I Must Be So Wrong.

Man...no offense...but this guy sounds like a dirtbag. Run..not walk to a marriage counselor to get to the bottom of what he is ..not so diplomatically...trying to tell you. Something tells me there is more to this on his end.

Your husband is emotionally abusive and if you think that you are wrong, then you are buying into it. You married someone who has no interest in parenting and thinks/is trying to convince you that every moment of your life is about caring for kids. The era of the martyr mom is long gone. Was his own mother like this? You are a good mom, but he is a bad dad and a bad husband. Get some marriage counselling so that someone other than you is telling him this, and get some for yourself to undo the damage to your self esteem that this man has done. If it doesn't help, get away from him. It will only get worse

M.K.,
Does your husband do anything to help out ? Seems he forgot about the "partnership" it takes to raise kids and and run a household. Don't feel guilty or bad about some "me "time. You work a full time job taking care of the kids and the house. How much "me " time does he have ?
I"d try having an honest and open discussion with him about his responsibility as a father , the day doesn't end just because he got off the clock at work. He owes it to your kids (and you) to be an active participant in his family. Make compromises with him ,switch nights getting the kids ready for bed, take turns getting dinner ready,... And he has got to understand the importance of backing you up when it comes to discipline, otherwise the kids will never respect you or him ,and they can become great little manipulators at pitting the two of you against each other, and the end result is chaos and kids that aren't really happy . Has he ever heard the expression ,"you're here , but, you're not really here,... . Explain to him that without his help you have to stay up late to get things done, if he were helping out ,maybe you could both hit the hay together and enjoy each other as a couple.
Kids want a mom and a dad, and he's not giving them a dad .
Maybe he doesn't realize that kids learn how to treat other people (esp. in relationships) by what they see at home. I hope for your sake ,as well as theirs, that he's not one of those "macho jerks" who think they don't have any responsibilities at home. If this situation continues , the kids will become out of control as they get bigger cause they'll be the ones in control.
Ask him what he would like his kids to think of him when they're grown, today, shapes those memories and thoughts. If he helped out you/he could spend more time making great memories with your kids, instead of fighting a losing battle day in and day out. Set up rules together and a reward system for the kids. It pays off, you both have to just stick to your guns and don't give in. If nothing else works, call Nanny 911 !

Good Luck, C. S.

I agree with forty and fabulous and the others, the nerve...please don't let his ill meaning rant to get to you. You are a GOOD mom, we do have enough guilt as it is even when we do EVERYTHING for our children, we give it all so how dare he say from his comfy couch that you are a bad mom.
I would be livid if my husband said something like that to me especially after a hard day of work at home, because it is a lot of work. I don't think your husband could handle it 5 minutes if you leave him alone with the children.
I'm sorry I got carried away but I just can't stand when men don't appreciate their hard working wives,

he knows which buttons to push. the biggest insult for good moms is to be told you're a bad mom. look within, only you and the kids know what a great mom you are, so when someone says that smile and say just doing my best.
leave it at that. yes, it's cruel and inconsiderate but won't change things. moms are great.

First you tell him "I am secure with myself as a mother & as a wife, and nothing you say will beat me down". Men will never realize how much we do around the home or with the kids, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't respect us when we tell them we need some time to ourselves.

Even when my husband was put in the position to take care of the home & the kids (5, 4, & 2), because I had surgery & was down for 6 weeks, he still doesn't remember how hard it was & that was just in November. A few years ago when we started having kids my husband gave me a hard time if dinner wasn't made or house wasn't perfect or I was overwhelmed so I instantly set up counseling. It was wonderful, we went once a week for 1 year & we still go every couple months just to be able to vent etc. It really has helped bond us. Men need to realize that when they are home from work that we are still at work & that means it's parent time, not you at work and him lounging. I always tell my husband that I will be a better mom, wife, & person if I can have time to myself.

Don't allow this to go on anymore. Get him to help with his family

We can ALL relate! I still do the same things around the house and with my kids but I do them at different times. I'm NOT deceiving him. BUT I don't get on the computer when he is home...Men perceive things so much differently than we do.

When I first got married I would do everything before he got home so I could sit and relax with him when he was here. That was fine until we had children and then I realized if something had not gotten done that day he had the perception that I didn't do anything...my daughters and I still call that the "soap opera and bon bon effect." LOL...You really don't have to change any behavior, just change his perception. The computer is relaxing for me but I simply don't get on it when he's home.

I bet money he perceives that he helps you..... :)

God bless you!

M.

I can relate. I know how draining it is to be home with kids all day:) My hubby was sort of like this. I don't think he made me feel as guilty as your hubby, but that is just a guess. Any ways, I started to just tell him, that the kids needed daddy time and they couldn't achieve that if I was in the room. So after dinner, we would all play together, but once my kids were "into" it, I would leave the room. If a kid came to find me, I would just tell them it was daddy time and to go play with him. I will spend about 30 minutes to myself, and then join them again. I would help with bedtime, but not do it all. I would make him put the pj's on our youngest, while I did teeth for the others. If he didn't do the pj's I wouldn't give in and do them, and he eventually figured out I wasn't going to do it.
It's to the point now where it is a routine in our house. The kids love it and my hubby sees this. We are all happy with this method. Grantit I don't get a ton of me time, but i'll take 30 minutes over nothing:)
Good luck with it. Just keep open lines of communication with your hubby!

Is there more to this than the surface issues of sharing parenting? I am reading that you you were 'on the computer' having 'me time' and that you weren't 'in bed' with him very late, long after the kids were asleep. Could it be that the problems aren't really sharing the parenting chores, and rather intimacy issues between the two of you? Maybe the 'me time' needs to be 'us time' where you discuss the day, discuss your, and your kids needs, for daddy to be more a part of their life, where you relate that you need a little time alone, and where you are physically there for each other, etc.
Good Luck!

So let me get this straight…you give birth to your beautiful babies, take care of them, bathe them, brush their teeth, make their lunch and not to mention the other 100 things you do everyday while he does nothing, but YOU’RE a bad parent. Is he for real? Who does he think takes care of your children??? I can sit here and tell you how wrong he is until I’m blue in the face but until YOU make changes, he will never change.

Sounds like he’s reflecting how he feels about himself, onto you. Although in my opinion he is saying that but it sounds like he is really trying to say something else but his communication skills need a big make over!

You’re a wonderful mom because you TAKE CARE of your children! Start looking for what’s wrong with him and stop believing that there is something wrong with you =-)

YOUR ARE NOT A BAD MOM! Obviously from his actions and hurtful words, he is the "bad" one in your family. Those little moments that you take are OK, every Mom does it. Taking just a few minutes to yourself, helps your organize your thoughts and re-energize your brain and body for whatever comes next in your day or night. This makes you a better Mom. If you are stressed and overwhelmed you are not doing your children or yourself any good. I would suggest a true heart to heart with your husband, if that doesn't work maybe you should seek some family counseling for yourself and decide what you need to do next. I wish you all the best and hang in there :)

Sounds to me like you and your husband might need some joint counseling. If he is not willing, then, please put time into yourself... I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing in that i feel very strongly that you can't be a good mom if you aren't taking care of yourself.
If your husband was stepping up to share the household duties or support you as a human being then i think his criticism might bear more weight.

You're not a bad mom at all! I do the same thing. Often late at night is the only time I have to myself. I use that time to just be ME! He sounds like he's being a real big jerk. If he wants you in bed with him, then he needs to help you with the kids. I don't really know if talking to him is going to help, but you need to try. Tell him if he takes over bath time or bed time or some of the cleaning duties, you can have a little time to yourself in the evening and go to bed at the same time he does. If he's not willing to help, tell him to shove it. I know that sounds mean, but you work hard and you deserve some down time.

Balance is hard to achieve some days and everybody is a critic. It's okay. It sounds like maybe your husband isn't complaining so much about the kids not getting the care they need, but he's feeling neglected. Dads get to be just one of the kids when kids arrive. They want/need attention and instead of helping you, they add to your list of duties.

The computer can be a distraction, a diversion, an escape from your daily grind. Watch your time. If the house and kids are needing some attention, maybe cut back a bit from the keyboard and screen time.

Some Dads are not hands-on, not at all. So when you're not being criticized and being critical, talk with your DH and ask/suggest an activity for him and the kids to do. While he's out playing, that gives you a clear window to clean, do laundry, start a meal. You don't say how old your kids are, so maybe they don't need constant interaction, supervision. Did you and your husband ever discuss the discipline methods before you had your kids or since then? Ask him how he was disciplined growing up, what worked, what didn't work. You share with him your childhood experiences. How you both want to improve upon those methods that your parents used, knowing how it felt or what worked or didn't work. Kids are smart, there is a method behind their madness. :o)

And when it comes to the computer, kids learn what they live... limit your screen time to the same amount you would limit your kids, no more than 30-60 minutes a day and that includes the time needed for homework at this young age. Take them outside and play with them, read them books, play board games, go to the library, a museum, to the park, etc. But definitely limit your computer time, even when they've gone to bed for the night, because they will model their behavior after yours.

Any man that calls his wife and the mother of his children a bad mom because she is taking some much deserved time for herself is a total LOSER!!! Funny that he should say your a bad mom when he does nothing to help you?? DO NOT FEEL BAD in any way, I hate to say this but your husband has issues.