In Real Need of Help

I have been going through this same thing recently. The first thing that you need to do is sit down with your husband, and without any anger or negativity tell him exactly how you feel. If he starts to get defensive just tell him that you want to talk to him without anger and if he can't do that right now tell him you will come back and talk to him in a bit. You both owe it to yourselves to get to the reason why you are fighting and what needs to be done to get thorugh it. There are a lot of books that you can look at too that can be helpful. But the most important thing is for him to understand how you are feeling and how he is feeling too. Let him know that you think your marriage and family is in trouble and you are willing to work at it. If you go to church you can always call your pastor and ask them to sit down with you and help you sort through everything. It's not going to be easy and if he isn't willing to work on it you may need to consider some other options. I know that it feels like no one is there and you are all alone in this but you aren't!

I've been there, I know how scary it can be once a kid enters the picture. I have been married 7 years now and we got through the hardest early days without counseling too. The early days ARE hard, but you CAN make it through. The most important thing is to figure out how to fight fair, how to disagree or discuss touchy subjects without exploding into a war. For us, we had to find ground rules -- no screaming, no name-calling, no eye-rolling... we're not perfect and we still mess up, but we know it has to stop so we back off and try to calm down. So I would suggest finding a calm time when you are not mid-fight and saying "our fights have gotten so bad, how can we find a way to talk tough things through without losing it?" Then you want to address specific hot buttons you each have that make you go into Bad Fight Mode (for me it was his raised voice, for my husband my eye-rolling or snotty tone of voice), once you get those on the table, the next time you have a disagreement, then you can slow down when one those buttons is pushed and ask for a time out or restart even... I gotta go or I'd write more, but good luck and stay calm... if you both want to get through it and improve things you CAN.

Hi R.,

There are a few churches that offer free counceling where we live. I am not sure how far you live away from a local church but honestly try one. I know of a great church and great pastor that I am sure would be willing to provide guidness. The church is located in gas city. Just message me here if you would like more info and I can also contact him and let him know you might be stopping in. I only recommend them because they have supported me when I first move to Indiana why going through a divorce! Good Luck!

Do you go to church? My church offers free counseling for those in need. I am not sure if u need to be a member or not but that is a start.

Try your local church, I agree with the other women here and is the first thing that comes to my mind. Most have assistance with marriage counseling, even better, a pastor. It should be one you like and are comfortable with. If you don't belong to a church, try Catholic Charities, google it. I hope you are okay and this is not an abusive situation. If it turns abusive, you need to think about what's best for you and your child and get help, even if it's calling the police. The counseling you can get may vary from place to place so don't be afraid to try a couple to find one you are most happy with. It's your marriage and worth it. Best of Luck and I'm praying for you and your family.

You may want to check with your health insurance as they sometimes offer counseling with just a co-pay option even if it is not in your plan brochure. The other thing you may want to look into is to check if your husband's job has some sort of EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which offers counseling for absolutely free of charge in times of need. Employees don't always know about the EAP benefit, you can call the Human Resource Dept. at his job and inquire. Any counseling is completely confidential and the only thing the employer receives is the bill. It does not say whom the services were provided for. Good Luck.

Althought counseling can be expensive it is cheaper than a divorce and definitely worth it if you need it. You can try going to a local church and talking to the minister there. Christian, God based help can be a lifesaver! You can also try reading some books like 5 love languages or other books that can show you both what you can do to change and heal your marriage. I pray that it all works out for you and your family.

The first thing is is your husband also willing to work on your marriage? I agree with everyone else that you can surely find alot of support in a local church. Especially the Catholic. It isn't good for your child to see or hear the two of you fighting. You need to go into another room and instead of yelling discuss. I know with my first husband we fought a lot and loudly. But it was because we held things inside for to long and when they came out boy did it come out as an explosion. Communication is definately the key. You may also find a marriage encounter weekend helpful I think they are just Catholic based but not sure of your religion or if anyone could attend. and if you don't have family support to watch your child there is an organization in Fort Wayne called Daybreak and they help families in crisis and if your are fighting all the time in front of your child that is a crisis. I hope this helps. Good luck and You and your family will be on my prayer list this week. May God embrace you as you face this difficult time in your marriage.

I would try and attend a supportive church that has counseling

Some companies offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) either through their company or throught their health insurance plan. It is free to employees. You should call your health plan or check with your employer or have your husband check with his.

Dear R., I don't know what you fight about, so I don't know if this will help. My husband and I fought constantly for the first 3 years of marriage. I found that, because we had such different views about everything (we are different cultures, different ages), I REALLY had to pick my battles. Meaning, I had to let him win quite a bit. I found that "letting him win" usually meant just not saying my piece at that time. It meant choosing a better time and a nicer way of putting it. It was really hard for me, but it seemed to work, and now when something really upsets me, my husband respects it (because it is not everything, all the time, but just the really important things). I hope this helps some.

Hi R.,

Without knowing in detail what the prob is....
I can tell you my hubby and I have been married 6 yrs. We had 2 children in less than one year, 7/24/06 and 7/09/07.
That being said... you can imagine how tough it has been. He doubled up on work (self-employed) so we could live with the same comoforts, while I felt lonely and desperate with us moving to IN from TX right before our daughter was born.

For our anniversary this past Oct I asked everyone in my fam to pitch in (instead of giving me gifts) for a day at the spa. We went for lunch and then a couple's spa.
Afterwards out to a drink. The kids spent the night with his parents.
You have NO IDEA how that SIMPLE day rejuvenated us and our marriage. We sooo needed that time alone and AWAY from HOME.
Anyway.... what I'm trying to say is that make soending some time alone a priority. Do not discuss the kids, home, bills, work etc... Just talk about how much you miss him and so on.
Hope that gives you some ideas ;)
Amy

Dear R.,

Would your husband go to counseling if you could afford it? If so, there are churches which will provide that service to you at no charge.

Try a cooling off period if you feel a fight coming on. Agree ahead of time that you don't want to fight in front of the baby, and that fighting is not the best way to solve the problems. So, when you both feel like you're escalating into a scream match, try taking a walk or just postponing the discussion until later, until you both feel calmer.

Do you love one another? Then your marriage is worth saving, but it will take doing some things differently.

Try the church if you are both willing to fight *for* your marriage.

Good luck,
R.

My husband and I just went through this same type of situation. Our son is was about 11 months when it finally came to a head. I already had an apartment in another state on hold for the baby and I. Then I sat back and decided that it wasn't worth it. Like some one else said I realized how much harder it really would be with out him. (not that I couldn't do it, but just don't want to have to).
We are not religious, and come from two very different backgrounds, as well as the fact that my husband is adamently against counselling. I was the one who had to start the change.
So one day I just stopped fighting. It was really hard at first, but once I started to see results it got so much easier. I would get upset about something..(i.e. he didn't do something, not helping, or bills...etc.) and I would very calmly, in the sweetest voice I could muster, go to him to tell him that I was having a hard time and needed help. Making him feel needed was helpful, and I realized I had just spent half the year making him feel like I didn't need him and only wanted him around for the crummy jobs in the house.
When he started to get mad about stuff and fly off the handle I kept my mouth shut and just listened. (no matter how mad anything he said made me). The only thing I would say is "could you please keep it down, the baby doesn't need to hear this, and Im right in front of you" After he was done venting I would just let him know that I had heard him and needed to mull it over a while, or wait till he walked away, then go do something strangely special for him, like make his favorite dinner (or for us I would iron his shirts...he loves it when I do that cause he knows how much I hate it) Once I started doing that, he would come to me afterwards and tell me he was at fault for being angry and open the discussion of what was really bothering him. We started talking like we used to and making jokes about the craziness of it all and things started getting hashed out to the root of the problem.
I was shocked, but all of a sudden he is helping out around the house and with the baby, as well as making special time for me. I in turn have learned how to curb my nagging (I really like to and am really good at it) and to only get into it with him when it really matters, instead of fighting him on every little thing throughout the day. Once a week he gets a special dinner where I put the baby to bed first and do something outrageous for him for dinner. Last week I rented a movie and made his favorites, wings, potato skins and beer, (I added some green beans for myself)and we ate on the sofa like we used to.
Date night also helps as well as a weekend away to remember what it was to be a couple, instead of parents. Remember that that couple is the most important part of the relationship because without it there would be no kids.
It can get better. Everyone I have talked to has said that the early years of marriage (especially when you throw kids in the mix) are the hardest because it's all about setting up boundaries and learning how to argue as well as communicate. It can get better. Oh and the little one will show you a very noticeable change when the fighting stops. NO matter how much we try to sheild them they feel tension and know when something is not right. The whole house will feel lighter. Good Luck

HI R.,
wow.. such great responses.. as you can see, you are not alone. Those of us who have chosen to stay in our marriages and work on them can totally relate to you. Living with another person takes a lot of compromise, love and good communication. Perhaps you both just need some therapy on how to do these things more positively for one another. I just wanted to recommend that if you call Catholic Charities.. you don't have to be catholic, they offer counseling for free or on a sliding scale based on your income. If you should want some counseling. I think it could be very helpful. They may have other services they can recommend in your county for you based on your income and need. Good luck and we will keep you in our prayers.

Try the book His Needs, Her Needs. There is one called His Needs, Her Needs for Parents as well. The other thing that helps me is trying to be as nice to him as possible and concentrating on the positive things he does. (Or as my negative side says - think of all the things you'll have to do by yourself if he wasn't around - including sleeping by myself.) Of course, realistically, I just left him with our daughter and drove across the country. But I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. It only worked out because the state came in and would not allow me to be alone with our daughter (so he was forced to parent her) and he was completely committed to the marriage and flew to meet me on the other side of the country and bring me home. (Amazingly, we're still married after 9 years, and several years after the incident. Oh, by the way - we are in love and even have an 8-month old to prove that things get better.)

Marriage is REALLY tough and it only works when you hold on to the commitment. As my dad said at one point in his marriage (my parents have been married almost 40 years), "People are always changing. Sometimes you change so you are close to the other person, and sometimes you grow further apart." But the point is that you stick it out.

Good luck.

hang in there R.. marriage isnt easy. as long as 2 of you are trying. ive been married for 3 years and we have our fights too. the fights dont go away. try not to go to bed fighting. you can fight all day long as long as its resolved before bed time. do u go to church? if not i suggest Granger Community Church. a couple that prays together, stays together. i would love to help out in any way i can. i believe in marriage. with Christ, your marriage will work out just fine. take care

S.

There is a book called Divorce Busters that I found helpful when our relationship wasn't going so good. Also, look into counseling clinics that will see you and your husband for marriage counseling based on a sliding scale fee (based on income). I don't know where you are located, but I know Kenneth Young Center in Elk Grove may be able to point you in the right direction or even be able to help you. Also, if you have health insurance a few sessions of marriage counseling might be covered in your policy. Good luck!

Hi R., I feel for you, I do. My husband and I have had our fair share of fights and have considered divorce (In the earlier years). We are now active in a church, and that has played a big role. I have also read som very helpful books. When i first started reading them, I was not happy with them, but actually taking the advice in them really helped. They are called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggeriches and another book called the Surrendered Wife by (I forgot). Again they really sound off the wall at first, but it works!!! If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate. The worst thing in the world is to feel like you have no where to turn. Good luck. God's Blessings!

do you belong to a church or a specific religion? Often churches offer counseling or couple's assistance programs. Good luck with everything.

Hi R.,
Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? Its a good one and might be a good place to start. I recommend it to many of my marital therapy clients. You might also look around and see if you can't find a place in your area that does marital counseling on a sliding scale. It can really help to have a third party mediate things with you. Good luck!!

R.-
My husband and I went through a period of time where we fought often. I really didn't think our marriage would survive. Among other things, we attended program called Retrouvaille (www.retrouvaille.org) - it's a weekend retreat for troubled marriages. There is an offering at the end of the weekend, but it is completely voluntary - their main goal is to save marriages. It is associated with the Catholic church, but it is not a "Catholic" program. It is a wonderful program that has saved many marriages. Also, many churches offer conseling for little or nothing.

There are also a number of great books (Gary Chapman has written a number of great books, such as 5 Love Languages and The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Ormartian is a great book). Family Life also has a number of helpful books.

The first thing to do is to stop arguing. Sometimes you have to give up "being right" for the sake of the greater good - and happiness. Stop thinking negative thoughts and stop saying negative things. It's very difficult, but your marriage will change for the better.

Good luck!