I Feel Sad That My HB Won't Want Me to Share My Probs with Him

Hi L.,

After a quick skim of the other responses, I have to tell you that I see this a bit differently. Obviously, no one responding is actually home with you to see the interactions, but it sounds like the problem is with your husband, not you. From your description, it sounds like he's over stressed at work and possibly even a bit resentful that he has to "work hard all day" while you get to "stay home and play with the kids", which makes him resentful. Unfortunately, many at work parents have no clue how, in many ways, being a homekeeper and primary childrearer can be far more stressful and demanding than any employer! You're on cal 24/7 -- he works his 8, 9, or 10 hours and is off.

It's impossible to resolve any situation if the parties involve refuse to communicate. By shutting you out, he's saying (conciously or subconciously) that he doesn't care about the relationship as much as you do, and maybe doesn't realize what potential consequences could result from his behavior.

All in all, I think some serious marriage counseling is in order here if you want to preserve this relationship. Tell him you're going to find a counselor and make an appointment, and that you will go with him or without him, because you still love him and you want your marriage to work. At the very least, seeing a license marriage and family counselor will give you someone to talk to and who will be able to offer constructive suggestions. If your husband balks at seeing the counselor, tell him that most therapists will both work with the couple together and individually, so that he will have an opportunity to unburden his feelings without having to face you (at least at first!), and that a counselor might be able to help him with the stress you know he has to deal with. Above all, approach him from a position of love and concern. (Hopefully, you have mental health benefits as part of your insurance plan, as such benefits usually cover counseling.) Also, find a play group if you're not in one already and get out of the house with the kids. Build your own friendships and confidants -- everyone needs them! You don't need to have blood relations nearby to create a family that cares about you.

Good luck to you -- I hope you can get your husband to work through this with you, and if not, build your own support system.

Honestly? When you have little problems like a bill, come on here and ask... My husband used to present all his work issues to me all the time and I couldn't take it anymore. When you have young kids, there's so much to do and I work full time too. I felt like he needed to handle his own problems. Once in awhile ok but not all the time did I want to listen. It sounds like your husband feels overloaded mentally. That's not really his fault. I used to tell my husband I vented to coworkers about work and he needed to do the same. So find other people for awhile. Try to just be positive with your husband. Now that my husband doesn't talk about work all the time, I'm much more willing to when he wants to. Also, our kids are older so I have more capacity. That's what I do and used to tell my husband sometimes "I don't have the capacity for this." I really didn't feel like my brain coudl take on another adult's problem. He may feel the same way. You don't have family aroudn but can you call on the phone?

Your post if very difficult to read (periods would help a lot) Have you been married 7 yrs or are you newly wed? If you think you might have depression, see a doctor. try medicine, if that doctor or that medicine doesnt work, try another !
To try to save your marriage, tell him you are committed to improving your marriage. say nothing else about it not being good enough because he will hear he is not good enough. Just make it clear You want to be closer to him and will be actively trying for that. Get your daughter out of your bed, if that means he puts her to bed, Ask nicely for him to put her to bed, dont offer to do that job if he does it better. Read about the five languages of love, take the quiz and get him to take the quiz, let him know he is doing it as a favor to you not because he isnt perfect the way he is. REad Mars and Venus in Touch by John Gray. Good Luck

Dear L.,

I had a little trouble following your post (sorry!), but the general impression I get is that you feel sort of overwhelmed and are struggling with depression. There is nothing at all wrong with feeling that way -- it happens to us all! But honestly, a husband, even an amazing superhero of a husband, can't solve those problems. Depression is a medical condition. There are medical solutions -- namely medication like Prozac, etc. -- to this problem. I really recommend that you check in with a doctor on this. Not because your husband shouldn't be sympathetic -- he should -- but because you shouldn't have to feel this way.

Once the current tiff with your husband blows over, you might also try breaking your issues down into tiny bite-sized pieces for him. Let's say 20 things are bothering you. Okay, tell him about ONE. Make it clear you're going to focus on one. It sounds like you and he are both overwhelmed by the way you feel, but you're handling the overwhelmedness differently, and that leads to coldness, distance, and conflict.

Good luck! I hope you feel much better soon.

Mira

Hang in there, I feel bad that you are dealing with this! I hate walking on eggshells around my spouse & feeling disconnected & unimportant to him. Hopefully this is just a phase, and he will snap out of it soon. However it sounds like he could either be a little depressed, super stressed, or trying to check out of the relationship, for whatever reason. Only he knows the answer to this & if you can find the right time to gently approach it with him (when kids are asleep & he has had time to unwind from work) I would hope he would be man enough to let you in on which it is.

I can understand that he may not want to deal with any "little" issues (as he perceives them) if he's already been stressed to the max. at work. That doesn't make it ok to treat you badly though. I guess if it were me I would try giving him lots of space + killing him with kindness for a couple weeks to see if that makes any difference. If it doesn't, I would have to have a frank talk with him to either get to the root of what is going on, what has changed, possibly marriage counseling, etc. Bottom line is that if you are doing everything to not bring any "problems" to him, etc. and he is still treating you this way, you cannot live like that for long. Asking you to go away when you try to hug him? Not cool. Good luck, I wish you the best! I hope you give us an update!

I think that it is funny how people are telling you that you are depressed....YA..... I would be depressed too if my husband was treating me the way your husband is.
Obviously, something needs to be done about it. He needs to understand what his actions are doing to you. Some how, you are going to have to have a talk with him. Counseling may help, but you would have to get your husband to agree that there is a problem. I do agree about what you should do when he gets home. Making him feel like he is missed by you and the kids is important. Let him chill out for at least a 1/2 hour.
He probably thinks like, you take care of the house (bills included), and he brings in the money..........
He also needs to see that you NEED him. Some how you need to rekindle what you used to have. Make time to do the things that you used to do before the kids. This is such a difficult situation.
Clearly he is not happy with his life right now. Have a heart to heart with him and ASK him what you can do to make things better.
He sounds lost in the grind of having to provide for his family.
Hopefully, this will not lead to cheating. It sucks feeling like you are alone.
Tell him, be honest, and tell him how much you appreciate him.....but he needs to do the same for you.
Good luck..........

You mention wanting to find another.... do not go outsid e your marriage to find comfort in another (man). That will not fix your marriage. If you are lonely, then cultivate some new friendships. This will help you feel more relaxed and more connected. Also, spend time out of the house going places or doing new activities that give you a change of scenery and something that you can tell your hubby about that is of interes.

You are at home with toddlers and at the end of the day you try to have some adult conversation with your hubby. That seems perfectly fair, as long as you don't meet him at the door with a list of problems. As adults, all of our conversations cannot be happy, positive ones, even if we've had a long day at work. It's fair to want to talk after the kids are asleep. It's fair to want to be able to hug your husband and to receive physical affection from him rather than be told to go away. It's also fair to want your husband to sleep in bed with you. If the room is too hot, turn the a/c down to make it more comfy. If he just doesn't want to sleep with you, then that's a problem. How often do you have date nights or time alone together without the kids? You need this.

I thought your post sounded more like your hubby is depressed than that you did. Then again, I also thought that your hubby's actions sounded a bit like a man trying to exit a relationship, a man having an affair, a man who is viewing his wife a solely a mom, a man who is angry at his spouse or an abuser. I think it sounds like your marriage is in turmoil, and we can't tell you the reason it is that way. You need to find some quite alone time, preferably when he hasn't been working, to discuss your relationship and what you need from each other.

I agree with the responses so far -- I think you might be suffering from depression. Depression and problems are real, but no one wants to hear about them all the time, and if you are sad and negative all the time, your husband will not respond well to you.

If you feel you have depression, see a doctor. If you just want to talk or vent about your problems, do it with a girlfriend or on Mamapedia. Girls usually like to talk about problems a lot more than guys do.

If you have to talk to your husband about a bill, that should be a simple matter. Bills are not "problems," they are just a fact of life, so if you are considering a bill a problem, then you probably are depressed.

If I misunderstood your post, then I'm sorry, but you do sound like a bit of a depressed person. If your husband is just mean, then the answer will be different. But how much do you laugh and have fun in life? If you're not having much fun, even with all the stressful facts of life, then it really might be time to see a doctor.

My understanding of what you wrote is that your husband works hard and long hours, and his job stresses him out. By the time he gets home he's exhausted. He just wants to relax and not have to deal with anything other than spending pleasant time with his family when he first walks in the door from work.

When he got home, did you greet him? Tell him you were happy he was home? Offer him a drink or if he needed anything? Did you give him some time to settle in and change out of his work clothes and into something more comfortable and let him eat supper? Did you ask about his day? Give him a chance to ask about yours? My point is... he needs to wind down and relax. He needs help doing that. Work on talking about things that interest both of you. Plan things to do together and as a family. Let him know you miss spending time with him and talking to him. Smile at him.

Once he's calm and distanced from his work day, perhaps a simple, "This came in the mail today and I thought you'd like to see it. We should probably put it in the filing cabinet since I wasn't sure what to do with it yet. What do you think?"

If he walks in with a foul mood, try to understand that it's not you. It's work. That's why he needs time to distance himself from it. That's why he needs to calm down, destress, and he won't associate his wife and children with the work stress.

But I do have to agree with others that you do sound depressed. It would be hard not to be in your current situation.