so just let her deal with her decision. she sounds like a caring young mother just trying to find her way, and I wish I could say something to take your pain away because you did lose a grandchild, I hope you find peace with her decision some day.
God bless,