Is Age an Issue for You?

I am a 42-year-old mom with a 3-year-old and 21-month-old. Age doesn't have anything to do with whom I socialize, but sometimes younger women seem to be put off by age (may be my perception). What I find right now with two young ones is that any socializing I try to do at child related activities is usually interupted by one of the two (usually the younger), so it is very limited. It probably just depends on how tired the mom is and what else she has to do that day. Keep trying, I know that I appreciate any bit of adult conversation I can squeeze into my day.

If you are trying to connect with other moms, you might try www.meetup.com - it's a national Web site where you type in your city/state and it takes you to local meetup groups - these are groups that meet up around common interests - hiking, dining out, dog lovers - everything you can imagine, including parenting, mom groups, etc. Perhaps you'll be able to connect with some moms that way. I am single, 45 and am trying to become a mom via donor egg (my eggs are too old). Most of my friends are younger than me - in their mid-to-late 30s and are having kids. I don't see the age thing as being a difference at all. What's more of a difference for me is that they are married and I'm single and most of them were easily able to have a child, where I first had to make the difficult decision to do this on my own, since I couldn't seem to find a suitable person with whom I wanted to spend my life, then I had to deal with the fact that I'd waited too long and my biological clock had run out - and they all have biological kids. There are always differences, but sometimes I think it just takes a while to connect. Is it possible that you are overly aware of the age thing and being standoffish? What if you just walked up to them and introduced yourself and said, I am SO happy to meet you ladies, I really need some mom friends. They would probably be very receptive to your honesty and openness.

I'm 45 with a 5 year old and 3 other boys who are 14,12 and 11. I do try to socialize at things with the 5 year old, but find that I am at a different place, so it can be awkward.

I'm not worried about kindergarten or if he's on the right soccer team, I'm trying to get the oldest to get up earlier, eat breakfast and get to school on time! Next year that one will be in high school and I'll have 2 in middle school, so lots of stuff with the 5 year old is at the bottom of the list. Don't get me wrong, he gets lots of attention and isn't missing out on stuff, but bigger kids have bigger problems.

I've tried to talk to some of these Moms, but rarely do I find a mom who "gels" with me. Usually it's another Mom who has one around 5 and then some older kids.

I don't intentionally not talk to other moms. I might be on my cell phone trying to set up carpool or making up my grocery list during the park district class. I just have to cram a lot into the time where I don't have a kid with me!

Does that give you any insight?

M.

I do a bunch of different classes with my daughter and I don't get the feeling that many of the moms are interested in 'making friends.' Where moms seem to be the friendliest is at Library Story Time.

I'm going to be, swallow, 37 very soon. I have a bunch of 'younger' women I am socializing with with now. I will admit that it doesn't matter that much, but occasionally it does. We are of different generations, and I sometimes feel like we are at very different places in our lives, even though we both just had our first child, etc. I will also admit that I don't feel a natural connection with these younger women, or whatever that thing is where you just kind of 'get each other.'

It's nice to have friends, but it is especially nice to have friends you really connect with, as it is easier, much easier. My friendships with the younger moms take a lot of work. I'm willing to do the work, but it would be nice to have some friends where it is truly just 'easy.'

You are right, though, the moms at the park district aren't interested in socializing. I don't think it has anything to do with you or your age.

Hi! No age has never really mattered much to me. I have had friends that are much older then me and they are great friends. They have told me a lot of it is because I am very mature. This was when I was younger. I am 36 now. The women are still friends of mine too and I have friends that are quite a bit younger then I am and it is ok as long as we get along and have the same interests. I know this must me frusterating to you.
S.

Hi Lani,
I too have a hard time getting to know people at the park district things we go to. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old. Some of the things I noticed, people already have their groups and it is not as easy (as I would anticipate) to meet people and become friends. I think its just harder as adults.

I am sorry that age seems to be an issue, I think as moms, we need to band together. I have friends in their 20's and all the way up to 40's (I am 34). You should join our group! :-)

Good Luck!
B.

Lani,

This is an interesting post! I am at the opposite end of the spectrum, an older mom in my mid 40's with an 18 mos. old. I have also joined playgroups, my daughter has done classes thru the park district as well. I have found that it doesn't matter what age the mothers are, the majority have no interest in "socializing". I personally would enjoy talking to any age mom that has a child around the same age group as mine. Its interesting to hear the different styles of parenting people have & sharing advice. I have since decided, I will always make the attempt to add to my "mom friends", but not to take offense & realize its not me if it doesn't happen. Good luck & just take joy in watching your daughter have fun in the classes. :)

Lani, My perspective is a bit different. I most likely come across as one of those moms who seems "not interested in socializing" so I thought I should post.

I am 42 and own my own business. When I am at classes with my son I grab my computer and sit down to work. I save work to do when he is there, it is built into my work day so I have more time to spend with him while he isn't in classes. I think many parents see me as unapproachable. My suggestion is to simply sit near these moms and make short little comments about what is happening with the kids in class or other things. Like, "oh isn't that funny" Short comments open the door to a conversation if the person is willing. Trust me I am willing to converse and will occasionally put the computer away to chat but I would never start the conversation because I "plan" to work. I will take an excuse not to though :)

I wonder if these moms seem unapproachable because of their actions not their age. We all have so much on our minds today and don't take the time to sit and relax. I congrate you for taking the time and being who you are. I was planning to take my computer to martial arts today but I think I might just leave it home and chat with the moms. Thanks for reminding how important that is too!

I'm 32 with two little kids and most of my friends are around my age but some are up to 40. It hasn't made a difference but I guess 8 years older and 15 are different. But my husband is 15 years older than me and we are totally fine with our age difference. I guess I wouldn't strike up a friendship with a woman in her mid fourties with teenage kids but I wouldn't care if her kids were my kids' ages. Interesting topic though to bring up.

Reading your post brought back so many memories! When my oldest was 9 mos or so I joined a PD program, and was so looking forward to meeting other SAHM's or WAHM's and boy....was I disappointed. I felt also that the ladies were cliquish, and unsocial. I tried again with the same results.

What I did find was that many of the other ladies had older children in school and other activities and "knew" each other from seeing their faces at those events...the ice was already broken and much more convenient.

So then I did a library group and found that these mom's had either their first (like myself) or very young ones and this covered more common ground for me. Then after 6 or so "regular" meetings, one of the ladies asked if I would like to do a playdate. I took me a week or two to decide and then I did. It was great! Then we continued with the library group and asked another "regular" lady and so on. Kinda funny to think how we screened, but it was more of getting to know them and if we would all mesh. Of course this takes awhile so it would be a good 6 visits or so.

I also found more 'neighbor' mom's as mine got older. You see them outside and you it is easy to walk over for a playdate etc. but I also had good neighbors (very respectful of boundaries).

So I hear you loud and clear. I also agree with the other posters that it isn't age necessarily as it is time schedules, wanting to veg, and having just 'life's schedule' interrupting the social schedule. Keep trying, it's not you.

Have you tried MOMS CLUB? They have a website:
www.geocities.com or www.momsclub.org. This organization might offer more of what you are looking for. Hang in there and as you can tell by all the posts, you are not alone.

Lani,
I am 31, I have friends that are younger than me, still in their 20's, and I have friends that are older, in 40's. I find that with the older friends, I feel more like I look to them for advice, like a mentor or older sister. I love them, but sometimes I feel like we are not on the same page! As for my younger friends, sometimes I feel they are immature, so I think it just depends on the person and if you click and have children the same age. My one older friend has kids in their late teens, so I sometimes feel it hard to talk to her about all my "terrible two" situations! Don't look too hard, friends come into your life for certain reasons, when you least expect it!

Lani, Where do you live? I have been in this same situation so I know what you are going through. BTW, I also moved here from Lousiana but at 6 YOA.LOL My entire family lives there still.

If you live close we should get together and have a playdate. I have many friends that have children and are in our agre group. We are always looking for new moms to join out little playgroup. If you intrested shoot me a message.

I live in Palos Park

Talk to you soon'
B.

Age has never been an issue with me. However, sometimes you end up in those classes and the group of women either don't click, they're focused on using the scheduled time to catch up on their own stuff or they are in such a tight clique that you end up being an outsider. Some days I would socialize, other days, I would catch up on paperwork, menu-plan, write letters, etc... I have found interesting moms in a variety of ages. So many times, if the conversation or group was interesting - I could sway myself to jump in and figure out another time to juggle my responsibilities. The common ground that you have, when children are about the same age, opens the door to meeting people. That doesn't mean that the moms will necessarily be nice, welcoming or socially available. It is WHAT it is!

Please, please, please, keep making that effort. Keep throwing your pleasantness out there. You are going to touch the right person's heart and make that connection. Be a good listener and be interested in others. Ask lots of questions, initiate conversations about hobbies, newsworthy items and recipes and get people talking about their favorite subjects - their children, their families, themselves! Invite a few over for sandwiches when the weather gets warmer. Your background is very interesting and soon, people will be all over you, seeing a poised responsible person, (listening to your accent) and will be interested in your history, life and friendships will be created.

If this group won't budge... then, move on. Get involved in the library programs or move on to other "mom/tot" groups through religious affiliations. You will find your niche of friends and, trust me, they will not care how old you are.

Have fun finding those friends.