I Think My Husband Is Having a Mid-life Crisis

It sounds like your husband is more stressed out than having a mid life crisis...now if he was not coming home, buying a sportscar, wearing shirts open to the waist with 10 gold chains.....LOL
I say just give him some space. It sounds like your life is lonely right now so I would say maybe you need to get out and about more, even if it is with your toddler. Get out & meet some other moms. It's hard when you're living in a new area and your family is hours away but you would probably benefit from forming some friendships of your own, and your toddler is the perfect door-opener to meet other moms.
Don't depend on your husband to meet all of your needs. Good luck!

Can you try to set up a "date night". I know you don't have family nearby, but maybe you can find a sitter for a few hours - even if it's after the baby is asleep... so you aren't as concerned about the baby - just someone to be there in case...? Then just announce you have planned something with him. Men sometimes respond better to doing something fun to reconnect... then the talking might come later.

Well this sounds like me. Meaning I was the worker and hubby was SAHD. My job was so insane and on the verge of bankruptcy and me looking for another job just incase worrying constantly about how I would provide. When I came home I was done talking or interacting with humans. Hubby wanted to talk about the day whatever it was and I could not breath. He was always saying he missed me, I'm right here I'd say. But he meant I was physically present but 1,000 miles away mentally. We'd get in fights all the time and I told him I can't be out of the house 16 hours a day and come home and be his entertainment when I get home. It was a little mean of me but I was losing it. Cut to the chase I did come out of that "phase". I realized I was truly ignoring him but it was me feeling like a failure that I couldn't hold something "the job" which I had no control over. Just try to ask the hubs what's happening is he stressed at work, is there a problem specific and what you could do to help. I promise you he will come around and he will appreciate you asking. I agree you should definitly find something that interests you while he is working through his frustrations. Since he wasn't always like this as I wasn't always like this he will come around.

You're such a good wife by looking for ways to fix this. I think sometimes in a marriage people can get on each other's nerves every now and then due to external factors (job, other family members, financial issues, children etc,..)...life is stressful indeed. Plus, you know the taking for granted thing etc, etc....Generally sex life falls prey of the above mentioned problems too...less and less sex, desire to have it and so on. I would try to let him be for a while until he finds a way to relieve the chaos in his head ("am I doing good at work?", "can I pay all the bills?", "am I being a good husband/daddy/provider for my family?", you know men.). I would not "attack" him with the stories about my day when he finally comes home (I don't mean it bad, you have every right to talk to him, but it may be that he is not ready to listen at this time)...him putting a movie on is a clear sign he wants to distract you from him so he doesn't have to take on your day too...maybe he is over-tired, over-worked, over-preoccupied. Maybe you can try to lure him into a relaxing massage after your child is in bed. No explicit requests of sex (that can stress him out too cause of the performance...again, you know men!), just candles, a soft new-age music and a good oil. It may help. But mainly, I would not telling him a bit about my day unless he asks, and even then I would tell him little things that would make him feel like I am in control of the situation, so it doesn't add to his stress. I have made the mistake to make my ex hubby feel like he was the only one responsible for the success/failure of our family life when I wasn't working and I realized it A LOT later. This isn't why our marriage ended BUT it definitely did not help AND now I would never make the same mistake again. We've got to make them feel like we share the load of the family with them, even if we are SAHM. Especially if we are SAHM. So they don't feel alone in the battle and we can feel like we are on the same team and find that buddy again. I don't know if this could be your case, but I thought I would tell you my experience. Good luck, I know you'll find a way!

Oh! Please don't read "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"!!!! The book teaches that women need to shut up and not bother their husbands when they come home from work. Women are listed as "whiners" and "complainers" and told not to bother their husbands with the trivialities of their day.

Let me tell you this. Your husband needs to make time for you. I hear your need to want your best friend back. My hubby is my best friend too. There is no one I would rather share my feelings or my day with and he is the same to me.
I would suggest that your husband be evaluated for depression. He CAN control the way he treats you. I am so sorry that he is being hurtful. Have you ever just sat down and said "you don't need to talk, I just need you to listen"? Tell him how you feel. Tell him how much you miss him and that you are hurt that he is so annoyed by you.
HUGS!!!!

Here is some advice from an 'old married woman' (will be celebrating our 42 anniversary this year). The advice I got 'way back then' about 35 years ago when my husband came home like that was to greet him at the door with a glass of wine. We agreed that he needed some time to unwind from his day. So he got 15 min of 'blah' time before kids or I bombarded him with 'our' day. When I went back to work and HE stayed home with the kids - that was also what I got. 15 minutes of quiet time to catch my breath before hearing about everyones day.

I also agree with the other advice - have a date night; get involved in other activities so he doesn't become your only adult to converse with. You will be more interesting to him and not another 'issue' that he needs to solve.

Good luck,,
L.
http://www.lindalongden.net

I'm not sure about the situation with your husband...but my first thought when reading this is that you need to be able to get out more and socialize with other people - or just get out more. If you're not within walking distance to a gym with daycare or a library...maybe you need to get another car - even a used bargain one. Waiting at home after a full day of being a Mom for 30 minutes of attention from your stressed out husband is a recipe for disaster and no way for you to live. I bet if you found something that you could do for yourself - a tennis league, a book club, a Mom's group...anything...that meets one or two days a week for an hour or two you will be less dependent on your husband. I met some Moms at my son's music class and we organized a once a week playgroup at our houses...that may work for you too. Once your husband sees that you are happier and doing something for yourself, he may come around because the pressure will be off of him. So I guess what I'm saying is you can't control him, but you can be proactive for yourself. And I've found that when I'm active and involved with people, I'm happier...and when I'm happier my marriage is stronger and better. good luck!

M.-
It looks like you are in a difficult situation on both sides. What I see from your description is you are lonely for adult companionship from being home all day and being cut off from friends. I also see that your husband works long hours. It looks like you BOTH need to get over this "hump", darlin'.
Your hubbie is probably getting worn a little thin by working long hours and then coming home to find you ready to pounce on him. I know when I get home I just want to change clothes, sit down and veg out in front of the TV for a few minutes before I feel like I can handle conversation or company. Everybody needs some down time. Give him a hug and a smooch when he gets home and leave him be. If he doesn't come back to you then after 20 or 30 minutes, go to him and see if he feels like talking then.
As for you, you need to get out of the house. Join the local YMCA, go for walks to a park now that it is warming up. Get online and see if there are any local mom groups. Newspapers advertise local group meetings also. Contact a local elementary school and see if they have any groups you could join - they also might have a list of sitters that you could call so you two could go on a date once in a while.
It sounds to me like he just needs some "guy time" to find himself again and you need some "girl / adult time" so you are not relying on him for entertainment. Having you be happy should help him be happier and your relationship should rebound.
Good luck!
J.

I went through the same thing. Please get yourselves to a counselor or your pastor quickly. I deluded myself into beliving my husbands excuses for eight years. I did not want to admit that my marriage was falling apart. It is not normal for a man in the prime of his life not wanting sex. That is the words from my pastor who told me after we had split up, that if he wasn't wanting it from me, he was getting it from someone else. Men have a way of making it look like we are the ones at fault. Also, please get involved with a MOPS group. Which is Mothers of Preschoolers. You will make friends and have adult time too, which is VERY important. Get active in your communty church, etc. It is so important to have an out. One compromise you can try with your husband is to calmly sit down with him after he has had time to unwind for a half hour, and calmly say, that you are interested in his day because you love him, and need some adult time.
Take care!

mark gungor. check him out online (he has a website) and on youtube.

Hm, this kind of sounds like my husband..haha. I was going through kind of a similar situation -- my husband who was doting, sensitive, etc. suddenly was acting distant, snapping alot, getting frustrated easily. After posting the question here on this site, I had a long talk (well, several talks) with him and he has gradually come around. It seems to me that your husband is super stressed about something and I think you need to have a serious talk with him (maybe on a day he doesn't work or when he's not as tired) so that you can get to the bottom of what he's going through. Is it work? Is he lonely without friends/family? Is he stressed about finances? Try to get him to figure out why he's so mentally drained (he may not even have taken the time to figure out why) and then try to come up with a solution together. Both he and you seem to have areas that need attention so if you can get together and figure out what will work best for the both of you, then you need to do that before this spirals out of control. Tackle it as a couple and you both won't feel so alone. Finally, for yourself, get yourself out there and use your baby as a great way to meet people! Your husband could also be stressed about you feeling so alone. If he knew you were doing okay emotionally, it may take a little bit of the burden off of him. Good luck!

Wow! As I read this it sounds just like our house- but the roles are reversed. I work in a super stressful job and my hubby is home with the kids- and we have no family or friends to care for our kids. Honestly, these years and this economy put so much strain on everyone. Our jobs become more stressful because the job market is so tight. That puts more stress on our relationships because the stress doesn't stop when we walk in our home's doors. IT SUCKS!

- Start scheduling time for sex. You owe it to each other, often times we get so stressed/hung up that we forget to have sex(or in my case I am insulted that my husband wants it while I am suffering. I must tell myself to take care of his needs).

- Try to find a babysitter in the area- through a church, past friends, anything. Are there any child care centers that do drop off care in your area?

Another strain(we experience) of not having friends in the area is no matter what- it is hard to get away for a good adult time out. Maybe see if your family would take the kids for a day- make the 3 hour drive- and get a day out having FUN! Laugh! Enjoy one another!

Ask for help. Don't wait until it is too late. Make sure your husband understands your needs, and that he needs to be sure to find a way to keep your marriage alive- even if it requires "scheduling". AND ask your friends and family to help too- better now than later!

check out www.meetup.com, it's free. you put in your zip code and seach "stay at home moms groups" or any other interest you may have (jewlery making, reading, travel, etc) and it lists all of the "meetups" in your area. on a side note, I divorced my husband because he was the same way. he agreed he would take out the trash and do laundry, but he didn't until i practically had to scream at him or do it myself. i finally had enough and divorced him. i now have a husband who does EVERYTHING. i don't even know what day the trash guys come becuase my hubby always is on top of it! he also does all of the laundry, dishes, yard work and anything else that he sees needs to be done. i am blessed. good luck to you!

You've got some great advice so far! I agree whole-heartedly with Mary Beth from Bryn Mawr. I think I understand how your husband feels because I'm in a similar situation (I'm the primary source of income and my hubby works part-time from home). I'm lucky because my hubby's pretty helpful around the house, and he's fairly emotionally independent. It is a little hard to come home and have to meet my daughter's needs right away (she likes to tell me all about her day the minute I walk in the door); I imagine I'd resent it if my husband similarly accosted me right away when I got home...

Anyhow, I'm a firm believer in the concept that we need to be proactive in getting our own needs met, and no one should rely entirely on one person for emotional support.

Just for a little perspective, here's what you said: "I have needs too. I never see my husband and all I want is to make use of the time we do have." Here's how that statement could easily be interpreted, with only subtle rearrangement of the words: "I never see my husband and all I want to do with the time I do have is get my own needs met."

While I recognize and appreciate that you have needs, I'd like to suggest that you should explore other support systems; many of the previous posts have offered good suggestions. At the very least, try picking up the phone and call a family member or a friend. It might be a good idea to make a point of calling someone to talk to just before your husband comes home so that you have a chance to communicate with another adult and it's easier to give your husband some down-time. Also, church is a good way to meet people. A lot of churches have transportation networks. I'm not religious, but if I were in your position, I'd look into finding a church family for a social network (Unitarian Universalists are good people and accepting of a lot of different religious perspectives, even atheism!).

Good luck!

I know that this is not necessarily a possibility, but I wonder if it might do both of you some good if you were able to find a way to work at least part-time. If you had an outlet outside of the kids, it would give some outside stimulation so that you wouldn't feel so needy of your husband's conversation. Not that you shouldn't want to have conversation with your husband, but that sort of one-sided interaction might seem a bit tedious to him. This arrangement might also allow your husband to back off on hours, let him spend more time with your child, etc., since you would also be contributing to household expenses. Just an idea....

Wow, I could have written something almost identical with the stuff that sometimes goes on in our house! I know it doesn't help, but I know exactly how you feel, so you're not alone. I will tell you though, that this phase WILL pass... just try to keep your chin up while you're going through it :)

Aww. Try the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It covers everything you mentioned

Bashers of this book, obviously have not read it. .

I would suggest reading Kevin Leman's 7 Things He'll Never Tell You, but you need to know. One of the things he talks about is a man's need to unwind from work before having a conversation - and it provides suggestions as to how he and you can deal with that need. Yes, you need to have that connection time with him, but he needs you to hold off just a little longer. It takes two to make a marriage fall apart, so don't give up on him. You may have to "bend over backwards" to help him through this, but you'll be a stronger couple if you do everything that you can to help him. He will only love you more. A relationship is about the other person, not about you. Think about your kids - don't you put all their needs before your own? Same goes for your hubby. You will reap the benefits with your relationship with your husband, just like SOME days you get those hugs and kisses and "I love you"s from your kids - and that makes all the dirty diapers, crying, whining, etc. worth it.