Husband Is Frustrating Me!!!!

Is there something else going on between them that he avoids her? Past issues or arguments?
If not, I think he's acting like a selfish child. If I were you I would plan to go spend a few days with my mom with or without him!

H.,
it is interesting that he has a big, warm, loving family that even you love dearly, but he can't bring himself to spend time with your Mom.

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but maybe try talking to his parents, to see if they have any insight? If they are loving and caring like you say, they will probably want him to go with you... right?

t

He is immature, selfish, myopic and rude.

No, you are NOT asking too much.

Does your family treat him well? Does he have a 'legitimate' reason for not wanting to be around them???

Is HIS family all rude/selfish/anti-social as well toward In-Laws??? How do THEY treat you??
Are they all like him?
If so, what a bunch of Jerks.

Why don't you just point blank ask him "How come you do not like my Mom???" And then see what he says.

He is rude to say the least. I would be pissed.

You are not off base.

good luck,
Susan

Dear H.,
You are not wrong. Everything we do in life is not about "having fun." Sometimes we do things we don't particularly want to do because they are the right thing to do. Your beloved husband needs to man up and bless his precious wife by going with her to visit her mother. Blessings to you!

You can try my way...my husband is never open to new ideas, so I just plan it and tell him he is welcome to join.

One time during a big argument, I went to my mothers and asked if he was coming. Of course, he said no. So, I left the invitation open and he showed up about 20 minutes after I did. He was cordial to my mother, but sat on the couch and watched TV, mad at me, but he was there.

While I completely agree with Tonya, I would ask one question. Since you and your mom are SO close, is it possible that you have a tendency to close yourselves off from your hubby unintentionally? I mean... you probably have stories and phrases and inside jokes that he may not be privy to... Does he feel alienated from you when you are together with your mom? If that has ever been the case, that could cause him to retreat to another room to watch TV. If there is no chance of that (maybe you could ask him?), then he should step up and do his husbandly duty.

I lived for over 30 years with my ex who felt the same way about my family and friends. It was mandatory to spending time with his (dysfunctional) family. Holidays were a nightmare with him and them, because unless he was the center of attention, he either sulked or created chaos to bring attention to him. And it got worse as he got older.

When you are with your mom, you give attention to her and not to him, which is correct since you only see her a few times. Your husband sounds very self-centered.

If he also is prone to rages when you do not do things his way, I suggest that you read "Stop Walking On Eggshells."

If this is just him being a little selfish, he is wrong and you are right to do what you have been doing. Maybe you and your son should consider always visiting your mom by yourselves and just letting him stew in his juices. Maybe that will wake him up to the fact that you have valid needs too. If he gets disturbingly angry, please set up a safety plan and read the book above, it teaches how to set boundaries while remaining safe.

super sad, he is really being a jerk about this, but i doubt telling him that will help. Why would he not see that that would hurt you???

My husband was ok with my mom at first, but as time went on and i would vent to him, he started on just focusing on the negative about her, I"m trying to back pedal, and not share those frustrations with him, but now i have no on to vent to when she drives me crazy and that hurts me too. He is becoming reluctant to spend time with her, as well, so you are not alone.

Do you see any way to compromise?? Is he uncomfortable around the foster children? Does she make him uncomfortable for someother reason that you might be able to get around??? Would he go if you all stayed in a hotel instead of her house, or if you made a short trip instead of a week type trip? Does he need to have activites planned for while you visit?? Like going to a ball game or a show together???
Hope this helps. and i hope you figure it out. In my opinion he's being a jerk, so at least you have one person that thinks you are right.

It is always so hard to split your holidays between families.You should ask him why he won't go to your mom's for the holiday.I would explain to him how much it hurts you that he won't go and that he should do it for you and to show your son how important family values are.It is a bad role model for your son when he sees his father not participate in your family's holidays.How would he feel if you refused to go to his family's house.You are right to want to spend one holiday with your mom.

You are definately not off base. I would say ok then and I would go spend the holiday with my family also invite him but if he decides not to attend I would go anyway. IHolidays I believe should be spent with all family one year his family one year yours and maybe one year at home .

We like spending holidays with my family, and plan to spend pretty much all of them with my family. His family isn't big on them (as an explanation-everything is VERY traditional and it's not really about spending time with family, it's about following the rules, and then we were going to go out with them for Mother's Day and at the last minute they cancelled on us. They seriously came from south FL to central VA and then didnt' spend Mother's Day with us, b/c my MIL "wanted to see the mountains.") so we spend holidays with my family. The other thing is that our time with them is somewhat limited b/c my FIL has spoken to me several times (with and without) others present and been so degrading and said that he wished his son married another girl, after my hubby and I already had a kid) so there are a lot of reasons we choose not to spend time with him. But, I told dh some of these things. Not right away. I'm with those that wonder if something happened between your mom and hubby and maybe he doesn't feel comfortable telling you for whatever reason. Also, I noticed dh changed, even though he didn't notice it, when we would visit his parents or they'd visit us. They would belittle him constantly, and he would be so different, and it was like, "Where is the man I married?" He didn't even notice it until one day we were talking about it and then I pointed it out the next few times. Maybe your hubby is just selfish, but I would guess there's more under the surface (or at least hope there is).

I think he's totally in the wrong, I know how "boring" my family can seem to my husband but they're MY family and I love them so he puts up with all the holiday visits with them every year and never makes a big deal of it, he acts polite and respectful. We try and make sure we get to visit with his parents and mine each year, and every year it's different times and days but we get it done. He does however tend to "hide" when mom comes around, LOL so don't let that get to you. I think men just don't really know how to communicate with the MIL and it's easier to hide. As long as he is greeting her and saying good byes, then that's all you should ask for, he may just be uncomfortable and at a loss for words when she's around.
But as far as the family holidays, he needs to suck it up and put on a happy face for you and go visit your mom with you. That just sounds kind of weird, IMO, for him to "not" be present during a holiday season when his wife is visiting family, if he loves you, then he loves your family too and unless your mom has made some disrespectful rude remarks to him (which it doesn't sound like she has) then he needs to go! Sorry he's being that way, hope everything works out!!

.

hey H., I feel for you....you're not wrong at all. Tell your husband that when he married you he took on certain responsibilities as a husband, and that includes being as good to your family as you are to his....it's a give and take thing. I'm absolutely disgusted that in 9 years he has never once spent a holiday with your mom/you together....and the thing about him watching TV in his room when she's over, well....repulsive behaviour for a husband/son-in-law. The only thing I can think of is some potential unresolved issues....did something happen before you guys were married that he is unable to get over? Is your mom unkind to him maybe? Sounds like strange behaviour.....maybe there's an underlying cause? good luck sweetie....we all need it sometimes. I've had my own issues with my DH lately....but that's another story.

I would be frustrated too, that is completely unfair that he won't spend time as a couple with your mother. Sure you need alone time with her but she should also know your husband! He is being very selfish. My husband is not always crazy to spend time with my mother but he does without complaint because its only fair, and both of our families are important to our lives whether we have fun with them or not. You can't force people to like each other but if they are adults they should at least be able to be pleasant to each other and interact somehow. Your husband needs a kick in the butt and to learn some manners.

Has something happened between your husband and your mom that you don't know about? Are you and your mom so close that when you are together your husband gets shut out? There has to be some reason your husband doesn't like spending time with your mom and you need to get to the bottom of it or face choosing between them for the rest of your life.

It does sound like your husband has issues with your mom. Will he talk to you about it? Why was your mom a single parent? Was it due to death, divorce, or your father just was not in the picture? Some people who do have a large and close family cannot imagine a life without there being a mom and a dad there the whole time. See if you can't get him to open up.

H.,
MAYBE he gets jealous??? if he senses your closeness to your mom that is not the same way as with his with his mom? Or just the fact that you can be so close to your mom in a deep way where he is not THAT close to anyone but you. So like he is having to "share" you maybe?? And because HE is not really a part of you and your moms relationship. ??? Just a consideration???? :) prayers
K.

Since he is acting like a child I would talk to his mom to see if she has any insight. My MIL encourages us to see both sides of the family and I bet his would too. She has been through this, as well, with her own husband. Possibly this year, take your son for both holidays and go visit your mom and see how your husband feels not having his only child around. I feel for you. Even if there is an issue behind it, he should be mature enough to tell you about it and deal with it head on. I'm just curious if his brothers treat their wives the same way?

My husband is like this a little bit. Up until recently we lived near his mom and my mom (both of our fathers have passed away). I see my mom rather regularly and my kids are closer with my mom than his. He doesn't really mind since his family is rather dysfunctional. I find that I do more things with my family without him. At first I was a little hurt since most of my sisters live away. I have 5 sisters - 1 in Utah, 2 in North Carolina, and 2 in Richmond (where we were living up until about a month ago). I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't want to see them when they would come from out of town. After almost 13 years, I realize that none of my brother in laws really come around. I guess it is because it is 6 women talking and they don't get any attention. Throw in my mom - 7 women! They don't really care about what we are discussing and most of them would rather be watching some game on t.v. or something. I have no idea what they would be doing on Christmas day but whatever. I finally figured out that I actually have more fun when he isn't there. I am not worried if he is bored, I don't have to watch what I say, or whatever else it is. Yes, I want him to like my family and want to be around them but well, I guess he does like them but he is more of the quiet type and maybe it is just too much noise for him. We are also talking about 14 nieces and nephews. Who knows but as long as he lets me visit my family when I want for as long as I want (within reason) then I am okay. He is a great husband and father in so many other ways that it is just not worth the argument anymore.

Maybe if you just said, "Okay...you don't have to go. Junior and I will be leaving on this day and returning on that day. Hope you don't miss us too much. I'll get you some frozen dinners so you'll have something to eat...." he will be all confused and say he will come or he will be relieved and everyone will just do their own thing. Oh and by the way, not to just stick it to him but find a way to sort of not be there sometimes for his family things. That may sound petty but it is for your own good or else you will resent this whole thing. Just every once in a while. Not all the time. You don't want to hurt your son who probably loves having everyone together for the holidays.

Well, good luck and God bless...

I didn't read all of the responses, but It could be that your husband is jealous of how close you and your mom are. Or he just plain doesn't like her. You could ask him directly why he is so vehement about not visiting your mom, or you could just plan to go without him and have a lovely "girls" time with her. Maybe he's mad because she can't always come to your house for the holidays. Who knows. He may clam up if you ask directly what the problem is, but that could be your answer too. Either he doesn't want to hurt you (which may be nice that he is trying to be considerate) or his reason is just so foolish that he doesn't want to embarass himself by telling you. But as others have said, you don't have to play into is pouting, nor do you have to ask permission to visit your mom.

By the way, this reminds me of my dad, who, like clockwork, would get all moody and nasty at Christmas time. Instead of enjoying the bounty and comarderie he could provide for his family, he would start brooding about his Christmases as a boy during the Depression, which were obviously lacking.
So everyone would focus our attention on him to try to conjole him out of his ill humor. Christmas became all about my dad, and not family getting together and enjoying the season. Maybe this is what your husband has been trying to achieve--don't let him!