So I've often heard that the husband marries into the wife's whole family. It's very true for us. My husband's mom died when he was 17, and he's never been super close to his dad or brothers. My mom is like his mom. We've been together 10 years and the last few years (especially since we have a son now) we've been seeing his family more often, and I've been making an effort to put on a happy face, as much as I'd rather be with my family - they want to see us, so I suck it up. They're good people, just different than my family.
Last year my son was born two days before thanksgiving and my grandma passed away the day before. Needless to say, we didn't really have a Thanksgiving. So I was excited to go over to my mom's this year (my sister is going to be in WY and my brother at his in-laws) so it'll just be me, my husband, our son, my mom, dad, and my grandpa (who lives with my parents). So my husband's step-mom called my mom, and left a message offering to have T-giving over there. She thinks it will be a huge burden for my mom (she has bad arthritis and doesn't get around well). My mom told me she doesn't mind cooking, and JUST wants us. My mom is a homebody - she wants to be at home, the holidays have always been a special time for our family - it's a big deal. I've offered to help my mom cook, we'll be fine cooking for 6 people. So, My step-mother-in-law (is that what she is??) calls me and tells me the same thing (offering to have us over) I told her my mom had requested awhile back just to have us over, since last year was so hectic for our family and that it's a hard time for my Grandpa (holidays, year anniversary of my Grandma's death) and thank you for the offer, but we just want to be there with my family for a small get-together. I said I'd see how things were going and possibly they could come over for dessert. She immediately says: "or you could come over here" - I know my mom doesn't want to go over there. And when they come over to my parents house they ALWAYS overstay their welcome. Like, we'll leave, and I'll find out the next day from my mom they didn't get out the door until 12:30. They can't stop talking. I know this makes my parents really uncomfortable. But it just slipped out of my mouth!
I hung up the phone with her and I could tell she was irked. I know my husband's family thinks we don't do enough with them, but before the last couple years, they never tried! I'm so tired of them making me feel guilty for not always going over there. I'm sure for Christmas we'll see them for part of the day. And whenever we go over there, she always seems SO stressed out, and she just yells at everyone and seems frantic. Not like she LIKES entertaining at all!
My husband likes spending time w/ my family better (he's told me many times) Why do we have to jump through all these hoops and pretend to be nice? Why can't we just be adults and say, "NO! I don't wanna!" ??? How do I handle this one? My mom has had serious depression this last year with her physical deterioration and with her dad (my grandpa) living there, so I'm trying to do whatever will make her happy. But not piss everyone off in the meantime. Sigh.
I am always amazed by women who cannot stand their husband's families or are perfectly fine with putting their own families above their husband's.
I do not understand this phenomenon.
Hi,
I don't really have any advice for the logistics of that particular day, but I wanted to address your post in general.
You sound like me a couple of years ago. My husband has never been terribly close with his family either, whereas I have always been very close with mine and what's more, they live locally whereas his are on the other side of the country. My husband has significant resentments and beef with his family. And I find their personalities very difficult to be around. All in all, if given a choice we BOTH would choose to spend time with my family over his.
But, over the years, and especially now that grandchildren are involved, his family has wanted to be more involved with us. At first, I felt like you - "Why? I don't wanna!!!!" I didn't get it....why did we have to spend time with these people when my husband didn't even like them, I didn't like them, etc. Visits were (still are, frankly) uncomfortable, with my husband copping an attitude and/or being "checked out" much of the time. At one point I asked him point blank why we had to continue with these visits when no one seemed to be having fun.
To my surprise, he looked at me as though I was being cruel. Then it dawned on me....this is his family. Yeah, they may have problems. They may not be near as fun to spend time with as my family. But, they raised my husband. My husband was (and will always be) my in laws' BABY. As strained as things are, it is clear he still wants to spend time with them....maybe even wants to get closer than they have been in the past. That night, I announced I was going to lighten up and try to enjoy his family more. My husband didn't say much, but was visibly pleased and relieved.
My point (and I do have one)....you DO have to "jump through the hoops and pretend to be nice" because this is HIS FAMILY, and now that you are married they are YOUR FAMILY too. And he may want to see them more than he lets on. You have to suck it up and invest in these relationships, even though you would much rather simply enjoy your own family's company all the time. It is the adult thing to do.
Also - you have a son. So do I. For me, investing in my husband's family is important because I want my son to remain close to US one day. I do not want to set an example for him that my family, as the wife, is better/more important....because then he will think the same of HIS wife's family and we will be in the back seat. So in a way, think of interacting with your husband's family as something you are in part doing for YOURSELF...that might make it easier.
And, I cringe when I hear women say "We BOTH prefer my side of the family" (even though I say it myself as well). I always wonder - is that REALLY true? Or is she just pushier about seeing her family and he sort of lets his take a back seat???
Peace.
Um, I think its only fair to split time between families as that is what most people do. I am not sure why his family did not take part with you and your husband before kids, but I imagine now its because they want to be a part of your kids lives. (Everyone loves kids.) But all this said, if your husband DOESN'T want to spend the time with his family then this needs to be on him. He needs to be the one to tell your step mother in law this, not you.
Here's what I would do if I was in your situation. I'd go to my mom's nice and early in the day, and enjoy a nice dinner, then I would take my husband and my son and myself over to the father & stepmother's house for dessert. Surely your mom, dad, & pap will understand that & I'm sure they can have their dessert amongst the 3 of them.
That way, you're not inviting other people top your mom/dad's house and your homebody parents get to stay put--in their home. I think that would be a great compromise.
The thing is--you can't use their past actions/relationship as a gauge of their current involvement...you've all been making an effort to get closer, so don't jeopardize that, right?
I find it interesting here that no one is speaking about boundaries. We never worry about sticking to what we want if it is our friend involved, but somehow everything changes when DNA is involved. I personally believe that you are not responsible for other people's feelings--they choose how to feel. You already had Thanksgiving plans and it should be enough to say "We already have plans." period. Your friend would say--then let's get together during the holiday weekend. And that's exactly what you can tell your in-laws. Plan another time to get together with them.
Talk to your husband about figuring out how you want to do this in the future. It's important to try to keep relationships healthy and happy whether they are family members or simply friends. They obviously want to be a part of your life and that is a good thing. So find a way to honor the plans you've already made and then still spend time with them. Explain to them that while you already have plans for Thanksgiving day, you still want to spend time with them another time. If they take that personally then, honestly, that's their problem. As long as you are respectful and compassionate on both sides then you have done the best you can and you can sleep peacefully at night.
Oh, and your mother doesn't sound like a martyr. I think it was rude of someone to say that.
Blessings,
J.
I agree with the very first answer. Do dinner with your family, spend some time there, then head over to the ILs for dessert. Just you guys, not your family as well. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and take one for the team.
It might be a good idea to sit down with everyone and work something out so that you aren't fighting the same fight next year. It took my husband and I a few years after we got married to get it all straightened out. Same holds true here, he has said many times that he'd rather spend time with my family than his. We've done steps (including a wicked step mother, seriously), ex's, halves....all sorts of garbage over the past 14yrs, but now it (mostly) runs smoothly. Some years are still a mess, like this year *sigh*, but it seems like family is just that way sometimes!
Good luck, hope you can find something that works for everyone!
You can't worry about everyone and their feelings. You already made plans for thanksgiving with your family, so your inlaws will have to accept it. You can't be at two places at once. Holidays are always tricky. I have issues with them too. You just have to make the best decision you can, and not worry about how other people will feel about it. Christmas is just around the corner, so just plan on doing something with your inlaws then..Holidays are meant to be enjoyed, not stressed about. At least that's what I have to keep telling myself! :)
I think you and DH need to sit down and revisit the holidays. I do Thanksgiving with my in-laws in my home (and my mom) and I do Christmas with my side at my aunt's house. You simply cannot please everyone all the time and especially with a baby you need to pick one place and stick with it. You can tell SMIL that while you are very appreciative of her offer, your little family is going to spend this Thanksgiving with your mom and you will catch up with them another day. Or better have DH say it and make sure you and he are on the same page. You can tell SMIL that your mother needs your support right now, but really you don't need to justify wanting to see your mom for a holiday.
How long have FIL and SMIL been married? She may be feeling some stress about wanting to fit into the new family (speaking as a SM myself).
Don't ever feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do. Stick to what you told the SMIL and DON'T leave early to go over there for dessert and don't invite them over either. You have already made your plans so leave it alone. What my family does is this year since my step dtr and my kids will be at their other parents house on Thursday, I'm cooking Tgiving the Saturday after when everyone is back home. What's the big deal? So maybe next year, ask one of the families to have it on another day and it will be likely that more people can get together since they won't have to drive around to all the inlaws houses as well. Good luck!!!
You are right about sons marrying the entire wife's family. My son did, but, fortunately, married into a wonderful family.
Rather than conflict with their schedule (they live 45 min away from us), we just organize our schedule around theirs. What we did last year for Thanksgiving was, rather than conflict with their big family gathering, we enjoyed my extended family Thanksgiving and then had our small family Thanksgiving gathering with my son on Saturday after Thanksgiving. We may be doing the same thing this year.
As a result, they don't have to deal with conflict between the families, both families can enjoy their presence, and we end up with two Thanksgivings! There is nothing wrong with being flexible enough to do things in a slightly nontraditional manner.
Your husband is on the same page as you are, which is good. You have perfectly valid reasons for wanting a quiet holiday for your family this year, and for the next few years even.
My family is spread all over the East Coast, so seeing them on the actual Holidays doesn't really happen much. I do not connect the "day" with the holiday. It's the FEELINGS and the FAMILY that are important, not a number on a calendar. For example, my hubby has to go to FL for a meeting and will visit his family the week before Thanksgiving. They are going to have Thanksgiving a week early because he will be there. My SIL is being bratty about it, but really, it's NOT the day.
Do what you can to be polite but you have to do what you have to do for your sanity. Your hubby feels the same so you know you have that support.
You said your DH doesn't want to go either? Well, there you go! If you don't want to go you don't HAVE to go! Step Mom In Law needs to learn that an invite is NOT a summons!! I would tell her NO one last time if she asks and let her know if she brings it up again they won't see you for Christmas either!! She needs to respect some boundaries!!
If your DH wanted to go then I would agree with a compromise, but if he says no then don't go and don't feel bad about it. You are responsible for your own happiness! You can't make everyone else happy and be miserable yourself! Think of you, DH, and LO and when you are happy everything else will fall into place! GL!
They might not like you any better and are just willing to put up with you and your family, so they can spend time with your husband and son. Your mom isn't well and sounds like a martre (having to put up with grandpa and cook etc.) Why does it make more sense to make YOUR mom happy? (Well because she's YOUR mom and you love her MORE)!
Honestly.....AP said it best. Like it or not, you do marry a whole other family. If your husband truly like's your's more then his, HE should be the one to blow his family off....Will HE do that? Probably not.
Tis the season!
Have your husband tell his family, that ya'll already have plans to have thanksgiving at your mom's house and because of the issues you mentioned above, it's going to be a small gathering. Offer to go over to visit his family the day before or after maybe? Ya'll had these plans already set so she needs to back off and understand. If she has a problem with it, that's hers to deal with. But I think your husband needs to put a stop to it now. Good luck!
