I called my sister this morning to see how she was doing. Her children were home from school today. I also called to talk about having Thanks giving dinner at my house, and to just chat a bit. My sister is not the talkative type unless it concerns her, and on her own time. As I was talking I heard some sighs as if she was impatient or uninterested in what I had to say (she does this often, even as a kid she was like this). I changed the subject immediately and got into something else hoping that she would participate, but not. Then I asked her what the problem was and she said, "my kids (10 years old now) are home from school today, and they are waiting for me to play with them, I can't talk about these things with you. Then I said to her boo-hoo go play with your BIG kids and I hung up. The thing is I know this is probably my fault, but we're both living overseas at the monment and don't have our parents or other sister near us. We live in the same county, but I hardly see her because she lives way out in the suburbs. So I was hoping we could somehow start to be more in touch with each other, not. It's not happening, never did, never will. Since I moved here she has visited me only once, because she said that her kids will probably get bored being at my place. We don't have enough toys for them to play.Note, she has a huge playroom. In any event I'm upset that she does this to me often. Never interested in what I have to say.Only when it suits her, or her kids are at school. When she calls she wants my undivided attention and I give it to her even when my children are climbing all over me. Not any more though. Thanks for hearing me out. I don't think I'd like to invite her to my dinner. I'd rather have her husband come alone than her he's a much sweeter person.
All I can say is you gals are good. Very understanding. She hasn't tried calling and neither have I. I'm sure by the end of the week we'll have put things past us and everything back to normal. You are right though, she'll never change.She was distant from me as a kid, she even does this with her mother and father-in-law. They're at their wits end too with her. They really don't know their own grandchildren. As far as me taking my niece and nephew out for some bonding time. It's totally impossible. She never let's them go. She's extremely attached to them. There's a lot more to this, another time then. Thank you ladies...
You know how she is, she isn't going to change and your comment was kinda rude. Her kids wanted to play with her you didn't need to make a snide comment becasue you wanted her attention. Call her and apologize, ask if she has time to talk and try again.
My friend does this to me too... I'll often be in the middle of something... chasing around screaming kids or whatever, late and trying to run out the door, and she'll call and unload and start chatting... not even once asking if it's a good time for me to talk, or what I'm up to.
I am like your sister, ho-humming on the other side of the phone and 10 minutes in, I finally have to interrupt and say, "I can't talk right now". It's that, plus I just don't like talking on the phone.
Maybe, had you asked if it was a good time for her before starting to talk, or asked if she had a few minutes to chat, and ask how she's doing first, it would have helped with that.
It does sound like she's disconnected from you all though. I don't know if you all text or facebook at all, but those things have helped me to reunite with my less active of family members. I'll just send them a quick note once or twice a week and eventually they start replying back, and we actually start to chat and get to know each other after a while. Maybe that can work for you all.
Also, since you all live kind of far, maybe you can arrange to meet each other at a local park or play area on the weekends somewhere in the middle of your cities.
She may be uninterested and snotty, but don't write her off, she's your family and families always go through ups and downs. You all may be closer one day, it just takes time for some people. Every person has their differences that we all have to learn to get along.
If your sister has caller ID, I would ask her to start screening her calls and, if she's too busy to talk to you, simply not answer your call. Nobody wants their time wasted like that. You don't want to talk to someone who isn't listening and she doesn't want to talk when there are other things she'd rather be doing. So why does she even bother answering? There have been MANY times when I've let my cell go to voicemail (even if I'm extremely close to the person calling...heck, even if it's my husband!) because I have something else going on or I just don't feel like talking. I always call back, though, and that works fine for everyone.
If you suggest this to your sister, one of two things can happen. She'll either be more courteous and attentive when she's talking to you (realizing that she CHOSE to take the call) or she'll simply stop answering the majority of your calls. The second possibility would suck, of course, but what are you really losing? A relationship that wasn't there to begin with?
I have one of those sisters. It really is sad. I really can't give you any advise and as sad as it is we have only spoken once or twice in over three years. I keep praying someday she will want to be in my life, but it really would be a miracle if she did.
wow, families! i can say she sounds like a cruddy sister, very self involved...but then a lot of people are like that. you are right to try to let it go and go on with your life. maybe someday she will realize the value of family. but then, some people never grow up. i'm sorry you two aren't close.
Wow, I could have written this about my family, some of the other posts too! I hope this is at least making you feel like you're not the only one in this boat. I have two sisters who live out of state, we talk and the phone and get along fine. My brother lives 15 minutes away and I only see him a couple of times a year, at family functions. I had a really hard time adjusting to this and seeing our relationship drift apart.
For my own sanity, as I would recommend to you, I had to accept the relationship as is, not as how I wanted it. Though he is not a bad person, he and his wife are fairly self-absorbed and usually only talk about themselves. Whenever I've had expectations of them, they let me down. For Thanksgiving, for example, I used to invite them and try to plan things together and hope they would be so excited to spend time together, and I was always let down. This year, I e-mail them and said Thanksgiving is at 3pm at my house, bring a salad. Let me know if you can make it. That was it- funny thing is the result was the same from their end!
So maybe it's time to accept that you won't have the relationship you thought you would, but the one you DO have is ok. It doesn't sound like she's done anything horrible, but she's not how you hoped she would be. And that's ok. Hopefully she would be there for the really big issues, but not so much the little ones. I would still invite her to Thanksgiving, and 'try out' a new perspective. Lower your expectations and see if you feel any different. Sorry to spend so much time giving you my story, but having been in your shoes, I really liked hearing others' experience.
My brother is the same way, but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. He's not interested in me or my life and he doesn't like my husband. We finally had it out several years ago with me deciding that his approval/friendship is not important to me, so I should stop trying. We didn't speak for 6 months and he was the one that reached out. I figured that was the best I was going to get. I decided to accept that olive branch, but I knew it would never be the same. I did it so my kids could know their Uncle and his family. We still only see each other two times a year, and we live 20 minutes from each other. I see my out of state friends more often.
I agree with the others that said when you do call her, ask if it's a good time or say you only need a few minutes. I would still invite her and her family over for Thanksgiving. And I would also seek other friends that are interested in you and what you have to say. I would stop seeking your sister's approval or friendship though. Take a few steps back, take some deep breaths and see what happens.
Good luck.
Why don't you focus on the kids instead? Take them for a few hours and do something fun with them one day. My nieces and nephews are the joy of my life next to my kids.
I look at this differently. I think you're the one who is self absorbed. Your sister sounded busy. She wanted to play with her kids. When she calls and your kids are all over you, excuse yourself and go play with your kids. Sisters don't always get along. And you're not going to change and neither is she. So focus on the kids.
Dear Irene, Seems like you have made your decision. It is sad that sisters cannot get along. It is obvious that you have different personalities. We cannot choose family members. I personally feel very strong about family ties and as the eldest, I may swallow my feelings to keep family together. I do wish you a Good Thanksgiving.... Grandma Mary
she is not going to change - and nothing you do will make her. give of yourself what you feel comfortable giving, and then move on.
How sad for you. All I can say is it is what it is and move on and enjoy your
life. IMO life is way too short for this kind of stuff. She is the one that is
missing out. Someday she will regret it. Make Thanksgiving dinner very
special for your family.
