I Screwed Up

I guess all you can do is apologize and don't make the same mistake again.

Seriously, I don't get it--my husband travels a lot for work. Right now he's out of the country. He texted me upon his arrival that "all is well, love you" and guess what? That's enough! I love my husband as much as any wife loves hers, but he's where he needs to be, doing what he needs to be doing. The last thing a man needs to be doing while traveling on business is getting calls, texts, questions from his wife! Let him do his job for goodness sake!
Now, a true emergency is another story....but I'm not seeing WHY it was so imperative that you get hold of him in this situation--unless it was because he didn't call when he said he would? Stuff happens...in a true emergency--someone would have contacted you!

You are completely right. Guys don't think twice about things, but we women worry, etc. I've been in the same situation with my husband when he travels. He needs to cut you some slack. How would he feel if it were reversed?

You did the right thing hun, he didn't! HE lied to you at least 3 times!!!! all in one conversation on the phone!!! Maybe you do have reason to believe he isn't being truthful about everything. I would be very careful and watch him closely. Don't worry about embarrassing him. He didn't do what he said--- you were right to be worried! I would do the same!

M

Just to verify...he said he would call you in 1/2 an hour, 3 hours pass so you call the restaurant because he didn't call you. Don't let him manipulate you into feeling bad for trying to find out if he is okay. If he let that embarass him, he is being a weenie. I would have done what you did.

He can get over himself, truly. I've done this to my husband before. I would be concerned too if he said a half hour, and didn't call back 3 hours later. I also wouldn't have taken his attitude, either. Stand up for yourself!

Ok. I do not feel that you were paranoid at all. I have the same thoughts about my husband and it has nothing to do with him doing anything "wrong". It has to do with bad things happen all the time in the world, in our cities, in our neighborhoods. It's hard not to think that after 3 hours of not calling when he said he would call in 30 minutes, that something might be wrong.

My husband and I had to sit down and talk about it. I asked him... what is the time period that I should wait before doing something. (he would travel a lot and wanted to know how long he should be missing before I call the cops. Smile). We came up with an agreed amount of time and he seems to understand now when I freak out if he's gone longer than he said he would be without calling me with an update.

You didn't screw up. He did.

Since in your retelling of the story you didn't accuse him of cheating, I would say his reaction was over-the-top and suspect.

I would watch him like a hawk from this point forward. Something about his reaction doesn't sit well with me.

Hey, he said he would call you in 1/2 hour and it had been 3. He needs to be grateful you were worried about him.

He shouldn't have lied about leaving the restaurant, walking to the hotel, and that he'd call you in half an hour. THREE LIES in one conversation. I don't think you reacted wrongly. If he had done what he said, he could have been mugged, harmed, lost, etc - so he should have understood your concern. Seeing that he DID in fact lie to you on 3 separate important instances - my suspicion radar would be really high, and his behavior in being caught in those lies would have made it MUCH worse.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO HIM, you are not the one lying to their spouse.

My husband used to do this kind of thing. It took a long time for me to learn how to handle the situation. Now when he gets all goofy like this I just laugh because it really is ridiculous. I break the tension with something off the wall like, "Actually I was calling to tell you I won the lottery and now I'm not going to share it."

I think the key is in staying calm and not tying into the argument to begin with. I tell my husband if I thought he was having an affair I wouldn't be calling him, I'de be hunting him. Talk to him when things calm down. I'm sure you will work it out.

I think we get too tied to the phones/communication devices.
I remember life before cell phones and answering machines.
(Heck, where I grew up we had a party line. Us teens had to share with gossipy old ladies who HAD to discuss their soap operas for 3 hours every day.)
I remember not being able to talk to anyone unless they were home, they heard it ringing and they bothered to answer their phone.
When I'm out working in the garden - my cell phone stays inside the house (otherwise I'm likely to accidentally bury it).
I think it's healthy to 'unplug' sometimes and not be at anyone's beck and call.
When my husband's on travel, he calls me at bed time, tells me what he had for dinner and what he's watching on tv.
We have an established code for emergencies.
If either of us texts '911' we know to drop everything and call NOW (and this is for life/death, we're heading to the hospital, we were in an accident type things).
You called because you were worried, and he doesn't really have anything to be embarrassed about - it will remind him to charge his phone so it doesn't happen again. It'll blow over before you know it.
Just relax and look forward to his homecoming.

Well: he said he was walking back to the hotel , so what he was doing still in the restaurant after all those hrs.?

You didn't screw up at all. He told you he was headed back to the hotel, so even if his phone died, he should have finished going to the hotel, plugged his phone in, and called you back.

How did he end up staying at the restaurant for another 3 hrs if he was already on his way to the hotel? Seems odd.

Oh dear. I did the same thing to my husband 30 years ago, before we had cell phones. I was having a drink after a night meeting and it was late and I should have called him. I lost track of time. He was worried for me and called several friends and woke them up, to no avail. I can tell you that when I got home, he was very upset, having even called the police, and I'm sorry to say that I reacted somwhat as your husband did. I was fine, I didn't see what the big deal was, I was MORTIFIED that he called my friends' houses. I felt betrayed. I know that doesn't make much sense in hindsight, as I was the one who was inconsiderate. I did not handle that evening or next day graciously and the mood in the house was thick. The good news is that I agreed to always call him if I were going to be late and I always have. My best to you both.

I totally agree with Katie about the "weenie-ism." What if you were away with no phone and two and a half hours late with the check in phone call. That's just common courtesy between spouses. Would you have been embarrassed, or would you have felt bad for making him worry?

Why is he freaking out and embarraseed? If he's embarrassed, he can tell his associates that his wife needed his advice on some private matters or something, or he can own up to HIS mistake that he promised he would call in 30 mins so you would know he got to the hotel safe, but he didn't call after 3 hours. MOST people would understand that, including Neanderthal men.

Reassure him you weren't thinking he was cheating, but that maybe something had happened to him and were just worried and missing him.

I don't know, I guess I don't see what the big deal is here. But my husband is gone for a full week once every other month or so on work, so I guess I'm used to it.

.

What did we ever do before we could be in contact with every one of our loved one 24 hours a day? Yes, you messed up. You treated him like a child by calling to check up on him. He is a grown man and he can make his own decisions and not have to call you...but he messed up, too, by saying flippantly that he would call and then not. He probably thought nothing of it until his name was called out in the bar. I would have been mortified. Hopefully by tomorrow his anger and embarassment will have subsided and you can tell him that you were just worried, not suspicious.

I do not why he got upset... it is normal to check if your husband is OK after he said he will call at certain time and didn't. Unless you said something along the jealous lines when you got hold of him.... I do not think he has a point here. Is cheating an issue in your family? Otherwise I think he overacted.

On the other hand, if I was in your shoes and my husband's phone died and he was at the restaurant with his coworkers and promised to call in 1/2 hour - I would probably forget all about him and go to bed. I am used to my husband traveling a lot and it is usually up to him to contact me because I do not even keep track where he is going I only mark on my calendar when he is leaving and returning so I can have food and beer and be ready with his clothes.

If your husband was with the company why were you worried? May be you are not used to him traveling. Trust me it is not scary at all. They fly or drive, work, go out to drink and eat, come late and pass out in a nice room with fresh sheets till morning... nothing to worry about. If he went missing the coworkers would notice and alert the authorities and you.

Hope you will be OK.

I didn't read all the responses, but it's normal to be worried. My husband found something on craigslist and went to check it out. My daugther and I were in the car waiting for him. We were taking a nap in the car but it took so long, I actually called just to ask are you ok. You never know what is out there. Just hearing his voice knowing he is safe was all I needed. Call me paranoid, but I rather be safe than sorry. He was after all going into a stranger's house. Anything can happen.

I read and reread your piece and asked my husband what he thought before i said what i thought and here goes. Hubby says HE IS CHEATING Y? bc he is making you feel like the bad person for being concerned. he should have called you and let you know he made it backto the hotel bc he said he would. Ok my thoughts. You said.

I know he went out to eat and he told me by text that he was walking back to the hotel and he would call me in a 1/2 hour. 3 hours later I still can't reach him. I looked up the restaurant and called them and he was still there.

if he told you via text that he was walking abck to the hotel and 3 hours later he is still at the restaurant SOMETHING does NOT add up!!! I think you have every right to panick and freak out and if I was You I would REALLY be second guessing him and maybe not be as trusting with everything that just unfolded. I am sorry this is going on and you feel bad keep your head up and know that you ARE not the only one that would of done waht you did!!! Good Luck

You didn't screw up. You were worried about him and made sure he was OK. Just let him know you did it because you love him, and you wanted to know he wasn't lying dead in a ditch somewhere. I really don't understand why others at the bar would look at him like a leper. Seems like a pretty high-school petty thing to do if they were. Nitwits.

He'll cool down and this will be over. For now, just work on relaxing, knowing that you had a good reason to call, that you do trust him but that you were scared. Tomorrow he will probably be able to hear that. And you'll no doubt have a good laugh over it in a few years time.

I do think he's being overly sensitive. Is he known at that restaurant because he's traveled and eaten there before? If so I could better understand his embarrassment.

This is not your problem. You had a good and legitimate reason to call. How he sees the call and responds to it is his problem. So, stop feeling bad about it. Know you did what seemed best at the time for your own piece of mind and let go of feeling bad about him.

I do wonder if fidelity or trust has been an issue even in a minor way before this. Is he feeling guilty? Frequently when someone puts another on the defensive, as he has you, it's to take the focus off of them and what they're doing or not doing.

Does he not have a phone charger with him? Will he be home soon so you can be at rest over his safety? If you know where he's staying, I might call tomorrow; not tonight while he's still upset, and tell him that you're just worried about his safety. Tell him you love him, miss him, etc. Build him up with your love.

Apologize profusely, tell him you were suffering a bit of a panic attack, and it had nothing to do with you thinking he was cheating.

I think you have anxiety issues.

It sounds like you are having separation anxiety. Is he away from home a lot or is this a rare thing? Have you had a bad experience while traveling or maybe in the past there has been a breech of trust?

A lot can be going on here. If it was genuine concern, simply apologize to him for embarrassing him, but remind him that you love him very much and were truly concerned that something may have gone wrong since he was in another town. If he is still angry with you, then you may need to access the situation better. Men act defensively when they are caught in the act.

In the mean time, just breathe. You are human.

Just tell him you are sorry, you were worried, and don't sweat it. I mean it isn't the most drastic thing in the universe for a woman to be looking for her man! When we were first married my hubby had a couple warrents out for some unpaid tickets and he had an expired inspection sticker. So he goes to the barber to get a haircut and like 4 hours later still isn't back and he wasn't answering his cell. So what do I do, I go cruisin' the neighborhood to see if maybe his truck was left empty or something, thinking maybe a cop saw him and picked him up, we have lots of patrol in our neighborhood. So I see his truck parked in front of a shop and what do I do???? I pull in, scoop up the baby (our firstborn), and bust in there with no make up on, flip flops and a baby on my hip!!! Oh girl, you could have heard a pin drop!! Not to mention that I am white, he is black and this was a barber shop with mostly black folks. They looked at me like I was lost!!! And of course I don't just wave, I was like "Baby, I've been calling you!!" Yeah, he was embarrassed, but hey life goes on. If he is upset just tell him your are sorry and if it is going to be so late could he please try and find a way to call. I have come to realize that if the worst has happened, the police will call you, and me going bananas trying to find him won't help one bit. So I don't worry, and if I do, I pray for him and then move on. Sometimes, especially for work, they get so caught up. Now after a few years of marriage my man usually finds a way to catch up with me. Just assure him you were worried and that was it and let it go!!

Did you screw up? Heck NO! Why was he embarrassed? Did the manager of the restaruant find him and tell him, "Your wife is on the phone because she can't get ahold of you, you need to call her now"? I doubt it. At the most, they may have announced his name over an PA. How the heck does that make someone feel like a child? 3 hours is an awful long time for a spouse to wait for a phone call. Bet if the situation was reversed he would be just as worried. He is a bit too defensive in my opinion. But I am not familiar with your entire situation. In no way would I let my husband blame me. I would be on the phone probably yelling at him for making me worry so much. Take a deep breath, and remember, you did not screw up.

I don't think you screwed up! I would have done the same thing! Thankfully you had/ knew the place to be able to look it up and be able to call him. Your better than I am cause once I found out he was ok, my fears would have turned straight to anger! Cause he could have called you from the hotel or plugged his phone in ( if going 6 hours away, over night Im sure he brought his phone charger or most hotels if asked have extra ones from others who have left them behind) waited the 1/2 hours and actually called you, like he said he would. Don't feel bad Im a worrier also! If he is embarassed he shouldn't be, he should feel blessed and loved that you love him enought to double check to make sure he is ok!

Ooops, he should have called when he said he would. Exactly what Kate said.
Did he get mugged? Nope, just siting there bs'in while your worrying out him. Men.

He sounds terribly defensive. He should just shrug his shoulders, look sheepish and proudly exclaim " she just can't get enough of me!"

"Me thinks thou doth protest too much." I'm concerned by his reaction. Why on earth would he "accuse" you of not trusting him when he was soooo late in calling you when he said he would? Seems over the top to me. Makes me wonder if he felt guilty about something. Anyway, hopefully it was just the alcohol talking and things will smooth over by the time he returns. In the meantime, you have NO reason to apologize or feel like you screwed up. You didn't. When you stop caring is when he will need to worry about you!

First thing comes to my mind is for you to stop beating yourself up over this, we human's can worry over the smallest thing sometimes, sometimes it's necessary other times not, but the most important thing is that you know your reasoning and either he'll get it or not. Let it go and move on.
He'll get over it too.

You did NOT screw up. My husband has done the same type of inconsiderate behaviour to me so many times. However many times when I was growing up ( before cell phones) my mom would forget to call my dad. She would be at her sisters house. A couple times we got lost for hours driving home from somewhere. My dad was frantic. My parents got in a big fight my mom did not think it was a big deal.
However if your the one at home waiting it can be daunting. Just tell him your mind played the worse case scenario and you needed to hear he was ok.

I'd let him know that you're sorry if you made him feel embarrassed that you called to see if he was okay...tell him next time you won't bother & hope he's not in trouble when his phone dies & you'll wait the standard 24 hrs before filing a report. Maybe that will teach him a lesson in appreciation of you making sure he's okay rather than being petty & childish & assuming you were thinking he's a cheat. Good luck!