Husband Wants to Change Jobs, Wife Worries About Stability

What's the harm in sending out resumes? You never know what opportunities may come along. Once there's a solid offer on the table, you can sit down and discuss the pros and cons and decide what is best for the both of you.

I know 7 months doesn't seem like a long time, but when you're in a bad situation, it can seem like an eternity.

I really do understand where you're coming from, really I do. But millions of people right now don't have insurance, don't have a stable income, are at risk of losing their homes and possessions, have decided to go back to school regardless of how insecure life is, etc......they're making it work even on 1 income or none but financial aid and other sources of temporary income.

Life isn't secure and stable. Life is messy. What would you do if hubby came home Monday and said he'd been fired? What would you do then? You'd make do and support him in finding a new job.

It truly sounds like he's miserable. If he's that unhappy at work he might just bolt, move on and leave you to deal, he might just flat out cause so many problems he'd get fired, maybe even have a mental breakdown and end up in a mental health program somewhere for workers who broke.

Had a friend who did this. Successful engineer with a very good income, just couldn't handle the stress on a new project. Couldn't get off this project even though he tried. Ended up having a total break down. He was in the hospital for weeks. He came out a shell of the man he had been. He could no longer drive, couldn't work at any job, and started drawing disability. His wife had to quit her job to stay home and care for him for several years. He couldn't even decide to fix a meal when he was hungry.

To this day she wishes she'd listened to him when he said he couldn't do this project, that is was too harmful and he couldn't cope with what it was going to do to the world, he just broke and every day she wishes she just had her husband back.

I didn't meet him until he came home from the hospital. I married my hubby about that same time. I meet this gentle man who couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag and was astonished at the stories of how he'd been before. He can drive now but has never held a calling in church, never been able to work and provide for his family, and he's not the same.

I think you should support your husband and get over this obsession with stability. Life isn't stable and your need for it is a goal but not the end game. If you lose that security for a while you'll make it work, you will do okay.

You are putting the cart before the horse. Why not send out resumes? He hasn't even gotten to the point of being called for an interview and you are worrying about not having insurance. It doesn't cost you anything to support his looking for another job that will make him happier.

I supported my husband and I with a job I hated while he was in school. However, while he was in school, I also looked for other job options. I didn't leave my job until I had another secured, which ironically, I started on the day after he graduated. We didn't even go to his graduation as we were packing to move so I could start my new job. I understand the sucking it up part, I really do.
However, at the same time, I understand where he is coming from. I think as long as he can get a job that makes him happier, and it brings in an income, then you should be supportive. Being stuck in a job you absolutely hate can take a toll on a person.
When my husband and I married, neither of us had health insurance. My husband relied on the university infirmary. I relied on Planned Parenthood or an urgent care in really desperate times. After we moved, my husband worked temp jobs until he could get a jump start on his career (which he finally did). Talk about instability!
I think you both can make this work. If you put your foot down, he might really resent you, esp if he misses a better opportunity because of it. Marriage is about compromise and being supportive of each other. I think that as long as you can both recognize that you are both in a period of transition (and accept that), then it will settle out in your mind a lot better. This is not the end-all, be-all. Just get through the next 7 mos, and your horizons will broaden. Just focus on school and trust him to handle the other (for now).
Good luck!

You're trying to get "on board" with his decision. I see that from your SWH. But your husband is sending off big ringing warning bells in my head with your last sentence. The question I have is WHY does he think that he doesn't need to discuss life decisions with you? If he really thinks that you should have no say at all, then he is treating you like a child.

I have a friend whose husband accepted a new job while she was in the hospital after delivering premature twins. She walked into the house with these two tiny babies after several weeks of staying in the NICU with them, and he announced they were moving in a few weeks. He offered no apologies, didn't care that she had just gone through major surgery, didn't care that she had a toddler running around. DID NOT CARE. It was the worst upheaval of her life. He didn't lift a finger. He decided that his choice with his career was the most important thing in his life and he continued that attitude for the rest of their miserable marriage. Yes, they are divorced today and they stayed married for much too long.

If I were you, I would ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. At the very least, the counselor would help you talk to him in a way that you would feel HEARD. And maybe he would start to realize that he is in the wrong for acting like he shouldn't have to listen. You should NOT feel bullied into submission or bullied into silence by your life partner, SL. That's what he is trying to do here.

If your husband is so clearly unhappy... so miserable... then why would you be uncomfortable with him cleaning up his resume and applying for new jobs in a career that he might be happier in? Sure, you could ask him to suck it up and wait until you you you you you are set in your career but honestly there aren't any guarantees for you with your education or your career or your job hunting. Whether you admit it or not your life once you finish school will be full of uncertainty and you're not guaranteed a job in the field of your choice.

And if your husband is so miserable, you can bet that his coworkers and boss can see it too. A happy employee is a productive employee. If he's not happy, then he's not productive. It will affect his attitude at work. If he's not productive enough, he could be fired at his boss' discretion rather than at your husband's leisure of choosing when to leave.

Think about that. This isn't about you. It's about your family.

I don't see the harm in sending out resumes and job searching. If he gets an offer, then you guys can make the decision if the new job makes sense. Obviously being able to cover your bills and having health insurance for the family is a top priority and if the new position does not meet that criteria then he should probably stay put.

I think you need to think about this: what if he wasn't or isn't even there at all? What would you do then? I read a lot of wonderful responses but the truth is anything can happen at any time and the reality is if he is miserable he could either lose his job through errors, lack of judgement, or attitude and/or he could walk away. I think sometimes we have to really let go and in this case it might be in your best interest to do so. As one mother put it, is it really a horrible thing to let him feel upbeat, positive and optimistic about his own future? There are also two other questions I have here: is this really only one go round for your job future? and it will never happen again? or is it your timeline? And what sort of discussions did you have when you changed the insurance? ok, that was more than two.At any rate, I didn't check but I am probably older than you and not necessarily wiser, but I have found in life there are other go rounds, (mom got her degree in her seventies), there are other versions of insurance and if you have a nice guy out there maybe you and he need to have another chat because he is loudly and clearly telling you how unhappy he is.

Since you guys don't have children yet, I say support him on what he wants to do. Just don't get pregnant ;). He is miserable, 7 months isn't long when you aren't the miserable one. Lack of insurance for a little bit isn't going to be the worst thing that ever happened. Just go to urgent care for meds if you get sick, walgreens has flu shots for $25 or so, you can make that work. Maybe even look into some catastrophic coverage that won't cover doctor visits but will cover an emergency hospital visit. I think you just tell him 'Babe, I am concerned about us not having insurance, but if it's what you need, I support you' or something like that. Now him making the decision to just up and change jobs without talking first, I don't agree with. I do think you are right that big things like that must be talked about first. You both depend on eachother, making life changes that affect your spouse need to be talked through. So after telling him that i supported his decision I'd be wanting to talk about that issue as well. I really think that you all can come up with a life plan that is acceptable and makes everyone's quality of life ok. Even though school really matters, your husband matters more, just let him know that, and I think that will be a perfect platform to bring up your true concerns. Good luck!

I completely understand your point and the need for stability. However, I am sure that 7 months might really seem overwhelming for him when he is that miserable. It might be worth it for him to start laying groundwork for a new job now and start his search. There is nothing that says that he will actually get a job offer immediately...it might take time anyway to find the right position. Once he does get a job offer, then you have to start weighing the pros and cons. I would encourage his job search to allow him to have hope for things to change in the future. It is truly horrid to feel like you are stuck somewhere that you are absolutely miserable.

There is nothing worse than having to get up every day and go to a place you hate to be.

Sending out resumes is a good idea he might find a better job with better insurance or he might be happier and less stressed. How secure is you life going to be is he is stressed and his health suffers because of stress?

It doesn't even sound like you asked him does the new job come with insurance. I have never had a job that didn't, you just go from one plan to the other, it isn't considered a gap in insurance at all.

Maybe it is just me but I would never force my husband to keep a job that was that hard on him.

Just make sure he has the insurance figured out and wish him luck.

To me, taking a job with little career advancement opportunity should be a non issue if he only needs to hang on for seven more months until you are done with school. But the one thing I would put my foot down on is if he takes a new job he needs to make sure you get insurance right away - not waiting to "qualify". It can be negotiated.

I think he was telling you every day in one way or another. He might not have come right out and said it but I don't think his decision was abrupt in any sense if you had to beg him to buckle down until you decided he could look again. I think an abrupt decision would be to just quit and worry about the consequences later.

He just wants to look around at his options-nothing set in stone and I guess if he gets an actual offer-that would be his time to talk to you.

And regarding insurance-are you not a believer in the now open Obama care option?

What if you decided to go another way in your schooling/career and he said no-you are almost done-just stick it out to do something you hate for the rest of your life? Would you disregard your feelings just because he disagreed?