I am somebody that cannot have kids ,so at first my reaction was God works in mysterious ways, but the deeper I go into this relationship, I understand that I am not equipped to deal with all that it comes with, not sure if I'm jumping the gun or I am being extra careful, there's a couple of things that make me fear this relationship ,one if I want to continue this relationship I would have to move where he lives which is another city he cannot move and leave his child, he also has an ex-wife who has a addiction problem, so he cant stay far from his daughter, he actually spends more time than just the weekends hes daughter ,he is trying to protect her, he is a good man and a man that is troubling trying to keep everything together and I see it ,
I'm he is trying to make everybody happy,
not to be a selfish person but t I am also debating wether this is the right relationship for me, it's a lot for me to think to move to another city and leave my family to start life over there, on the weekends he doesn't really have time for me, we have a long distance relationship it makes it a little bit more difficult since the moments that we do have on the phone but on the weekend he is busy with his daughter, in the 9 mouths I have gone to see him ,we're always with his daughter but at certain times she's been rude and has call me ugly and has said things like Daddy I have a better idea why don't you and I go and not her, and when he told her that she couldn't have cats in the house because I'm allergic she said she doesn't live here which is true but I can't help to feel sometimes like she doesn't like me.
there's rare moments where she tells me to do her hair and I feel like she's warming up to me, there is other factors also a couple times where I've gone to see him he has had to deal with his ex being on pills and disappearing, his daughter being worried about her mother .
I get angry not at his daughter but our situation or his situation, and a lot of our conversations are about his situation with his ex and her absent in his daughter's life from time to time
he sometimes makes comments that she would be better off without her mom
I guess I worry about my my life and where do I fit in all this and if I'm better alone living my life where I live now or moving in trying to be part of his life.
almost forties and for the past four years all I've done is travel and I love traveling, with his situation he cannot travel, he doesn't just have his daughter on the weekends he actually tries to makeup her mother's appsense' so he tries to have her as much as he can
I feel guilty for debating leaving a good man because of his past ,but I wonder if this is too much, should I walk away from this ?I am a good human being and I would do right by anybody and I would always try to be the best person , I fear that I might not be the best person for this relationship and I'm I feel all alone. I also don't want to be a selfish, let's not forget I don't have kids and I have never dealt with a situation like this
He is a father, first and foremost. His daughter will be his first priority for at least the next 10 years. This is what it means to be a parent. If this is not something that you can not only accept, but admire and embrace, then this is probably not the relationship for you. It is not selfish to think about this, it is realistic.
I could be reading this wrong but the feeling I get from this post is that you want to break up and move on, that you don't want the responsibility of his child and are not prepared for the extremely hard task of being a step parent, which often means loving while getting nothing in return, or even getting what feels like scorn in return (this is normal for children when they feel their time or place with the parent is threatened by a new relationship) and you want our permission to break it off without feeling like a bad person. Guess what, you don't need our permission and it does not make you a bad person to admit that this relationship, good man or not, may simply just not be the right one for you. There are many reasons good people might find they are incompatible and one of those can be children or past baggage, and that is okay to admit. It is okay to put yourself first here, it doesn't make you selfish.
hes got baggage that you don't want to deal with, hes got a daughter that is more important than you. don't bend over backwards to make this work. cut your ties and find a better boyfriend
Punctuation and paragraphs are your friends.
Long distance relationships are hard - you don't have a good picture of who is really is all the time - so what ever image you have of him is incomplete at best or downright false.
Since you love travel and are just now questioning about your being alone - can't you find someone who shares your love of travel to be with?
Find a single travel agent and date him!
I'd pass on this relationship.
He, his ex, his daughter - all have things they need to work on.
It's not your job to fix him and/or his family life or lack thereof.
He is not compatible for your life style. I in no way think your are selfish. You’re smart for considering all these factors mainly his baggage.
I knew I wanted a man that didn’t have baggage...finally I found one and we got married. My advice to you is to keep looking. He is out there.
It sounds like you are moving from the fantasy part of this relationship ("good man" and "I can't have kids so this is a gift from God") to the reality (he has a ton of baggage, you have some major areas of life with nothing in common (you travel, he can't/won't; he's wrapped up in his daughter/you're not; the child wants her father and not you/who can blame her because no child wants a new distraction in a parent's life even if the new person is fabulous).
I'm very disturbed that a 9 year old is in the position of being worried about her mother; a child should not have an adult job to do. I'm concerned that she lives part of the time with - apparently - an addict who isn't entirely clean and that her father has not taken more steps. Or, if she's not with her mother, where is she? I'm also concerned that he says she'd be better off without her mother - is he waiting until he has a replacement stepmom who will move to his city?
You don't say anything great about him in terms of meeting your needs. You also might want to re-think the term "relationship" - you have a correspondence/phone exchange with someone who intrigues you but the reality of what his daily life is like doesn't seem to mesh with you, your needs, your wants.
If you want a child, you will have no trouble finding a special needs or older child or one through the foster system. If you don't want that (and I'm not saying you should), then perhaps you aren't ready for the rigors of step-parenting a child with significant issues with a man who wants you to make all of the changes and adjustments to make his life easier.
If you want this man, you should expect some sacrifice on his part for your needs, and you should spend a lot more time getting him to be in a real relationship with you. That's almost impossible to do across the miles, I'm sorry to say.
Sorry - not easy to read, so I hope I got the gist of this.
You didn't really write any positives here about the guy or the situation.
A lot of negatives.
To me - that's pretty telling. I get you came on here with your problem, but honestly, I would take that as a sign. If you were my friend, and I listened to you, I'd say the same thing.
I personally think you can find something that suits you and adds to your life far more. You deserve someone who fits into your life - not the other way around. Best to you.
welcome to mamapedia.
This isn't the relationship for you.
There is too much baggage and too much for YOU to change in order to make it work.
Learn from this and move on. Let the relationship go.
You would not be leaving this man because of his past. You would be leaving him because of his present.
He presently has a 9 year old daughter who does not like you (which is understandable! Not that I think you are a bad person, but I think that 9 year old kids don't like to see their parents dating), he presently has his daughter on the weekends, he presently has an ex with an addiction problem, he presently cannot move out of his city.
So, if you want to deal with all of these things...then go for it. If these PRESENT problems are going to be too much for you, try dating closer to home and maybe someone without kids.
this is almost impossible to read, but it seems to boil down to this......
you are thinking of moving to a city you don't know and wouldn't otherwise choose to be with a man whom you only know as a 'long distance relationship.'
he has a 9 year old daughter who doesn't like you, which is not surprising. it's not a reflection of your character, but i can't think of many 9 year olds who would welcome daddy's long distance girlfriend, especially if she's the cause of a no-cat rule.
he has an ex who clearly eats up a ton of his time and attention.
his weekends are rightly focused on his daughter.
i mean, whatever floats your boat, but wouldn't it be smarter to find a relationship in which you have some sort of importance?
khairete
S.
Please walk away from this relationship. He doesn't have time for you because his life is too complicated. You are a distraction. You don't deserve to be a distraction. You deserve to be loved and included by someone who has time for you.
There is nothing wrong with your love interest having a daughter. But you have no business moving to a new city with this kind of relationship. Please don't do it.
i had a VERY hard time following this.
what it boils down to for me? It doesn't sound like this is "relationship" and it sounds like there is just too much for you to deal with, not just with cat allergies, but the drug issues with the ex.
I would move on and find someone who lives closer to you and doesn't have as much baggage. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.
Probably the best course of action would be to move on. Being a stepparent is one of the most difficult situations, and often ruins relationships.
If you choose him, you're choosing her, and everything that goes with her. If you love traveling, that's out.
I assume you've actually met this guy? This isn't one of those online relationships where you've never met? Because if it is, you definitely need to move on. If you've hardly ever spent time with him, move on. Unless you know that man well and are prepared to move, I think you should give this relationship up and make life easier for yourself.
