Husband Needs Downtime After Work

Ask him.

I try to have dinner mostly done before my hubs walks in. And kids outside in the yard if it's a nice day (those are coming...yay!). He'll grab a beer and go sit on the porch for a while and pet the dog.

For my hubby grabbing a beer and playing with the kids is good downtime. He also enjoys cooking. So...his downtime is the same thing as helping me. He can't unwind just being home? If he can't handle that I guess he can tell you what he needs to do. He'll get the hang of the new job in a week or two.

I've been on both sides of this one - I've been the SAHM and I've been the WM who walks in the door and has the kids immediately "glam on."

Downtime is nice, there's no doubt about it. After a long day at work, I'd love a little downtime, too. But guess what, that's not the way it works. I get home at 7:00, and my kids go to bed at 8:30. I have an hour and a half with them, so I know I need to make the most of it. My downtime can wait until 8:30. When I was a SAHM and my husband wanted downtime, I told him too bad. I've been alone with the kids all day and haven't had a break. The least he can do is spend a little time with them while I get a moment to breath.

He's adjusting to a new job, new situation, new lifestyle. I would cut him some slack for a couple of weeks. But after that, I would say sit in the car for an extra minute or two or take a short walk before driving home, because once you walk in that door, you are a dad and you're on duty.

I know I sound harsh, but I really do believe that once a parent walks in the door, they need to be ready to greet their kids and do their best to meet the needs of their kids. Their own needs, for the most part, need to take a backseat.

Ask him what he wants to do. Find out for sure if the situation you're describing bothers him as much as it does you. You see the chaos, he may see the few people he's been longing to see all day ;)
People decompress differently, my wife does gets her time late at night, after the kids are in bed. Maybe that could work for him.
If he does need some time, do your best to help him figure it out.

You can't do this for him. He needs to figure out what he needs and then you both figure out if and how to make it happen.

I would he say have dinner ready to throw in the oven the minute he gets in the door, then take the kids to the playground for an hour while dinner is cooking and your husband relaxes in quiet. I'm sure once the training is done he won't be as stressed out.

Mine just disappears into our bedroom for 30 minutes or so... the kids think he is "working", so they leave him alone.

Can he do that?

He can take 20 minutes at the park, sit in the car for 15 minutes and decompress before coming in the house. Go to the gym (YMCA is pretty cheap for an entire family to join and there is free childcare as part of the membership so your kids are watched while you work out). Or he can start listening to a book on tape on his way home or something that is specifically relaxing. Brainstorm with him. And ask that you have the same opportunity at least one day during the week, and both days on the weekend. You deserve kid-free downtime too.

I'm probably of little help .... I encourage my husband to make good use of his 45 minute commute through the VA countryside to decompress .... Once Daddy's home, little boy is all over him and I cease to exist. So until he's asleep, Daddy gets little time off. Once he's asleep, we both get some much deserved downtime.

I have found that down time helps everyone, including children in school.

Yes, it is hard for you because you are on 24/7 with little to no down time. You also NEED the downtime. If your children are napping, go take a hot shower, give yourself a mani pedi, nap, etc. if you have time alone during the day with them in a moms day out or something... instead of running home to do all of your chores, take some time for you to do something you love to do.

In your situation with children... yes it is the time of day that children are hungry, irritable and that does not help dad relax when he gets home. As much as you want him to immediately jump in and switch gears from his job to dad, how about he just go to the master bedroom, put on comfy clothes, maybe shower and just be quiet or go out for a run and get some exercise? It just takes a half hour or so to unwind and EVERYBODY is happier.

We both work from home running our company and it can be greuling, especially for hubby because he is the one on that goes to see customers, has the 6am flights, etc and is drained. I have the easier part of managing financials and I rarely go see a customer or go to the warehouse. He will typically head off to the country club to hit range balls, practice his golf game or something like that on his way home to relieve the stress.

Daughter, 18, has a lot of stress at school. She is a senior, deciding on where to go to college, cheer captain and dealing with entitled princesses who are on her cheer squad who want to go on senior trip but don't want to practice, maintaining over a 4. GPA. When she gets home, she is grouchy.. she immediately changes clothes, gets a snack and within about 30 minutes, we hit the road walking about 3-5 miles a day. This walk helps us BOTH understand each other, gives us a lot of communication time and strengthens our bond.

Try to figure out what he wants to do for this down time. Has he communicated that to you? Suggest something to him.

You are showing that you really do care about how he feels and you are trying to help him and I am sure he sees that too.

Good luck

ETA: Humour, I'm using humour. A little bit of fun. It's paraphrased from How to Be a Good Housewife or something. Sigh...

Make sure you've brushed and put a ribbon in your hair and that your lipstick is on. Take off your apron. No husband likes to be met by a messy wife after a hard day at the office. Greet him at the door with a smile and his favourite drink. Don't complain about your day, but let him talk about his. Have the children quiet in another room. Let him sit in his favourite armchair and fetch him his slippers.

After he has had adequate time, have the children, dressed nicely, with brushed hair, clean hands and smiles on their faces at the table to greet him for dinner. Make sure it is cooked as well as his mother cooks. At no time complain about your day, or talk about yourself.

After he has enjoyed his perfect dinner, encourage him to retire to the tv room, and bring him his pipe. The children should line up to say goodnight, then be whisked away to bed.

I've had this struggle with my husband as well. I give him two choices:

1. Come home, suck it up, and deal with it

2. Go somewhere else for a half hour or so after work, before coming home, to unwind. Go to the gym, a bookstore, a coffee shop, the hardware store - whatever he enjoys - so he can have a little time between work and the chaos of home.

If he chooses to walk in the door, he needs to deal with what he faces when he gets there.

Trust me, I totally get it. My kids are 5.5 and almost 2.5 and I hate the witching hour. I totally look forward to my husband getting home (usually around 6:15), but I hate when he comes in and wants to relax when I'm so busy. Plus, my kids are so excited to see him that they instantly ask him to play. It's impossible to be in the house and have down time at that hour.

Your kids are about the same ages as mine once were :-)
I'm not sure what your dinner routine is like but I always fed the kids (and myself) before my husband got home. I just couldn't wait to feed them until 6:30, that was too late for all of us. Yes, yes, I know many of us feel the pressure to have the whole family eat together but honestly this worked really well. My husband would warm up a plate and join us in the family room. We'd just hang out, watch TV and play together. In nicer weather we'd sit outside while the kids ran around, and have a beer or a glass of wine. It was relaxing because we were BOTH sitting down, and were able to talk to each other while enjoying the kids.
My husband was able to relax in his favorite way, playing video games for about an hour or so while I did the whole bed/bath routine. He would come in and kiss them and say goodnight once they were tucked in.

Does he want the down time? Or do you just surmise that he needs it? I'd ask first. There are days where my hubby needs 20-30 minutes and then there are days where he wants everyone in his face immediately. We have a bit of a system worked out. He calls when he is leaving work. This gives me 30 minutes to finish up the work of dinner. Most days dinner is almost done when he walks in the door. That takes some of the chaos out of things when he comes in. He comes in and says hi to everyone, then goes to change. And if he needs some down time he'll ask "Will dinner keep for 20 minutes, while I run, read, do bills...etc?" Usually I can hold things off. If I can't I tell him we need to eat, but there is time after dinner. If the kids are whiny and need to eat, I tell him to go ahead, but I need to feed the kids. On those nights things can't wait, he sneaks off after dinner for a few minutes.

We often trade off down time on the weekends. I'll get up with the kids on Sat and let him sleep in. Sundays he usually gets up with the kids.

Your a good wife! My husband comes home beat! I usually have dinner already done. You have a young family and they ARE going to be running around and having fun. Maybe take them for a walk after dinner? He can also come home take a shower and chill in the bedroom til dinner.

I know my friends have their husbands go to the gym before coming home so they have down time. Sometime this makes them feel energized too!

My hubby works long hours at a very demanding job. When he gets home, everyone kisses him and hugs him, but then he goes off and changes. Same days he wants our company immediately, other days he may linger in our bedroom and play his guitar. Many times he just jumps in and helps me for dinner --especially now that a baby is in the house.

I'd ask him what he needs.

***After now checking back in, I saw the addition to the response I was referencing. I think I can read it now with some humor. I just felt M. was asking for a thoughtful,helpful response. Not one referring to the notion of solving her dilemma by being a Stepford Wife model. I apologize for jumping to an assumption.... I am totally unfamiliar with the paraphrased quote's source****

M. B..first of all...please ignore the snarky,sarcastic response below. This is a board for women(and men) to ask help from others. I would hope that if people are going to spend time responding, it would be in a mature and respectful manner. But..not all posters here play by the same rules.

I get it..I get what you are asking and I am not here to promote my own agenda.

You both have important jobs to do that make your home,family/marriage function. You need down time..your husband needs down time.

You did not mention that your husband is complaining or berating you for what he meets as he enters the door.

Kudos to you for being so in tune with the needs of your husband and wanting him to come home to a bit of peacefulness. But also realizing you are in the midst of the craziness and need help yourself.

Talk to him. Ask him what he needs. Tell him what you need. You need help too. Come up with a game plan for your family for that crazy hour.

I personally try to get the brunt of the dinner craziness all done before hubby comes home. Meal planning, earlier prepping, crock pot dinners and simpler meals have helped me. Around the time he comes home I try to make sure the kids are occupied... whether with a tv show, doing a project that needs minimal adult assistance or outside in the yard playing. That way when dad comes home it is all hugs and kisses and how was your day.

I have also asked my husband to be ready to be all hands on deck when he walks through the door. Sooo, if he needs to destress, then stop a few blocks away from home and take a couple moments to walk around the park and then come home. Or sit in the car for a bit around the corner and listen to some Hawaiian cd's.

I have also talked to the kids about not hitting daddy with their "to do" lists right when he walks in the door. I personally don't appreciate it...so I know others wouldn't either. Just like when my kids come home from school I don't hit them with their chore list and a bunch of questions.

I know the craziness you are talking about. My kids are now 13,10 and 6. It gets easier...but the craziness just tends to change into getting them all to extra curriculars and home around the dinner hour. That is why I still rely on the crockpot, simple dinners,meal planning etc.

Good luck and best wishes. I am sure there a lot of helpful women on here actually answering your S.O.S

Can you cook dinner earlier? Perhaps use a slow cooker so you don't have to mess with it around the time he gets home.

Instead of using that time to cook, you could do some activities with your kids. Even just painting at at the table, or using play-doh--whatever it takes to get them engaged in a quiet activity.

Or, as it gets warmer outside, maybe you could take the kids for a walk. I totally get your scenario. My kids are the same ages, and I have another on the way, but the difference is that my husband gets home after bedtime on most days.

Start making dinners in a slo-cooker or the oven. You can do all the prep work in the late morning or early afternoon, start it cooking and ignore it. When hubby comes home have a beverage of choice ready and waiting, and give him a half hour to hour to unwind.

I know for me when I worked in retail I was just talked out after a day of running around and helping customers. I needed about an hour to wind down. I often came home, didn't even take off my jacket, got a cup of coffee and sat at the computer,checked email and found something on TV to relax with. No one tried to talk to me. Then I got up and started dinner and changed clothes and was my normal happy self.

It might help if you could find someone to entertain the kids when he first gets home. A middle or high school girl to take the kids out for a walk, to the park ect for an hour or so. Pay her what works for your budget. But this may help your sanity more than you will ever know.

In our family we are all like Reverend Ruby, we say hello to each other as we each walk in the door, but we do not start with questions and stories of the day..

I go to my room and change clothes and just veg out.. It takes me about 15 to 20 minutes. Our daughter goes to her room, changes clothes and checks her laptop.. My husband comes home, goes to the bathroom for about 20 minutes, then comes into the living room and sits at the computer checking his email. we usually hand him a drink.. Iced Tea, Iced water Or a beer for special occasions. and a snack..

We all work with a lot of people all day.. Questions are thrown at us all day.. We just need to calm down and have a bot of privacy.

Maybe all greet him with hugs and kisses,. and then allow him to give you all hugs.. then he can excuse himself to freshen up alone.. He should go to his bedroom close his door.. Ask him if 15 to 20 minutes is enough time.. Remind the kids, dad needs his privacy, he will be out in about 20 minutes..

It will become normal to all of you.. He will be so much happier once he comes out of the room..

Congratulations to your husband and his new job! Very exciting time!

What does HE want to do? How does he suggest you handle it? We only have one little one, but he is very demanding of his father's time right now. He looks forward to when Daddy walks in, so he latches on right away. Daddy incorporates him into his routine: untie his tie, take off his shoes, talk to him while he gets undressed. If he wants to sit and watch TV, he sits with him. If he really needs a moment, then I can get LO to hang out with me for a bit, doing what I'm doing or his own thing. He has come to expect those little eyes to light up when he walks in and to dole out the hugs and kisses.

He winds down on his way home by listening to his favorite radio station or music. We schedule taking turns in the evening when there absolutely must be exclusion, like if he is on a teleconference. Otherwise, we incorporate him into whatever we are doing, or wait until he is asleep. He's usually fine as long as he is close by. We give him the attention he needs, and then he backs off.

If your kids are playing independently and you don't have to hold them in your arms, I don't understand why you cant' get your stuff done. What is it that you need help with? Do you just want not to have to divide your attention between cooking and the kids? I don't know that that is a reasonable request for every day, as they are part of your household. Maybe you can set them up in an area to "help" you prepare dinner? My one sometimes runs circles aroung the island right where I'm standing. Sometimes I put him up in his chair so he can see what I'm doing and set some stuff in front of him so he can feel like he's participating, which he is.

Are you just feeling overwhelmed or anticipating feeling overwhelmed? Are you anticipating that your husband will break? If you haven't already, I strongly suggest that you start by asking your husband what he needs and let him be responsible for either making it happen or asking for it when he needs it. You are already Superwoman. No need to add to your plate stuff that's not yours. Grown-ups are responsible for expressing their needs and for contributing to the solutions for meeting those needs. That goes for you AND your husband. We never, ever close bathroom doors, but for certain moments, I require a bit of privacy. It might be for less than a minute, but I know to get my husband's attention and tell him that I absolutely need this time to myself.

Good luck to you.

Can he sit down with the kids and read them a book? That doesn't take too much energy.

The first three months are the most draining in a new job, because there's so much to learn. Especially if he's never had a real job before. Hopefully after that he will start to have more energy.

Women are usually more competent and have more energy than most men. Support your husband during this difficult first three months, and hopefully there will be some payback later on.

But I don't see why he can't color or read a book with the kids.

I would start simply by asking what he needs and then see if that meets YOUR needs.

I only have one so we are usually out for an afternoon activity to allow my husband decompression time. Or if we are home, decompression time is with my daughter, watching 20 minutes of TV.

I am lucky since my husband loves to cook, that he uses making dinner as decompressing.

Maybe prepare some meals in advanced and freeze them. That way you, or your husband can put them in the oven.

If your kids are like most, they love when Daddy comes home and hopefully he feels the same way about seeing ithem.

It sounds like you are trying to be very June Cleaver. You need down time, too.

Again, I would start by asking what he needs, instead of trying to accommodate what you don't know.

We, as women, tend to do this and it's not productive.

Good luck, and congrats on the new job.

Sounds like there is a steep learning curve and adjustment with this new position. As he gets more accustomed to his new position the need and urgency for down time will lessen.

In the meantime are there adjustments that you could make in your daily routine to lessen that stressful time for you? Is it possible for him to delay his downtime until after dinner?

Talk it out until you find a solution that is ameniable to the both of you.

How about having a made ahead dinner that you either start in the crock pot earlier than morning or maybe you make smthg on the wkend & freeze it.

Try putting in a DVD in a portable dvd player in the back bedroom for the
kids to watch 5 mins before he gets home so he can come into the front
door of a semi-quiet house.

If it's feasible, you could take the kids for walk around the block for 15 mins right before he gets home or out back in the yard. Just for a short block of time so he can come in the door & undwind.

Having the meal made ahead of time earlier in the day or having it already in the oven way before the witching 5pm time.

Since you need & deserve help too, try this: feed the kids 1/2 hr before he gets home, try to structure your cooking so it's done 15 mins BEFORE he gets home, set some quiet play time w/the kids (get that going 15 mins before he's due home) on their own in the back bedroom.

Let him come in the door, put lunch tote or briefcase/keys down & change clothes before the kids can realize he's home. That's if this is at all possible.

Eat dinner then take YOUR time. Even if it's only 30 mins. I finally got smart & started to do this. It helped me greatly.

On weekends, plan easy quick meals for the week tacos etc
Save a few standby meals for CRAZY days like pizza delivery or a frozen
lasagna.

Take it easy on yourself & realize you're doing your best & Supermom isn't feasible. The fact that you want to do this for your husb when you're tired yourself is sweet & nice of you. Hope you get your mini-downtime too.

Does he pass by a gym or a rec. center where he can go work out or swim for about 30 mins to unwind. Yes it would mean that he got home about an hour later.