Husband Troubles

I don't know what to tell you but, my sister in law was having about the same issues with her husband. Jamie Deffenbaugh. You might see if you can find her on here and send her a message and talk with her about it. Hope things get better for you.

I was diagnosed with BD about 9 months ago, after my husband and I had both filed for divorce, once I got on medications and my moods leveled out, we have been back together for the past 7 months and things have been wonderful (not without counseling, hard work, and commitment to saving our marriage and family)! After being diagnosed w/BD I realized that my dad had it also (tends to run in families), but went undiagnosed. He committed suicide when I was 15, as many people with BD do. I think you should do your research and present him with what you find. If there is anyone in his family that will back you, you should enlist their help. It could save his life AND your marriage! This response may sound VERY DRAMATIC, but I CANNOT believe how differently I feel about life on my medications. I do hear though, that most people don't like to be diagnosed OR take their meds. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!

A brain disfunctioning due to a chemical imbalance isn't any different than an imbalance due to low levels of insulin (which cause diabetes), however, it cannot be measured so it can be hard to convince a person to get help.

I would gently let him know that his behavior and mood swings are disrupting the family and that there may be a medical reason. However, it is up to a doctor to diagnose whether or not that is what is actually going on. I would start out by telling him that you are very concerned about his health because mood swings can be a symptom of something wrong. (Mental or physical disorder). Ask him to go with you to the doctor to describe his symptoms. Your doctor should be able to help you diagnose whether or not he is suffering from somthing mental or physical... or refer you to Laureate. (For example, my dad gets really off when his blood pressure is really high... he has already had a stroke.)

Go to http://www.laureate.com/ You can print off the symptoms of some different disorders and talk to him about them. I believe they offer both counseling and medication if needed.

He's your baby's father and I think it is worth a shot to get him some help.

M.,
My husband is bipolar, but he tends to spend weeks at a time in one state or the other, instead of daily or hourly mood swings. DON'T feel guilty for doing what you have to do for your daughter. Just don't feel guilty -- that is the best advice I can give. It's not your fault that he is unhappy -- even if he isn't bipolar, you still have to take care of your child. I agree with working on your marriage and all of that. I totally support that. But you also have to remember that when someone is being illogical, you aren't going to convince them with logic, so you just have to do what you have to do, even if it is not popular.

Good luck!
M.

How about this. Before you approach him again on this subject, start keeping a journal. Promise yourself you will take the words "you" "always" and "never" out of your vocabulary when you are being goaded into bickering with him. These are the words that cause an argument to continue. Sadly, I can cause a problem too. When you put things on yourself and say things like, " When you say this or that I feel this way or that", this type of person will accuse you of being selfish and everything is always about you. Do not judge or let yourself sound like you are judging in any way. Take a step backwards and see his behavior as less of a reflection on you or the way he really sees you. But see his behavior as just that. Behavior is more learned habits than actual reflections on our day to day feelings. Try to just observe and answer as softly as you can when he is grumpy.

If you keep a very specific journal about the things he say's, good, bad and indifferent, then you will A) have something to take to a professional if you choose to go. And B), when you try and talk to him you will have proof of what you are talking about.

I wish I had the knowledge of these disorders and psycholgy when I was young. My husband is very much the way you describe. At least he used to be. He has changed a lot over the last 5 years or so. But we had a lot of really bad years, many break-ups and reconciliations and our daughters suffered a lot.

One really bad thing about living with someone like this is that it will rub off on you. I find a lot of myself in these descriptions of your husband. It's really hard for me to keep my emotions and my behaviors level. I don't think I was that way when I was young. But we have been married 22 years and there is a LOT of water under the bridge.

A lot of this sounds like plain old immaturity too. Please don't take this the wrong way. But people in their 20's have a LOT to learn about life, love, and marriage. I remember feeling like I had the world by the tail back then. Now I'm 41 and I realize just how wrong I was.

Suzi

M., this is an awful thing to say, but in a way you are lucky that he is on the road as much as he is. Any adult knows that a sick kid takes priority over EVERYTHING.

I suggest strongly you find a therapist for yourself, to help you know what you are dealing with - whether or not he will go. It should be covered by your insurance. A therapist can help you determine whether he's bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, abusive, or whatever. She can give you suggestions for how to talk to him and help you decide whether his behavior can be managed, or whether you should run as fast as you can!

Good luck. My heart goes out to you and your daughter...

Hey girl, I can't tell what to do all i can do is sugest. Yup, you are going to get that from a truck driver. i have been with my t.d. for 20yrs and yes they do get stressed out.You know what i learn to do is to get God in your life and his,we have to be strong for the family and with God all things are possible.M. ,you are very young and i know it's hard for you as it was for me at that age. Iam 41 soon to be 42 nov, 23 so yes i can let you know a few thing that you go through with living with a truck driver listen do you live in cape girardeau if so let me know and lets try to get our husbands hooked up so they can talk about there jobs.they love doing that .Like to know more about you'all.May God keep you and your family.

I dido what Mary f said. Definately get some help!! Your daughter needs to be shown what to expect from a man...and it's not being treated like that!! I KNOW it can be exhausting dealing with a man that is so up and down!!!!!!!!!!!! i think it is actually harder than dealing with someone that is an jerk all the time because that way at least you know what to expect.

Let me guess.....his highs are high and the lows are low. Specifically, when something is going on that directly benefits him or things happen to being going good he is great. But the minute you want to do something that doesn't involve him or Lord forbid requires a little effort from him he is miserable to be around. I can say I'm familiar with that! I am so sorry and i know it's exhausting mentally!!!!! You baby SHOULD be your priority and any idiot should know that. You REALLY need to see a therapist!! And Pray!
M.

I agree with alot of the other girls on here. I have a husband that acts like he has bipolar. It's not your fault. You're the mom, we are all our kids have. I would definetly say get help quick. If he starts getting jealous of your daughter in one of these rages, he may unintentionally hurt her just because he's in a rage.

I dont knwo what to tell you about his attitude, but i must say that i comend you for putting your child first, i would have to tell you you werent a good or great mom if you put him before a sick child. You dont have control over that there is nothing that you can do about that.

He could be bi polar he could just have depression.
Only a doctor will be able to tell you what it is, and only if he goes in.
But being the wife of an over the road truck driver I know how things go that the little bit of time they are home they want you to do everything with them.
My husband was home for a 4-5 days and I had to work a couple days he understood but he wasn't happy about it.
But he has learned how to find things around the house to do or he will go visit my mom and help her around the house or go with her to the store and it keeps him busy until I get home.

I would suggest you try to get him involved in her care ask him to do little things to help you or to come sit with you while you soothe her. It may be that he feels guilty not only about being gone all week but that your daughter is reaching out for you and not him. If he is gone all week then he will have some guilt about not being home even though he knows and you know what he is doing is for the family.
My husband has a lot of guilt because he is not home for all of our children's little things at school, etc.

Be sure you tell him how much you appericate what he does and he shouldn't feel guilty about being gone. Maybe if he is the type of person who will listen( know how stubborn some men are) you can tell him about a friend or somebody you know online whos husband has some of the same mood swings and needed something to deal with them.

Good luck and if you ever need to talk feel free to email me.

____@____.com

Honey, your baby should always come first and he should feel the same way. I lived with a bipolar husband for years. I went on meds so I could put up with him. I used to joke that I should quit taking my meds and just drop them in his coffee every morning. Well, guess what, he was diagnosed with bipolar, seasonal affective disorder and eventually borderline schitzophrenia. I left. Get help as soon as possible. Suggest he see the dr and maybe counseling together or seperatley. Within 6 months of our seperation, I was off all of my meds, there was nothing wrong with me. He still refuses to acknowledge his disorders and is a wreck that no woman in her right mind would want. Please do not let his insecurities control you. Maintain that you are an independent woman with friends and family of your own. Mine tried so hard to alienate me from everyone but him, and it worked. I woke up one morning and was ready to be the woman that I had lost, dont be that person, keep yourself!!!

Good Luck and If you have anything you would like to ask, feel free!