I Can't Take It - Possible Tmi

He should probably go see his doctor. He may have low testosterone. That would reduce his desire. Look up "Low T" and see what you find...

I'd ask him an extreme question - like "Well since you are unable and unwilling to give me the affection, physical intimacy and sex I need - do you mind me finding a man who can, knowing it would be sexual only?"

And see where that gets you.

Oh my gosh my dear, I feel so sorry for you. A lot of women I know would feel emotionally abandoned and would maybe have left their husband's by now. 5 years of absolutely nothing, not even a hug or kiss is very emotionally abusing.

Is he seriously depressed on top of the blood pressure issue? This total lack of affection and intimacy would be majorly alarming and I would think depression. I think if it were my husband, after 5 years, I would make an appointment with the Dr., FORCE him to go and sit in the room with them to be sure all was told. It could be low testosterone.. but even with many of those guys they will at least fake it some, but your husband isn't even doing a thing. I would ask the Dr for a referral to a good marriage counselor. I really think I would beg him to the point of tears. He needs to be aware of how much this is hurting you emotionally. Tell him that you feel like he doesn't want you, cherish you, need you, maybe even that he doesn't love you. Maybe his issue isn't medical, maybe it's mental. Was he molested as a child/teen, is he maybe attracted to men, does he have severe depression...?

Maybe to get him thinking, watch the movie Fireproof together and do teh "Love Dare".

Dr. Phil, in his book Relationship Rescue, said that, "sex isn't important... unless you aren't having it then it becomes a major issue". It would be good to read that book together.

Also, watch these two videos together, only 3 mins long a piece. It may help open his eyes on how to truly love one another and work through problems.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

I would suggest to start small. Rent some movies, Netflix them. Commit to cuddle on the couch, pop some popcorn and watch a short show every other night. Just for some comfort at least for you. Read The Relationship Rescue book together.

Even if he cant "do" it he should still be willing to please you in other ways. I dont know if i could live my life not being touched at all, not even pg stuff. Hes not being fair to you and he has to know to the extent of how unfair he is being.

Now i have a personal follow up question, how old are you guys? and one more personal one. Does he masturbate?

If he can get aroused and ejaculate on his own then it is certainly psychological, If he doesn't even touch himself then you are probably looking at a possibly both emotional and physical but definitely physical issues.

In either case you have to let him know that in order to for him to respect you, and love you he will seek help.

Mamma L. is right about the movie fire proof, my husband andI watch it, our entire church watched it, and we also did the Love dare it was great. I pray all gets better. Just support him and be patient, it may be something that has nothing to do with you. Hang in there. You didn't mention how old he is, that could be a factor. J.

I'm sure that the thought of sex goes through some kind of negative "filter for him. Some men really struggle with the thought of the girlie parts being both a fun thing and a place that produces life. In a way, they can seem to contradict each other. Sounds like he really is struggling and probably feels really pressured and a loser for not being able to satisfy you. Which in turns even MORE negative feelings. I really suggest seeing a therapist. If he is unwilling, go for yourself and see if maybe he will follow your lead. Maybe you guys could start off going separate. That away he would feel less threatened. It's a common place for a women but I would think its very hard for a man to be willing to admit to someone outside of the marriage that he uninterested in sex. I feel for both of you. I think you both are being cheated out of something special. That is a long time for things to go unresolved. Alot of resentment on both sides, I'm sure. Hope you can sort it all out together.
Best Regards,
C.

I don't have any advice for you but I can tell you I am going through the same exact thing. After my first son was born in 2009 we rarely had sex. 6m ago I got pregnant. The thing is the night I got pregnant was the first time we had sex in about 5-6m. We have not had sex since the night I got pregnant. My husband won't go to the dr or therapist either. It drives me nuts! I am at a loss as well. We are both 26. He says he just don't feel like it. He also withdrew from me, no touching, kissing etc. Best of luck to us both. I will be reading your answer to see if it can help me too!

Oh sweet lady, that's not too much information! You have sexual urges for your spouse. That is natural, normal and desirable even!

My first suggestion is to share your heart with him. You have *nothing* to be ashamed of. You love him, and you miss having the intimacy brought about through physical connection. That, my friend, is a very valid concern to have. Your needs are not being met, nor heard.

Speak to him gently. Talk to him about how much you love him, and how you wish to be close to him again. Invite him to share what is going on for him. Is he frightened? Embarrassed? Ashamed?

Create a safe space, and be ready to NOT take things personally. Emphasis how important this is for you and why. You should be able to tell your spouse what you need, and have them hear you out.

Offer other solutions, ways that you can feel met. One can receive and give pleasure in myriad ways ;-)

Five years...is a long time.

A long time, especially if you are not sharing other forms of affection and sensuality.

This, to me, speaks of something more than a medical condition. Even when we are not having intercourse with our partner, we can find other ways of connecting physically.

I wish you courage, love, and peace of mind.

ETA: To your husband: Please see a doctor! Our bodies are complex, and when we are experiencing these sorts of things, it is unfair on ourselves to be embarrassed or ashamed. There are ways that we can adjust and balance our bodies. Best to know what's going on.

Also, sex during pregnancy is very safe, unless the pregnancy is high risk and requires special treatment.

I don't have much personal experience with this, but I have seen Dr Laura Berman, a sex therapist, on Oprah and Dr. Oz several times. Perhaps try looking up info on her website, or write to her.http://www.drlauraberman.com/public/askdrberman.aspx

he is unhealthy. there might be some ED issue also. HE has to see a Doctor. or you will be a widow soon, heart disease is the leading cause of death, and hypertension is nothing to play with. He needs medication. he sounds as if he might not care.. You have to lay down the law, and tell him he either seeks medical attention, or your gone. it sounds harsh, and I know you probably dont want to leave, but if he doesnt get that taken care of soon, at his age, you and your kids will be alone. no joke. if he doesnt want to do it for himself, or for you, have him do it for your kids. im pretty sure he is unable to perform. Men cant go with out sex, its unatural for them, testosterone is a strong hormone, so he probably has issues and just doesnt want to get it taken care of, or thinks its his fault and nothing can be one. Schedule a Dr. appointment, if he wont go, trick him. its unhealthy, im surprised you havent stepped out on your marriage. (omg i cant believe she just said that,) but yes, just like if you stopped giving him some, he would have cheated, same for women, sex is important in a relationship.
Get him some help girl. first get that hypertension checked out, get him a full physical, and then work on that. good luck

I gave my now-ex an ultimatum "give up the dope or our marriage is over". In your case, the ultimatum is "you see both a medical doctor and a psychologist about this problem, or our marriage is over". He is NOT your best friend if he has ignored your needs for all these years. Unless you want your children to grow up thinking this is what marriage is like, you need to take action now.

Victoria D is right on. Have him go to a urologist and have his blood work tested along with his testerone levels. We are dealing with the same issues and my husbands testerone levels are so low they don't measure!! The medication can actually help lower his blood pressure, lose weight and feel like himself again. I got my husband back and I hope you do too!
Best of luck!!!

I vote for him mentioning it to his doctor. You said he won't go to the doctor to take care of it, yet he also says he just doesn't know what to do. I think a lot of men feel similarly, but if there's something they can do for him what's the harm? It's not as though he's admitting to being a terrible person by going to a professional (medical or otherwise); he's admitting that he's a good person trying to better himself and his relationships! I'm sure the stress of this stresses the dealings of the family, as well.
I have a friend, in her 50s now, whose sex life pretty much ended with the birth of their first child. They used to have a great and active sex life and it was uncovered (through therapy that her then husband declined to continue) that it was the act of seeing it that kept him from being able to really enjoy it or desire it anymore (which is also the reason he is awful to his oldest daughter). It was a sad state of affairs, but luckily this is not normally the case.
Good luck!

I have to say that you shouldn't listen to someone who says you should step out on your marriage or if it were reversed that he would. That simply isn't true. Not all men cheat and not all women do either even when not getting sex. A lot of men (and women) who cheat have a very active sex life at home.

That said I agree with those who say it is probably his testrone. My husband slowed way down to almost non existant around age 40. Depression and hormone levels can cause this, so can stress. With my husband it only lasted a couple years before things got back to normal. If there is nothing, no kissing, touching or any of that my guess is depression and stress. He should be getting a yearly physical as it is and you should mention it to his doctor when he goes in for an appointment.

I'm going through something similar right now, very similar. I've been doing a lot of reading on causes and how to change things. Of course it is harder when your partner is refusing to change or go to a Dr. or counselor. Mine won't go either. He did agree to read a book or two, but hasn't yet. I'm hoping soon. While the sex has been declining steadily over the last 3 years (been about 5 months now since the last time), we finally had a big "discussion" about it 4 weeks ago, and a few more highly emotional talks since then.

Anyways, the point is, I've already bought 5 books on the subject and can give you some recommendations if you would like. (Some of the books are very insightful, others much less so) One of the main things I've personally discovered in my relationship is that my BF and I actually spend TOO much time together. We've begun working on doing our own thing, our own hobbies, etc, more often, and while we haven't had sex yet still, I'm feeling better about the situation. We've been getting along better.

But that is just one of many reasons why these things happen. Some reasons are medical, but MANY are psychological, dating back to our childhoods or past relationships. I would HAPPY to talk with you privately about all of this as since it is fresh and hard for me right now also and it often helps to have someone going through the same things as you to talk to. Please feel free to message me any time. Or I can just send you the names of the books that I feel have helped me the most. Good luck! There is hope!

love dare/fireproof are good. They point to you need to change and can't expect your spouse to do the same. Love and Respect puts it this way, The one who is more mature should change. Since you are the only one you have control of you be the mature one and change yourself....The man's greatest need is to be shown respect. The women's greatest need is to feel loved. - I would guess that one way you feeled loved is physical touch (hugging, hand holding and all the way to sex). Maybe he feels loved and respected in different ways. For more on that look at Chapman's 5 Love Languages.

HMMM!! First of all I would like to encourage you to hang in there until you feel at peace at whatever you find is the problem. Be blessed.