So, she sent an email and started off as such: what is your problem with me? Why won't you communicate with me? You have my granddaughter and we need to communicate. My son doesn't even have visitation.
Now as I recall my MIL was rude to me about our problems when I first asked my husband to leave the house. She even hung up on me and never attempted to apologize. Now she wants it all, too. I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SAY I TOLD HER MY DOOR HAS BEEN OPEN FROM DAY ONE AND NOW THAT Husband and I are having problems she suddenly wants to be involved.
Some of you may remember previous posts where I stated she walked out of her christening after taking a picture. She specifically said she only came for the picture and left. Also, she hasn't been caring and based on their family history I personally believe her sudden interest is nothing but stirring the pot.
ALSO, According to my attorney it is not my obligation to arrange for her to see our daughter. In fact, she jumped in our marital problems and created the friction between us and when she hung up on me because I told her she's taking sides and causing more problems she hasn't called here since. NOW that he refuses to get visitation after we had a handshake agreement of visitation that didn't work out because he wanted to bring her back late without calling and canceled, I told him he has to go to court for visitation to make everything legal. as a means of intervention. He won't go because he doesn't want to pay the state guidelined dollar amount of child support.
***I AM NOT PUNISHING MY DAUGHTER, I can't do it all and I won't. People must realize I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm not going out of my way to pacify anyone but my child. Sorry, but I'm not obligcated and not doing anything wrong. When he was living with us she didn't care to spend time with her, so why now is the question? I'm not punishing MIL, I'm simply not appeasing her when her son can get visitaiton and spend time with her and his mother.
***The sad part is HIS grandmother told me that he never brought her to visit her. So it's a big ole mess. Am I supposed to arrange that too? This is all about control and it's time for me to fight back appropriately. I don't understand how she can go to court and accuse me of denying anything when she hasn't called my house since July because he had access to our daughter. Now that he doesn't it's my responsbility???? ***
In fact, in the divorce decree I already have a request that it is his responsibility to ensure his family interacts with our daughter. Again, I can't do it all. I have to find a job and everything else. I don't need pressure from her and I'm prepared to explain my stane to the judge and iI have the email evidence in the past to show how she was starting trouble in our marriage.****
My response to her today you all wonder??? I simply closed the email and washed my dishes. Because I don't have a day to respond appropriately. And my husband and I need to worry about communicating with each other for our child's sake.
Mama's this has been one heck of a whirlwind family affair. But, I am staying firm on all issues until the divorce is final. I have enough stress with the responsibility of raising a child, keeping a roof over our heads because we don't get child support, and dealing with his control issues.
By the way, I started therapy to help me stay positive and find a way to move forward because I'm ready and won't allow bullies to set me back.
BUT, What more can I do other than ignore her? Tomorrow I have a meeting with my attorney and this matter will be addressed and I'm not worried about how I will look in court because it's not my responsibility to arrange for grandparents to see her when she never showed interest in the past. I can't worry about "perception" only the facts and I know she hasn't been concerned and now that I won't budge on visitation with my husband after he stood us up in the parking lot on Sunday, they realize I finally woke up and mean business.
Plus, no one is addressing the fact she started off making accusations and not really trying to have a healthy conversation with me. he is the same way.
And the reason he doesn't have visitation and has to ask for it has to do with Domestic Violence. I never mentioned it's a painful area for me but I'm not backing down nor will I be bullied.
stood my ground
DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING. She can and will use it against you. Document, document, documenet.
i can tell you from experience that it will look better on you if you do communicate with her HOWEVER, why does dad not get visitation? is it due to drugs, or some court order due to neglegence on HIS part? if he does not get visitation because of a SERIOUS reason, then i would just tell her you will think about it. will she go against the court order IS there a court order, like is he allowed only supervised visitation and dad don't even do that, and she's trying to "get him his child against the court order"
it all depends on why he's not getting visitation if he's just not excercising his visitation then why not let kiddo go see gma? i wouldn't allow it regularly that's for sure, cause then you give gma rights....but once in a while....y not?
If she has been unable to see her grand daughter, I can't blame her. I don't know the background of what happened with your husband, why he doesn't have visitation or what went on between you and she when you and your husband were having problems, but you can't use your child to punish her for it and that's not going to look very good for you when you get to court. I think what more you could do is treat her with a little compassion. That might be hard when you are hurting too, but it is the right thing to do.
Be honest and firm with her. Tell her the issues from your standpoint in a diplomatic way, and tell her you'd appreciate her leaving you alone. If she was a good Grandmother - you may want to give her the opportunity to still see your daughter and still keep her in the loop with pictures and stuff.
NO matter what the issue is between you, your husband and his mother, don't punish the children by not having them see their grandmother. You can't wave a magic wand and have her disappear so might as well work with it as best as you can without each other getting in the way!
She deserves to see her granddaughter. Unless she is a dangerous person, or the father is a dangerous person and will be at his mom's house, than you are wrong here. You need to kindly, yet firmly communicate and work it out for the sake of your child, even if you just do supervised visits... the mother's are right too, they could use it against you in court if you refuse this, and it's hard for her to not see her grandchild, and probably confusing and hard for your daughter not to see her grandma either.
My sil has cut ties off from the entire family simply b/c she got in one teeny tiny squabble (that she shockingly started b/c they ddin't give her a hug within walking through the door immediately) with someone. The grandparents did nothing wrong and are heartbroken b/c they will never see their 8 month old granddaughter again. It's a very cruel thing to remove that from someone.
Print a copy of your MIL's email for your lawyer and then hit delete.
What kind of grandmother is she? If she is a good grandma, I would respond to her and let her know that you are dealing with a lot right now, and thinking of everyone's desires just isn't in the schedule. If she would like to see her granddaughter, let her know how she can do that, (call before coming over, let's set up some dates on the calendar, etc.) Whether or not her son has visitation is not something that she has any say on. Maybe you two need to make some ground rules. You shouldn't be required to call and give status updates, but if she wants to call (occasionally!), she can do so. Just know what you are willing to do, and then let her know.
Okay, saw your update. I would probably say, "I am a little overwhelmed at the moment, trying to find a job to support myself and Sally. If you would like to visit with us, feel free to call." If you want to really get into it, "While you can visit anytime, it is up to Tom to inform you as to what is going on in Sally's life and keep you updated."
I agree with Amom2 that you cannot punish your granddaughter for your hubby's and MIL's misdeeds, however, if you are in the middle of a custody battle or bitter divorce, you do need to proceed with caution.
I would not prevent your MIL from seeing your daughter, but rather make sure that YOU are supervising the visits, either at your home or at a public venue (children's museums, parks, zoos, shopping malls, etc.) That way, they cannot try to hold it over you during the divorce proceedings (keeping your child from her grandmother).
Sorry for the tough position you are in, and I hope it gets easier for you!
Sounds like you have handled the email appropriately. When you reply, you should keep it brief, to the point, and only do so after you have a chance to really think about what to say and not do so in the heat of the moment.
One suggestion would be to remember that although you are not responsible for insuring she visits your daughter, if her father isn't getting her then grandmother will need to go through you to see her and therefore you may need to communicate with her. My ex didn't always get my son either and I didn't go out of my way to make sure he saw his other grandmother but I would call her to let her know of anything special going on and if dad wasn't getting him for Christmas, I would at least get up with her a few days before so my son could visit for a bit. I never prevented her from seeing him but all she ever had to do was stop by.
I have been in your shoes and don't envy you at all. Even if visitation is not set w/ the court, you should file for child support because even if it is temporary until things are finalized, raising children cost money (clothes, food, shelter, etc). I once had a "hand shake agreement" w/ my ex regarding support. It was through the court but it was an amount that he agreed to and he was able to pay me directly. Once he wasn't coming through, I got that changed. I once had a very open agreement regarding visitation but when he would not come as scheduled and show up late at night (when a 2.5 year old should be and was in bed) I put a stop on that too. Any visitation agreement should be in writing but used as a guide...it locks in certain times that dad is guaranteed but you are always able to allow additional visits if it works for everyone.
Without knowing the rest of the email, I am just going to suggest a few things.
Tell her that your only "problem" with her is that she has chosen to get into the marital problems with you and her son. You understand that in the end, right or wrong, he is her son but you will not further discuss your marriage with her. PEROID!!! You will however help facilitate her relationship with your daughter provided she can show you mutual respect. Tell her that you are not responsible to insure her visits w/ your daughter, her son really is, but you will ALLOW it in fairness to your daughter and her...it isn't fair to loose that relationship just because her dad is not getting visitation right now.
Then ask when she would like to come visit your daughter. Maybe give her a couple of options to choose from. I am not sure how old your child is but if there are any special events coming up, let her know when those are.
Keep a printed copy of anything you send her or she sends you. That will be the proof you need to show your willing to work with grandma should it become an issue in court. Best of luck.
I would only communicate via my lawyer until everything is final. Keep it positive and pleasant, be the better person, but don't let them manipulate you. There must be a reason why he does not have visitation. I am sure he tells her all kinds of stuff that makes him sound like the good guy and you like the b*tch. I would be careful not to respond. Every communication can become ammunition for the court. You may also want to make sure every phone call is recorded and save all your correspondence. I have not been in your situation, but I would just be very careful and if you do respond, make sure it is simple and to the point. No name calling and complaining. Just: we will determine appropriate communication and support path in court, or ask you lawyer how to respond. Good luck.
F. - I am really happy to read that you are starting therapy because it sounds as if you are about to self destruct. I truly hope the intensity of the situation can mellow out and you and your ex can work together to parent your daughter in the future. The less stress in your life, the better for all of you. Pick your battles...it's a really long haul. Best of luck.
You should not ignore her, she is your child's grandparent and a relationship should be encouraged. Why are you not getting child support?
