I Want My Daughter Back from My Mom

SO, you want her back, why?
So she can live with you and a BF you don't want or love?
So she can become your friend, since you have none?
So you can live in a car with her?
So she can be poor, have no money, no food, no roof over her head?
YOU have not grown. YOU are not a responsible person. YOU would not be a good mom for your daughter.
Here's an idea. Leave the boyfriend. Get a job. Get an apartment. Get an education. START having some kind of relationship with your daughter.
THEN come on here and talk to us about wanting to get your child back.

You are coming from a place of desperation - which is no good place to be raising a child.
You're talking about living out of a car - which you don't have - and you want to bring your child into this?
You need an education, a job, and to stand on your own without the boyfriend - who really sounds like he's backed you into a corner - controlling you - isolating you - keeping you helpless - the relationship sounds very abusive and unhealthy.

You need to be mature enough to call a womens shelter and leave this guy - and never go back to him!
You need to be able to support your family.
And then spend several years learning who you are outside of a relationship and healing emotionally so you don't make the same mistake in the next relationship.
You spend that time focusing on raising your daughter.
That means having a job, having a place to live, taking care of child care, buying her food and clothing, doctors appointments, school needs, etc.
If you really have matured - you'll put what's best for your daughter above your wants and needs and fantasies.
And for right now the best and most stable place for your daughter is with your Mom.
Be grateful your Mom is taking care of her - not every grandmother is up to the task.
First get to a womens shelter, then get a job and a place to live.
Start paying your Mom some child support - I'm sure she could use it.
Get to know your daughter - you're a stranger to her right now.

You have two separate things going on.

1. You want your daughter back.
2. You don't want to be with your boyfriend.

You must provide a stable, safe and secure place for your child. Not just a roof but the kind of person you are and who you choose to spend your time with in the way of family and friends. You have excuses as to why you can't leave your bf. Please stop making excuses. Plan your work and work the plan.

You don't even mention if you have been in your daughter's life up until now. While you may be longing for her, if her needs are being met by yout mother then she will probably not be longing for you. Doesn't mean she doesn't need you, it just means you are a stranger to her and your mom has been mom to her. It is better to be loved by 1 to be loved by none.

Please don't be selfish but think about what is best for your little girl. Get yourself stable and do every legal and moral thing to make that happen for you. Begin to establish relationship with your daughter and perhaps in the future she can transition to being with you but give it time. You haven't been around for 5 years. Why not give it a 5 year transition time where you are learning about her and her needs while working to fulfilling them?

Step 1 develop a plan of exit from the BF.
Step 2 learn about parenting.
Step 3 get a stable home environment for yourself with her in mind
Step 4 establish relationship with her
Step 5 create loving and healthy friendships with others because it does take a village to raise a child.

You have some things to think about and some work to do. Try not to get caught up in your emotions but plan things out and work on those things. It's time to grow up and become responsible.

Don't know if he's abusive, but perhaps contact a woman's shelter. They may be able to help you put a plan together.

How much contact do you have with your mom/child? Get out of the bad relationship. Build a relationship with your mother.

This is going to be blunt, but if you are not in a good enough relationship with your mom to talk to HER about this, then I don't know if you're ready to be a parent.

And realize, your mother has been the child's MOTHER for the child's entire life. You are a biological parent, but you are NOT her mother - you have not filled that role. You may only end up with a relationship like an aunt - but if you TRUELY love your child, you will do what's best for THE CHILD. It's not about you alone.

You were the best mother possible when you left her with your mother. Your daughter is in a stable environment. You are not. You are in no position or condition to mother this child.

You need to work on you first. Get out of this relationship. Will your mother let you move in with her and your daughter? If not, go to a shelter if you have to. Get with a counselor see what your options are. Get yourself a job and training and/or education.

You are responsible for you. Do NOT drag your daughter into this mess. Honestly, I don't think a court would give you custody at this time.

Work on you first and prove you are responsible. Visit your daughter as much as possible. Build a relationship with her by showing her how hard you are working to be the best Mommy possible. That is where you start.

I'm sure that you think about her, but the reason you think about her is the problem, C.. You have nothing but this awful guy in your life and you wish for something else.

Why don't you try to patch things up with your mom and go home? Tell your mom that you are willing to go to counseling with them to help facilitate this. Tell her that you will get a job, any job, if that would help. And then work your buns off to save money. You may need to pay her rent, and that would be fair.

Did you finish high school? Did you go to college? If you can get back into school and get financial aid, you would have something to live off of and you'd be getting your education too.

I know this all seems like a pipe dream in your current situation. But it's a process that only YOU can start.

The thing is, before you can be a mother, you have to fix your own life. Stop thinking in terms of wanting your baby. Think in terms of wanting to fix what you broke by putting yourself in this guy's life.

Nothing in your post explains why your child would be better off with you. A good mom puts her child's welfare before her own desires. How do you measure up?

C.,

Welcome to mamapedia...

You need to get on your own two feet. Stop making excuses. And start doing.

1. Find a W.'s shelter.
2. Get enrolled in a college and get an education.
3. Get on the list for section 8 housing.
4. FINISH your degree.

You have options. If your mom took in her granddaughter, she might take you back as well. However, that would mean that you MUST own up to your mistakes and tell your mom you are willing to sign a contract and be responsible.

Being responsible means making better decisions. It means losing the boyfriend. Your not having any friends? It's a HUGE red flag. Does that mean your boyfriend isolated you from friends?? If so? You need to ensure that you NEVER contact him again.

Get counseling. Find out WHY you made the decisions you made. Find out what you need to do for yourself to ensure you don't make the same decisions again.

You're still young. The ONLY person who can help you, is YOU. I hope you have a strong belief in God. I would find a good church and start going. Get into a young W.'s group so you can get the RIGHT people around you.

You know what you want. Now YOU have to take control. Leave. Whether it be to a W.'s shelter or to your mom's house. You need to leave. Get your life on track.

Good luck!

Honey, you aren't ready to be a mom yet. You need to get your life in order first. You don't have a stable environment in which to raise your child.

Here are my thoughts on this. It might be hard to read, but really. You need to HEAR this....Please know you will be ripping your child from the only mother/care giver she has ever known. I might be jumping to conclusions here, it doesn't sound like you have been in regular contact with your child or your mom. Does your child know you are her mother? If not? Why would you want to shock her like this? She's five. It sounds pretty selfish to me. I'm sorry. I really am. This is not just about you. This is about your child and your mom as well. WHY do you want her back?

You really need to figure out why you want your daughter back. This isn't like you're in high school any more. Where girls believe that if they have a baby, the baby will love her always and forever unconditionally. Then reality sets in. The baby cries. The baby has needs. You're still a teen and haven't even graduated high school yet. Now, you SAY you're a grown woman. that means you need to be able to stand on your own two feet, have a job, a place to stay to be able to take care of your child.

You need to cut all ties with this boyfriend. There are always options. You just need to think outside your box and stop using fear to keep you from making decisions.

I don't know about public transportation in Texas. That's should be an option.

Others have told you to move back in with your mom. Why not start there? Why not pick up the phone right now and call her and tell her you've come to the conclusion you need to grow up and want to grow up.

Do you have a plan? Do you know what you want to do? What skills do you have? What can you do to provide for yourself and a child? If you don't have any? You need to find out what interests you and then get a degree or certification in it. See if there are any internships you can do to help get your foot in the door.

I hope you graduated high school. If you did, please get to a college or university. There are grants you can get to help pay for your education.

You need to be a good role model for your child. That means learning from your mistakes. You will never get this time back, you can only learn from it and not repeat it. Get counseling as others have suggested.

I wish you much luck. Please get a plan, don't be swayed back into your boyfriends life, be all that you can be, not only for you, but for your child.

No car? Use public transportation.
No Education? If no High School diploma check into a GED program, Job Corps, etc. Local colleges may be able to point you to programs.
Have a HS diploma - go to college. Start with community college - if you have no income you would be eligible for Pell grants etc.
No Job? Use that public transportation and go start applying for jobs. Doesn't matter if you only get paid minimum wage - it is a start.

Stop thinking about how life could/would be and start doing something to make it like that.

Do you have any type of relationship with your daughter?
Does your mother have custody? What type?
Do you have visitation? Do you use it?

You obviously have internet access (since you are here) - use that as your gateway and research jobs, education, housing, parenting - everything you will need.

I can solve all your problems, move back in with your mom.

You have to get yourself into a different place in life before you can ever begin to think about getting your daughter back. You need to leave your boyfriend. You need to work on getting skills to have a stable job and a steady paycheck that is enough to support a child. You need a place to live that is stable and income for food, bills, a phone, after school activities or child care. You will need to prove yourself to your mom and to the courts (if called for). So...start today. Make a plan. Get into dental assistant school or physical therapist school or some kind of hospital tech school...what are you interested in that you would also be able to provide for yourself and a family? Look into things that have a 2 year program. Put yourself through some kind of school/training in order to then get a better job, your own place with a room for your daughter, a vehicle, car, etc. Give yourself a goal of 3 years and keep communicating with your mom this whole time. Visit your daughter every chance you get and you will one day be ready.
I just want to add: This will be very hard for your daughter if you one day are ready and take her. You will have to have a transition phase where she spends longer and longer amounts of time at your house. Her whole world will be disrupted and she will be taken away from her main caregiver. So, please keep this in mind. If she one day goes to live with you this will be traumatic in it's own way and she will need to be seeing a child therapist weekly to help her. She will also need regular time with her grandma.

Do you truly believe that you would provide a better life for your child than your mother is? Being a parent is doing what is best for your child, not what you want. From what you have written, I would never place a child in your home. You need to leave your bf and get a job. Perhaps you could ask for some limited visitation.

ETA: I also think that after 5 years, even if you get your life together that it would be wrong to take your child away from the only real mother she has had. Perhaps you could function as an aunt or otherwise involved adult.

I think until you get away from your abusive boyfriend, get on your feet, and are in a stable place, your daughter is better off with her Grandma.

Living with you is not what is best for her right now. I hope you can see that.

Have you considered calling your mom and letting her know that you don't want to be with your boyfriend, but you can't get away from him? Leave your daughter out of the conversation right now and take one step at a time. You need to get out of there, and you're going to need help to do it.

Check out this page: www.youarenotcrazy.com

And also search for women's shelters in your area. Try The Salvation Army. It's going to be a LOT easier to leave without a child in the equation.

Call your mom. You've messed up. Admit it, and ask her advice on what to do to get out of the mess you're in.

ETA: Also, darling, you are 25 years old. It is time to start writing with whole words and complete sentences. We adults don't write like we are texting our bff on a Razr flip phone.

Of course you want her back. SO to do that you must become the mother she needs.

You need to be able to prove you can stand on your own two feet. Provide a home for yourself and her. Bills paid every month, food in the house all the time, electricity and gas, heat in the winter and cool in the summer.

You need to prove you can hold down a full time job with all the pluses that go with that like having transportation and insurance and gasoline when you need to go somewhere.

You need to be drug and alcohol free if that's a problem.

You need to address all mental health and physical issues that you may have. If you don't have any issues in those areas that's awesome.

You may need to get an education so you can be gainfully employed and able to support your child in the future.

If you want visitation that's a hard one. If your mom has guardianship she can say if you can visit your child in her home or not. Legally she shouldn't be letting her go with you anywhere that isn't supervised by someone. That's why she has guardianship right? You weren't able to take care of her.

If she lets her come visit you and something happens to her your mom is legally responsible for that and could have charges for knowingly allowing her to go into a situation where the child could be neglected or abused or injured.

So mom should be supervising the visits.

You are in a hard spot. You love your child.

Become the mother she needs then file a court paper asking for the guardianship to be terminated. YOU will be on trial. If YOU aren't able to support your child and take care of her you won't get her.

You should be paying your mom minimum wage child support every month too. In Oklahoma that's $168 per month. You should gladly give her that every month and more if you can. That shows you put her above yourself.

I think you have done the right thing for your daughter. If she is in a safe home with caring adults, it is more than you can give her. She deserves better than what you can offer. You need to think of her NEEDS over your WANTS.

You need to get on your feet and get your life together. Do you have a job or an education? If not, you need to start there. You're not going to get your child back with no means to support yourself and your child.

If your boyfriend is dangerous, call the national domestic violence hotline at 1−800−799−7233 and they can connect you with resources in your area that can help you find a safe place to go to get away from him as well as resources to help connect you with housing and job opportunities. You are going to have to move somewhere where you can get to work using public transportation, walk or bike until you can save up for a car. You may need to live in temporary housing until you can afford rent.

Will your parents help you out at this point or have you burned that bridge with them? If they will help you rent a place or get a car, or let you live with them and pay rent while you work, that might help but you can't do that and expect to suddenly play mommy to the child you abandoned and who they are raising for you.

At the end if the day, my heart goes out to you but this is life. You are living the consequences of your choices. If you want the outcome to change, it's time to do the hard work of becoming an independent adult and maybe, if you can really get your life together to a point where you can support yourself and a child, it might be appropriate to consider re-establishing a relationship with your child and becoming more of a primary caregiver in her life. But you can't jump in now and play mommy. That ship has sailed. What's best for your daughter and what's best for you probably won't be the same thing for a long time, but if you turn your life around and prove that you really can be mature, independent and stable over a period of several years, and that you really have grown up, you'll be in a better position to be able to offer a relationship to your daughter that adds to and enriches her life, instead of just complicating it.

i don't buy it.
and if it's real, wanting to drag your 5 year old into a dysfunctional home with a bf who makes you 'snap out' (???), no phone, no friends and no job?
no.
but i think this is BS.
khairete
S.

Sorry sweetie, you are in no position to care for your child. Please go to a women's shelter, get some counseling, a job, reliable transportation, a home and reconnect with your mom, family and friends. Once you have done all those things you may be able to become the mom you always wanted to be. Good luck.

You are still with a bad BF, you don't have a car, you're not stable. You are not ready to get your daughter back. Go live with your mom.

You aren't in a stable place in your life. Your daughter deserves stability. Work on getting your life in a place that is healthy so maybe you can share custody at some point. Your Mom has been her everything and to upset that without something solid to offer her is irresponsible. You can do it. Just start working on yourself.

Welcome to Mamapedia!

It sounds like you have made some good first steps - you recognize that you did some things when you were young and foolish, and you recognize that your current boyfriends needs to be your ex-boyfriend. If it's possible that you are being abused or controlled by him (you have no friends, feel economically dependent, are isolated), then you need to make a plan to get out.

You don't have a phone but you obviously have access to a computer. So contact a help center. Two you can look at are:
the National Domestic Violence center http://www.thehotline.org
or
When George Smiled https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org

If you think your computer use is being monitored, use the public library, or go to the police and get help finding a shelter. You can also go to an area church or synagogue and get help/referral from the pastor/priest/rabbi. There are many resources and caring people who will help you get to a safe place and not feel trapped.

Once you are safe, you can focus on getting a job and job skills. Many of these centers have wonderful and caring people who will help you in your community. Your state employment office will give free training for job skills and help place you.

Once you have a job, income, stability, and a roof over your head, you can start to work on getting custody of your daughter. She is not a baby anymore, so be realistic about what she needs. I don't know if you officially lost custody and cannot have visitation, or if your mother just stepped in and you are not seeing your child for logistical reasons (you're not close by, can't afford to get there, etc.). But you can get legal services to help you negotiate this. There will be a firm need for you to demonstrate your maturity and your economic status, so work on those first.

If you continue to talk about living in a car, or talk about your child being a baby, they will not think of you as having taken the necessary steps to grow up and be stable. I know you are dreaming about what life would be like, but fantasies will not help you get closer to your goal. You need to be very direct, very motivated, very focused. Your child doesn't know you, and it will be difficult to get back into her life. Many parents have done this, but they get there by showing they can take the steps, in order, and stay focused on the goal even if the goal is not obtainable right away. If someone appears to be wishing that all their troubles will just disappear, they are viewed more as being too immature. You can, and should, get counseling through any of the above resources, get some parenting classes so you can learn about 5 year olds and kids who have not lived with their biological parents for a while, and how to reintegrate to their lives.

You've made some good first steps. Don't let your desperation cloud your thinking. There is a way you can be on your own, but wishing won't make it so.

Good luck!

It would be hard on your daughter to be taken from the only caregiver she has ever really known. If you want to foster a relationship with her and get your self back on track then leave the bf and see if your mother will allow you to move in with her and the child. But, don't except to move in and start playing mom, she is no longer a baby and as far as she is concerned grandma is mom. Take it slow and built a relationship with her, let her get to know you while you get the help you need to be stable for her. Best of luck.

You can't support yourself, yet you want your daughter back?
How would you fed, clothe, educate, provide for her?
Why would you not go back to your mother?

At the very least, call a women's shelter and inquire about getting help with housing, education, job training.

If you REALLY want to be on your own and raise your child, you need to start taking steps to become stable. The first thing you need to do is get a job. Start saving your money; apply for housing assistance. You could leave him and go to a homeless shelter. Many shelters actually have counselors who help with money management, etc., and really help you get on your feet. You can't get your daughter back until you have stable. You certainly don't want to bring her into the environment you're in now; even you admit that it's not a good situation.

You need to SHOW your mom that you can and will take good care of your daughter and that you know how to do that. Don't TELL her, SHOW her.

If you don't get out and start looking for a job NOW, then you don't really want your daughter, you just miss her.

I think after living with your mom, being care for and loved by your mom for 5 years etc. it would be very traumatic for your daughter if she had to go with you. Also, think about what is in her best interest. She needs you to be healthy, stable, have an education, a job, a car, a home. You are not there yet. Work on those things and maybe you can have a bigger role in your daughter's life. Best of luck!

Leave her with your mom. Get your own life together . Go to a woman's shelter and get cleaned up. You should never pull your daughter from the only stable place she has ever known. If you really love her, let her be.