I had asked a question about how everyone would feel if your parents adopted a child and didn't tell you?
I would like to thank everyone that answered.
I believe my parents have some serious issues they need to work on. I had talk to my parents yesterday and my mom said she feels like she has noone and sometimes wishes she wasn't here anymore. She said she was unhappy and I tried to tell her she needs to do soemthing about that and my dad is the same way. They are always telling us they wish they were not here. I have talked to both of them about how they treat the foster care kids and the way the treat other kids. I don't think it will do much good since I have done this before and it never changes. As for everyone telling me to turn them in really the social workers all think mom and dad are these great foster care parents and even when the foster care kids say something it falls back on them. Things have been said and nothing happens. I do wish my parents would quit and work on issues they have and maybe spend time doing things together so they woudln't be so unhappy. I have decided to live my life and not let them negatively influence me. I told them that no matter what they decide I will not be the one to decide to end our relationship. I will not keep my kids from them and I will not stop seeing them b/c they adopted this 13 year old boy just b/c i don't agree with what they did. I told them I will move on and get over it and it was their choice to do the same and not say we are out of their lives b/c of it. My dad did apologize to my sister for saying what she did. I had all the grandkids give them a card saying how much they love them. No way is this fixed but I do think I made my parents understand why we were so upset. I told my dad that he should never tell any of his kids they are no longer wanted b/c thats wrong and it hurts.
Yes I understand how some of you can say that us kids shouldn't care that they adopted this kid and I do understand that it is their life but I was only thinking of the child and not being selfish b/c I feel jealous they have more kids. I love the fact that they want to help other kids I just wish they would do it the right way. I just didn't want this kid to be adopted then mom and dad do what they did to the 2 girls they adopted. One who is at college now doesn't even talk to any of us b/c of the relationship b/w my mom and her and how she always compared us to her. She talks to us when she has to but thats it. The other girl who I talk to all the time and have her stay at my house (she loves helping my kids) from time to time has a better relationship with all of us. I just wish mom and dad would treat her like they do their own and not make the comments to her about wishing they didn't adopt her b/c it really bugs her. Trust me she can't go to my parents and talk to them either b/c it gets thrown back in her face if she isn't perfect. They boy that they just adopted gets away with everything and never gets punished even if he does something he shouldn't that is what bothers me. My adopted sister can do something and get into trouble for it and my adopted brother can do the same thing and nothing is said. I know that I had left a lot out and my family is no wheres near perfect but I do love them and love my parents. This has taught me how not to raise my kids and treat my kids. I would never have the heart to tell my kids they are not welcomed and I treat all kids the same--foster kids, my kids, my step child, my adopted brother and sister. We kids do not make the adopted brother feel like we don't want him or nothing like that. We treat him like one of us so please don't think that this boy is going to feel like we don't love him or anything. I just feel my parents are not the ones that should have adopted him since they have two other foster boys that they treat different b/c these boys have issues b/c of their living situation and b/c of how they grew up.
I am sorry if I came across as being selfish b/c I didn't want my parents to adopt that wasn't the main reason I was upset. It was more b/c they didn't tell me and then got all mad when we confronted them about it. Plus I was really upset when my dad called my sister up and told her he would no longer be in her life.
Thanks again for all your advice and opnions. I appreciated that you took time to read my question and answer it even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Have they actually adopted the kids where they are fully financially and legally responsible for the children forever? Or could they be just taking the kids in and doing this for the money?
Why on earth would they adopt a child in need of love and tenderness and family, then make him sit on a bed all day for totally normal reactionary behavior to stress, i.e. wetting the bed?
I'm a bit confused as to why it is so terrible that they have chosen to adopt. They likely didn't tell you as they already know they would meet with disapproval. They are adults, whether they heeded your advice or not. If more people adopted, the world would be a better place; so many children are without families or very dysfunctional families, and grow up to fill our prisons. When your parents say they are without kids anymore, what they probably really mean is they love having children under their roof. They very much identify themselves as parents, think the term "empty nest syndrome." Open your heart to your parents and this child. You may be surprised at the rewards.
I guess it comes down to how much you want your children to know their Grandparents. If you do, then your parents will tell things you agree with and don't agree with but it doesn't matter because it is their lives not yours. Just like your life is yours and not theirs. Do you change your mind when your parents tell you its wrong? probably not. You know how they act because there is a pattern. You can monitor the amount of time your kids are with your parents and your with them. If something is happening you don't like then you say "oh I forgot I have to go get...whatever and politely leave. The only person who can change how they react is you. If your on the phone and the conversation is going the wrong way (because you know they are not going to change) then say someone is at they door or so and so just came in I'll call you back later. don't be the person to put fuel on the fire for your own childrens sake and you will be teaching your children tactful ways to exit when you know that people are not going to change. The only concern is if you think any child is being physically or mentally abused, then you call social services anonymously. You can also have your sister over when you invite your parents or have her stop by for a SHORT time when they are around and slowly get them back together. have her be polite too. short and sweet then goodbye. Good luck.
You are entitled to feel how you are going to feel. But that does not mean you SHOULD be upset, they are your parents and they are adults. How many times have you done something your parents were not going to support and done it anyways? Did you want them to be mad at you when you still did it? I hope you will be able to move forward from this and choose to not let it ruin your family.
Definitely and odd and unique situation for sure. Apparently your parents cant handle an empty nest, haha.
Personally, I dont think any of the bioligical children should be upset about it. How the wall formed that your parents couldnt tell you they were adopting is where the problem lies. Maybe you guys (bio kids) should have had some family counseling when you were younger so that you could embrace the adopted/foster kids more readily? Parents dont realize that bio kids sometimes feel slighted in the form of sibling rivalry.
Honestly, I think all the bio's should embrace the adopted kids so they have a chance to grow up and thrive with good esteem. It must hurt them that their "legal" brothers and sisters are not accepting of them and this will definitely have an impact on them.
You said in your post that there is more to this, and maybe the missing info is what we need in order to give you better answers. Right now it just sounds like a bunch of grown biologicals are being selfish. Please give us more reasons why y'all are having the acceptance problem.
ADD ON:
After reading your edit, maybe you should talk to some authorities about this. I cant believe the screeners don't notice the dysfunction, and when they don't they do need to be alerted. If you feel/know that these children are being abused you should have the whole situation investigated. It does not sound good at all.
hello
first off, I feel PISSED at your parents. I was in foster care and know what it's like to NOT be treated well and that inner hierarchy that exists within the foster care system , exists because of the foster parents who then pick and choose who they like OR don't like best... There are good parents out there (somewhere) but so often the foster kids are abused by their caregivers. that said, sorry I can't even get to the rest of the problem here when I now know there is yet another kid in the "system" who isn't being treated as one of the foster parents own.. as we foster kids used to call to say to one another (As we were trained to do as such) " you aren't one of so and so "biological" kids" in other words, you were and ARE second best.. What is it with foster parents that seem to think that ok, they are giving you a roof over your head (granted they are also being given money to do it) that you don't also need first rate attention and love.. it sickens me to this day..
I am on your side on this one MOMOF3... ugh!! I am so irritated right now with your parents... Tell them from someone who has been there..those foster kids DON'T NEED their SECOND HAND LOVE OR THIRD RATE CARE.. IF THEIR HEARTS ARE NOT INTO IT 100% , THEN GET THE h OUT THE SYSTEM AND STOP RUINING A KID'S LIFE for yet a 2nd and 3rd time as the kids prior to coming to their home have probably IF like most foster kids, been emotionally abused..
oh this disgusts me.. sorry for the rant. obviously, you hit a nerve :)
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Your parents have the right to do what they want. I can understand asking your opinion, but in the end, the decision is theirs and it should be respected.
However, I have seen a great deal of "spoiled" parents, just as I have spoiled kids. For some reason parents seem to think they can control the emotions of their children by not speaking to them and shutting them out. I must say that is not a very mature way to handle life's problems, but I see and hear it all the time. All you can do is learn from it.
Having a child (naturally or by adopting) is a pretty big life event...would your parents be upset if YOU had a child and didn't tell THEM? Maybe you could tell your parents you can understand that they are upset (not why-unless you DO understand why?, just that they are), but please understand that if the shoe were on the other foot, they would probably be a little upset, too.
From the other things you say about your parents though (like them saying they don't have kids, etc.) I don't think they show much ability to empathize with others, which is sad for you and your sibling, ALL of them, so I'm sorry you live with that behavior :(
Yeah--if the kids are being abused--you need to step in. Call the police, call CPS...something!
Poor latest adopted kid--what a welcome to the family. Very sad. Sorry. Not to be harsh, but your parents sound like a real piece of work.
I'd feel awful, to say the least. But you know your parents and how they are. I dont' know how far away your parents are, but why not go over there and just say 'i love you mom and dad. i want to be in your lives. i want my kids to know their grandparents.' Give them a hug. If they still don't want anything to do with their own blood children, then they have major issues. At least you will know that you have told them that you DO want them. Maybe leave a little 'note' or photo album at their house before you leave. They will probably never say anything about the note/album, but if you put a very nice 'sorry we didn't agree with you. we love you still....' and/or pictures of you as a family in the past, plus pictures of their grandkids, how CAN they ignore such a nice way to reach out to them? Make sure you put it somewhere you KNOW they'll see it (kitchen counter, bathroom sink, taped to the tv).
I know this is easy for me to say and not at all what you want to hear but ya'll kids need to keep reporting them if something is going on. These kids have enough issues without being treated like trash. If it is reported enough, someone will take note. Ya'll know what is going on in that house and that makes you partially responsible. If your neighbor was abusing their kids would you report it or sit by and watch? I'm sorry I didn't answer your question but this is a serious issue.
This sounds like just one more thing in a long history of dysfunction. Your parents are manipulative to the point of blackmail. Unless there is real danger to the kids in their care, I'd back off and worry about your own family. You have no control over them and their drama, and they're willing to lie and blame you all for problems, so what's in this for you? Not much. Take care of your kids and hubby, see them for birthdays and holidays if you want, and let them do their thing without you. Toxic parents/grandparents are not good for you or your kids.
I get why you're upset and I would be too. I think you reacted fairly normally as well as all your siblings...BUT, this sounds like typical behavior from your parents. So although I get it, I feel forced to bring up the obvious that it really seems par for the course and if you continue to foster the relationship with your parents for whatever reason you will have more things like this in the future. It doesn't make it easier and it doesn't make you less upset, I get it, but ultimately you're going to have to deal with situations like this and more if you continue on. I also understand the need to not give up on your family and continue on in the hopes of forging relationships with them and your own children, so I'm not saying you shouldn't have ties to them, but you have to take it all as a package.
