Im Torn and Confused

Do you love him?
I think that if it were me, I'd have him come where you are and start over. Sounds like he needs to cut the apron strings from his mother, he wont do that if you go back and start over right where you left off.

The guy just doesn't sound right. You knew you had to do something and you did. It's hard but once you start, you have to keep going. Don't look back.

I think I'd be done with him. Ignore his texts and calls. No one deserves to be treated the way he has treated you. He can come by you some day and have supervised visitation. I'd never, ever go back there again. Dangerous.

Don't go back. He has nothing to lose by begging and probably knows your family won't keep paying for you to fly home. Eventually you will be trapped.

Contact a domestic violence shelter or hotline and get counseling. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. Learn how to live your life as a strong independent woman.

Establish resident status and go after child support.

I have been there, done that.

You are missing what you wish he was, not who he actually is. I can guarantee that when you are feeling down, and missing him....you are thinking about the good times, not the bad.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the thing that hurts like hell. Listen to your head, not your heart....you did the right thing by leaving.

Deep breath, you took the first step! Be proud of yourself for doing the best thing for you and your daughter. Be sure to find out legally what you need to do as far as custody. Save those texts messages.

Of course he says he's "sorry." He knows exactly how to manipulate you. If you go back, it will be the same as always...probably worse. Call your phone company and get his number blocked, or change your phone number. Does he know where you are located? If not, DON'T tell him.

You got out. Stay away. He's a loser. No good for you and your daughter.

NO do not go back. If he wants to come there, move there, and get an apartment and prove himself to you then you can see where things might go. Do not for any reason pack yourself and your child up yet again and go back to an abuser. You were strong enough to leave, now be strong enough to stay away. Don't make it so convenient for him to have you back. If he really truly misses you and her then he can uproot himself and come to you.

Don't go back.
He needs some type of counseling - anger management or something. If he was abusive for the past two years he has not changed this quickly and not on his own.
You need counseling to help you get over him and realize that you are stronger and healthier without him. Your child will be stronger and healthier without him also.
You need to enroll in school. Get a degree. Get a good job. Take care of yourself and your child.
Put yourself and your child first.
Do not go back.

EDIT: Change your phone number tomorrow !!!

If you are wise you will move forward with a life without him. Going back will only be telling him to continue this behavior and you now have someone else to think about. Remember your baby doesn't have a say in this and needs you for protection. I know that he is pulling on your heart but sometimes we have to not follow our hearts and be strong and do the thing that doesn't feel good. Hang in there and make the decision that you shouldn't be treated like this from anyone at anytime.
Best Regards,
C.

Here's the problem: "If you come back, I swear I will change."

No. He has to change in order to win you back. Not the chicken and the egg here. Real easy cause and effect.

So, you tell him you need him to make some changes and improvements. In the meantime you'll be filing for full custody of your child and doing everything by the book. He, in turn, needs to undergo some counseling, anger management, and a parenting class for good measure. After a certain amount of time, you will agree to meeting a neutral location and discuss the future of your relationship.

I am not saying there is no hope for your relationship. You needed to get away. He may take that as the wake-up call he needed. But you should speak to a lawyer and have them help you draft a letter to him. Speak to a lawyer ASAP and get that letter to him.

Stay exactly where you are. Do not go anywhere. Stop taking his calls. Go to counseling for abused women. You are doing the right thing for you & your daughter. Stay strong!

Just my opinion: DO NOT go back. IF you want to work on this, have him come to Texas. Get some serious couples counseling along with parenting classes. He also needs anger management. I don't usually recommend that but it sounds like you two need to build a solid foundation if this is going to work and you don't presently have the tools to do so. Promises smosises, his track record speaks for itself. You were strong enough to leave, you are strong enough to demand a different life for you and your child. Bring him onto your turf, where you have support. If he is serious, he won't fight you on this. Again, this is just my opinion, only you can decide what is right for you. Just keep in mind your daughter is learning what kind of woman to be and how she should be treated from you.

stand firm....you know you're doing the right thing.

Find a support group, find counseling.

Research your legal rights as to moving out-of-state with your child. You need to make sure you did everything right so you don't lose her in a custody battle. I would make this your 1st priority.

words are cheap. He's sorry that you left, but if you go back he's going to repeat the same pattern unless he gets help. He needs to see a counselor. I'm worried for you because it seems that you are far from family, and it's not good to be isolated with an emotional or physical abuser. Even if he moved down to where your family is, he could spend the rest of your lives making you feel guilty for taking him away from his mother.

I can relate!! I want you to know that I was in your shoes 3 years ago and I got out and stood firm and you can too. You should feel so proud that you have taken the first step to your freedom and so many women can not do that. YOU ARE NOT MISSING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER BUT YOU ARE MISSING YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Put your best step forward and make a new comfort zone for you and your daughter. I think the first step would be to speak to a lawyer about a legal separation and get some support for your daughter. Men like your significant other never change. They do not know how to love and will never attempt the first step to change.

You should be applauded that you took the important step to show your daughter that the kind of lifestyle and relationship that you can from is not right. It would be so sad that she would repeat the cycle she was being taught. You showed your daughter that you are a strong woman and you will do whatever it takes to keep you both healthy and happy. Keep your chin up and enjoy your new found freedom. Get involved in a support group and keep yourself progressing. Never look back!! Maybe you can go to college. Keep your mind occupied and be proactive about things.

You've done what SO many other women cannot, or will not, do. You had the courage and self-worth to LEAVE an abusive man. Stay gone.

You and your daughter deserve a life of happiness, safety and peace - would you get ANY of that with him??

Stay with your family in Texas, get a lawyer and arrange for custody of your daughter and child support from her father. Do no contact him yourself - do everything through a lawyer.

Is that the kind of man you want your daughter dating or marrying one day? Because women learn how to be treated by their fathers. MANY (but not all) women who stay in abusive relationships had abusive fathers. They see their fathers belittling, controlling and abusing their mothers and learn that's how a relationship works. For the sake of your daughter, and you, please stay gone.

STAY GONE!!!!! ..this is controlling and abusive behavior...

I'm sorry. DO NOT be suckered back in by his promises to change and his rants on how much he misses you. he's got you at his mom's house because he doesn't trust you....which tells me - HE is the one doing something wrong.

DO NOT be taken in....do this on your own. DO NOT take his calls.
Get a protective order. Get permanent physical custody of the child. Since you are not married - you will have to get alimony set up... I would ensure that if he has ANY visits - they will be supervised and by someone from the court - not his family...

Good luck!

I applaud you for being so strong & at such a young age you made such a tough decision, good job.

You both have a lot of growing up to do, being such young parents. You need to figure out your absolute deal breakers in this relationship and they should include something like this & not in any order; he has to go to counseling/anger management, cannot move in together till he completes 1 yr of classes, he has to move to Texas, your family has to 'approve' of him & has to agree that he has made great changes, he has to pay child support starting now, & anything else you & your family can come up with.

Now you need to realize that he probably won't change BUT he definately won't change if you move back to Chicago. If you moved back he is going to look at you like you are weak. And if you moved back he will 'punish' you for leaving him, in other words things will be worse than before.

You made great strides & it would suck for you & your daughter if you believed him & went back so please think long & hard about anything you do & talk to someone that you can trust to give you good sound advice.

Best wishes yo you & your little girl

Please listen to what I am going to say. Look at the history of this man. Has he done what he said he was going to do??? Didn't he tell you he would never ever hurt you? He did. Didn't he say he's sorry? Yes, but he did it again--. You see the prediction of someone's future behavior is to look at their past. Unless he has undergone some huge transformation where he has gone to anger management and abuser awareness classes etc.---He hasn't changed one bit. He isn't remorseful--he is upset that you left and he got caught for doing the wrong thing.

My advice to you is do what you would do if your daughter was in the same position. Would you tell her to go back to her abuser?? Would you say that she deserves someone who is abusive??? NO. of course not. Do the same thing for you---don't go back to the man who abuses you or your child---do it for your child if your not ready to do it for you. but don't make your baby pay for her childhood by living with an abusive bf. GL

M

This is my third time trying to respond to your question. Somehow I push the wrong button and my response goes to computer Neverland. Enough.

You got out and that is good. Don't go back for any reason. Seek counsel and information from a domestic shelter as to what to do next. Right now you are an emotion wreck and have to figure out what way you want to go without him. Baby girl is your first priority and then you. Boyfriend is just that an ex boyfriend. As they say they call them that for a reason. He has anger issues and controlling issues as well as trust issues.

Stay with your family and get settled in your own place. Make your own way and become a strong independent woman that does not need a man to do things for her. In the process you will meet a person who will love you for you. Just keep your head held up high and walk the walk and talk the talk. What's that they say, "fake it till you make it." Just thing positive that you can do it and demand to be respected. Many things will happen but you have to love you and be happy with you because no one else will do that for you.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

The other S.

Yes, you are torn and confused right now because you can see it in a different light away from the area. Do a lot of deep soul searching for what you want and you will find it.

Sounds like you did the right thing. Stay strong! The phone calls and texts are just words. He is who he is and you can't change him! What if you go back and it gets worse and he takes that next step and puts his hands on you? Will you leave? Will you forgive him again? What about your baby? Do you think that is good for your baby to grow up around? I really think you did what was best. Stay strong and take care of you and your little girl.

Good for you for getting away from a bad situation.
I will not say that he cannot change. I will not say that won't change. It is possible that he changes. Sometimes it takes something like losing your long-term girlfriend and child to force a change.

I suggest you not go back to him though. If he really wants to change, make an effort at making a family, and be there for you and his child then he can move to Texas. That way if he doesn't change you still have your support system around you and won't uproot your daughter again.

Also, immediately go to your local Attorney General Child Support Office and file that papers for child support and custody. I would make sure that is done before either of y'all move.

EDIT: I deleted my response now that I've read the other responses. He never hit you but he pushed you. Somehow I missed that when I read it initially. I think you should stay where you are. It'll only progress and get worse if you go back. It's not something you should be around, if not for yourself, for your daughter. I know you'll be very tempted to...but don't go back. I think it would be a very bad choice.

M., you have received so much help here. I just want you to remember one thing. When you love someone, you never hurt them. You have no desire to hurt them. Love is kindness, love is caring, love is compassion, love is being gentle and patient. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

I was also in an abusive relationship when I was very young. We had 2 small children under 4 years old. I also left very much like you did, the only difference was my family was in the same city. And he also did what your boyfriend is doing, calling and promising to never do it again, he even cried. Thankfully, I listened to my family and did not go back to him. M., they do NOT change. Please, please, please believe that. Please listen to all the women that are pleading with you NOT to go back to him. We all know from personal experience how these men think. How they manipulate. They are very good at it. But remember one thing - THEY DO NOT CHANGE. As a matter of fact, it gets worse every time you go back. They get braver. They push it a little more each time. Maybe next time he'll punch you or kick you. Or worse.

You made the right move for yourself and for your baby. You do NOT want her to think that is how a man treats a woman, do you? Of course you don't.

I'm so sorry, I really meant to keep this short. I know exactly how you feel right now. I have been in your shoes. Please stay with your family where you are safe and loved. He does not love you. Love never hurts.

If you ever need or want to talk to me, please send me a message. I'd be more than happy to talk or listen. Anytime. Stay with your family. Stay safe.

******EDIT******

I was brought back to this post when I clicked on a flower I received and I wanted to see what it was for and I started thinking, so much of the advice given says the boyfriend needs to get help, what about M.?

M., you can get help and assistance too. I don't mean the kind of help your boyfriend needs but assistance that can help you work through this. There are professional help groups for the victim too. Don't forget about yourself too. Don't forget to check into the laws of your state (IL and the state you're living in now). You have your hands full, good luck!

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Someone said you were very wrong for taking his daughter a plane ride away from him. I don't necessarily agree. In order to get a new start, you needed to go to where your support system is and if that's with your family in another state, then so be it. Your first priority should be you and your daughter. Do whatever you need to keep the two of you safe.

I do agree that you shouldn't return until AFTER you see him making a concerted effort to change/get help. I would also consult with a lawyer as well. Good luck. Be strong. Taking the first step is the hardest.

Whatever you do, DO NOT go back there. You need to stay where you have a support system with your family. If he misses you so much and wants you back so bad, then he can find a job in Texas (FIRST) and move there and work on your relationship while you consider if you even want him back or not. Make him prove that he is worth taking back!!

STAY WHERE YOU ARE! That first step is the hardest. There is a stat out there that most women leave 7 or 8 times before they actually leave their abusers for good. So many women in your shoes hear the same BS from their abusers, go back, and guess what? Nothing changes! Your ex-BF is creepy and dysfunctional. You and your baby are better off without him. Stay with your family and start your life over without him.

Be strong mama and DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Abusers don't change. They regret, and they promise, but they don't change.

Kudos to you for leaving and letting him realize you are not going to put up with that anymore. He is sending you "desperate" text messages. People don't change overnight. As long as his M. is so close by, you will only repeat the problem going back.

Get yourself together and set the criteria for which your relationship will go going forward. You deserve to be treated with respect and until he can do that, he needs to stay with his M..

Keep the communication open, let your daughter talk to him, but stay in Texas. If he really wants your relationship to work better, he will move to Texas too. You have to do what is best for you and your child. If he wants to be a part of that equation, he will really change but only thru a PROCESS!

You were right to get away from him but VERY wrong for taking his child a plane ride distance away! You need to fix that situation like ASAP!

I know I may be late in replying and havent read all the responses but until he complete anger management classes PLEASE DO NOT go back...

Sounds like you do want to go back - so I would say that he maybe get some help first. See a Dr., go to couseling, start a medical treatment to help with depression whatever. I would not go back until he has done all of these things maybe 3-6months.

Honey, you are so young and I know you want him to be this great man, but remember how scared you were, how you lived in Illinois. If he has changed, if he really wants you, he'll move to you, prove to you, apologize to your parents for treating your so poorly... He's telling you the words you want to hear, but how is he proving to you... He's young too, I'm assuming, especially not wanting to leave his parents place. Which are some red flags that they didn't tell him to go when you all had your place.
You really do need your family... I promise if you go back, it will be a temporary change on his part... he'll go back to mistreating you... Demand him treat you right, that means he proves to you..not that you go back to him...
Hugs going out, I know it's hard and feelings making it 100 times harder. You love him, but don't forget how he treated you. You are someones little girl, look at your precious little girl, and do you want a man to treat her this way... what would you tell her, go back to this guy you ran from? It's hard, take time to really think and get some help, go to a domestic violence shelter, just for counseling, see if they have some sessions, you don't have to stay there...
God Bless YOU!

Sometimes all it takes is for you to leave them and they change. My husband used to be the verbally abusive type.. the one to talk and throw things. I packed up all my stuff, he cried, and never again has it happened. However, if it had I would have left him right then and there. No one deserves to be treated that way... espeically with a baby. More than anything I would be afraid for that babies life.
He needs counseling. He needs to SHOW you he is going to get better. He needs to focus on YOU. Good Luck. It's a terrible situation, but you were so right to leave.

Take care of you and your daughter. Do what felt right to you in the first place, you felt you had to leave to protect you and your child, remember that. Maybe set up some times where he can come out and visit the baby with you and your family in the room and maybe eventually after he has proven he has change, he can take her overnight or for weekends etc. And if at that point you still want to be with him revisit being together again than. You need to get your self squared away so you are not in a position to feel stuck or trapped or in danger.

Good Luck

DO NOT go back to this guy. he is abusive! If he misses you so much and has changed have him move to where you are and get his own place and get a job... And wait and see..

Eww, dont' go back to him. if you do, he will likely not change long term. What a freaking weirdo. If he wants to prove that he can live without his umbilical cord to his mommy, he can come to you.