Husband Traveling----bad Relationship

This is hardly a reason to divorce over. Have you thought about taking vacation time from work and going with him when he travels? Maybe his mom could watch the little one. You guys need to reconnect, not divorce!

There have been similar posts as yours fairly recently. You need to put this in a logical perspective.
You have a baby that I'm sure you adore. I'm sure your husband adores your child as well and would much rather be home and watch him grow like you get to do BUT his job requires a lot of his time. I will throw caution to the wind and assume he makes fairly good money travelling abroad and that is why he's doing it (staying in hotels all the time wears you out and I'm sure he'd rather be home in his own bed cuddled up next to wifey). While our marriages are young and we are raising little ones it is all projected for the future outcome. We work, we struggle, we raise the kids and THEN we reap the benefits of all that hard work later.
I would guess he wont always be travelling and working abroad, at some point he will be working closer to home and be an 8 to 5'r like the majority. Even then you are tired when you get home from work yet still have to face kids and other family related issues.
What would a divorce do for you? It would mean you would end up with shared custody and your child would go with Dad to parts unknown or be dropped at your ex MIL's home and you'd be home alone worrying and fretting till your child was back home again. You would then have to start dating again and find someone that was compatible and that liked your child enough to be a step dad.
Your baby wont always be a year old, and wont always be a bad sleeper.
You are tired and stressed out and want to blame everything on your husband. You guys are a team and you are doing what you need to do to survive and have the things you want to have, right?
When he finally gets home, make it an attractive place for him to want to be. Do things for him that insure that he's homesick when he's gone. Let him know how much you miss him and need him. He's working for you guys. You arent a single mom struggling, but if that's where you want to go I think you would regret that decision in a few years when you realize you messed up a good thing by not having enough patience to get past this.
Lots of moms and dads work a lot and are gone a lot but you are still a family and you will always be mom and dad to your child.
People that have been married for 40 or 50 years all have stories to tell about the early years of the marriage, it's never easy. It takes commitment to perservere.
Get some help with your baby, have him stay at Grandma's for a wknd so you can get some much needed rest. There's nothing wrong with letting someone else watch your child from time to time so you can regroup.
You will be okay and you will get through this.
Plan a vacation for you and hubby so you have something on the calender to look forward to. That might help pull you out of your mood.
Hang in there :)

Your marriage is worth saving.
First of all, I understand your feelings, but I think you are mistaken if you think travelling around so much is all fun and games. It's exhausting.
You're stuck at home with the kid while he's galavanting around the world.
It doesn't seem fair at all.
I have travelled quite a bit and although I like it, it drains me like crazy and takes me a while to get readjusted. Especially with different time zones. I never sleep well when I'm away. My body clock is always off.
I'm just saying that it might not be as easy as it seems when you compare your situations.
Does he make fabulous money? Not that it's everything, but if you are on the verge of divorce, consider not having his income to bank on and STILL having a kid. On your own.
What will it take for you to feel better?
A weekend getaway just for you and he stays with your child?
If so, tell him that's what you need.
If you want him home more, can you afford to lose his income?
Maybe you can while he tries to find something more close.
I work with doctors, male and female, and I often wonder how their families manage with them on call around the clock. But, somehow they do it.
Fighting isn't effective.
Before resentment builds, think of some things that you think will work to make the situation better and communicate them to your husband.
Leave the MIL out of the equation. Of course she is going to see things from her son's perspective.
Try to come up with some solutions to present instead of fighting and thinking of divorce.
Deep down, I don't think you really want that.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

You can't change him but only your response to him and this. While it seems unfair that he gets this travel Can you understand his taking opportunities to visit places he might not see otherwise? I myself would be all over that. Could you use vacation time and join him for the extra days? Either asking his mother to watch the baby or bringing the baby with (my little guy has been a great travel companion)? If that is not an option what about looking into childcare once in awhile to give yourself that break? You deserve one too.

No matter how frustrating this situation is to you I promise you divorce will increase your nightmare Twenty-fold. So I would suggest saving that for a deal breaker issue. But definitely find some way to get your self some personal time.

I can only speak on the MIL part...my MIL thinks I am to blame for my husband over working. It is his choice to work the hours he does and it is his goal he strives for, not mine. Ignore her.

Hi Kate,
I am so sorry for all the stress you are going through right now. A number of my friends are in the exact same situation and I can see first hand just how hard it is on them and the whole family.
I think the first step may be to try to put the anger aside for a while and try to establish some boundaries and guidelines for the family. See if you can set up a routine for when your husband is away: how often will you talk, set up times you will always talk by cell or skype, how much time to take to 'see the sites' while traveling and how often to do that (does it have to be every trip). Recognize that while it is difficult, the travel is necessary for his work. Can you make an arrangement regarding relief when he is home? For instance, you get a day to yourself when he returns from his travels? Also try to maintain a strong routine when he is home to give your family that stability. I know that not all of this is possible but even little changes can help to make you all feel better and to know what to expect. It might help. Oh, and stop listening to his mom. It's not her relationship. What mom wouldn't think their child deserves a break?

Also, if your 1 yr old isn't a good sleeper, can you get a night nurse for a night or two during the week? Especially when hubby is away? My kid was not a good sleeper either, esp during the first 2+ years. It was torture some nights and I was freaking miserable! I wish I had thought of a night nurse and given myself that gift once in a while.

The first year really is the hardest and the world always looks brighter with a good nights sleep.

I'm sorry I don't have any great pearls of wisdom for you. Hang in there. You can get through this and find a happy medium.

((hugs))

Just to give you some perspective, going by what you wrote in your question post, divorce is so not the answer. I don't think you are really that unhappy with him and what he does, just unhappy that you don't get to do it too. If you felt rested and satisfied at home with your life then I don't think you would have a problem with his traveling either. What will it accomplish getting him to give up his few days off between trips? Probably he will become more stressed out and likely you will look to him to give you a break and he will feel like ok but where's my break? It seems you need to allow him his time to unwind, take the focus off of him and look at what you can do to improve your own situation while he is gone. There are some good suggestions here. Take more time for yourself, ask MIL for help watching the kids so you can take a day to yourself with a friend, or a trip to meet your husband when he is sightseeing somewhere. Join a club, take a class, something you love, something just for you. You deserve it too as does your husband. If you can take responsibility for your own happiness, the two of you will be a lot happier together when he is home! Good luck!

Look at it this way.......IF the situation were reversed and YOU were the one on the road..... wouldn't you take avantage to explore the country you were in? He obviously works very hard, these trips are on an expense account and it is a perk with his job.

My husband is on the road a lot. Not as much as he was when we were newly married or when daughter was young which was 3-4 nights a week. Now it is 3-7 nights a month. He works hard and it is not all that fun to be in a hotel with fmaily at home and a baby growing up.

You need to figure out a good routine for you and your son.

Find something you like to do for you so you have some down time. The only person responsible for your happiness is you.

I don't mean to sound mean but by reading your post, it just sounds like you are jealous. Don't you think divorce would turn life upside down for all of you? Especially that little baby.

I think you need to take the resentment you have toward your husband out of the equation....focus on what you can do in "your world" that will make it better.
Can you afford help? A babysitter a few times per week so you can nap, do errands, etc.?
Do you work? If not, can you nap when your baby naps?
I know it's hard to "make do" with a situation that you feel you have no control over, but this is only the beginning. Being a mom is WAY more life changing than being a dad.
Hang in there.
p.s. How would divorce improve your quality of life?

You two really need to have an honest, open dialogue with each other. Remain calm and sincere and lay it out on the line. It isn't fair nor necessary that he takes several days off with each work trip.

You two should discuss when it is acceptable for him to do this, and when he needs to cut it on time and come home. But you also need to be understanding of times when he does need his breaks. He needs clear sets of guideline on his demands and the things he needs to do at home to support his family emotionally as well as the financial provider.

Also, keep his mom out of your issues. There are healthy ways to argue and resolve things, and putting selfishness aside is one of them. My husband and I read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book together and it gave us some great insight and helped us out a lot. Also, start doing more little things together and as a family. Have little date nights and reconnect.

I really do suggest seeing a counselor together. I strongly feel that most marriages can be saved, when two people truly have concern for each other and strive to make it work and not be selfish.

My husband travels on about week long trips for work every few months. We stay connected though and hold the fort down here. If he needs an extra day or two, it's okay with me so long as he treats me and helps me out once he's home.

I hope you can watch these two short (less than 5 minutes) little videos together on this:

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

I don't know that this is really worth divorcing over... he's not abusive, not having an affair, not blatantly disrespectful, not boozing-up with his buddies... he's travelling for work and sight-seeing while he's there.

A few days- is that 1-2 or 5 days of "touring"? Honestly, I think you're jealous of his access to "free time" and annoyed that his mother supports his downtime. Forget the MIL issue b/c it doesn't directly impact you or your child, but I would use it to your advantage and have her watch your little one so that you could join him or take a trip together.

Make time for yourself and don't think that your are a bad parent or employee if you take a "sick day" to stay home and sleep while your little guy is at daycare. When my son was very young, I will openly admit to doing so. You need to take care of yourself, but also take responsibility for your own happiness and satisfaction.

This isn't an issue with your husband's travel. This is part of his job and honestly as someone who travels for work- it gets old. The first night away from home I don't sleep well and the second night is pretty darn nice. After that, I miss my husband and my son.

You may also consider working on your son's sleep habits. You say he's a bad sleeper, but by a year he should be sleeping through the night and for a solid 10-12 hours. If you need to, check out the Ferber book from the library and CIO. Some people don't like it, but it works and it works quickly.

Take control of what YOU can control- your son's sleep habits, your need for "time off" and not getting into arguments with your MIL over your jealousy... and start making some changes. Spend time alone with your husband and ask MIL to watch your son if you need a night "off". You both deserve some R & R, so take the time to do so.

If I were you, I'd look at his schedule and plan a trip for myself during a time when he should be at home. Then, don't ask if he will watch your child while you're gone, just tell him matter-of-factly that you're going, period.

So sorry you are going through this. What if you take a few hours to yourself when your husband is home? Maybe if you were to go shopping, or out to the movies with your friends, or whatever it is you like to do outside the home, maybe then, your husband would realize how difficult it is to care for a child on his own. If he doesn't, then at least you get a break for yourself too.
I find myself frustrated like this. My husband also works a lot at times. I don't make any time for myself because I feel guilty being away from my son. So, I'm giving this advice but not taking it. haha I don't work-out or hang out with friends often. I often have canceled at the last minute. I'm so burnt out after my 40 hour work week. When I do go out and do something, I feel a little better afterwards though. I would rather use my time to sleep but my son will wake me up, even if I were to lock the door. He'd bang on it and my husband will not keep him away. So, I think the only way to get peace is to do something outside the home. Your husband is getting a break why not you too?

Your MIL is mixing into something that is between you and your husband.
As someone who travels for a living I can tell you that while you are working you don't see the country. It is understandable that he wants to see the land he's been sent to.
Both of you must get time together too. Hire a babysitter to take a walk on the beach together, eat dinner out, spend time listening to each other.
Put the baby in a carriage and walk over the Golden Gate bridge together. In this way you can get away from the endless arguments.

Kate,

Did your husband travel a lot prior to marriage?

Does he earn enough money so that you could work part-time?

Would you be able to travel with him every now and then?

Could you get a sitter, family or friend to give you a break so you can have some "me time" while your husband is away?

At one year, your baby should be on a schedule, same meal times, bath time, play time, nap time, bed time etc. as a daily routine. This way he/she will become more content and a better sleeper, unless he/she is ill or just not feeling well due to teething, which sometime will cause a low grade temp.

Do you want a divorce or are you simply a bit envious that your husband gets to see more of the world and you feel tied down to home, child and job?

Are you more sleep deprived and tired?

In other words, is your marriage and family worth saving? If the answer is yes, you and your man need to sit together and have a serious and frank discussion and try to to make it an argument.

I wish you all the very best.

Blessings.....

Use a two-pronged approach: First, do what you need to do to get a break now. Enlist friends, family or hire a sitter or mother's helper so that you can get a nap; or higher a cleaning service so that can get the house cleaned but then nap when the kiddo naps. Anyone who offered to help you out with the baby was newborn---tap those people now. Get a break, recharge yourself. Trade babysitting; whatever you need to do, get yourself a break.

Once you've had your break, (and if possible make it a regular thing!), then rethink the issues with your DH. Think about the problem, as you see it, and think about what you think the solution is (but don't be set on only one answer being right--be willing to compromise). Then, when DH is home next, sit down with him, and talk to him, heart to heart. Don't begrudge him his trips, but do let him know that you need him to a be a partner and need for him to help you out and help you to get the breaks, since you're "in the trenches" of childcare, so to speak. Ask him to help you solve the problem, and ask him to spend more time with you and with your child--because yes, sometimes babies are not that exciting (some guys have trouble bonding with them until they are 2 or 3 and are more interactive/responsive), but that you don't want the baby to not know or feel comfortable with his/her daddy.

If he's not responsive, or doesn't follow through, then try this: check the schedule, and when he's in town, tell him that you have plans and you'll be away for several hours and he'll be watching the baby. Then, go do something nice/fun/relaxing for a few hours. He's a dad, and it's not babysitting if you're watching your own child, LOL. And if he's angry about it before or after you get back, ask him to think about how he felt about it and then put himself in your shoes----because for you, it's every single day, 24/7 when he's not home.....

Hi Kate - so sorry about your situation. Sleep deprivation is brutal and takes its toll in many areas. I, the working mom, have been the one who has had to travel abroad frequently in our family over the last 3 years (my son is now 3). Whenever possible, I had my husband come join me. It definitely takes some planning but it was great. I would add that I brought my son with me (along with a friend or relative to help me) on all of my trips until he was 13 months old. It definitely isn't easy but very doable, especially until they turn 2 (and you have to pay for their ticket). If you husband isn't open to having you join him then I agree with others that he should arrange his schedule when he comes back to give you time to get away with some friends or on your own. Someone asked if his trip extensions were 1-2 days or 3-5? If it's a day or two that seems reasonable but any longer, I would think once in a while might be reasonable but frequently is not really fair. I think you have gotten good advice on sleep ideas. There are some really good books out there. Getting some help (even just in the evenings or at strategic times) so you can get some breaks would be good. Keep in mind also that your child won't be 1 year old forever. Eventually, this will pass. It is worth trying to work out a balanced plan with your husband so everyone's needs are taken into consideration.

Best of luck to you.

Just Breath, this will pass. Little ones are the toughest time but it is also the best time of your life. The more resentment you feel the more stressed you'll be. Just tell him know how you feel and then LET IT GO. Baby needs you both. I was there once, I realized I just couldn't keep up with everything and wasn't getting the help I needed from my hubby either and I just started cutting some things out of the schedule. I no longer do my husbands laundry, I do mine and the kids and he can do his own. I no longer clean the entire house everyday but one deeper clean a month that I schedule with my husband where he has to leave with the kids so I can get busy without interference. Hope this helps.

I think if it were me traveling, I would prefer to get home ASAP to see my child.. Kids change so much and I want to be around for as much of it as possible. Staying away longer than I needed to really wouldn't be something I would enjoy. Those baby and toddler years fly by and during that time, kids learn to speak, walk and so much more.... it's time a person can NEVER get back... you might remind him of that.. not in a guilt filled way, but rather, it is the truth.... One year old... it's such a beautiful time in a child's life.... (sigh) ....

I remember your post from a month ago or so. Sounds like you are in the same boat now only MORE exhausted.
I think this is your main problem. I also have a one year old and I am intensely crabby and can't think logically when I am exhausted, which is much of the time. Another problem for me when I'm so tired is that I have no perspective on the future. I only know I'm suffering NOW and anything or anyone not helping me is making me feel worse.
Your husband is not the enemy. Don't make your child's poor sleeping habits be the cause of a divorce. It's not fair to anyone and especially not your child.
You need to get real sleep. Not just a nap or two, but consecutive hours each night for many nights in a row. Serious sleep deprivation (the kind that builds up over months and months) takes a long time to overcome.

Hire two kinds of consultants: first, hire a sleep consultant and get your son to sleep better. And then a month or two later hire a therapist for either yourself or the two of you. It will cost a lot but not nearly as much as trying to make it on your own month after month.
And screw the mother-in-law. Don't let her "into" the marriage. Don't let her voice distract you or add negativity to your outlook.

Keep breathing. It will get better.

Updated

I remember your post from a month ago or so. Sounds like you are in the same boat now only MORE exhausted.
I think this is your main problem. I also have a one year old and I am intensely crabby and can't think logically when I am exhausted, which is much of the time. Another problem for me when I'm so tired is that I have no perspective on the future. I only know I'm suffering NOW and anything or anyone not helping me is making me feel worse.
Your husband is not the enemy. Don't make your child's poor sleeping habits be the cause of a divorce. It's not fair to anyone and especially not your child.
You need to get real sleep. Not just a nap or two, but consecutive hours each night for many nights in a row. Serious sleep deprivation (the kind that builds up over months and months) takes a long time to overcome.

Hire two kinds of consultants: first, hire a sleep consultant and get your son to sleep better. And then a month or two later hire a therapist for either yourself or the two of you. It will cost a lot but not nearly as much as trying to make it on your own month after month.
And screw the mother-in-law. Don't let her "into" the marriage. Don't let her voice distract you or add negativity to your outlook.

Keep breathing. It will get better.

I would try to work out a compromise with him. Let him know that that is okay for him to take a couple of days to explore sometimes, but not all the time. He needs to be home for you and your child when he can. I would also discuss the option you being able to go with him sometimes (if you can take vaction from your own work). I also agree that you might want to try to find a sitter who can watch your child occasionally after work so you can go out and do something for yourself. If he is taking all his vacation time to explore while he's traveling and not saving any for you as a family to take a vacation than this is a problem and he needs to see that as such.

When our girls were young my husband was working overseas and traveling heavily. He did not do any pleasure travel during these trips because he felt it was unfair to me - being at home with two toddlers. Even though he stuck to business travel it was a hard time for our relationship. When someone is gone for long periods of time it's VERY hard on the parent who stays with the child/children. And my husband was "having fun" even if he wasn't traveling to other places for pleasure. He was living in Tokyo, going out to dinner, going to bars with his work friends, basically being "single". Frankly, since you are a working mom (I was a stay at home mom) I think you're getting the short end of the stick. Your husband should have more sensitivity to your situation and your MIL should mind her own business. It might be useful for you to take a vacation by yourself and let you husband care for your child for a week - assuming the MIL won't come and bail him out. You are right to feel frustrated.

You call up your MIL, let her vent on how much her DS needs a much needed break, agree to your wits end and then say you are planning a weekend get-a-way for him and was hoping she could watch your child! :) While there is some sarcasm in that, its a great idea for you and for your marriage. Is it fair to say there is some resentment towards him because he gets a break in his work travels? You deserve a break too and it might have to be with him, if you want to try to work things out. Having a baby I think is a huge adjustment, almost like the first year or marriage for some. Good luck.

I'm going to ask it... Are you sure he's not cheating on you? Seems to me that a man who travels a lot for work would want to spend most of his time home with his family rather than spending more time traveling.

I'm sorry your one year old doesn't sleep well, I think that is a huge part of your problem. People always get the impression that traveling is so wonderful and exotic....it can be nice but I don't like being seven hours out of my time zone (I sleep horrible) and missing the comforts I am familiar with. Last time I was in Spain, I added on a few days to go to Madrid because I knew I wouldn't be back for a long time. Other times I have been to Hawaii I go a week early with my daughter and send her back by herself so her dad can meet her at the airportand I can go to my meeting.

I think divorce is a much more difficult situation (from experience). You think you have burdens now??? Do you expect a couple of weekends per month free or are you willing to give up your kid 50% of the time?? Make this situation work for your family!! Get your child to sleep better, have some fun your self and be realistic.Good luck!

I understand your plight.
However, I think you would be devastated by divorce. You would only get to see your sweet baby 1/2 the time. I believe these issues can be worked through.
Try talking with him when he is home.
Try coming to a compromise.
Ask (nicely) for the help you need, want and deserve.
Most men in this situation would do the same thing. The woman/mother's shoulders are where the entire reponsibilty of raising a child fall.
I don't think it's right but it's true with everyone I've seen my marriage included.
We are on the verge of divorce and it's sad to be w/o your child.
We've recently started speaking to each other about the issues that caused this and I was surprised at some and not at others.
I was able to also discuss my issues/problems/requests w/the help in child rearing.
So I say try to communicate
You need to so it in a positive, healthy manner in order to bring about change and to be heard.
I say sit down w/him and try to calmly discuss why his behavior hurts you.
Make a list now so you can get your point across and you won't forget anything.
Good luck and try because I think things can be fixed in most marriages.

Take a breath and realize exactly what is going on. Was this the same job your husband had before your son was born? Did the 2 of you talk about the care of your child when you decided to have a baby?

My husband and I had lot of discussions about his job/career and about my job/career. How was it going to work exactly. What was going to change.

I was a buyer for a large store and was out of town 2 weeks at a time while on buying trips. I worked harder and more hours there than I did when I was in town. People think because you travel for work it is less stressful, but I realized it is even more exhausting than caring for a child.. Lots less sleep and rest.. We got up early and stayed up late placing orders. Then we walked and stood all day long, for 13 days straight.. No days off.

I understand you are exhausted. I also do not function well without good sleep. Could you place your child in day care or with a care giver for a few days a week? This would allow you time to take a nap a few days. Could you get a house keeper to help with the house work?

What exactly can you do about your sons sleeping habits? what is his schedule? Can you work on fixing his sleep? He needs to stay on a very strong schedule.. He needs active play in the morning and again in the afternoon. Running errands is not an activity.. He needs to be able to run, jump, swing, climb for at least 2 hours per day.. He also needs an afternoon nap.11:30 to 1:30 (here is your chance for a nap). At night he should eat dinner, have a nice quiet bath and then to bed..7:30 pm.. You go to bed at 9:00.

Stay away from MIL.. I learned my lesson that some MIL.. will never be on your side..

Your marriage must be worth saving, if this is your biggest problem.. because this can be fixed, you just need to figure out some solutions for yourself when your husband is not in town. If you divorce you will be in even a worse situation. You will always be all alone with your child..

I am sending you strength.

One question, re the MIL's interference... how is she able to tell you how much her son needs his relaxation unless you are talking with her about how you feel about him being gone? If you are talking to her about it, you need to stop doing that. It only makes things worse between you and her and with your entire situation.

One idea... can you plan time off from your work to coincide with a trip your husband is making and just go along? It might give the two of you an opportunity to see each other in a different light and also give you an opportunity to see another country as well. Personally, I think if I were in your shoes, part of the problem would be jealousy over him getting to see these places when you can't. Maybe that isn't your problem, but think about it carefully and see if it might be a factor. If you do go with him, you could either get someone to take care of your child while you are gone, or take the child with you and enjoy the trip as a family. While your husband is taking care of the business aspects of his trip, you could be doing some sight-seeing on your own and perhaps even find things to do together that he wouldn't have discovered on his own.