Is It Ever Too Late or Just Wrong to Change a Childs Last Name?

I think it will be really confusing for them. Why is it such a big deal to change their last name? It's just a name really. I would not do it now. It will be hard on them, their teachers, their family and all their friends.

When my daughter was born her dad and i were not married, she had my last name (he refused to sign the BC {should have been my first clue!! DUH}) so after a while we got married and changed her last name, BUT I left my maiden name in there. her dad and i are now separtarted, she is 15, should we get a divorce she wants to drop his name as well. i think i wont let her at 15, i will let her think about it until she is an adult and she can make that choice.
My mom never knew her dad, she was 3 when her mom died and she left all his kids, she had never known him, she called him by his first name, she married my dad at 19 they divorced in their 40's my mom decided, to keep my dad's last name, she said he did more for her in her life time than her own dad did.

Let them grow up, let them become adults and decide for themselves.

My nephew changed his name when is was around 12. Before he changed his name he was the only one in the family with a different last name. I think it was a positive change for him and he was happy to get the same last name as everyone else he lived with. He still has contact and visits his father, but lives with his mom, step-dad and sister full time, so it made sense to give him the same last name as they have.

you can do it any time, and no, it's not wrong. under your circumstances i'd do it too.
but for the sake of keeping things easy on them (they're in school now so they're going to have to do a lot of correcting, aren't they?), do it sooner rather than later.
khairete
S.

I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old and I want to correct two things I read below.

1. No, not all 6 year olds do know their own last name, and many of their friends don't know it either. I thought that was something I could take for granted, but I am amazed at the number of kids in my older son's class that do not know their classmates last names.

2. At 6 years old I would absolutely not include them in this decision. Yes they would be affected by any change, but they have no clue what that means. Please do not concern them in this matter.

I good friend of ours has all but adopted a friends daughter. She refers to him as her uncle (though they are not related), but she lives with him, he cares for her, he parents her in every way. Her maternal grandparents have custody, her mother lives with her and the "uncle," her father has only vaguely been in the picture, and there has been talk of changing her last name several times. This child is so confused. She doesn't need things like this from the adults. She is so lucky to have this "uncle" in her life. He and her grandparents are the only constants in her life - that and spending almost every Sunday with me and my boys.

Sorry, guess this one hit a bit close to him.

Do not burden the 6 year olds with this. When/if you are ready to make a decision to change their last name, just tell them. Let them ask questions, but do not concern them with the decision making process.

In changing their last name, what are you seeking to accomplish? They are too young to be involved in such a conversation. What will you get out of the name change? Is this to send a message to the dead beat dad?

A name change won't change the current realities. I would focus on taking him to court for child support, assuming that he doesn't pay.......instead of this. You could always hyphenate the names.

My middle daughter had her dad's last name until she was in the 7th grade. My husband, the only dad she has ever really known, adopted her. Her last name became the same as everyone else's. So no, it's never too late.

As to if it's wrong, I can't answer that for you. That's a decision you and your kiddos have to make.

Doc beat me to it -- I too was wondering what dad's position on this will be; whether he has any legal partial custody or other rights; and whether he might contest this. Sometimes, unfortunately, the parent who has been mostly absent or "I'll see you when I see you" can suddenly get all upset and involved when something like this comes up and triggers feelings that they are being cut out. I totally agree with you about changing your kids' names, but if I were you I'd be sure to consult a lawyer and be prepared in case dad decides to contest this.

Do it now, though; if he does fight it, that will delay things, and you don't want this to drag out until the kids are older. Someone said that the kids know their name and so do their friends, but at six, their friends actually probably don't know or care about their last name. Do talk to your kids about it in advance, of course; this should not be something to announce to them after it's done; but it's also not something for them to vote on, necessarily. Just explain that it's nice, and easier, if they have mommy's last name and it does not make daddy any less their daddy. (You might get some surprise resistance from the kids, depending on how they feel about dad -- if they are attached to him despite the fact YOU know he's a dud, they might resist--are you prepared to talk with them if they do?)

Ask the kids what name they would prefer to use.

If the kids have his last name I assume that he signed the birth certificates? Or there is an affidavit of parentage? (unless you were married?) The father will be notified by the court and can contest-so you may want to find out his stance, before you start a court battle.
At six they know their name and so do their friends. I would just let it go. Hopefully dad gets himself together-but if not you kids will remember that you gave him every opportunity to do so.
It's unfortunate that dad is not stepping up. But, he is still dad whether they share a last name or not.

I'm a single parent as well. 2 kids, 2 dads. My oldest has her dad's last name and my son has my last name. I want to hyphenate. This way they have both of our names.
So my answer is to hyphenate.

I'll chime in with personal experience. My dad, nor anyone in his family, were ever a part of my life. He and my Mom split when I was 2 however didn't officially divorce until I was in 6th grade. At that time my Mom asked my brother and I what we thought about changing our last name to her maiden name. We, of course, said YES! Why would we want the name of a man we did not know? He definitely was NOT a father. It was hurtful to be associated by name with someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with us. We were a family of three and I felt even then that should be reflected in name. I never, ever had any regrets!

My parents divorced when I was 3. My father moved back to France where he is from and I saw him twice from 3 to 18. I wanted to change my name to my mother's maiden name but could not b/c we could not track my father down to get him to sign that he would allow it. Not sure if the law has changed since then. I was going to change once I turned 18 (then it was up to me and he did not have to sign). Unfortunately, I found it to be too difficult as I turned 18 in May and graduated from high school in June which meant all of my college paperwork had been done. I had applied for grants, scholarships, etc. I was advised it would be a massive headache to change. I never revisited it after that. I wish I had done it a year later after college paperwork, etc. was settled. So, my point is, make sure your ex doesn't have to sign and, if you are going to do it, do it now. Not sure if your kiddos are in school yet, if not DEFINITELY do it now so you can have everything changed over. If they are, it will still be better to make the switch now and get their new names established.

1 additional note - it will be much easier with the schools, etc. if you have the same name as your kids. Yes, they have become more accepting of women keeping their maiden names or hyphenating or being unmarried moms, etc. but the truth is, they still question why the last names are different. My husband's ex returned to her maiden name (yea for me!). Now I have the same last name as my stepson and she does not. Guess who gets questioned when trying to pick him up from school, talk to teachers, etc.? Much easier to have the same last name!

My step-daughter has gone through three last names. When she was born, she was given her mother's last name, which made sense because she and my husband weren't married. When my SD was 5, her mother had been married for a few years to another guy and had kids with him so my husband foolishly agreed to let her change her name to that guy's name. She left him less than a year later (and ended up going back to him but that's a whole 'nother story...). At that point, my husband said "enough" and got her mother to agree to change her name to his/our last name, which she has had for almost 10 years. She lives with us now so that worked out well in the end.

It's a bit of a pain because whenever she has anything that relies on her birth certificate, we have to attach the birth certificate plus two name change documents so that they can track her back to the name on her birth certificate. We also had to do the same thing with her First Communion and Confirmation papers because those track back to her baptismal certificate. However, we did get her a state-issued ID when she was 14 and had her social security card updated to her current name and she now has a passport as well so now she has official ID in her legal name that has her DOB on it so that should mitigate the whole birth certificate problem.

If I were you, I would go ahead and make the change. It's not too late and it sounds like the sensible thing to do.

ETA: names and child support have nothing to do with each other. You can call your child anything you want (with the other parent's permission or legal notice)...their father is still legally recognized as their father and has rights and responsibilities no matter what you call your kids.

Maybe you could hyphenate (sp) the last names and eventually let his drop off? Unless they are both extremely long last names. I would want my children to carry my last name too so I can see where you are coming from. I don't think its too late but if you're going to do it, I would do it now.

I think changing their name is a good idea. I grew up in a family where some family members had one last name and others had a different one. People don't realize how that makes a child feel. It's like being excluded from a club. Change their name and buy a name plaque. They'll love it!

Interesting... I don't have experience with this and just read answers out of curiousity and boredom at work. I expected people to say of course it's not too late. So I will now chime in and say they are only 6 and if you say you are changing their last name because they live with you and it's easier, I would think they won't bat an eyelash. In your shoes, I would want them to have my last name. You 3 are a family. The father is barely in the picture. Different last names in a pain in the neck and in this case I don't see why that inconvenience needs to exist. And then for solidarity, I would want the same name as my kids. They are your kids in almost every sense of the word. Taking their dad's last name away is not going to change his involvement (or is it? If it does, then that's another matter) so do what's best for you. It seems he does what's best for him... I do like the idea of hyphenating if your last names aren't really long. I know someone who never married the father of her child though they lived together as married for years. The child's last name is both of theirs. In that case, the father is quite involved so he should definitely be represented. But I do feel like it's nice for the child to have both names. If you don't want to hyphenate, you can make their middle names his last name and drop their given middle names. I did that with my maiden when I got married... So kind of a compromise. Then you can also tell them you are just adding your last name to their names. My kids are older and still don't think a lot about their actual middle names... As for the one person who bashed your "choices" ignore her. You were 22.

You can petition the courts, but if the father is involved at all then they may not allow it unless he does. My mother tried to change our last name when our father went MIA and the court said no, he still had joint legal custody. It wouldn't have changed his responsibility toward us, but the court didn't allow it anyway. I would have had it changed at 10 yrs old. I think that 6 is certainly not "too old" to try.

How do the kids feel about it? Do they identify themselves as "Smiths" vs "Joneses"? Do they have relationships with that side of the family? My sister and I rid ourselves of our maiden name in adulthood (I took back my mother's maiden name, which had been my birth name) in part because we had no identity as "Smiths". We had no relationships with relatives on that side, aside from our grandparents, and that was cursory at best.

If it cannot be changed, consider that they are not the only kids with a different name than one or more of their parents, for one or more reasons.

At six, they are old enough to have an opinion about whether or not they'd like their name to match mommy's. What do they want?

I didn't take my husband's name when we married because I had established my profession in my maiden name. When we had our first child, though I changed it because I didn't want to be the only one in he family that didn't match. It felt wrong and we were no longer a yuppie couple, we were a family and I wanted our names to reflect that.

In terms of past bad decisions, I would hope at this point, six years later, you are older and wiser. I don't think you're trying to make them pay the price. You're trying to establish a more unified family feel. You can't change your past, but you can focus on now and the future. If the kids are okay with it, I'd change their name to yours, or, even easier, change yours to match theirs.

It's never too late. But you have waited long enough that the children need to have input here. After all it is their name. To you, it is the name of your ex. But to them it is part of their identity. If they want to change - great. If not, I think you are stuck. After all you wouldn't change their first names at this age without involving them.

ETA - it is very common and perfectly acceptable to schools for you to have a different last name than the kids. I didn't change my last name - it is the name I use professionally and it had been mine for 40 years when I got married. I have NEVER had a problem with daycare, school, insurance or anything else.

Why don't you ask them what they would like to do. They are old enough to know if they want to change their names or not. They might not want to do it. Or they might want to.

Can you add your last name to their names sort of as a middle name?

i.e. Robert James Jones Smith

i would do it now. best time would have been before they started school. only problem may be that you need dads permission in some states and /or cases.

I know exactly how you feel. My now 16 year old went through the same thing your kids are going through now. He was in/out for several years, sometimes going a year or two w/o contact. I would constantly email him or call him begging him to make contact with her bc my heart ached to see her in tears and thinking she was not loved by this POS! 6 years after we were divorced, I got remarried and wanted desperately to give my daughter her step dad's last name but as I figured the POS fought me on it. Honestly, I don't think he cared, I think he just enjoyed the power that he had in that. I hope you don't have to go through this. Just curious, does he pay CS? If he doesn't, you need to get that done! Good luck!

My Mom's cousin was widowed when her daughter was 1 yr old.
She remarried 2 years later to a man who had a daughter the same age.
To have everyone in the family have the same name she changed her daughters name.
Some of her first husbands family were very upset about it, and if it were a son she wouldn't have changed it (so he could carry on the family name).
But girls typically change their names when they marry (and she did just that) so her birth name was going to go away eventually anyway.

My mom literally got pregnant by the boy next door when she was 19. They never married and she never had any more kids. I had my moms last name. My "father" has known how to reach me for 47 year but never has. Although I don't have his last name, interestingly enough, my mom felt pressure from HIS parents regarding her choice of my first name and she did name me what THEY wanted. She has always regretted that. If I were you, I would change their names now so they get used to it and they are still young. Good luck.

I don't think you should take his name away from them. If they want to change it later then let them do so but all in all, it's their name.

If he's their father you'll also have to get his permission. I'd think he'd say no if he cares at all.

There's not a magical right choice. I know many moms --never married, married, and divorced-- who don't have the same last name as their kids. It's not a big deal unless their dad's last name bothers you on principle.

At this age, even to hyphenate, you'll need to go through the court. http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/circuit/cc1427.pdf

The filing fee in VA for the name change of a minor is very low. The fact you couldn't afford it (even doubling that for twins) suggests that maybe this is a bad priority. Even if you were doing quite well financially right now, there are probably better things to spend the money on. Open a minor's savings account and tell them it's for college. If the kids don't have a Gerber Life insurance plan, spend the money on the initial premiums. Even a great day at the beach building memories!

You're 28. You conceivably could change their name to yours and then marry someone, gaining a new last name yourself. Then the money would be wasted.

I'm divorced. My kids' are hyphenated. People still use just "Dad's name" or even call me my ex-husband's name.

It is very hard when kids are little to do it all on your own and it can seem like just one more unfair thing that they don't share your name, one more way that you aren't acknowledged for doing ALL the heavy lifting. Don't let it distract you from the stuff that really matters.

In 12 years, you are going to watch your children walk across the stage at high school graduation. All you will care about is "Those are my babies," not what last name is mispronounced by the clueless vice principal.

I think I would leave their names alone. If you were married they would have had his last name and you probably wouldn't be looking to change it when you split (even if he was equally not involved). He is their father (used loosely or not) and they are old enough to know their name is changed (school aged).

I would leave it alone and IF they want to change their name when they are older they can. If they are girls, chances are, they will change their last name when they marry anyway.