Husband/relationship Question

Every marriage has bad days, bad months, bad years. It's just never all rainbows and butterflies! LOL
You can only do what you can do. The nanny will certainly understand if you have JUST moved in!

I'm happy to hear it sounds like you two came to a much better spot. I'm glad to hear it! Sounds like you're on the right track.

You've certainly got your plate full right now. I'm guessing your husband works full-time, too? If so, you both have very full plates which adds stress on top of stress on top of stress. If he's not working full-time, that can create it's own stressors, too.

The best advice I received when we got married is...don't let the sun set on your anger. Sometimes that has meant short nights of sleep if we have needed to hash some things out. But we've pretty much always felt it was worth it in the long run...except for the bleary eyes the next morning! (Sometimes hashing it out when you are really tired can break through some barriers that might be there when you're fully awake.)

We don't have as many talks in the wee hours any more. At 51 and 57, we've wised up to having those talks earlier in the day or evening. After 19 years of marriage, and knowing him for 32 years, we still have bumps along the way, but communication does wonders.

Just last night we had to sort some things out, in fact. But we did. With a full night's sleep and a new day, things look better again today.

Moral of the story--yes, it's normal; yes, it's painful; yes, it takes a lot of work; yes, it's worth it.

One quick note...it might be helpful to have a good heart to heart about how you both feel about your family, childrearing, and balance of work vs housework. My husband is a very engaged parent with us both being very participatory in our parenting of our 14-year-old son. That makes it easier and harder at the same time. We approach things very differently so we often have to have a powwow about how we're approaching x, y, and z. That's true of household work as well and how we structure (or don't structure) our free time. But as long as the communication lines are open, that helps immensely.

Sometimes one of us feels put upon, unfairly maligned, or left out. Sometimes, it happens too easily. But we know enough to check in with each other. Your husband flipped out about the tape measure, your son not answering, and the tv, but it may really be anger about something that is a broader issue about parenting styles, or the pile in the front entryway, or who knows. It may have nothing to do with anything other than being tired, but it's always good to check in.

My husband and I love each other deeply, but we're not necessarily the easiest match in the world. So, we've got our work cut out for us. Communication is a wonderful thing. It's the key to making it work. Not over-thinking things helps, too. I can be the queen of over-thinking. So, keep things present and try not to project positives and negatives too far into the future.

As my college president once said in a talk with some students, be careful about projecting into the future based on only a few data points. If those projections were accurate, then "the freshman 10" that a lot of girls gain in their first year at college would lead to everyone being huge down the road. But things tend to self-correct as the years proceed or correct themselves with a lot of good effort.

So, best of luck with your new job, your new house, your little ones, and your husband. I'm sure it will all look better once you each pitch in and help where needed, or talk with each other when you need to sort out the balance of work or the tv or whatever the problem of the day is.

Good luck and enjoy! : )

It could be that he needs to see a health professional with moods like that. It is difficult for men to ask for help, however. Also nowadays parents are so busy that they do not have time to properly look after themselves. Not only that, there are a lot of people who have conditions such as ADD and do not even realise it. It is a very subtle and complex condition. Dr. Daniel Amen has written a great book on the subject, titled "Healing ADD: The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD" where he uses his SPECT scans of patient's brain activity to help in making his six classifications. It is remarkable how different they are and how the diagnoisis gets missed all the time.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders -- the DSM, epidemiologic surveys based on the current edition of the DSM show that 50% of American adults have suffered from some sort of mental disorder. Among the other 50%, there are many who never get help that they need.

Some of the most stressful situations that occur in everyone's life are..
Having a child
Buying a house
Moving/Relocating
Employment (being laid off - job searching - starting a new job)

Just one of these can be stressful, you have 3 happening at the same time. So I would just say right now I would say the reactions and emotions that you and hubby are experiencing would be considered normal.

Try to relax as much as possible. See if your mom will take the kids for a few hours so you can get your house in order OR have hubby take the kids and ask mom or a girl friend to come over and help you out.

I'm sure in another 2 months things will be much better and you all settle into your routines.

Its normal, a rough patch like this. ESPECIALLY when you have two young children. The stress just gets right to you. Take time to settle and you'll probably be fine. :)

I was a nanny growing up, so I was fully aware of the stress of many young children and how to handle it. I also did my best to make sure my kid's were at least 3 years apart, just so I wasn't taking care of two toddlers at once which is soo overwhelming, and basically what you are doing :)

My sister had never been around kids that much so there was a period she went through for about 3 months when her husband was working all the time and she felt like she was doing it alone that she was sooo stressed out. But it got better, as you adjust and kids get older things become more managable and less stressful.

It doesn't sound like he's given up, it sounds like he's frustrated and tired too. I understand why he got upset about the 3 year old not answering him, but I think father's see children much differently then mother's do and kids tend to act differently with each parent. In his mind, maybe the 3 year old likes you better, who knows. You should just talk to him, explain how your feeling or better yet get his feelings out of him. My husband gets upset that he has to work all the time, to pay the bills, but doesn't get to spend time with the kids and I understand, its probably extremely frustrating.

They aren't thinking about what we go through and vice versa. Try and talk it out and think of fun family activities to do together. Also, insist that your child always respond to your husband, out of respect. I would do the same if they didn't respond to me, you should teach your child to respect adults including yourself and your husband.

I'm not seeing anyone else sympathizing with you that he was the one over reacting to the tape measure. He sat on his butt all day while you got stuff done and then all of a sudden he "decided" he was ready to take care of something that was NOT a level 1 priority, then he was mean to his own kid!!! I have been there done that and i am on your side!!

If the role was reversesd you had been at the spa all day while he was working on a huge report for work and you come home and start screaming at the kids because you can't find a mixing spoon because you wanted to make cake, do you think he would have said something as tame as " go look for it yourself?"

But as much as you can suck it up and try to talk to him rationally, because number one divorce just means that you still have to deal with him, but you can't actually keep an eye on him. and number 2 while all marriages go through rough patches figuring out how to deal with them and getting over them to get back to the good stuff, is what it is all about.

hope things get better for both of you.

Moving, new babies, new jobs, all add stress. I know my husband and I never argue like we do if something throws our routine off, we're both pretty routine oreinted people, him especially.

This sounds pretty normal to me. There are times when my marriage is great and times when it my husband and I get extremely irritated with each other. He gets irritated with the kids at those times too, even our youngest who is 2. He also goes to sleep if he can't get over his "issues"! Which actually works out ok -- I've learned that he needs to disconnect from the situation in order to calm down and "reset" himself. If he doesn't separate, things just escalate. Marriage is learning to live with your partner's oddities and moods and all -- nothing can be perfect all the time. You have an awful lot going on right now and your husband is probably just adjusting in his own way. Good luck!

All marriages have their rough spots- and you guys have been through a lot of change and stress lately- that will affect your marriage. We have been married for almost 11 years and have gone through some hard times but have been able to come together and work things out together and made our marriage stronger. I know it won't be easy sailing from here on out- but it is easier knowing that neither one of us is willing to give up!
Have a date with your husband and talk to him. You guys need to re-set your priorities and see where you want your marriage and family to go. Make the effort to both commit 100% to this marriage- if you have a strong marriage it will be a better foundation for your children. Sometimes that means shouldering the load while your husband de-stresses- it also means he does the same for you. Start focusing on the little positive things that he does for you and your kids- it will help you feel better!
Good luck!
~C.

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I have been married 9.5 years and have been with my husband for 15.5 years. We have a wonderful marriage and a strong friendship, but we have had rough spots. It is going to happen in any relationship, and all the stress of moving, having young children, and starting a new job can only be contributing in your case. However, that is NOT to say you should ignore the problems and think they will get better if you just wait it out. Strong marriage takes work. It takes a commitment to treating your partner and children respectfully and lovingly, even when you don't feel like it. It takes commitment to the marriage, not just to the person you've chosen to marry.

I would talk to your husband about the stress you're feeling in general and in your relationship. Don't point a finger at him -- just say you're feeling like you're both a little snappier than usual and that you want to figure out how you can reduce some of the stress. Here's a simple place you can start. My husband was reading about the power of hugging recently, and so we've been trying it. Just giving more random hugs throughout the day. And you know what? I think it's making us feel happier and closer. It's small, but it's easy to do and might help. Beyond that, think about how you can change your own behavior (you can only control your behavior, after all). You're not going to get it right all the time, but when you don't, apologize. Even if your husband should be apologizing too and isn't, just do your part. Did you use a sarcastic tone? Did you raise your voice? And if he doesn't realize his own bad behavior and apologize too, wait for the moment to calm down and then discuss it with him later, in as nonjudmental a way as you can manage. Make sure the point is to help him (and you) to improve the next time, not to assign blame for what's already happened.

I don't know whether you are religious at all. I have only recently started going to church occasionally. But for some reason throughout my life I have taken the time each night to thank God for the good things in my life. If you aren't religious, you can just think about the things you are thankful for. Do this even when you've had a horrible day and feel like you want to throw in the towel. I've found that it really helps my mood to realize that there ARE things to be thankful for every single day. The other thing I have just started to do recently is to think about what things I wish I'd done differently throughout the day. I've found this exercise makes me more aware of my behavior DURING the day, so that as soon as I've done something in a way I shouldn't have, I think, well, that's something I should ask forgiveness for.

Good luck. Nothing will make things easier right away, but if you and your husband are willing to work on this together, you'll get through it.

I am so happy you got that fixed.
You are right life isnt a bed of roses. I have one child and a stay at home mother and I still think a day isn't enough to make me complete my tasks. You have two children and you both work full time so be very proud of yourself because I know I can't do what you do.
My marriage isn't perfect, who's is? Especially if you have young children. I look at my friends with same age children (toddlers) and we are all going through the same thing. Our children still needs us a lot. By the time they are seven I think it starts getting a little easy but it really doesnt until they get to college and have moved out. But even then, we still worry about them.
I always wish and tell my husband that I hope he could prioritize my child the way I do. That her needs would be his priority like it is to me, but then my therapist reminds me that men aren't wired that way.
You have to remember that there are 4 very stressful situations in a person's life (1-moving, 2-new baby, 3-new job, 4-death). You have a new job, you just moved and your baby being 8 months is still considered closely to a new baby, so you got 3 out of four.
I feel your stress when you say you dont want your children to grow up remembering all of your fights. I feel the same way, so we try our hardest to fight away from her but we're not perfect. And when we do, we always explain to her (she's 4 yr old) that a lot of people disagree but it only means, we dont agree on something but we still agree on loving each other. And she gets it. I know I can never be the perfect parent but I can show her that I know I make mistakes and I try hard to correct them.
With your husband and his tv, I always tell my husband that I really have 2 children. One toddler who has a drivers license and one who dreams of having one. I think men will always behave that way, but it doesnt mean that I am the wife and his mother.
I think what helps me is having a therapist. I make sure to see her twice a month and I always see her when I know Im going to get busy. Because that would be the most stressful time. Take time for you. And go out with girlfriends and laugh about it. All of us women needs it.

You will go through many stages throughout your marriage. Sounds like right now is pretty stressful for all and it may take a while to calm down considering it takes time to unpack and get organized.

When things get rough, I try to do something to show my husband I am thinking of him and I appreciate him. I make him nice dinner and try to do something relaxing. I make a point to say positive and supportive comments (I.e. things have been difficult and I thought we needed a break before we jump back into unpacking again.) Remember to say/do 5 positive things for every 1 negative thing said/done.

Marriages are work. They require patience and respect and that is especially hard during stressful times but thats when we have to put the effort into it. I find one of us takes the first step and the other follows.

One more thought... I find I am happier and my marriage runs smoother when I don't freak out over little things like not having the house perfect after moving. I like things done NOW but don't allow for the time and energy to get it done. I get frustrated and short with everyone and that snowballs into everyone else being cranky too. Your nanny will understand that things aren't perfect. She will see your house look great very soon. Don't stress over it too much-your marriage and sanity is far more important.

Good luck.

I've been married 7 years also with 2 young kids. Moves, job changes, children... all that stuff really lays the stress heavy on marriages. My husband and I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book together and even went to a Christian counselor a few times. It helped us tremendously. We didn't have a 'bad' marriage either, but were definitely going through a very rough time. We needed to work on our stress and how we communicated and appreciated each other. I think it would seriously help you guys. Also, choose your battles. The tape measure thing is annoying, put it in context, was he having a rough day? You just moved, your house doesn't need to be perfect right away. Try and set a timetable for oyu all so oyu can get some relax time, yourself included.

Dr. Sears has some great advice on behavior issues and fostering good family communication with children here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

also, his tips on calming anger as parents could be helpful as well:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp

Also, continue to date once a week during these rough times, do family activities together and share the burdens of watching the children and taking care of the home, cooking dinners together, saying a nightly prayer together. These things will help your marriage greatly.

Are you married to my husband????? Sounds like you could be!

I believe you need to have a heart to heart with him, when things aren't crazy and heated. Let him know that while you may not actually be siding w/ the kids, you do have to "stick up" for them when he is acting a bit out of control. Kids will be kids and the adults have to act as an adult. Let him know how stressed you are and tell him that you need his help.

My hubby often goes off working on things he decides needs to be done, including projects he has put off and acts like they are urgent. Meanwhile, the every day OBVIOUS stuff completely escapes him. MEN!!!!!!

Everyone goes through rough patches in their marriage. It is when you stick with it and push through that your relationship becomes stronger! You need to take into consideration that you guys are going through a very stressful time right now. Have you ever taken one of those stress tests? It is like you get points for all the things that have happened in the last year or two to determine how much stress you are going through. Moving, having a baby, starting new job - all are things that cause stress. I bet you guys would rate pretty high on the scale.

If you give up on your marriage, you will most likely end up in another relationship that has the same issues or other issues. There is no perfect relationship. The important thing is that you make a CHOICE to work through things with your husband. As long as you are not in an abusive relationship, that is always going to be the best thing for your kids. You CHOOSE to Love your spouse, you CHOOSE to let things slide when times are tough, you CHOOSE to forgive when things are said that hurt your feelings!

My guess is he went to bed because he was incredibly frustrated and didn't want to take it out on you guys anymore. Whenever we have moved, the unpacking is always my responsibility. He moves everything, I unpack everything.....I think that is just how guys think the moving is supposed to be. Don't get me wrong, I did go back like you said and get odds and ends from the old house, but the majority of moving is on his shoulders, not mine, and the majority of the unpacking is on my shoulders, not his.

As far as your 3 year old goes, he should definately be able to stop watching the show and answer your husband. That is very disrespectful. 3 is old enough to be able to respond. Even if he just said "I don't know" to completely ignore your husband is not acceptable. I think I would've shut the tv down too if my son was ignoring me. Well, maybe I would've just paused it, but I can understand why your husband felt that way. You also need to consider that you are going to have to step aside sometimes and let your husband deal with your son if you want your son to grow into a MAN. Boys NEED their Dads to teach them how t become MEN, we cannot do it. We are not men, there are things that we can teach are sons that will be helpful to them, but we cannot teach them to be MEN, it just is not possible. We are not built the same way.

I hope that things work out for you.

Yes, stress can be very hard on a marriage. I guess we take out frustrations on the one we love the most, I dont know why. My hubby and I have hit two very rough patches and both have been because our oldest (adult???) child was going through a very bad stretch causing stress on us. When we stop and realize the problem was him not us we stopped feeling like our marriage was failing.
I know there are statistics about marriages breaking up after the birth of a disabled child, again too much stress. Sounds like your stress is based mostly on the move coupled with you going back to work, these are two really big stressers. But the good news is that moving is a temporary situation, and you will get used to the change of going back to work. No he was not right to get mad at the 3 yr old but I would let that go right now and focus on keeping calm and hoping he will keep calm. Dont set a deadline for getting the house in order, see if you can get your mom to babysit so you and hubby can have a relaxing dinner out. Just tell him you feel stressed and need to re connect. Men are a little like children in that they need to be reassured they are important to you even when you are busy, and that your love and respect them as they are, even when you need more from them, and that you appreciate them even when you ask them for more. Sound complicated? I love the books by John Grey Mars and Venus in Touch is a nice short one (you sound too busy for the longer version!) helps you learn how to talk to your husband, and I started reading Toward a Growing Marriage by Gary Chapman which I like a lot so far. Now that you are working you will need more help from your husband in the home, start by appreciating anything he does, when you ask for help be specific and make it sound like you NEED his help but are not criticizing him for not already helping. Imagine your teenage nephew has just moved in, he's willing to help but has no idea what you need him to do and hasnt helped you in the past. Are you angry with him for not knowing what to do and for not doing it last week? of course not, you patiently ASK him for what you need. If he puts the dishes away in the wrong place thank him for helping. If he gives the kids spagettios when you wanted them to eat chicken and vegetables thank him for helping.
I personally think sex is great for reconnecting, if you're too tired let him know you really miss being intimate but are just exhausted at the end of a day being cook, chauffer, cleaner, daycare, night nurse, homemaker etc on top of working outside the home. I once told my husband foreplay was now cleaning the kitchen together rather than me cleaning the kitchen while he sat on the couch. And if it makes you feel better your kids are so young they will NOT remember this stressful time.

Me and my husband fight all the time it seems. And its over stupid little things! We have been married a year and a half and have a one year old. everyone says that its normal the first year, and when u have babies its harder. Honestly I didnt think we were gonna make it, But just remember if its little things you will get over it! I mean if hes a drunk and hits you obviously its bad. But sometimes the little fights, if there is enough of them hurt just as much.

HELLO, you are fighting over a tape measure? OMG

Moving is ONE of the MOST stressful things you can do while you are a couple. It is a PAIN because all your STUFF is in disarray and you are tired and frazzled and need your NEST back.
You two need to take a deep breath and promise yourselves that you dont hate each other you only hate moving :) and learn from this move some of the things you will try not to do to yourselves in the next move if there has to be one.

You say that the issues have only started since the kids have come along.. but you say you've been married for 3 years and have 3YO ... so you've had children for your entire marriage (less 9 months)??

Marriage is very hard.... maybe you can have him go to counseling with you. I purposely picked a male counselor so that my husband didn't feel like it was 2 women ganging up on him. So far so good.

Stress adds to our tempers. I always feel like us moms have a lot of power to defuse tempers and lighten stressful moments. It takes a lot of work and patiences but with persistence and consistency, you can make a tense situation better. Try to be understanding toward your hubby and let this go. I'm sure your husband means well and is just got frustrated when he was trying to get something done and couldn't find the tape measure. A little bit of understanding can go a long way in a marriage. =) I've been married for 19 1/2 years and I have 5 children. Good luck!!