I Just Wanted to Roll over and Punch Him...

I wouldn't have held in all of the frustrations as long as you did. You were justified. I don't understand why his apologizing would make you feel like you were overreacting and not justified, though. That makes no sense to me. You got what you wanted... acknowledgment from him that he acted like an inconsiderate doofus. I mean, yes, you could have spoken up and said, "Honey, I'm just not back full force yet and I'm trying to get in the swing of things. This is just too much." It seems you wanted him to intuit more of that on his own, and maybe he should have... but he still wasn't very considerate.

Don't feel bad. You don't deserve to feel that way.

Your hubby was being a jerk. But since you say he is normally a great guy it was probably more of a misunderstanding than anything. If he has never had surgery or been really sick he probably thought that since you were able to solo yesterday you were all better. Many people don't understand how long it takes to recover from surgery.
Hopefully if you can sit down with him and calmly talk about how you are feeling physically he will understand. Let him know that you are able to take care of yourself and get dinner started you will still need his help with general housekeeping, meals, laundry ect for a few more weeks.
I hope you are better soon.

I know how you feel. I wanted to throw my dear, sweet husband from our moving vehicle over the wknd. Some days we are just more frazzled than others and their insights don't mesh with what we need. I do the ignore, and no eye contact, silent treatment thing when I'm ready to blow usually. I find if I start bitching I just get more agitated and make it all worse. Silence is my friend.

I'm not sure why you're still upset if he is actually groveling. He was a jerk and now is trying to make it up to you. Seems like you should just move on then. And if he's been doing a lot since you've been sick, maybe he expected things to be back to normal and was kind of glad about it. It sounds like he really rushed it but if he's normally a good guy and he's trying to make it up to you, let it go.

Cut yourself some slack – I think you may be expecting way too much from yourself, and because you are trying to be superwoman, your husband expects way too much from you, too.

You are not yourself yet, and will not be for a few weeks yet if you have "major" incisions. A great deal of your physical energy will be devoted to healing your body, and there will be little left over for mommying or wifing, which includes housekeeping and cooking. And mentally, you will be extremely tired and easily stressed, as well.

This took me quite by surprise when I had a fairly major abdominal procedure in my early 30's. I figured I'd be back on track after 3-4 weeks, because I had been strong and athletic. It was more like 10 weeks before I felt normal again. My first three weeks, I could find energy for very little beyond sleep. And pain pills took me down another notch energetically, but I couldn't do without them for the first three weeks.

Sit down with hubby and tell him you are not bouncing back as quickly as you had hoped, and that you expect him to take up the slack for a few more weeks so that you can heal as quickly as possible. Give him specific jobs to do, because men just can't generally look at the big picture and understand what needs to be done.

He's not a mind-reader, and can not hear what you don't say, so tell him what you need, and what's on your mind. This will help keep silent, resentful evenings from becoming a regular event in your house. Be a squeaky wheel – those are the ones that get attention. It's a much better alternative than silent anger, and much easier on your marriage.

When you're getting back to your normal activity levels, he'll be able to appreciate more how much you take care of every day. And I guarantee that if HE were the one with incisions and stitches, you'd be taking care of him hand and foot for weeks. But he apparently has not had that experience yet, so he can't relate, except to the extent that you tell him.

Congratulations on your successful surgery. Now I wish you a chance for successful healing.

Hope you heal soon! I had a c-section with some complications almost 2 months ago and I still have to take it easy or I really regret it the next day. He should be more sympathetic to your situation and he was being a bit of a jerk the day before- but next time- tell him how you are feeling. Say something like, "Honey, I just got through major surgery and feel like I have been run over by a semi- I really need you to help out more, could you please do _______?" If you over do it, it will just take longer for you to heal then you will be angry and sore.
~C.

When I am feeling rotten, I let my husband and son know about it.
(It was harder when our son was little but he's 12 now and becoming a wonderful considerate young gentleman.)
If they want, I'll describe symptoms in more detail than they'd care to hear about. They've learned to take me seriously because it doesn't happen often and I don't make up feeling sick.
Most the time they will bend over backwards trying to help me.
Sometimes I have to tell them I just need some quiet time - and they'll let me sleep and check in on me (usually to pull a blanket over my feet) every so often.
They know the sooner I'm feeling better the sooner I can go back to spoiling them.
My guys are a pretty considerate bunch and I'm very lucky.

Mine will ask whats wrong with me until I tell him. Then he ignores me and waits for me to get over it. I mean totally ignores me. Goes on as though I dont exist. Until I "get over it" and signal tohim it's ok to make eye contact agin. I Hate it. Nothing ever gets resoved.

Hey Libby,

Hang in there. I'll give you my take on this, while my husband is geeking out over NOVA. (I love him for this.)

Guys are kind of dumb when it comes to this stuff. Think of it: most men of our age were raised by fathers who sometimes told them to just "suck it up and get on with it". This is, unfortunately, what many guys sort of instinctively think. When I don't feel good, I have to almost wave it in my husband's face, just to remind him. He kind of thinks that if I'm around (not in bed) I'm available for duty. Habit.

Peg is right, being open and direct with your husband is important. And B has a point: be really explicit as to your level of ability and pain. Men whine to the end of the world when they have a cold, right? I'm not saying 'do the same', but let's face it, sometimes genders can be two different creatures.

For what it's worth, if he's groveling, he probably feels terrible about it. Good for you for telling him. Keep telling him. He's probably reading your actions, not your words. It's good to remind him before his basketball game "Can you just keep a little eye out for the kids, in case I can't get up right away?" Let him know you are needing some of his help, at the level you need it.

From everything you've said before, it sounds like you've got a great guy. Healing takes longer than our optimistic doctors expect, so let him do what he can, and tell him when he can help, gently.

Best to you,
H.