I Am So Upset!!!! - Flushing,NY

It's a whole year away!!! Breathe!!! A lot can happen in a year. There's moms on here all the time saying their in-laws want nothing to do with their kids and you are feeling suffocated by them. If you feel you are spending too much time with them, take a weekend meal off. Let hubby and daughter go--you have "you" time.

girlfriend. Breathe.

You're husband hasn't cut his apron strings yet. You've not noticed that yet?

You and your husband need to discuss boundaries and family time. Your expectations and his expectations.

I hope you're exaggerating about having meals with them EVERY weekend. I would love to have family close, but I also need my space. Even from MY family.

She asked. You said YES you wanted to go back. Your husband didn't say no. Boundaries are needed. You two need to learn to communicate!!

Good luck!

No biggie. It's a year from now. Just keep your mouth shut about the dates of when you, hubby and kid will be there and they won't know any better.

You need to have a frank discussion with your husband. Tell him you are getting a little bitter (or ALOT) about seeing his family every week and you want to make sure that he understands that you feel like this Lodge is now "your" vacation spot and you want to start a tradition of going there every summer, just the 3 of you. Make sure he is on board with this BEFORE next summer when your MIL starts talking about this again. That way, when it comes up, HE can say, well mom, we decided to just make this an annual trip for the 3 of us. And leave it at that.

In the mean time, RELAX and calm down. This is fixable. Just keep your mouth shut about stuff like this and get your husband to back you up. And take the opportunity to maybe see them every other week or the first weekend of the month so you don't start to get even MORE resentful then you already are. Good luck.

I do think you are over-reacting, mostly because when you asked your husband he said no, they won't really come next year. When it's time to let his mom know that he lied and they are not really invited - he gets to handle that 100% on his own. He made that drama and he gets to deal with it.

Now, if he changes his mind when you start planning the vacation and includes them (which means that he lied to you), THEN you should be upset. Not with your MIL, but with your husband.

You have to talk to your husband about your desire to have more "just the three of you" time.

I really think it's important for you to talk about it in those terms. Your feelings are very valid. It's not that you can't stand his family and never want to spend time with them. It's more that you could probably benefit from a little less time with them and a little more time with your husband and daughter.

Consider the possibility that he's less than sympathetic because he hears you saying you don't want to spend time with or don't like his parents.

I understand that spending so much time with them is draining to you. It might help to know that some people simply cannot relate to those feelings if they are "the more the merrier" type. I was very much that type before I had kids. I prefer more of a balance now, and that's not always easy.

Talk to him again. Just rethink your approach.

Well I think this would not be that big of a deal of there wasn't an underlying issue that you already feel suffocated by MIL. Meaning you could brush it off and later on your husband could just say no or wrangle out of it.

Time to scale back and draw some boundaries .,,,think baby steps. If you literally see them all weekend make 1 weekend day exclusive to your nuclear family. You have to get your DH on board. Deal with the weekly suffocating and put the VK on the back burner you can deal with that later.

No big family meeting needed he just needs to say "no we have other plans"

while i'd be annoyed that my husband agreed to something he doesn't actually plan on following through with (that's pretty blatant dishonesty, something i don't hold with at all), i'm not sure why your knickers are so twisted over it. i mean, he's made it clear to you that you're not going to have to deal with it, right?

or does he lie to you as easily as he does to his mother?

i'm a hermit, and have quit doing the Big Family Vacations altogether and am glad of it. but when the boys were small we did do some, with both sets of families. for me it was a small price to pay to foster a close, warm relationship between my kids and their extended families. and i'm glad we had families who wanted to do it. and even though i found it stressful, i managed to have fun also.

now, maybe your anxiety is of a much higher degree and it's really something you just can't do. no fault of yours. but there are much calmer, quieter, happier ways of handling it that being livid and so upset and suffocated and torqued.

you've got a MIL who cares enough about you all to want to spend time with you. doesn't mean you have to accede to every request, but you could at least be gracious about it, and find honest non-hurtful ways of including her into your family without 'suffocating.' having a meal with them every week is terrific. good for you!

you get to pick the degree of your involvement. if family is important enough for you to endure some discomfort, you can all go to Great Wolf and then scatter. even on family vacations where we were all packed into close quarters we made it very clear that we would spend some time- sometimes most of the day- with just us and our kids. but it was nice to have a daily planned activity or a meal with the rest of the bunch. or for the cousins to all go do something with one set of parents while the others enjoyed some kid-free time. or dump all the kids on grandma and grandpa and all the parents enjoy cocktail hour. there are endless configurations to make it do-able.

if even that degree of closeness is unbearable, then you set your boundaries courteously, kindly and clearly. 'we love you very much and are so glad we all love to spend time together. we want this vacation to be a close bonding time for just us and the kids so we're not going to include anyone else this time around. but the carnival will be in town next month- can we plan to spend the afternoon and evening there?'

and while i myself would have issues with a husband who came out that glibly with a lie, i think you should let him somewhat off the hook, as he's caught in a tough place between his mom, who is his mom and presumably much loved by him, and his wife whose anxiety issues make it hard for him to keep both beloved parties happy. you can make it easier for him by not coming unglued at his coping techniques, which are clumsy at best. but instead of just being furious with him, help him create a solution that works.
khairete
S.

This isn't actually about your in-laws. I realize it seems like it is to you, but it's really not. It's about you needing a little more time as a family (of 3) and not quite as much time with the extended family. Right now you are feeling suffocated by them and need a little less time with them. You might be amazed how much better you would feel with just one less day a week or one less weekend a month.

The way your post reads, you spend every weekend with your in-laws and are able to spend 1 weekend a year with just the 3 of you. That actually is insane. Your family deserves more than 1 weekend a year. If you felt like the 3 of you had enough down time and enough quality time together, and if you didn't feel suffocated by your in-laws, I doubt this weekend would bother you at all.

Quality time, just the 3 of you, is a necessity. Work to make that a priority, and I think you will feel much better.

Can you just bask in the glow of this last best vacation for awhile?
Next year is so far away.
Give yourself 6 to 9 months to not think about it.
Seeing your inlaws every weekend has just got to stop.
Cut it down to once per month.
Start making other plans with your immediate family and don't tell anybody else until after the fact.

I'm sure you must realize it is your husband you should be talking to. I know it's hard because he's probably thinking, hey it's all family, right? So if you REALLY want special time for just the three of you then you need to tell him that. Plan something else and do THAT, just the three of you. Don't tell your in laws about it and make sure your husband knows that this is a separate, special trip, almost like a honeymoon for your own little family. I hope he respects you enough to get that.

Don't stress. You're talking about next year, a whole 365 days/52 weeks away, and letting it eat away at you.

It wasn't a mistake to let your daughter show her grandmother her treasures from the trip. Your daughter shouldn't have to, or learn to, hide things from her grandmother.

Your husband is probably thinking "sure, it's next year, what am I going to say, no, you can't come next year?" He didn't make reservations, he didn't whip out his calendar and write the vacation down in permanent ink. He just was probably thinking, summer 2017 is pretty far away and who knows, Great Wolf Lodge might be bankrupt, or you guys might win a trip to Ireland, or something could come up that might mean a change of plans. It's very common to just say "let's get together" and it doesn't mean next Tuesday at 9, it's just expressing a hope.

Just mention to your husband, in a very calm way, how much you enjoyed "just the three of us" getting away, how it made you feel relaxed, how your daughter enjoyed having her mommy and daddy to play with and relax with, and when next spring rolls around, ask your husband for another "just us three" get-away. Tell your husband that you appreciate his family, but remind him that it's also important to enjoy husband/wife/child time, without making it seem like you're complaining about them.

Don't use the words "inserted". You don't actually have a vacation planned. If we were talking about next week, and you had reservations at a lodge and your MIL called the lodge and booked rooms for a whole bunch of relatives during the same week in the rooms right next to yours, and made dinner reservations for all of you, and bought tickets to an expensive show for everyone that are non-refundable, well, that's "inserting". She just expressed enthusiasm.

Relax!

Seems like female thing vs male. Your husband is so not worried about a year from now and wants to keep his mother quiet. You're getting worked up and he can't see why bc it's a year from now. Who knows what will happen. Let it go. Worry about it in 10 months. I can see him not wanting to tell his mother right then "no". So silly to take any plans like that as gospel now so he didn't bother getting into it with her.

You said you were so shocked, that you didn't say anything. Well, now you know that being "shocked" doesn't help. You have to be assertive.

As far as this is concerned, you need to just say point-blank to your husband that you will not go if he allows them to assert themselves into your vacation life. Then leave it alone. A year is a long time. If you stew over it all year, you'll just make yourself more miserable than you already are.

Your husband has a different way of looking at family. A lot of people look at it like he does - the more the merrier. It's not like he's all that unusual. However, YOU don't feel that way. And you have a right to feel the way you do.

I hope you're seeing a doctor for your anxiety. You really need to. Life's too short to be a wreck outside of a "comfort zone".

You married a man who loves his parents and wants to be with them a lot. More than you would like to be with them. I, too, married that kind of man. My husband called his parents every single day...every day! Good enough, but they would also come and stay with us for weeks at a time, and frequently, my husband kept me in the dark about when they were coming and when they were leaving. My husband grew up with extended family living with him and his mother/father...an ancient aunt, a grandmother, another aunt...so having family there 24/7 to him is normal.

You need to, as I finally did set some boundaries with your husband: I need you to talk to me before you make plans with your parents. We can have dinner with your parents x number of times a month, but the rest of the time I want to be for us. And, do it calmly and quietly, without anger or reproaches.

In short, you need to assert yourself with your husband in a clear and defined way....not with emotions or tears, but with a clear set of guidelines about when and how often you spend time with his family.

I guess I'm different from most people here. And I'm thankful my husband is supportive. I grew up in a military family and so all we had was my siblings (I'm one of 5) and my parents. We are all still really close - minus my older sister who recently lost her marbles.

My parents do come over most weekends. When I say I want a weekend just to have our family and relax, my husband still wants my parents to come over. They are so comfortable in our house and it's easy. We have a meal (sometimes formal at the table, sometimes eating on the floor in the living room, sometimes tons of appetizers and people just pick), watch football (in the season), or play a board game. Last weekend we actually made salsa and taco seasoning! It hasn't always been like this, it isn't always easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world. And I am SO thankful my husband supports the relationship I have with my family. It's not about cutting apron strings or being on my own, it's about the relationship my kids have with my family. One day these people won't be around and I am beyond thankful that we are getting all of this time now. We do vacation with my parents as well - we have done local weekend getaways, weeks at the beach, and most recently an amazing week in the mountains. My husband has loved all of them as much as I have.

BUT!!! If you don't want that in your life, then first of all relax. Be honest with your in-laws about wanting the family time for you three. Be honest with your husband about needing more time away from them. Have the hard conversations.

Either way is fine. Some people do the Sunday family dinner thing and some people think it's crazy. Do what works for you - but don't let something a year away make you crazy or fight with your husband. Plans can always change.

It's good that you can admit your mistake in even sharing all of this with your mother-in-law - she saw your excitement and happiness, and immediately wanted to join. MAYBE she took your desire to share as an obvious invitation since you already do everything together with her anyway.

Your husband has to make good on his promise to not let them come. You have to stop talking to her about your plans and just be non-committal about everything. You can say, "You know, we learned that we enjoyed doing something different. So we may do something different still for next year. We're just not ready to decide." That's all YOU say. Your husband does the rest, saying (without you there), "No, we're not doing it with you."

But he also needs to establish distance throughout the year. I don't know why you would be shocked at her actions after all this time and after all this anger and frustration you have with the whole family. It's so typical of them, from what you have said. But again, your problem is your husband, who will not say "no" to his parents on a average weekend or for every third cousin's birthday. HE is your problem. And he's the one saying that you are overreacting. Please, stop focusing on your MIL and look at where your problem lies.

She asked YOU if you wanted to go back - she did not insert herself into your plans. You should have just said no. If you are livid, it should be at yourself.

My MIL makes assumptions and throws them out there, and my husband does the avoidance thing. He hopes she'll forget. She hasn't yet (20 years).

I'd get him to nip it in the bud (read through some of your previous question titles).

Boundaries. Saying no. And you support your husband. We had to go to counseling for this.

ETA: I am assuming your husband doesn't want them to go (and doesn't want to do all this visiting) but has trouble saying no. Just from how upset you are.

If that's not the case - that's a different problem. Then you just need to let him handle this and make sure you have more family time for yourselves, if that's your main concern. Gidget has good suggestions.

I think you are blowing this way out of proportion to be honest. First off, it was not rude of your MIL to suggest family plans for a vacation the next year, she was not inserting herself into your family vacation, she was suggesting a family vacation that included more family. You need to remember that this is his mother, he loves her just as much as you love your mother, and having a good relationship with his mother is not a bad thing in any way. And your husband was not in the wrong for saying it sounded like a good idea, I am sure to him it did sound like a good idea because he likes his family and likes spending time with them, I am sure it never really occurred to him you would throw a fit about it. Now that said, since you clearly don't want them to go it is good you said something to him about it, and it sounds like he is prepared to tell them no about the trip since you don't like the idea, which is kind of him. I really think you are working yourself up over nothing, and are being a little insensitive to the fact that he loves his mother and enjoys spending time with her and his brother. Remember, one day you will be the MIL.

Sounds like it is a year away. You have time to think of a way out and put the burden on your husband. Don't worry too much about it.

I have no advice. But I totally get where you are coming from. I could have written a very similar question. Like someone else said, a year is a long time. Cross your fingers and hope things change before next year.

I am not in your shoes and don't have overbearing in laws. But you are upset Sounds like mostly at your husband for not speaks no up and probably allowing them to always be a part of your lives. The trip is not even planned it's a year away and may not even happen. I think there is an underlying here which is we spend more than enough time with them and why doesn't my husband speak up. .
I maybe wrong but to be upset about a trip that's not even planned and a year out , (things change, she may forget or you can say we've decided to not go etc etc). But honestly I'd be more upset that they are around more than it sounds you'd like. On the flip side your husband probably enjoys having family close. I wish my parents were close but I could not handle thrn all the time. I like my life, my space. We have my Mil over on Sunday's when we are home. We try to make it a routine or special occasions etc. there maybe thst one time I want the Sunday to myself etc. but once a week is plenty for me. I think u should sit down and speak to your husbsnd openly about this abd come to a compromise.

Updated

I am not in your shoes and don't have overbearing in laws. But you are upset Sounds like mostly at your husband for not speaking up and probably allowing them to always be a part of your lives more than u wish. The trip is not even planned it's a year away and may not even happen. I think there is an underlying issue here which is we spend more than enough time with them and why doesn't my husband speak up. .
I maybe wrong but to be upset about a trip that's not even planned and a year out , (things change, she may forget or you can say we've decided to not go etc etc). But honestly I'd be more upset that they are around more than it sounds you'd like. On the flip side your husband probably enjoys having family close. I wish my parents were close but I could not handle thrn all the time. I like my life, my space. We have my Mil over on Sunday's when we are home. We try to make it a routine or special occasions etc. there maybe that one time I want the Sunday to myself etc. but once a week is plenty for me. I think u should sit down and speak to your husbsnd openly about this and come to a compromise.

You're jumping ahead of yourself. Cross that bridge when you get there. He probably told her that now just for the sake of telling her, and not causing an argument. It does not mean that come next year, he will go out of his way to call her and make sure she knows to pack her bag and come along. He is probably hoping she will forget by then, and let's face it, most people DO forget unless they calendar the date specifically. I can't even keep track of time, I cannot believe a year has passed when it comes time to my annual physical...it just creeps up on me, and I hear the older you are, the faster time goes, and the more you lose track of it. Also notice he said to his mother "you SHOULD come", not "you must come" or "I will make sure you do join us." Your line "I then approached my husband afterwards and he said that I shouldn't worry and that he would never allow his family to come with us." says it all. He is saying he won't allow it, and it will be just you, him and your daughter. So, why are you still upset?

Ugh...I do get what you are saying. I come from a very broken upbringing so I am very independent. I find my MIL stifling and overbearing. This is something that my MIL would do and think that it was great. We did a few vacations like this years ago. My in-laws actually did pay for a lot although we did not ask or expect them to. My MIL is the type that wants to be on vacation and spend every minute together. One year, I told my DH that I wanted to stay in a different hotel than them and she threw a fit and guilted us into staying with them. Sometimes you just want to get away from your normal life and this would be impossible with a joint vacation. I would just tell my DH that no, this was NOT happening.

I don't travel in groups. We tried it once with my family and it was not fun, so my husband and I decided Never Again. You have to speak up and let your choice be known.

"Group vacations stress me out, so we're not going to do that." and the key is this - I don't care what other people think or if they are peeved. I'm not going to do it.

I wouldn't let this linger longer than you have to. Bring it up at that next weekend dinner, that you're not into it so it won't be happening. The weekend after that, make plans with your household that does not include the in-laws. Start spacing out when you're available to see them until you have a healthier boundary.

I totally get it!!! My mother-in-law was around us too much for a few years. Everyday. Because of her health issues, we don't see her as much now. Maybe once a week. I feel bad, but I'm happier not seeing her everyday because she is a negative person.

We rarely go on family vacations either, so I can see why you don't want them coming along. It sounds like she is offering to pay for the vacation since she asked the question. That's my interpretation. I think she thinks, she's doing you a favor by offering this trip again. However, she doesn't want to be left out. She's not getting that you want a vacation alone, not with her. You probably should have replied, "yes, the three of us are planning to do that trip again together."

Once, my in-laws said they were going to rent a van and we could all drive to see her family in Texas. I thought what a stressful ride that would be. My FIL does not like to stop for bathroom breaks. He would make us all drive straight through. My youngest had a small bladder at the time. I told them we would need to make frequent stops for the bathroom, and once my MIL heard that, she got off the idea and we never heard about the trip again.

Your husband is not going to be the bad guy and tell her she can't come. It's not going to happen. Trust me, I have experience here. I don't blame your MIL for wanting to be part of the fun and the memories. I would want to be involved as a grandparent in something fun as well. However, she doesn't know that she's suffocating you all.

First, I would find out if she's paying for everybody. You could ask her if that's what she meant. Once she thinks she is responsible for paying for you all, she may back out. Find some way to make this vacation not appealing to her anymore, or tell her the truth- that you want alone time with your hubby and daughter.

If hubby can't fix this right away ... maybe you can arrange two separate vacas.... one with and one w/out family.... or you can tell his mom it is your special daughter, hubby vaca . Don't worry so much about having to tell her... it's about your daughter, hubby and you!! The memories you create with your daughter and hubby during your personal vacas will count for a lot more down the road than another ocassion with his family will.

I hope all works out well R.!!

I was in the same boat as you last year, I don't have anxiety though. We saw my parents and siblings every weekend, sometimes spending a couple of nights a week over my parents house. I couldn't take anymore. We never did anything just my husband, son, and I. My husband and I had a talk. We see my family once a month now. I'm happier, my son is happier, my husband and I are closer. My mom can be controlling, I needed the separation.

Talk to your husband. There's no reason why you guys have to see his family every weekend. It may hurt your mother in laws feelings but you, your husband and daughter are a family and need to focus on quality time just the 3 of you.

Does your mother in law understand your anxiety? When I met my husband we would leave the mall if there were too many people, he felt suffocated. Hes so much better now. He learned breathing techniques and kept putting himself in situations that made him uncomfortable for longer periods of time. But my family never understood it. They almost thought it was a joke.

A year is a long time away. You might not even be in in the same situation. I think that you should just chalk it up to them wanting to spend special time with their family, and your husband, kids, and even you, are their family.

I think your hubby was placating them and if he says he has no intention of doing this then you need to trust him.

If he wants to go on a family vacation with everyone then I think you could let him and the kids go. BUT he has to do a family vacation with you and the kids too. If his mom wants to do a family thing with them then she should pay for it too.

If hubby can't fix this right away ... maybe you can arrange two separate vacas.... one with and one w/out family.... or you can tell his mom it is your special daughter, hubby vaca . Don't worry so much about having to tell her... it's about your daughter, hubby and you!! The memories you create with your daughter and hubby during your personal vacas will count for a lot more down the road than another ocassion with his family will.

I hope all works out well R.!!