I Need Help!!! I'm Drowning Here...

E.-

I can definately relate, we are in the same boat too. My husband is sitting home all day and not doing much of anything. I work 2 jobs. I have found lately by dropping little hints or leaving small to do lists have been working. Telling him I am tired and need a little help (guilt) seems to work at times. He has been doing dishes and laundry without asking at times, but I still have to send little hints to get other things done. Otherwise he sits home drinking , watching TV or sleeping. Very fustrating I know. I am definately there. Any he only lost his job 1 1/2 weeks ago.

E.,
I know exactly what you are going through and I know it's rough. The only difference is that I'm not married and he works too. He complains about my job because I work at a small local bar. He always accuses me of sleeping with everyone and runs me into the ground. I only work a few days a week and he can't even lift a finger on those days to help out. I'm at the end of my rope. To add to it I'm in a custody battle with my ex husband. I feel like the world is crashing down on me and I can't do anything about it.

i thought i'd share a story from a friend: the father of her children was also a stay-at-home dad while she worked. one day she came home, and her 14-month old son came to greet her carrying a dead mouse (courtesy of the indoor-outdoor cat). she was mortified! she found the dad playing on the internet in the other room. this was common. they now have separated and share custody. a few days ago she went to pick up the kids and found both toddlers running wild while he slept soundly in the bedroom with the door closed. she now seeks full custody bacause of his neglect. so i began to wonder, what exactly SHOULD be expected of men in their role as caregiver? i don't know, because my kids' dads have never shared our home, nor do they provide any care (nor any $ for that matter)... but it seems to me that there are a LOT of frustrated women out there with this complaint. my friend's solution? she drastically lowered her expectations and decided to see him for what he really is: a fourth child. she says i'm lucky to be free, but i disagree... i think we'd all be lucky to have fathers who invest equally in our kids' well-being. it isn't about who makes the money, it's about a physical, emotional and spiritual commitment that is shared by both parents. my advice is this: lets start raising our daughters AND our sons to be givers, not takers! lets raise them now to be strong partners for each other in the future! we can't undo 20-30 years of the habits of our male partners, but we can rethink the philosophies we have about our sons.

I am an older mom of 4. Men want respect, women want to be loved. It's a decree from of old. He doesn't feel respected because he is not the breadwinner and head of his family.
Have you ever asked him what would really make him happy, or what his dream job would be? We only go around once in this life. Why spend it in misery? Is there any way you could job share? Any way he could work? Is he disabled?
Communication is key in marriage. You know when all else fails, read the directions. God gave us the directions to life in a book called the Holy Bible. Read Ephesians 5, the whole chapter, but the last several verses talk about "Wives respect your husbands, husbands love your wives."
Remember the thing that made you fall in love with him in the first place. He is sending you a loud message that he is very frustrated and terribly unhappy, as it sounds like you are too. Now you have three little guys watching your every move and hearing your every word. Talk together, work on this, you will never regret working on your marriage and it does take work. Try truly telling him 2 things you really appreciate about him and watch him perk up to hear what you have to say. Try to leave the criticism, and put downs out of your conversation and see how he responds.
May God guide you in all that you attempt to do to show repect and appreciation to the man you fell in love with and committed your life to honor and respect.
God Bless,
M. J.

When my husband lost his job, he was at home all the time. I suggested he watch our daughter so I wouldn't have to pay for daycare, but he didn't have the patience for it and said no. We ended up making the sacrifice and paying for the sitter anyway. He worked on starting his own business. It was very challenging financially, and after 8 months I suggested he find outside employment. It was not an ideal situation, but he is employed outside the home now and I only work part-time. We are all much happier than if he would have been forced to watch our daughter. Just a suggestion...maybe he's not the best person to watch the kids. Sorry I don't have better news.

I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM NOW. BUT WHEN I WORKED, MY HUSBAND AND I WORKED DIFFERENT HOURS. HE DURING THE DAY AND I AT NIGHT. I WOULD CLEAN ALL DAY AS WELL AS CHASE KIDS ETC, AND AT NIGHT HE JUST HAD TO DO BATHS AND PUT TO BED. I ALSO HAD THE DINNER AND DISHES DONE BEFORE I LEFT, ANYWAY WHEN I RETURNED HOME AT 3 IN THE MORNING IT LOOKED LIKE A TORNADO WENT THRU THE HOUSE. AND HE ONLY HAD THE KIDS FOR THREE HOUR BEFORE THIER BEDTIME. WE BICKERED, ARGUED, AND SAID A HEAP OF THINGS THAT NEVER SHOULD OF BEEN SAID. ANYWAY AFTER MONTHS OF THIS, I QUIT HAVING DINNER READY, TIDING THE HOUSE(I JUST PICKED UP) AND AFTER A WHILE HE DID HELP OUT SOME. I EVENTUALLY STARTED LEAVING NOTES ON THINGS THAT NEEDED DONE. AT FIRST NOTHING WAS SCRATCHED OFF THE LIST BUT IT KEPT GROWING. SO EVENTUALLY HE DID START PITCHING IN SOME. THAT IS AN OPTION TRY THE "TO DO LIST". KINDA MAKE UP AN STORY ABOUT ANOTHER FAMILY THAT HAS A "MOTHER" FALLING ASLEEP WHILE TODDLERS ROAMED THE HOUSE AND ASK HIM HIS OPINION ON THAT SITUATION. IF HE RESPONSE LIKE I THINK THAT SHE SHOULDN'T DO THAT, THEN SAY WELL WHERE IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU ARE DOING. MAYBE HE JUST NEEDS AN EYE OPENER. I DO INDEED FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR SITUATION. DURING MY TIME A WORK, THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME MY HUBBY REALLY HELPED OUT SOME. NOW SINCE I AM HOME, I CAN JUST GO OUT AND CLEAN THE YARD AND MY HOUSE IS MESSED UP WHEN I GET BACK IN. SO I THINK IT IS A GUY THING. IF ALL ELSE FELLS, TRY TO TRADE PLACES WITH HIM IF POSSIBLE.

This sounds really familiar to me. Last year my husband & I switched the at-home role. His job at a local church was cut from full-time to part-time so I went to work full-time so that we could have health insurance. I was so unhappy & felt like the house & the kids weren't getting the same type of attention that they had been getting with me there full time. A few days my 6 year old went to school with his shirt on backwards! Anyway, I know that I have a problem with thinking that nobody can do things as efficiently and as well as I can(especially when it involves my kids). I really like to be in control of thinks & tend to think my way is the only way. It took me awhile to appreciate his (very different) dad-style of parenting. In the end, I ended up cutting my hours back to part-time & we buy our own health insurance. I feel much happier (less guilty) & less anxious being able to be around my kids more now. And... I resent my husband a lot less. I'd be really interested to know how you are feeling about yourself right now... if you feel like sharing.

Some men feel like they should be the primary bread winner in the family. If they are not, your hubby is a prime example of what will happen. Just like if you plant a piece of corn in the ground and it becomes a corn stalk, if you start praising him for even a little thing, he may see that you noticed and hopefully start doing more. You need to focus on his manhood. That's what he feels is gone right now.

counseling is not completely out of the picture. most churches offer free marriage counseling services. look into it. me and my hubby are about to start marriage couseling at northeast christian church.

I toldly understand how your felling honey . my exhusban was the same way as you are saying you husban is . my kids are now 16, 15, 14 .so i realy remember what that way like . i worked all day and was still the primary care giver at home it was like i never had time to my self . my house was never clean unless i did it. when my babys were little 2, 9 mon and i was pregant again i came home from work on day my husban a sleep on the foor and my babys up playing around . i went to pick up my 9mon . and found she had no dipper on . her 2 yr sister had desited she needed her dipper changed and it had poo in it and she tried to clean her up she had used the box of baby wipes and the was poo baby wipes every were and a dirty diper up side down on the carpet . i was so mad i started yelling at my husban . i mad him clean up the mess . after that i started leaving alist of thing that need to be done every day . but you now men and of course that was never done ether . i would try to talk to him and nothing seem to help . my last resort was bringing in the mother - in- laws that was all it took . they told him if i was the one working he could at least have the hose clean when i came home and the kids taking care of . when i came home . after about a week of his mom and his step mom who was a big motivater he turned a round . so i guess my suggestion would be talking to him if that don't work call the mothers and seek there help if they can . he will get the hint after awail .

Men are like having a dog.(No offense to anyone) but with my husband...... even if everything he did that day was wrong I have to say...."Good job on (insert something)then I can say a little later. You know I am glad you did ________ tomorrow can you also add __________.

Good luck...
May the force be with you. :)

Health insurance usually helps with counciling. Maybe if he got out and looked for a job it may make things better!

You have to tell your husband how you feel and why you feel that way. You can look into counseling that is paid by insurance or based on your income. You have to make time for you and your husband or it can harm your marriage. My husband and I have 5 kids, ages 16, 15, 11, 10, and 9. We make it a point to try to go out at least twice a month just the two of us. Sometimes its nothing but dinner together. You have to put your marriage first or your children suffer.

Well first if you are unable to talk to him, maybe ask him what day and time the two of you can schedual a half or whole hour discussion time. This way he at least can be ready and prepare for it. Make it a weekly thing to discuss bills, kids, work, house, etc.... Tell him to write down everything he would like to discuss so nothing is overlooked. Instead of also saying I want you to do this and this and this. Try saying I need help. And then tell him how you need certain things done so you can do whatever when you are home. Also there are programs that have counseling that go by your income or maybe even find some free. Try calling a C.A.P.E, Family & Children Services Division and if there is an state mental health center. I wish you the best of luck.

E.
My husband and I were/ are in the same situation and I think that there is always a soultion... NOT ALWAYS EASY!! We also didn't have much money and I was staying home and things weren't working out!! So I started working nights and that has seemed to help us. I was feeling maybe like your husband, I was alone and expected to do everything including taking care of things that my husband usually did! And he thought that he didn't have to do anything because he worked all day and I stayed home. So what we did was sat down and I gave him a chor list of things that I usually didn't get to after all my cleaning and such. This really helped us out.

AS far as going out on a date I would plan everything and when it's time for him to get ready tell him what is going on and have a great night!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this...It sounds to me like your husband is having a really tough time dealing with the "role reversal" and he is taking out resentment on you. I do not really have any good advise for this except to see if maybe he can find a job where he is bringing home a pay check. I know that my husband would be lost if he was not "working" even though being home with the kids is a lot of work. Men have their whole self asteem wrapped up in whether or not they are working and supporting the family...(or atleast this is something that I have noticed in men)...they just look at the whole work issue differently than women do.
Anyway, I know that when I am upset about BIG issues, little issues become a big deal as well...that may be why your husband is yelling at you about EVERYTHING!

Anyway, I hope that helps and I hope you guys can find a way to comunicate...

We are here for you!

OMG! You have 3 children, work full-time, and have to worry about the house too? As far as counseling, you should be able to get counseling from a church in your area. Maybe your husband should get a job, try and find a pre-school in the area, or a trusted daycare. You definitely need some time to yourself, and some time with your husband. It's no wonder that you are at each others throats. Men have big egos, so he probably feels less than a man for the fact that you are now the breadwinner in the family, and when you say anything to him, it's probably exaccerbating his already low self esteem and guilt. Your stress level has to be really high, but have you tried sitting down and talking calmly?

I had to LOL at the fantasy football as I think a lot of us wives can sypmathize with you. Although 5 teams sounds overly excessive. I think I would have a calm sit down with your husband. Don't try to debate things when he is upset or right when you come home and find a mess. You need to do it under happy and calm terms or he will never listen. Maybe get a notebook and you guys can write back and forth to each other. That way you guys can get the things you want to say out and the other has time to digest it before they respond. It can also turn into a place to leave short love notes. I think I would also start praising him on the things he is doing right. Give him some credit on the things that do get done (I hope there is one or two) And when you approach him about the things you don't like try to make it a positive. Like the fantasy football. Instead of nagging my DH I like to point out how much I miss him when he sits at the computer all day and I wish we could have some fun together because I enjoy spending time with him. Positive reinforcement works so much better...you would be surprised! Good luck

Is it possible that your husband is not happy about being home?
I know my husband says he would love to be in that position, but I feel that he would get some what depressed of just being a house husband.
I know that talking calmly doesn't happen that much, or so it sounds.
Is it possible that you don't do the house work....just let it go, and when he realizes it needs to be done, he will do it...
I had to do this with my husband, he works second shift, I work first. I was tired, and dragging my son to the store after work got real old - and using my only day off to do it did too. i finally stopped going. He got the hint when there was nothing to eat, he made a list and went. He now does it, with me even asking - and he asks me what I want from the store...
Stand up for yourself - and maybe make clear what you did in the house while he was working....

would it work for yall to try a night out with just the 2 of yall to reconnect?

EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK THAT BEING A STAY AT HOME MOM IS EASY ON THE MOMS AND SOMETIMES IT ACTUALLY COMES NATURAL TO MOMS.....BUT IF YOUR HUSBAND IS NEW TO BEING A STAY AT HOME DAD, HE PROBABLY DOESNT GET WHAT HES SUPOSSED TO BE DOING. I MEAN IF IT WERE A NORMAL 9-5 PAID JOB THEN HE WOULD KNOW WHAT WAS EXPECTED OF HIM RIGHT OFF THE BAT. I KNOW ANOTHER POST REGARDED YOUR HUSBAND AS A MOOCHER BUT IT WOULDNT BE THAT WAY IF YOU WERE THE ONE AT HOME AND MEN SHOULD NOT BE MADE TO FEEL THAT WAY EITHER. HELP YOUR HUSBAND ADJUST TO BEING THE AT HOME DAD. TALK ABOUT WAYS HE CAN MAKE IT EASY ON HIMSELF AND YET KEEP THE KIDS SAFE AND THE HOUSE FROM BEING TORN A PART.....BUT DONT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.ITS NOT WORTH IT TO YOU OR YOUR FAMILY. AND AS FAR AS HOW YOU FEEL....TELL HIM!!!!! AND TELL HIM THAT YOU WILL BE RESPECTED AS WILL HE. YOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE BETTER FOR IT IN THE END. REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE LASH OUT AT OTHERS WHEN THEY FEEL OVERWHELMED OR HELPLESS THEMSELVES SO HE MIGHT FEEL JUST AS CRAZY AS YOU FEEL AT TIMES. ALTHOUGH IF YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT WILLING TO STOP YELLING AT YOU, DO NOT BE WILLING TO STAY WITH HIM. AN OCCASIONAL ARGUMENT IS ONE THING BUT YOU DESERVE TO FEEL LOVED AND SECURE IN YOUR HOME AS DO YOUR CHILDREN. GOOD LUCK.

Hi E.,

First, I can understand and sympathize!

Second, something that really helped me with talking to my husband (who also went into super defensive mode every time i tried to talk to him) was the book "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. It really makes it easier to understand why they are so touchy about some things and not others and how to approach them to get your needs met.

Good Luck!

Kim F~ I love your ideas!!

My daughter is 4 months old, and we are in the same situation. I am working full time and he stays home with her during the day. When I get home, I am still responsible for cooking, cleaning, bath time, and bed time. Plus my husband never gets up with her at night. It is difficult. I have no advice and wish someone had a simple answer to this growing problem-Role Reversal! Good luck and let me know if you find out a solution :)