I Feel like It's Coming...

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Ah Rach, she's just feelin' the stress of your getting married I think. Not that that's an excuse, but it IS a reason. Afterall, it IS still one of her children's milestones, isn't it?

:(

ask your mom if she is afraid of "losing you" to your MIL. This may be the case. Maybe she is a bit jealous and is looking for a good reason to help you be mad at her. But it's not working. Tell her that. Tell your mom you love her but you cannot continue to listen to this. Tell her it is making you mad at her. And tell her you love her. Maybe she'll stop then. Good luck sounds like you aren't having too much fun!!

You need to tell your mom not to make her issues YOUR issues. Tell her that you are old enough to observe what's going on around you and that you can decide whether you feel slighted or not.

She also has no right to express her feeling to your MIL, it's not an issue between them.

Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade and speak in plain English to the source!

Good luck!

Could it be stress from your wedding? I mean I know my mom was a wreck too when I got married...I think it was a combination of nerves, trying to get everything organized, deal with family, help me...PLUS her baby was getting married syndrome. Maybe she's just picked your MIL b/c she can and she has to do with wedding drama. I think you just need to stay firm with her and tell her enough complaining and you are stressed too. If she starts in on something politely tell her that you just can't talk about it any more and change the subject. The last month is the worst! It's very stressful and you just want it to be done already...and maybe mom is feeling some of that too! Good luck!

WOW your mom sounds like she is just trying to get under your skin. But it may be that she is a little jealous of your relationship with your MIL. So maybe you just need to tell your mom that you love her, she can never be replaced, she will always be your mom, but right now you are getting married and all the planning stuff can be really stressful so the best thing she could do for you is to let it go for now.

It sounds like your mom is 'trying' to prove that she cares more about you than your future MIL.

I'm not sure what you can say to her that won't come back to bite you any which way... i mean you could lie to her and tell her that you and MIL went out to lunch after both showers and you just didn't tell her (your mom).

I do agree that she'll probably do or say something at the wedding. My only thought is to hope that your MIL hosts a SUPERB rehearsal dinner that will shut your mom up.

M.

Sounds like your Mom's problems are her own and they should stay that way.
When ever she calls to vent, tell her you're sorry she feels this way but you do not feel the same way and let it go at that.
If you like your future MIL, you might want to warn her a bit about your Mom and ask her not to take it personally.

You'll be wasting your breath, but you could just tell your mom "I'm not trying to sound mean, but this is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is my wedding, and my bridal shower, and MY fiance's birthday. I'm not upset. And you shouldn't be either." You could even share MY story with your mom...tell her you have a "friend" whose mom was such a drama queen in the days leading up to her wedding, that your "friend" has bad feelings about the whole thing and wishes she had just eloped. And this is 12 years later, mind you. Maybe your mom will back off just long enough to get this wedding done up right. Choice B is start screening your calls and do not respond to emails. Argh.

Has your mother always been this divisive with relationships, female relationships, you have outside of her?

OK, thx for SWH....twas what I was expecting...your mom can be both divisive and a gossip, basically wanting to put down other people and relationships, as somehow inferior to her? Some how she is always better, and more thoughtful than so and so...

I'm sure this is a conversation you have had to listen to tons over the years. It will not change overnight with one perfectly timed come back. It will take a lot of practice on your part to re-direct her towards a healthy conversation. You can't hope it will go away. You will have to act. And what a bummer it is now, just a month away from being married.

I would recommend for right now, as little engagement as possible...simply start saying non-committal type of comments....OH, is that how you see it? Then find a good reason to end the conversation pronto. With time she'll find another target.

uh oh!
sounds like mom is struggling with the fact that your are close to your MIL.
probably the most loving and evolved way to handle it would be to give your mom extra love and attention.
but you've got a wedding to deal with, not to mention work and kids and a dog and an almost-husband.
so you may just have to tell mom to grow up and deal.
:P
khairete
S.

What Ashne says is true. But also, sometimes you have to distance yourself from toxic people, even if they are family (and sometimes especially if they are family). Family is not only biology, it is love/respect, etc. Do not sacrifice a healthy relationship with your MIL because of your bio-mom.

If you have the strength to do it, tell your mother that you are done with the complaining. You don't want to hear it. You love her, but you are getting married and you don't need to hear trash talk about your husband's mother. Be polite, but shut her down as soon as she starts. You're going to have to define or re-define your relationship with your mother in order to be happier, especially if you love your MIL and want to keep that relationship.

I have a "polite" relationship with my mother. I talk to her maybe 3-4 times per year, plus holidays. I like it that way. I talk to my MIL at least once a week. I talk to my older step-sister, who is my mom's age, at least 2x per week. My MIL and Sis are my mother substitutes because they ACT like moms.

We cut our parents slack a lot of times, because they ARE our parents, and that's ok. But there comes a point when the behavior we put up with from them when they act so inappropriately - behavior we would NEVER tolerate from a non-parent adult - needs to NOT be put up with any more.

Good luck with this. I know it's painful, but you need to do what's right for your NEW family (hubby and future kids).

I would just tell my mom to get over it. I would ask her why she's so unhappy in life in that she fills the void by nit picking other people all the time, and she is free to her thoughts but to please not disturb my peace with them.

By the way... I know quite a few mothers like this... (like mine).

Totally agree with Ashme.

Maybe you could let her read exactly what you wrote to us. This way she will be able to see for herself exactly what she has been doing to you stress wise and this way you wont have to say it straight to her face (that can sometimes be uncomfortable) but she will be hearing or reading in this case your true feelings
Good Luck (and try to remember that EVERYONE has wedding drama with family - I know I sure did =)