I Feel like I Want to Run Away!

Wow, you sound totally overwhelmed!! I would start by maybe suggesting you look for a part time home daycare situation. Just to give the two of you some space. Two year olds can be worse than teenagers!! One thing that worked with my daughter (who was alot like this at 2 years old) was when I would "brief" her on what was going to be happening for the day. And telling her what behavior I expected of her. And what the consequences would be if she didn't comply. Some of the consequences were things like no tv, I would take her favorite sleep toy and put it in a time out instead of her (I would tell her "because you misbehaved, Muffy has to sit in a time out and you can't play with her until she's done") But just be prepared to follow through. But you also have to pick your battles- and say to yourself ok, is this really something we should fight over.

Welcome to parenthood!! Since your only communication with your 2 year old is yelling 3/4 of the time what do you expect? Any attention is better than none at all. You need to take a good look at yourself before you can help your daughter. Most children learn by watching at that age. I wish I could say your daughter is wrong here but I don't think she's the one to blame.

I have a 4 year old....She has always been a handful. Her big sister would sit in time out and took it very seriously. Emily....She could careless. She is very strong willed and time out became a game to her. I believe she thought, "I'll do this and all I have to do is sit down for a couple minutes. That's worth it." However, I did find something that bothers her. She has a huge caillou doll that she is really attached to. If she does something wrong, i will give her warnings (up to 2) each time she does it and tell her I am going to take Caillou. She straightens up (maybe not right away), because she knows that if she does not listen I will take the doll away for the day.
Whatever you decide is best for you and your child, just remember to follow through. Children are different and what might work for one, may not work for the other. Time outs work (have always worked) for my 6 year old. Taking away a toy works for my 4 year old.
Good luck, I know how you feel.

I would start taking things away from her. If he favorite thing to do is play with her baby doll, then next time she's bad, take that away. She obviously doesn't care if she's sitting in time out for a few minutes, so you have to do something that she cares about. My friend started something new with her child. He is almost 4 so it may not work, but she tells him he gets 10 pieces of candy a day (m&m, skittles) and takes out 10 in the morning. Every time he does something bad he'll get one taken away. Every day at 4pm he's allowed to eat what he has left. This also keeps him from asking for candy throughout the day because he knows at 4 he's getting his candy from doing good things. This age is very frustrating, I feel like it's even worse with girls, especially with their mothers. You'll just need to try lots of different things and see what keeps her from doing what she's doing. Good luck!

I definitely think you need some time away. Perhaps your daughter would benefit from some half days in a daycare or preschool. She would get a chance to socialize and learn how to interact with others respectfully. Additionally, you'd have some alone to time to do thing that make you happy. You can't be a good mom unless you're happy in general. Do whatever you need to do, and don't feel guilty about it. As much as I love my kids, I personally would feel psycho if I stayed at home full-time with them.

Dear J.,
I wish I could reach right throught the computer and give you a hug and tell you it is alright every Mom feels like this sometimes!

I read the advice you've been given and it is all good advice that worked with my now 5 year old daughter. When she was 2 I was pregnant with her little brother and I was losing my patients all the time, yelling, shouting, slamming things; in fact acting like a 2 year old myself. My mom reminded me that my daughter was just a little girl and to choose my battles. Whispering worked for me, as well as "toy time-out", pick-up and carry if you won't hold my hand (they actually don't want to be carried sometimes at this age), and immediate consequences for their choices; "are you making a good choice or a bad choice?" And always saying, "I love you, no matter how you behave or what you say to me". I read every Dr. Brazelton book I could find and it gave me wonderful tools and clearer understanding. But I am more worried about you!

I worry that you feel trapped! Maybe I am projecting but sometimes I felt/feel like my life is only kitchen duty, laundry duty, driving duty, referee, and disciplinarian. I had isolated myself in my home all day while my partner went to work. I needed a break, not much just an hour here or there. I joined a Mom's club and met other moms and could vent while my children tired themselves out for nap. I am now taking a night class for 1 hour once a week, something fun - ballroom dancing.

Please, please, please schedule one hour a week, just one, of "me time" for yourself (you can add more time when you see it can be done). You think you can't but you can; swap with another parent if you can't afford a sitter. Call on a trusted friend or parent or sibling. Go for a walk, go to the library, it doesn't have to cost any money. It will do you and your daughter a world of good. She needs time away from you just as much as you need time apart, remember "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

I believe in you, J.! You are strong and loving and you can develop the tools to enjoy your life and your daughter. Just make "me time", just do it!

J.,
This is a tough age and you have a lot of other stuff demanding your time, too. O. thing I learned (my son is 5 now) is that the more stressed out YOU get--the worse THEY get--so try to stay as calm as possible. It's like your stress feeds the prbolem and keeps the cycle going. Tap into those extra patience reserves. You're gonna need it.
That said, I believe this is an age when kids are using their behavior to BEG for their limits. Try to be consistent as to what she is and is not allowed to do. Also, pick your battles a bit. Let some little, unimportant things go. You can always scoop up a protesting child and CARRY her across the street. I remember O. low point when I could not get my son to leave a bookstore where he was playing and I had to heave him up on my shoulder and DRAG him screaming and licking stuff over all the way through the store. Sigh. This stuff is going to happen. Be firm.
Also, at about that age, I started a "reward chart". I made a chart with about 20-25 blocks and every day my son had acceptible behavior, he got a sticker on O. block, when he filled it up--he got to choose a small toy or outing. It worked, I think, because he had the power to fill it up quickly if he really wanted to. Good luck. Believe me..every mom fantasizes about running away. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar! LOL Hang in there.

Son with huge personality myself. Do two things: 1. Take time for yourself to relax and 2. have comfort in knowing that children who defy their parents are children who are comfortable with testing their limits and know that because you are doing an awesome job she is not afraid to show her independence this is typical two year behavior and three can be even tougher, but know also that most kids mellow out over time. Keep up with consistent limits and consquences and she will be just fine. Mine is actually starting to mellow out as my youngest begins the twos soon. so I feel you. Keep up the good work, if she was afraid of you she would not be testing you.

J.,
You are not alone. My 2 1/2 year old son does the same stuff. He thinks time-outs are funny, so we spend 45 minutes trying to get him to sit on the steps for 2 mintutes. He laughs hysterically the whole time as I set him down, he sits for 30 seconds and then flops on the floor or runs down the hall. I try to ignore the behavior and silently walk him back to the step, after the 30th time I am so irritated that I have to ask my husband to take over. Eventually we can get him to sit a full 2 minutes. If we tell him time-out, we stick it out because we are trying to be consistent.

Other times he will purposefully do something he knows he's not allowed to do, like slap his 5 month old sister on the top of her head (thank god she has a cranimum of steel, because it does not seem to phase her!) and then he will ask me to put him in a time out. I admit I do not know how to discipline him in these situations, so I just tell him "do not hit your sister, gentle touches" and show him how to gently touch his sister.

I have rare moments when I absolutely cannot deal with him, and I am grateful that my husband can tag team and take over. I think it's perfectly normal to feel such extreme frustration.

I am going to try to taking away toys and privileges, advised by another mom in response to your post. Hopefully that will be effective. I also regularly give him 2 options, but sometimes that doesn't eliminate his frustration. I watch Super Nanny, her techniques are pretty good.

Good luck - I hope we both can survive these "terrible two's."

R.

Hi J.

2 is such a tough age, they want control and they want boundaries at the same time and push and push to learn what they can do. My son went through some of the same behavior you are describing and I really had to concentrate on being consistent and not losing my cool. Screaming and yelling solved NOTHING. Think about things that aren't worth a fight, such as clothes or wether or not it's time to eat - fine you don't have to eat now but you can eat it when you're hungry no snacks until you've eaten lunch. If she finds time outs amusing, take toys away. Be consistent when she is doing something you don't want her to do - such as, if you throw the toy again, I will take it away for the rest of the day. Then, if she throws or whatever, follow through immediately. Just pick your consequence and tell her what it will be if she does whatever, and then follow through. Make sure it is something you are willing to do immediately though because you have to be consistent at home, at the store, or at the play ground. Tantrums at the store, leave the store put her in the car seat and go home. I think you did the right thing with holding her hand, she will learn that what you say goes. It just takes some time to teach them. Also, keep choices limited. Too many choices and they seem to go bersek wanting every option. Pink shirt or yellow shirt, strawberries or peaches? Or, pick up the puzzle pieces or I take them away. Put on your pajama before story time, or you go to bed without the story. Giving them a little control over which option will help her learn to pick the right option. But, don't give her 15 chances to make the right choice then she is in control.

Now, as for yourself. If you're losing control, take a time out yourself. Make sure she is safe then go into your room or the bathroom or onto the deck and take a few minutes to calm down. Maybe you could investigate some daycare options, Mom's Morning Out programs things like that, because it is sooo hard being a Mom all the time and not having a break. Is Dad involved? If so, you need some time away from the house without her. Dad needs to watch her and get her to bed while you go get your nails done, wander the mall, have a drink with a friend.

Good Luck to you both.

You have a lot of advice on how to handle your girl, I'm not looking to be redundant. I empathize; my two year old was off the hook at the supermarket because I didn't have time to do the whole shopping cart thing to get one item. She screamed the entire time. I think I'm deaf in one ear now. :-D

Firm. Consistent. Loving. Stick with that.

Kids are pretty perceptive, even at two. You sound pretty busy; grad student, part time job, full time mommy, looking for a full time job...that's a lot.

She wants you. She'll do anything to get time and attention from you -- including acting like a raving two year old. To a kid, sometimes "bad" attention is worth the trouble.

J.,

Just know you're not alone. I have a 2-year old who is actually turning 2 in a few weeks and the past few months have been VERY trying. She has found her independence. That's mostly what the behavior is about at this age. What works for me is ignoring the bad behavior and praising her when she behaves well without being asked/told. Now, if the bad behavior involves negative actions against me or anyone else, then we use the method of taking something away, a favorite toy, a favorite snack/treat, etc. I personally find at this age that "time out" doesn't work. My daughter doesn't understand what it means and she's obviously too young to sit and "think about what she did wrong." I find the more and logner I ignore the bad behavior, the less frequently it happens, and when it does happen now, it doesn't last long. Again, each situation needs to be handled case by case, but go with your gut. Oh, and as for friends, I don't have many in the area either. I went to meetup.com and found a great mom's group for working moms so I can have girls' nights out or do playgroups with my daughter and she's occupied while I can have some adult conversation. Good luck!

Hi J.,

I now exactly how you feel. But I hate to tell you that the 3's are worse. I have a 3 1/2 year old and twin 1 year old girls. Some days are crazy and I find myself screaming at my 3 year old all day long. I finally came to realize that she is a normal 3 year old and just a little girl herself. Time outs do not work in our house most of the time. She loses tv time and she hates that. She also doesn't get special treats such as dessert.

You need to make time for yourself. I usually make a girls night out once a month with all my friends. We go out to dinner and now that it is starting to get nice out our next one is going to be at a club of some sort! Maybe you can reconnect with your friends that way. I also started going for walks at night with my neighbor after the kids go to bed and I joined a gym that has a daycare for an hour. My daughter goes to preschool 3 days a week for 2 1/2 hours at a time. I enrolled her early because she needed to have interaction with other kids! You need to make sure you make lots of time for yourself. If I didn't, I would go crazy. Good Luck!

I didn't read through all of the responses, so I'm sorry if this is just more of the same, but don't worry. You are not alone. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 9 mo. old daughter. Some days are so trying, and when bedtime finally comes, I feel like celebrating and/or throwing things because I am so frustrated.
Now, that it is warming up, I really suggest going on walks (throw her in the stroller around nap time) and going to the park. I don't know if your daughter interacts much with other children, but I know that when my nephew (also 2 1/2) comes over, the kids have so much fun, that it is pretty much a mini vacation for me. The boys play together, and I get to have a break from being the sole enjoyment provider. I take my kids to the library for storytime, to Gymboree for playtime, and if its not nice outside, you can always take her to the Steamtown Mall (assuming you live in NEPA) to the food court. They have a nice play area (free) and you might even be able to get a little studying in.
Things that work for us:
1. The naughty chair is not facing the TV. No toys or drinks are allowed in the naughty chair and a timer is set for 2 minutes when he goes in there. I'm sure you've seen SuperNanny, I do that. On the occasion that he doesn't care if he has to go to the naughty chair, I say that he will have to go to his room. He really hates that.
2. If the bad behavior happens as a result of a toy (not listening because he's playing, fighting over a toy, using a toy in a wrong manner), the toy goes in time out. Some toys have gone in time out for 2 minutes, some forever. Some have to be earned back. That depends on how much I forsee that toy causing the same problem again and how his attitude has been that day. I've yet to throw anything away yet, but I'd be willing to.
3. If my son pitches a fit, I just ignore him. I walk away and tell him that when he's done crying, he can use his words to tell me what is wrong.
4. I always go to the supermarket with the little mini shopping carts and let him push his own and put groceries into it. It makes outings less stressful. When we go other places, like Walmart, I will point to things for him to hand me to keep him involved.
5. If we are out in public and he freaks out, I will NEVER give in. Sure, some people look at me strange (this has only happened twice), but if you give in then, they know you will give in again. I also leave as quickly as possible since being in the car is not fun for kids, it serves as punishment. If I can't leave, I will make a space in the store and turn it into the naughty chair. I know this sounds like a bit much, but if you do it a couple of times, you won't have to do it again. Your daughter will know you mean business.
You should also make sure that you and your daycare provider are on the same page.
And last but not least, find some mom friends that can help you out. Even just bringing their kids over to play can take a lot of stress away.
I know how hard it is to parent and work towards a graduate degree. You've got a lot on your plate. Remember to take at least 30 min a day to yourself. After your daughter goes to bed, just veg for 30 (or workout, shower, whatever relaxing you), don't clean, don't study. You need the time to decompress.
Best wishes!

I am so there!! Between school and work and being pregnant, and I just went on maternity leave, so to save money I took me almost 2 year old daughter out of day care until I have our new baby.

Oh the 'personality!'

I do put my daughter on time out when she is shreaking a squalling over not getting her way. She knows that when she calms down and says sorry, she is allowed to get up. So time out never lasts longer than a minute. This works for now, but I am sure it won't be long before she catches on and begins to put herself on time out as she already reprimands herself verbally for doing what she is not supposed to.

I think what has gotten me through the past week is a fresh perspective on advice that I often hear. I have been told my practically everyone that while they are going through these tantrum stages to 'ignore' them. I always interpreted that as ignore the child. Turns out that this means ignore the behavior not the child b/c ignoring the child will only serve to further infuriate them. I have found it to be quite effective to simply continue to interract with my daughter as though she is not throwing a tantrum, and to give her the words to use instead of screaming. she doens't alwyas get what she wants in the end, but if she stops and uses her words, she is more likely to get the desired results, and I think she knows that I understand what she is trying to say as I repeat it back to her.It also helps my sanity b/c, really, how do you ignore a screeching child?

Also it helps me to remind myself that I am not the only mother to be out in public with an uncooperative toddler, let people stare and make comments. They'll do it for one reason or another.

And the last thing I have found that does wonders is to just stop and give her positive attention. My undivided attention is what she wants to begin with. With so many things on my plate it is hard to find the time to devote to her that I should, and I am always trying to work her into hat I need to get done. Sometimes it is nice to just enjoy her personality and let the housework or an assignment go for a little while. I feel better b/c I have taken the time to enjoy her personality and she feels better b/c I gave the attention that she is craving. Does this mean that her behavior improves after our one on one time? Not really, but my attitude is better and refreshed towards her and I am not as likely to go nuts over the little things.

Good luck, they are so much fun and so much work.