*great responses/perspective so far** ((Caution) this is not about her visiting with MIL. It's about injuries no matter small, minor, major. Also, the weekly visitation as it currently stands was MY recommendation. I thought it was what he wanted** Thanks.
Moms, it's been a long time since I've posted post-marital matters. I've been busy with me, child has been growing up before my eyes. THINGS WERE GOING SEEMINGLY WELL... for the most part....until...my daughter was returned from visiting with dad and had a small cut, still red with blood in the back of her head. I asked her about it and she said "at daddy's house, x hit me". Nothing was reported via email prior to or post visits on both ends. No note in her bag, nothing.
Prior to this incident she was missing a fingernail. I emailed got no report. I saw it when washing her hands. She was only able to say car and door. When I inquired I got no response.
UNTIL........I informed via email I have pictures (which I do) of the cut and demanded to know who is supervising during visits, and why she continues to get injured and nothing's reported.
MIL responded and not immediately addressing the cut, but accusing my daughter of being a chronic biter and stated she didn't know she had to take pictures, too. Huh???? Where's dad's response?
Now let me tell you all something even moms on here who assumed I wanted you all to agree with me. I learned from your input, all of them. So my response was to the point but FIRM (always going to be me LOL).
I reminded her that it was about the safety, welfare and best interest of my child
but most importantly, I asked who's supervising during her visits with dad? Is he ever around? She keeps getting hurt. Also, I told my concerns about safety were warranted because of previous incidents of children getting hurt while visiting.
1) one seizure because parent's instructions weren't followed
2) anther seizure b/c child wasn't supervised after immunizations that warned of seizure and child was left unattended not known how long the episode was going on in bedroom.
3) black eye
*****
4) missing fingernail
5) cut in the back of head.
6) finger cuts, small lacerations on her body
I told MIL I don't want to hear from her. My child's father needs to be giving full accounts of visit accidents, behavior, etc.
***I want to disclose that in the past the emails in response to my daughter's behavior, I quote. "we don't witness any of that behavior during visits. All goes well." That's from MIL.
Now the past two weeks since I mentioned I got pictures of the cut, what do you think I get, reports about her behavior.
Again, I was respectful, but firm... I told MIL I'm concerned about the reports that now conflict with her previous praise-worthy email. Suddenly, my child is behaving like the Tazmanian devil.
Now we are due to go back to court in 5 months, for a review. HE wants to change visitation to less frequently. I'm starting to get a sinking feeling of understanding why and it's not positive, considering he did an emergency drop off in August stating he couldn't do it anymore.
My daughter's emotional and physical well being are important to me, but I am trying to figure out my next step approach to address these concerns and facts with the judge, and most likely going in on a speedy-hearing. Would you wait until the review? Explain either way. Thanks.
This is my child.
I have a right to inquire when she's cut in the head, no matter how small, minor, etc. I have a right to be concerned. I don't care who she's visiting with. 911 was not called. However, everything is being documented.
The MIL brigade seems to think give MIL a break, mistakes, bruises, boo=boos happen. Well if you choose to look the other way and not make waves to keep peace with your MILS for the sake of keeping peace that's your prerogative. LOL. I don't kiss my MILs a$$ because I don't expect for her to kiss mine. I'm respectful and that's it.
RESPONSIBILITY: When her school has a mandate to report incidents, no matter how small, minor, etc. then I damn sure expect the same from her BLOOD relatives, especially her father and MIL.
Let me address some inquiries in responses for clarity:
Incidents: No it's not my child who has seizures. 2 others did and another child got a black eye on their end.
Visits:
They (his family) are given the opportunity to build a relationship with our daughter without interference. She visits when she is supposed, uninterrupted. ***I recall the same ones saying don't force visitation now if he doesn't want. BUT you all were perhaps the same ones accusing me of trying to deny visitation. Make up your mind. That's not rational. If you weren't so hell-bent on attacking me you would have realized he does not want visitation. He wants his freedom. You don't know our lifestyles prior to the divorce and prior to the child. I traveled the world and he pretty much had his time to himself. Of course a child changes the scope of all of that, my EH did not adjust well which brings me to this.
A lot of fathers don't want to visit but COURTS force them because of the theory two parents are better than one. Well, no law, court can force someone to feel something that's not in their heart. It's not possible and unfair.
MIL: she forced him and continues to force him to take visitation that he doesn't want because he's doing it for her. But THANK YOU to the poster who said make visitation stipulated with him and I have the evidence to prove it would be in our daughter's best interest to be with her father. Of course she should visit with others. That's a given, but not left unattended if she keeps getting injured.
Cuts, bruises, missing fingernails, and running and hiding from MIL all give me great cause for thought!!! What is going on? I'm not there to support my daughter. I'm not there to supervise. SO I EXPECT GROWN UPS WHO ARE THERE TO SHOW CONCERN AND BE ALERT AND NOT ALLOW FIGHTING, AND ACCIDENTS TO CONTINUE WEEKLY.
Child's health:
No she does not have equilibrium issues. She goes to the doctor regularly. She is returned with small cuts on odd places, never once did I inquire. I didn't make inquiry until she was returned with an open wound and blood from a cut in the back of her head - and NO explanation.
EXCUSING GRANDMA/MIL for those who can't seem to look beyond the MIL factor, wouldn't you be inclined to think about previous events, child's reaction and wonder why no one is reporting the cut, and a missing fingernail and her finger was bruised where the fingernail was. It had to be painful.
I don't care if she's visiting with my own mother. They don't have to answer to me, deal with me. However, I have an expectation to know when my child is hurt to the point the accident drew blood.
Don't be ridiculous. I don't care about her visiting with her MIL. I'm doing so well in life I couldn't care less about that and they know that because I'm the one who said, if he wants to visit, visit every weekend. I thought it would be good for them. But it turns out the visitation is a damper to his lifestyle. He loses Friday and Saturday nightlife.
My EH and I both know this to be true HE NEVER WANTED VISITATION TO BEGIN WITH IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT MAKING LIFE DIFFICULT FOR ME.
COURT: The fact is I don't have time to drag him to court. HE DOES ALL THE MOTION filing and NEVER wins. He asked the judge for less time, every other weekend and for the sake of my daughter's emotional stability I did NOT argue against his request for less time because remember, I was married to the man, he was abusive, he was abused as a child, and abandoned by his mother, so naturally I don't want to subject my child to the possibility of being abused by her father or anyone else. Nor will I ignore small cuts, just because they happen on MILS watch.
Ignore the cuts bruises, etc. from this point forward would make me neglectful.. Don't be ridiculous because it's MIL on the receiving end of inquiry. Which tells me our daughter is NOT visiting with her father and spending quality time. Now that's a shame because she's getting hurt in the process of being pawned off. Accept whatever you want, but I don't go along and certainly won't ignore just to keep peace with MIL. That's not in my child's best interest.
Word to the wise and unwise..............
Small things when ignored lead to bigger problems that often don't have solution. PREVENTION IS CURE. So if you think this is about anything else, you're close minded and out of touch with what it means to act in a child's best interest.
Thanks for the replies. I will present to the court the incidents, show evidence and ask the court to apply the law in the best interest of our child. As for a guardian ad litum, that's in the works and has been and if I get the financial support in that area, we will file a motion before the review.
There are things in progress that I cannot talk about in this message board, but trust me, I'm not idle, although life is great otherwise.
wow.
document, document, document.
and absolutely allow fewer visits.
i'm sorry, and hope it gets better.
:(
khairete
S.
When it comes to the injuries, you have to ask yourself if you believe they're just part of childhood or they're actually because of neglect. Minor injuries aren't really something I would be concerned about. Can you honestly say that your child is never, ever injured in your care? And that you don't expect her to ever be injured when her father is responsible for her?
Also, as far as I'm aware unless it's part of the custody agreement through the courts it's unusual for parents to give full accounts of anything to each other including photos. I mean, you're demanding accident reports. Would it be nice to have them? Yes but as long as your daughter speaks up when something happens and they then notice and treat the incident/accident/injury then it should be considered handled unless it's serious and continuous treatment is needed. Or it's a chronic condition. Minor cuts and scrapes should be a non-issue.
If he wants less visitation, I've never heard of a court being willing to grant it. The court will always want what's best for a child. What he does with the time he's given is up to him even if it means she ends up spending time with her grandmother.
So I guess you have to ask yourself if you think your child's welfare is at stake in her father's care and her grandmother's care. If you think it's dangerous for her, then I wouldn't wait five months to address it. I would take all documentation that you have and all communications and talk to your lawyer.
If I'm understanding this right - your child goes to visit with her father and her father gives your child to his mother (childs grandmother, your MIL) to watch during these visits and your child is getting injured while she is there.
The father has requested fewer visits (he doesn't want to see his daughter as much or maybe at all? How much is he really seeing her if he passes her off to his Mom?).
If everyone is in agreement - you want to keep your child with you, he wants to see her less, (does MIL have a say in this at all?), then can you two draw up a new agreement and tell the courts this is what everyone now wants to do?
It's a little confusing what is going on.
Additional:
When it was my father visiting me, it was specifically spelled out in the visitation order that HE was suppose to be WITH ME - he could not pass me on to other family members and leave. This was because there were sexual predators in the family.
Now that was 45 years ago so there's probably been some changes but you may be able to spell out what visitation should be like if it takes place.
But you can't force him to visit if he does not want to.
I would be contacting Social Services and the Guardian ad Lidium(sp) something is going on and your daughter is not being supervised properly. Taking pictures is a good idea but you also need documentation take her to her doctor or an urgent care for some back-up documentation. You can insisit on supervised visistation, in other words someone else has to be there when she is visiting her dad. You do not know who is actually watching her when she is supposed to be with her dad. I would not wait 5 months to get this resolved.
How old is your daughter?
If he wants less visitation I would let him, I think it would be easier on your daughter and you not to have the back and forth and the interfering MIL (or is she caring but uncapable/too old and ex is neglectful?).
I document everything (keep emails, photos, notes, dates of your emails without response, etc. make a time line on paper) and ask for an earlier hearing. Why drag things out? Maybe also ask for more money since you will be the sole care giver and might need to hire the occasional babysitter or mommy's helper to give yourself a break since it seems your child has medical issues. Trust your intuition and do what is right for your child.
I would call CPS immediately and tell them what you have witnessed and what has happened when your daughter comes home. Everything you have told us here, tell them and give them pics as well. There is no reason he shouldn't be telling you when she gets a scratch, or anything happens. You should know everything that goes on in that house good and bad. I hope your daughter is ok. I have gotten a fingernail ripped off before and it is extremely painful...I can only hurt to think how much pain she was in. Ask the judge for No more visits and just pure monetary child support. GL
Let him have fewer visits if that is what he wants. Don't push him to see her or to keep her the whole time. There has never been trust on your side with your daughter being with him or his mother. They are very aware of that. Maybe having to deal with you is more than they are willing to deal with and they are just starting to give up. I'd like to think that they love this little girl enough to send you all the emails you want and explanations that you want, but maybe they feel like they can't make you happy no matter what. Maybe your MIL is too tired to take care of a toddler at her age now. If your child is a biter, that's hard. I sincerely doubt that your ex knows how to handle a child. He certainly doesn't get enough practice and probably isn't all that responsible. Maybe that's why he wants fewer visits.
Maybe they don't supervise her enough, maybe they do. Children just plain get hurt even when you're looking straight at them. My kids got cuts, bruises and got bitten by biters at daycare, and that was with full time professional providers. I can tell you that my daycare would have laughed me out of the center if I had demanded pictures from them for anything. I'm not sure why you want pictures since you have your child right after the visit, but it may be a reason why they may be willing to start throwing in the towel. My own MIL adored my kids, but one day while she was taking care of one of mine, he fell down her stairs because she forgot to lock the basement door. Stuff happens. The first question I asked her was "Is he okay?" The second question I asked her was "Are YOU okay?" I didn't grill her about every single thing in regards to my kids because I knew that she loved them.
Kids change rapidly as they get older. They can be easy, and within a few months, a new stage hits and all of the sudden, they aren't easy anymore. Your MIL and ex may not know how to deal with her new stages.
Your child is just one of many who go back and forth from one home to another. She will act differently in each place. Their parenting will always be different from yours. Lots of moms on here talk about how their kids are a mess coming back after a weekend with dad, mostly because the dad lets them do whatever they want, eat what they want, stay up all hours, and won't make them do homework (if they are older). Wouldn't it be better if the dad would do the same thing as the mom? Yeah, but that's just not going to happen, especially if there is not a good relationship between the ex's.
Whether you want to wait 5 months or not is certainly up to you, and I don't know what would be better. But I would respect the fact that your ex just isn't up to the task and not push him to take your daughter or argue with him if he wants to bring her back home. Perhaps he'll be better able to be a "dad" to her when she is a lot older.
Dawn
If he wants less time good. I'd also contact an Ad Lidum for visit to dads house and MIL. Contact your attorney so he can investigate.
You do not have to wait for court to lessen the visits. He wants less time. Don't try to figure it out. Work with him to decide how to provide less time.
It sounds like he or his mother is having difficulty with her and they don't know how to handle it. They aren't going to admit how these injuries occur. They may not even know how to parent a child that age which is causing the misbehavior. Stop trying to get answers.
Instead be sympathetic. This will help them put their guard down so that they may be able to give you more info over time. But if they don't it won't matter if she's spending less time with them.
Is your daughter the one with seizures? If so, I suggest that you provide them with written information about her condition. Look on the Internet or ask her doctor for some. Perhaps ask them to take her to the doctor so that the doctor can clue them in.
Take the pressure off of them. It is good for children to have a relationship with their father but when the father is wanting less time it's time to let that happen.
LATER: Whew, F.. Sounds like you've got your mind made up about all of this. I do wonder why you asked the question.
From your other question about your daughter's reaction to seeing your MIL I want to assume that it sounds like MIL is abusing your daughter. I'll bet 'x' is your MIL that hit her. Obviousy dad is passing daughter off to MIL hence the wish for less visitation time.
Better safe than sorry is always the answer when it comes to children. So I'm gonna go against all your answers saying kids get bruises and banged up all the time even in mom's presence. Trust your gut, don't accuse but definitely do some documenting and investigating. Who knows what injury she could come home with next?
All I know is if my daughter said 'x hit me' which resulted in a bloody cut, and if i knew my daughter wasn't confused or making up a story, x would have hell to pay. There would be no waiting 5 months or even 1.
Honestly all of the injuries you mention are things that could just have easily happened to my kids, and I am a responsible and devoted full time mom to three. They've suffered from falls, bumped heads, cuts and bruises and three fractures, all doing normal, fully supervised kid stuff, like riding their bikes, skating and just goofing around.
Though I can't speak for the seizures as I have no experience there.
It sounds like he doesn't want to see his daughter as often as was arranged, which is sad, to be sure. But why not give him the next five months and see how it goes? Unless you REALLY believe she is in danger then by all means ask for full custody. That's what you SHOULD do, right, if you believe your daughter can't be trusted with him?
Just think about it long and hard, that's a very serious accusation and final step to make :(
Sounds like your child's father isn't ok with his MIL and you. He's probably getting an earful from her and wants less, so he wants LESS visitation. Perfect. Fine. Ask him if he wants to do the review early or leave it at 5 months from now. See what HE says and then do what YOU feel is right. Women's intuition is NEVER wrong. Hang in there.
Andra Cs recommendations seem fine, especially the doctor visits. Not sure about dragging CPS into it yet, THAT could backfire on you. Also, the judge might look at it like a vindictive ex.
If he wants less time, then don't push for more time. Accept less time and then make it legal. I don't know your full history, but some people are not cut out to be even part time parents. If your child is in danger during visits and her father doesn't want them/doesn't want to bear responsibility, then why are you pushing them? I would revisit the weekly visit in this case, which is different than ceasing visitation or cutting off contact.
Stuff happens to kids and my SD is a klutz and recently needed stitches for a fall at college. But I would also evaluate whether or not any of this could be related to the child's health concerns and if they are just a child having trouble with gravity or a child who is not being watched properly. If the child has seizures and the father cannot handle them or the medication, has he been to her doctor's appointments? It might be time to invite him along.
