I Found Out My Husband Is Cheating

Updated on May 13, 2008
S.S. asks from Costa Mesa, CA
13 answers

I just found out that my husband of 5 years has been cheating on me for the last year. I am 8 months pregnant and feel totally depressed. I also have a 3 year old son. I am not sleeping and barely eating and feel as if my whole marriage is a lie. I am not sure what to do? Has anyone been in a similar situation? We just started couples therapy.

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D.F.

answers from Los Angeles on

the first thing to do is to take care of yourself and that baby you are carrying. (along with your toddler) If it is to stressful to be with him right now, take a break and try to figure things out when you are in a less vunerable position. It is very challenging to be in a relationship that is out of control. With my 3rd Pregnancy my marriage fell apart and I became very ill trying to fix things because I was not focusing on my own health. IT is not good for you or the baby to contantly argue. Advocate for yourself, set limits, stay in control and focus on the new life that is growing inside of u.

1 mom found this helpful
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I.T.

answers from Bakersfield on

Hi S.,

I think you have received some great advice. I personally don't know what you're going through and though I empathize, I know I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I agree with Wendie and others completely, when they tell you to go with your "gut instinct" only you know if you can forgive him enough to continue in your marriage. I definitely think you should try if you really want to try and save it- for you. Just make sure that your children aren't your only reason for staying because if is, you will most likely end up being miserable and alone often(he's a firefighter right?). Best wishes for you, your delivery, and your babies' health.
-I.

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M.D.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think I'm kind of in the minority on this one...For me, cheating is an unexcusable thing and would mean the end of my marriage. I also just don't believe that they won't do it again. I do agree, you need to take care of yourself the best you can and take care of your little boy...I'm sure he's wondering why mommy is so upset. I really feel that as parents, we need to give our kids a family that represents honesty and love and trust...a healthy relationship. If you can't give that, you're modeling a relationship for them that is broken. It's better to have two healthy parents living separately than living a lie...my heart goes out to you though...whatever you choose to do, it's completely your decision, but since so many people were writing in saying "stick to it", I sort of wanted to give you another opinion...

-M

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W.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

S., When I was 8 months pregnant with my now 5 year old son I found out his dad was cheating on me. It was one of the most devistating things I have ever been through in my life. Not only was he cheating, but I was preganant!!! I don't really have advice except go with your heart I did and we worked through it and have been married for 21/2 years and together for 61/2 years. We are happy now and it has taken me along time to get over it and the trust is still shaky. We love each other and as strange as it may sound we grew closer once we both came to an understanding with each others needs. I don't know your history to much and people say once a cheat always a cheat, but I believe people can change. It just is one of those gut instinct things for you. If your heart says work on it, try. However, if you feel inside that it won't change don't hurt yourself anymore. A year is along time to be deceitfull and it will take you years to get over it. Just try and not let your kids be the reason to stay. It will never work out and you will never be happy!!!
I wish you the best and I hope everything works out for you.
P.S. Don't take advice from someone who has never been in your shoes!!! They say it is easy to leave, but it's not especially when you have kids!!! Use your heart!!!
W. E.

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S.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

It's good you have started couples therapy.i pray that you and your husband will be able to get help there. It is so important with a little one and a baby on the way. They need their mother and father.i feel it's a good sign that he was willing to go for this help. Your children need their mother and father. There are too many marriages that break up and it is always hardest on the children.you also need to have a good marriage as models for them. I don't know anything about the couples therapy unless it is through your church. Don't give up. You will never forget the affair, but it is important to forgive and start fresh and of course have a promise that it will not happen again.

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A.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

If you didn't have kids I'd say kick him to the curb, but since kids are involved, things are a little more complicated. If he is willing to go to therapy and truly wants to work things out and stay in the marriage than that is the best thing you can do for your family. Divorce is very damaging to children so if there is a way to work through a situation like this than I whole heartedly suggest that you do. I know it is very difficult to forgive, but maybe not as difficult as a divorce would be for you and your children. My heart goes out to you.

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K.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi S.. I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I think couples therapy is a start. Just remember that the most important things right now are the baby you are carrying and your little boy. I haven't lived through this but have sat with several friends whom have. Time does heal. Get strong for you and the kids and the rest will fall into place. First find your feet again.

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L.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

I agree with the other response. First things first...take care of yourself (I know it's hard), but because you're pregnant, that should be reason enough. I am a survivor of 2 separate affairs with the same husband. Without making this a 3 page answer, I reacted differently both times. Please believe me, if I had not turned to God, I would not have made it. I believe I was on the verge of a break down with the 2nd affair. There is a class that is free of charge called, "Hope for my marriage", in Yorba Linda, through the Friends Church. This helped me considerably...it teaches YOU, so much and since you two are already in counseling maybe he might attend as well. Last thing I will say is just remember, if you loved him once, you can love him again and it's well worth the effort because of your family. Just remember, it won't happen overnight. If he truly wants to make things work, he will respect your hesitation and mistrust. Email me if you want more info. Take care and remember this is YOUR family.

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P.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

YOu need as much support right now as you can get. It may not be a good time to start couples therapy, as it can be very emotional and you may not need that right now. The priority is you and your children. Go to personal therapy and sort this out. Decide what you must do today to get through childbirth and find some peace. Find any support that you can...friends, church if you have it, family, and be willing to take some help for a while. You and your children didnt deserve this and you need to put the three of you first right now and make some decisions. You health (both mental and physical) is a priority right now, as your unborn baby is depending on you. God bless.

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V.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi S.,

My heart is breaking for you cause I know how you feel!! Your doing the right thing, going and getting counciling! Is this the first time his cheated!! Well, I am 44 and a mother of a 17 and 16 year old and have been married for 18 years!! Yes, we went through the same situation when my kids were small and "yes" the first thing I wanted to do is leave but it was not that simple!! It wasn't about me anymore, I had two kids to worry about!! My husband is a excellent father but surely "sucked" at being a husband!! We went to counciling and realized that we both had somethings to change, that we got pregnant too fast and didn't really get to know each other!! That marriage is a process of sacrifice, patience and understanding!! That if you truly love each other, things will fall into place with time!! I didn't like my husband for a long time, trust was a foreign word but we both matured and I can truly say, I will always love him but really like him now!! But it came with time!! I can understand if your husband cheated one time but if it's more then that, then there is defaintely a bigger problem and one that only you can figure out in your heart!! Most of the time we know as women (cause God gave us a great gift "instincts") if this is going to work for us or not, and whatever it is your instinct is telling you is usually the "right" answer!! This is also my second marriage, I divorced my first husband cause he cheated but he couldn't stop doing it and thank God I didn't have kids in that marriage!! If you need a friend, I'm at ____@____.com.....I say, try and work it out for your kids sake's but only you know the answer to that!! Good Luck.......S.
V.

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T.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Aww S. this sucks big time, I have never been in your shoes, and what a dirty dog he is.. you have to eat for this baby.. the baby did nothing wrong so the baby comes frist.. can you go stay with a frined your family for a while ... I would find out who the women is and slap a restraining order on her, I would sue her also she knew he was married... what a B.... better yet post a sign in the front yard telling all women beware I have a cheating husband..well he has karma for the next life doesnt he, chin up these babies love you and need you . Prepare for rough waters hon.

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D.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hello S.,
I am so sorry that you are going through this! I know how you feel, this happened to me as well. I was 6 months pregnant when I found out and our daughter was 2-1/2. It is not easy to make decisions regarding your marriage when you're pregnant with hormones raging, and then you're raging with anger, hurt and everything else that comes into play with adultery. I know it is hard to cope with the fact that your husband could do this to you, it is painful and it feels like you do not even know who he is.
You really need to put your marriage problems aside right now and focus on the remaining time left in your pregnancy. I know that it is hard to eat and sleep, but you have to for the baby's sake. Try to stay emotionally balanced for your son's sake. My daughter saw me crying all the time and she knew the pain I was going through was from her daddy. I left him when I found out, I could not stand to look at my husband. I wanted a divorce and I wanted him to "pay" for his mistake. My daughter and I stayed at my parent's until I had the baby, and then I moved into my own place soon after.
I had to put the problems with my marriage aside so I could focus on the pregnancy, I started with complications at 32 weeks and was put on complete bedrest.
If you need time to think things through, then take time. Do not feel like you are rushed into making any decisions right now. Also do not feel like you need to do what your friends say or what your family is telling you. You need to do what is right for you and your children, what ever you choose, your husband will have to live with it. Do not let him put any blame on you, you didn't make him go and sex with someone else.
I'm sure that you have asked your husband the why's and the how's, but keep asking him questions, what went wrong with his thinking and morals that he could do this to you and your family? Why were his needs / wants more important than your family's? How many times did it happen and was it only with one person? Asking these questions, will help you sort things. Like, if he was really sorry, why did it happen more than once? Did he tell you or did you find out? My husband got / gets tired of my asking questions, but his actions and behavior lead to this, not mine.
There is so much for me to say to you because this still so fresh in my life. As for me, we are still separated, but I am trying, it is very hard and I know it will continue to be hard. Be strong and pray for strength. Try to enjoy the little bit of time left in your pregnancy.
Please feel free to write me back, my address is ____@____.com.
I know you can get through this one way or another. I wish you well and hope your baby arrives healthy.
D.

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V.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

S., I don't have any real advise except to just tell you that you do not deserve such treatment...no one does. Please make sure you go through with the counseling and just know we are thinking about you out here and praying that you will be okay. God Bless!

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