I Just Don't Know What to Do Anymore

unfortunately guys tend to deal with grief with anger rather than sadness and other emotions. They are afraid to break down or express themselves so they storm at those they love cause they don't know how to face reality. Sometimes it gets better but other times it gets worse when not confronted. I see this with my husband and his dad dying when he was a teenager. He never dealt with it then and he is letting it out more and more at me. It's the only time in his life where ppl. have cared so much about him so he feels 'safe' to take it out and express his frustration and loss. It's not ok and he is in therapy for it cause its taking a toll on our relationship BIG TIME so you need to get someone close to him (a buddy or relative) to get him into therapy. I know someone really good who does grief counseling if you need a name but don't give up and stay strong. Its so hard but you need to be patient and give him a lot more affection and compassion even when you don't want to. It does help. He needs you to comfort him since you are all he has. Good luck and be in touch if you need someone to vent to or someone to talk to. Lots of hugs, N.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't think there is much you can do alone. It will have to be his choice to open up and share his feelings and until he does that the little things are gonna set him off. Don't be to hasty to completely upset your lives. I did that a lot. Every time I lost someone I loved, I rearranged my whole life. I quit the best job I ever had. Take time first. Healing isn't over night. And with the loss of a child it will never be complete. You will always mourn this special person. Hopefully though eventually you will think more of the good times instead of just the sad ending. That might be a start to getting your husband to open up. Start talking about the good times. What you enjoyed and how this child made you feel. If nothing else, it will get your feeling out there to be dealt with. I wish there was something else I could say to make the hurt go away but the only thing that will help that is time. There isn't a counselor in the world that can speed up the mourning process nor should they try. Good luck to you! Don't let this childs memory die with her body. Talk about her and keep her alive in your hearts! She still lives there.

Go get counseling. You both need assistance in dealing with the grief and subsequent issues surrounding the loss of a child. You two seem exceptionally stressed (who wouldn't be in this situation!) and you would benefit greatly from an impartial third party who is trained to help people like you. Don't be embarrassed to seek this help - if you broke an arm or had a deadly disease, you'd seek medical treatment for the physical ailment...so, go get help for this emotional ailment.

I takes time to heal and the pain NEVER goes away! I know b/c I lost twins at birth almost 5 years ago. It is pain no one can describe and unless it is your child, you won't feel the same pain he does. He just doesn't know how to express his hurt. My husband increased his beer. Hang in there. Walk away from the arugments. and most of all, pray to God!

I am sorry about your loss. Your husband has to be in so much pain. I do believe that both of you need to seek help out side of the home. My ex husband and I did the whole counslor thing before we got divorced. It helped it help discover what was really the problem and brought issues to the table for us to deal with. The only thing is in our case things were brought to the table I was not ready to deal with and it broke my heart. In the end it helped me disvover what we needed to do as a couple and as indivudals. If your husband does not go you go. Be a leader and help show him the way.
Sit down and talk no matter how much it might hurt. If you do not then the problem will never get better and your husband will never heal. How is his relationship with the other kids and the mother of his daughetr. Remeber this not only effects you and him but every one. Indvidual, couple and family councling as well as a support group for your husband is needed. Again I am really sorry!

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, that must be so hard.

I agree that your husband needs some sort of counseling to deal with his grief. Let him know that if he sees a therapist or a social worker, they are not legally allowed to prescribe medication so that will not be an issue. They just listen and offer coping skills to help him get stronger. You could also consider seeing a therapist yourself. In my experience, when someone you love won't help him/herself and it's hurting your relationship, the only person you can control is yourself so seeing someone to talk to can help you to gain coping skills as well. Or, you could go together. That would also help address your relationship issues. There are many offices that charge with sliding scales so it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

Also, do you belong to a church? A minister certainly wouldn't push medication. It's a great (and free) way to talk about difficult things.

Good luck and don't give up. It sounds like you're on the right track to making things better.

Dear J.- I am so sorry about your stepdaughter. That kind of a loss is overwhelming and results in divorce for about 87% of marriages. I urge you to ask your husband to go with you for therapy. Go to a masters level or Ph.D psychoherapist specializing in loss. Your local hospice or bereavement center can refer you. Assure your husband that he will not be given medication-only MDs can prescribe meds. Make a decision to support each other in healing from this tragedy and above all, give each other time. Your family cannot afford another loss.
I wish you both the courage to get through this, C. A

Dear J.,
I am sorry about your loss.
There is a group called Compassionate Friends (probably listed in the phone book or on the Internet) which is for those I believe who have lost a child.
It doesn't cost anything and there are no pills involved.
Marriage counseling sounds in order too.
I hope you are able to get help.

I'm so sorry about your step daughter.

Not being happy in your own situation isn't good for you or your kids. If you want to get a job, get a job, he'll get over it. He can stay home with them if he thinks it's so important.

It sounds like it's time to get some counseling, both for him to work out his grief and couples so you guys can get talking.

I hope you work it all out :)

First, not only did your husband lose his only daughter, but you have lost someone who was important and loved by you and your sons. There is nothing to get over; we never get over losing a loved one. We grieve, we learn, we become different people and fashion a life without that person in it anymore. There are many wonderful support groups for parents whose child has died. Rainbow Hospice has groups, most hospitals have groups and they don't use pills. What they do offer is a place where others who have had the same loss truly understand the depth of feelings: anger, frustration, sorrow, regret...
Accidents are particularly challenging for there are no opportunities for last words, kisses, hugs. I don't know what your relationship was with your stepdaughter, but you sound a little distant from what your husband is feeling.
It also is barely 3 months since her death and your husband, I am sure, is still in shock and the finality of never seeing or being with his daughter is just beginning. Your boys are young and can understand when you tell them, or their Daddy tells them why he is so sad, because they probably are experiencing feelings about what is happening but can't put them into words. If faith is a part of your life, you can pray for help to be there for your husband, even when it lashes out at you. You can give him some space, ask him if he would like to share some of his memories of her as a baby/toddler. Maybe you could plan a memorial garden or plant a tree with an intimate ceremony in your yard, where everyone can do their part and invite others who knew her and are missing her. Grieving is truly, I believe, the most personal emotion any person has to work through and each of us grieves at a different rate, in a different way. There is no right or wrong, time limit. He needs to know that you will carry good memories of her and share them with him. She wasn't perfect, none of us are, but we all have goodness within us and he doesn't want to hear, "don't talk about her, it just makes you cry or get angry with me and our boys." As for the lack of sexual connection, that is temporary and if he feels safe with you, the man who loves you and loving you, will be back. He isn't rejecting you, it is often rejecting the feelings of pleasure because his heart is aching so and it "doesn't feel right." I think there are some other issues underlying that you aren't mentioning? There are some wonderful guidelines that these support groups outline to help the whole family get through this truly life-altering loss. If you know anyone who has lost a child in the past, you might seek them out and ask what you can do for your husband to help him in this very hard journey. Remember, love hopes all things, love bears all things. I will keep you in my thoughts...
Ruth L

wow what a tragic situation that happened to your family i am sorry. i would try talking to him and tell him that you think counseling might be appropriate because he isn't dealing well with the death of his daughter. i agree that he should seek some type of counseling for this or things may keep getting worse and worse. he can get away with seeking counseling without having to take any pills. for his sake and yours keep urging him to get help.

Hi J.. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your step-daughter. I can't imagine how difficult that's been on you and your husband. It sure sounds like that is where the heart of your problems are. If he is open to seeing a psychiatrist, they do not dispense drugs...that would be a pyschopharmacologist or pyschologist, although they may suggest something to him. There are people out there who specialize in grieving. I've gone to Dr. Jill Gardner at Duneland Counseling Center for that exact thing when I lost my father 6 years ago. She was wonderful.

Even if he doesn't want to go, perhaps you should consider seeking some counseling. It can help you sort through some of your issues and give you a chance to "vent" about how all of this is affecting you and your relationship. I'm such a big advocate of counseling. I've tried numerous times to get my husband to go, but he has the same type of mindset as your husband, which is very typical for most men. They view it as a sign of weakness that they can't figure their problems out themselves.

And I don't blame you for retaliating...you feel like you are personally being attacked, and that's how it's coming off from him. He has no idea where to vent his anger about the loss of his daughter. Again, very typical man behavior. My husband does the same thing when he's stressed out about anything, let alone such a serious matter as the loss of a child. I'm sure he feels like a volcano ready to erupt. Unfortunately, you are right in his pathway being that you are the one closest to him and care deeply about him.

Perhaps you've tried a million times, and I know it can be the hardest thing in the world to do, but can you talk to him? I mean with complete sincerity and without getting too angry? We all know that communication is key in a relationship. My husband and I can easily fall into that trap of letting our emotions simmer til they boil over, and that's never a good outcome. But when we actually sit down and talk, really talk, it's amazing what we can accomplish by just listening to each other and realizing that through it all we really just want the same thing.

I don't know if any of this has helped at all, but I just couldn't ignore your message when I read it. I really feel for you. You're going through such a difficult time right now, and your feelings need to be acknowledged. Know that you're not alone, even if it feels like it right now. Hang in there.

L. R.

Gosh, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I have no idea how each of you must feel. It has to be incredibly painful to lose a child. It sounds as though your communication is really breaking down and when you don't communicate you tend to lose the passion in your relationship. It takes a lot of work to keep a marriage healthy...something I think a lot of people tend to forget. If he will not seek professional help then maybe you should consider it so you can get ideas on how to deal with things from your end. This has worked for me in the past. If you don't know where to go or how to pay for it most pastors will listen and try to help you. Some large churches, such as Willow Creek in the Barrington area, might even have marriage ministries where couples will volunteer to mentor other couples. Again, I'm sure you could talk to them on your own to get ideas. Other than what has worked for me is to love and support, love and support and love and support some more when my husband had gone through tough times. This means biting my tongue A LOT and keeping my temper at bay and asking if it's alright to hug and kiss him. It's important not to lose the intimacy either, but that might be step two for you guys. Anyway, these are my two cents. I just hate to hear about couples in trouble...especially when there are kids involved. If you don't mind I will keep you in my prayers.

T.

I haven't been thru this kind of tragedy, but I did go thru a period where my husband and I fought about anything and everything. We were just like you and your husband. We are doing so much better now. First, we sought help. We are actually going to a pre-marital class at a church in town. Seek help from an older, wiser couple that you both respect, but NOT family. It's really important that you don't call family. They have a tendency to take sides. Second, the most important thing I have learned is that I can only model the behavior that I want to see. No amount of me telling him to change is gonna make him change. If you don't want to argue, don't argue. If you need love, show him love. My marriage turned completely around when we were at a point of signing divorce papers.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope things work out for you.

I am a mother of three boys, & my oldest is my stepson. My husband & I have been married 8 years come this July, & we are on the Marriage Ministry at our church. I just wanted to give you a little of my background before I respond.
My suggestion to you is the best advice that anyone can give you, & that is to PRAY!!! I don't know what your spiritual background may be, but I know from my own experiences that prayer works. Prayer requires belief that God will answer your prayers. Remember, God does not think the way that we do, so you may feel as if God is not answering your prayers, but God does things on His time & not ours. You just have to be patient & belief that he will answer your prayers.
Is your husband willing to sit down & have a conversation with you regarding your relationship, & his pain through the loss of his daughter?
If he is not, then write him a letter expressing your feelings about the whole situation. Keeping in mind that he is still hurting, & that he may just need more time to grieve.
I will definitely be praying for you, but in the mean time hang in there, God will see you thru.

God bless,
A concerned mother

J. - My heart goes out to you in your overwhelming situation. I don't have any good advice that hasn't already been offered below, except don't give up trying to talk even after you've had a nasty blowout. Some days will be okay and some will be horrible, but time has a way of sweeping you forward. I'm sending you all the good will I have your way and hope things get better for you and your husband soon!

J.,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief sucks and it is a normal process that everyone goes through. Our culture doesn't make space for it (religion used to provide that support, but we are not so connected to religion and we are often in spiritual crisis when loved ones die). Counseling or some kind of support would be helpful for both of you, esp. your husband. It can be individual, couple, or group. A place to start would be the Center for Grief Recovery. They have a website with great articles and a blog. Maybe some reading or writing would be helpful until he is ready to take the next step:
http://www.griefcounselor.org
http://griefcounselor.blogspot.com
Peace to you both,
C.

I think you are right in saying both of you are stressed. The loss of a child can (i can only imagine) be the most terrible thing to experience in life. There is help, if he'll take it, by seeing a homeopathic Dr. Homeopathic remedies are all natural and help people get back on track after loss, with illness (temp. or chronic), etc. I see Dr. J. Polich in Naperville (http://dupagehomeopathic.com/) for myself and my family (started w/ my son's eczema and allergies, so much better now). I see her if we have an ear infection or whether it's for something serious (like asthma).
Here's a link to a newsletter on depression that Dr. Polich wrote. I know that "depression" sounds like a harsh word, but what you and your DH are experiencing is a form of that. Homeopathic remedies can help a person feel better by at least 50% in 2 days. Homeopathic remedies have helped people that suffered from Katrina save their marriages (I read a great article on that one). But you need to see a Dr. for it....
You can make it thru this, but something's got to give somewhere. Don't think that a change in jobs will make a difference in your relationship. Best of luck to you.

http://dupagehomeopathic.com/newsletters/depression.pdf

I am so so sorry for the loss of your step-daughter. You and your husband are still in the grieving process at this point. Is there any neutral person you can just sit and talk to, like a family friend or a pastor/minister? You can even try Catholic Charities for counceling. I think if you can talk to someone that is neutral on the subject, that will help put all your feelings on the table. Talk with someone that will not charge you, and will not be able to prescribe you any medicine. Just talk.
I know how it is to run a daycare out of your home. It can be stessful and tidious. Even if you love the kids you watch, somedays it can be a lot to handle without any support. I suppose with you and your husband both having your own "businesses", that can cause more tension and stress.
I hope you two will be able to work out your differences with your work situations, and come together to support eachother though this very difficult time in your lives.

J., First of all let me say how sorry I am about the loss of your daughter. Loosing a child i one of the hardest thing a parent has to go through. Youre young, The pain and tension in your home will gt easier in time. Theres an old saying- Time heals all wounds. It does, but in the meantime, try not to let him push you in to the little bickering arguements. Sounds like you are both still in the grieving process. Try just huggung him and telling how much you miss & loved her too. And also let him know that you still have each other and two two other children that Love you both very much and miss her and both you very much. Maybe he will open his eyes and see that you are all still here, and need him as much as HE needs all of you too. Ill keep you in my prayers. With God all things are possible. Keep praying and I hope all works out for you and your family.

I agree about the counseling. Maybe he would go to a social worker, as they can't give meds. A friend of mine runs the Christian Care and Counseling Center in New Lenox. While through a church, religion does not have to be a part of it if he isn't into it.The # is ###-###-####. She does take insurance. You may want to go, even if he doesn't, to get some help with how you respond to him. Good luck.

Just remember that he needs you now more than ever, even if he is pushing you away. Maybe you need to sit down and discuss between the both of you what should happen as far as employment goes. Maybe you both need a change. I am a child care provider and can honestly say that as long as your children are in the right child care environment they may learn more in a child care setting, especially social skills. Sit down and talk to him, let him know that you are willing compromise on some things, and work it all out. Most of all, let him know that you love him and you are there to support him whatever you decide. You may even think about pre-school for the kids or wait until your oldest is enrolled for elementary school. I am going to put my two-year-old in preschool when he turns three. By the time he gets that age, he is going to be bored with daycare. Hope this helps, God bless.
Ash

Sounds like your husband is going thru grief and anger is one of the stages. As a former therapist I suggest you find a grief counselor in your area and both of you go for brief therapy.

Also purchase a book on grief so that you understand what is happening in your life. There is a wonderful prose and poetry book, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". I give this book to people I love when they have the loss of a spouse, parent or child.

The best to you, M.

i'M SURE YOU ARE GOING TO GET A LOT OF RESPONSES FROM THIS BUT I'LL PUT IN MY 2C WORTH. THE BALANCE OF NATURE IS THAT THE PARENT TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD AND THE PARENT DIES. WHEN IT HAPPENS IN REVERSE IT UPSETS EVERYHING WITHIN. THE LOSS OF ANY LOVED ONE IS HARD BUT WHEN IT'S A CHILD IT'S EVEN WORSE. YOUR HUSBAND IS JUST GOING THRU SOME OF THE STAGES OF DEATH. YOU GRIEVE FOR AWHILE THEN GET ANGRY THEN DEPRESSED AND FINALLY YOU BEGIN TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE WHOLE THING. THEY SAY IT TAKES 4 SEASONS TO BEGIN TO HEAL AND SO FAR IT HAS PANNED OUT TO BE TRUE IN ALL THE CASES I AM AWARE OF. WHEN A CHILD DIES YOU HAVE THOSE PRECIOUS YRS OR MOS OR DAYS WHATEVER IT IS AND THE MEMORIES CONNECTED. TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHEN IT'S AN ADULT. IT WILL TAKE A LOT OF PATIENCE ON YOUR PART BUT I BELIEVE IF YOU WILL BE PATIENT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HELP HIM THRU ALL THIS GRIEF AND ANGER. REMEMBER; IT'S NOT YOU HE'S ANGRY WITH...JUST THE WORLD, DEATH, AND NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE HIS DAUGHTER FROM DYING. YOU MORE OR LESS NEED TO JUST BEAR THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL FOR HIM AS WELL AS YOURSELF. I KNOW IT'S HARD BUT SOMEONE HAS TO BE STRONG AND WHILE THIS DEATH HAS AFFECTED YOU YOU ARE MORE APT TO THE STRONGER OF THE TWO. REGARDLESS OF HIS UNKIND WORDS OR DEEDS OR ACTIONS, JUST WAIT IT ALL OUT. IT'S TOUGH BUT YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM AND WANT THIS MARRIAGE TO WORK. BE THERE FOR HIM WHETHER IN WORDS OR IN SILENCE. BE STRONGER THAN HIM WITH YOUR FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS FOR HIM AND THE OTHER CHILDREN. AND PRAY. GOD WILL HELP YOU BOTH THRU THIS IF YOU TRUST AND BELIVE HIM FOR THIS. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU TOO!
K

Hi J., i am new, so I just saw your post, reading past posts. You are rather young, I assume your husband is close to your age? So his daughter coulnt be more than a child? I am writing because my husband and I lost our daughter at 75 days of age. Your husbands behavior is normal, as someone else posted, I only read a few, what if it were YOUR daughter? My husband went through the angry phase for a very long time, if I wasnt in such a depression also, I might have divorced him. But we vowed the day she died not to become a statisic, it has been very hard,it has been 2 1/2 years since our daughter died, one NEVER gets over the loss of a child. I talk with women who have lost a child 30 or more years ago, they are not over it yet. I also have a step-daughter, whom I love, but until you lose one of your own, you cant begin to fathom. I was on meds for almost 2 years, while my husband refused help of any kind. He saw a councelor twice, I thought it helpful, he opted to not go back. Now, things are pretty good, when we have a bad Sommer ( our daughter) day, we are able to say, I need some time to be with Sommer, please give me my space. Your husband is reacting to the death of his child! Neither one of us wanted to go to work, but we had to. We still have other children also. Of course he hates running his own business, it is alot of work. And his heart hurts too bad, and believe, concentration goes out the window when your child dies. 2 1/2 years later, the truth is, if I dont write it down, I will not remember it. Please try to put yourself in his shoes. He has lost his child. I pray you will never what that feels like, but your husband will for the rest of his life. A word of caution also, every birthday, every anniversary, every holiday will be a terrible strain, a living hell, trying to make it good for the family, without his daughter. We have made new traditions, do something special on Sommers birthday, annivesary, even holidays are no longer about traveling to family , but just our little 3 people ( myself, hubby, and son still at home) doing our own thing, it is too painful to pretend to be happy in a houseful of holiday revelers. Please, if it is still bad, get some counceling for yourself, I spent 2 years in intense counceling, I still see her as needed, if hubby wont go, you should. Please also know, the sexual urges do go away for awhile, actually along time, grief plays havoc with your body, after Sommer died, for a few weeks, it was great, then reality set in. I have a feeling that is where your husband is. Dont take it, or his anger, personally, it is grief. Stand by your man, try to understand, and walk away. He is ANGRY that his daughter is gone, you cant make it better ( I know you would if you could), love your kids like this is the last moment you will spend with them, and just pray. All I ever pray for is peace in our hearts, pray that for your husband. If you ever need to talk, Ive been there, feel free to email me at ____@____.com you and your family find peace, God Bless, A.

J.,

Your husband is depressed. While this is normal, it feels terrible and people who have sustained big losses act in ways that are "out of character". Mourning is normal, and can last longer than expected.

It might be helpful for him to talk to someone who will just listen empathetically, without making comments or suggestions...or interpretations, or go off exploring his childhood or his relationships with his parents etc....

If you have a minister or someone who will just listen and validate your husband's feelings he will probably be helped a lot...

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org
###-###-####

I can't even imagine how your husband feels about the loss of his daughter. I am sure he is experiencing all kinds of emotions. I would suggest perhas some type of "loss" counseling for him to let out everything he is feeling and try to move on with his life as hard as it will be. It has to be the hardest thing in the world to lose a child. My prayers are with him and your family

My condolences to your family.

There is an organization called 'Ryan's Place' here in the Elkhart area that is for grieving parents - again, no pills just a lot of support for every member of the family.

I know they're in Elkhart but if you're having trouble finding somewhere nearby that's similar look them up online and call and see if they know of anyone in your area who has a similar organization.

Even if you can't get your husband to go you should as you could get some good insight and healing from others who are in your shoes.

Best wishes!

some how i have two mamsource accounts and i sent this message on the wrong one. but i am the same person who sent this request.

as i read some of these responses and reread my request i guess i didn't speak very well. most of the time these stupid arguements happened is because i urge him to talk to me or to seek help. he thinks that i am trying to force him into the grieving process more quickly. that is not the case at all, and i am very sorry for making it seem that way. i love my step daughter like she was mine. i hardly ever even called her 'step' daughter. she and i had a very close relationship most of the time.

it breaks my heart to see him like this and all i try to do is suggest things to help him. everyone around him has come to me and commented on how they think he needs something too. and yes it does take everything he has to go to work but just because she is not my bio-child doesn't mean that i am a heartless person. i too have that hard time doing some things. he won't cry in front of anyone or sometimes even talk to people. he will sit up at night and look at her myspace, videos of her, and the countless pictures we have. that is his way of dealing. i just want him to know that we are all here for him no matter what. i really don't want him to feel as if he has to do this alone, and that is how i think he is acting... that noone in the world has any right to feel sadness over her death.

he is very stubborn and always has been. i know that eventually he will get the help he needs. i guess my venting was more or less getting reassured that he wasn't taking it out on me on purpose. thanks again

Maybe some counseling would help. It sounds like your husband has some unresolved issues that you don't know about. Do you two spend good quality time together? (I know it is hard with kids and work, But your relationship is important too). JUST TALK.....
Good Luck!
M.

After a death of a loved one is a natural time to review your life choices. A helpful "rule" is not to make major decisions for 6 months to a year. With confusing and overwhelming thoughts, no wonder you can't figure out "how?" you're still trying to wrap your brain around the "what" of the shock of her death. Of course your fights are over silly stuff, dealing with the deep issues are too scary alone. It's like the little stuff that overflows from a trash can that's full of big stuff & the little things get noticed because they spill out on the floor. (That little stuff represents undefined & unresolved pain.)

I lost my brother when I was 18, he was 23. My parents went to a group called "Compassionate Friends" which helped them alot. www.compassionatefriends.org (parents) There is also an organization called Brooke's Place. www.brookesplace.org (siblings too) I have some other friends going there now. There is no substitution for having loving support from others who have been on the same path.
Personal couseling may help. CTS Christian Theological Seminary offers couseling on a scale if money or insurance is an issue. ###-###-#### www.cts.edu (click on programs, then counseling) This is BIG STUFF, if you needed help with your car, & you're not mechanical, you'd hire an expert, right?

J., keep in mind that this is new territory for both of you. Issues and triggers will come up that you each thought long gone. Losing a child, sibling, or spouse is probably the biggest, hardest thing anyone can ever have in their life. It challenges our concepts of life. And that is as it "should" be.
For starters, keep a journal. And reach out to others who can offer guidance on this same path, ASAP. You reached out today. I honor you for that.
Blessings, J.
(about me, I'm 50, an artist, single mom of a 27yr old, 20yr old, & 5yr old grandson, a member of Woman Within, & have done lots of personal growth work)

I am so sorry for your family's loss. I can't imagine losing my daughter; I know I would probably go completely insane...and that's probably what is happening to your husband right now.

While we have not been through the loss of a child, my husband and I have been through some very significant life altering events that would cause most marriages to break up. Emotional and physical pain, suffering, trauma, and months without being intimate; but we were always still there for each other to talk to and be each other's support.

Counseling is definitely a good approach, but in your husband's current state of mind, he will not go. Until he is ready to take that step, I suggest that you sit down with him when your children are in bed - tell him that you understand he is going through a lot right now, and that you want to do whatever it is that HE needs from you. Ask him what he needs from you, but don't be surprised if he doesn't know himself.

Tell him that you love him, tell him that you are here for him in any way he wants you to be, and tell him that you will do what you can to ease his burden of feeling like he has to "take care" of you. But also let him know gently that you are suffering too, and that you want to work through this together.

I have said a prayer for you and your family, and will continue to over the next few days. I wish you all the best and I hope that you are able to work through this difficult time together. God bless you!

I'm so sorry for your loss. If your husband doesn't want to go see a therapist, what about a support group? When my friend's father died, Evanston Hospital had a bereavement (sp?) group for adult children who lost a parent, and she said they also had groups for people who lost children. I believe it was free, and it was extremely valuable for her during this grieving process. I'm sure other hospitals and community centers have similar groups. No one pushing pills, just a place to talk about your experiences, hear others' experiences, and know that you're not alone. He may need you to gather information and help him see why this would be helpful, since he is opposed to the idea right now. Maybe he would be more likely to go if you offered to go with him. Good luck, and hang in there.

Sorry for the loss. I would keep encouraging him to get help, see a councelor. Medication isn't always the answer but it does help in some cases. 3 months is not enough time to grieve over a child, I feel. Just keep encouraging him to get help!