Is There Anything You Wish You Would Have Said or Asked?

Just do not remind her of what is coming - sometimes asking for all those things at once can do more damage than good.

I wish I'd recorded more of my conversations with my mother. And.....that I could find the ones I did record.

I wish I'd recorded her talking about her and her family's history. Was she born at home? Where did they all live? What happened to Aunt (can't remember her name even.) But we visited her when I was a child. That sort of thing. What were me and my siblings like as babies and children.

Some stories were repeated enough I thought I would remember them but now, at 69, I don't.

I wish I had talked with her about her dying as she was dying. We, somehow, kept thinking there was more time. I wish I had a better sense of how she felt about her life. What did she wish she'd done differently. What advice she had for me. What does it feel like to be dying and know it's soon?

Not a darn thing. I can't even imagine trying to make memories at the last minute. Not trying to be a Debbie downer but there is no happiness in forced memories and that was not how I would have wanted to remember my grandma.

I wish I had had the sense to get her recipe book before my uncle threw it away thinking it was just an address book but at least I knew the recipes. It just always made me laugh how she hid them so her sisters couldn't find them. :)

I can say I have no regrets not spending what little time I had interrogating her. From the smiles on my daughter's faces I can say I had more than enough stories to pass down. :)

Why don't you spend the time going over memories you already have. That way she will know she will be remembered.

I am sorry for your coming loss. But I would say that it's really up to her now, if she is like my Dad was the last few weeks before he passed, she won't want to be questioned. Let HER talk of the things she wants to, let her know how much you love her and what she has done for you, don't force conversation on her. She is going through a time of transition, being on the spot (being asked questions made my Dad feel he HAD to participate in the conversation and he was too tired to most of the time) prevents them from letting go and prolongs their discomfort, many of the hospice nurses who came to our home told us this. My Dad had severe problems with pain and anxiety from his cancer and kidney failure and was on morphine and anti-anxiety meds, we spent our time trying to make him as comfortable as possible, being with him for what HE needed, it's all about the dying person at this point..

Just let her know you are there, ask if there is anything she needs, ask IF there is anything she'd like to talk about, and take her lead. This is her journey, allow her to do it her way. I know you may feel you are "missing out," but you never know what treasured memories she may leave if you allow her to do it her way.

{{HUGS}} I know this is hard.

Bring a tape recorder or video camera and record your talks. Ask her things about her childhood, or early days as a newlywed, how she met your grandfather, any funny stories, about her faith and what it means to her, favorite songs, parenting and marriage advice/anecdotes, recipes, ask about her parents and grandparents, siblings, aunts uncles, great grandparents names and date of birth/death, ... it would be wonderful if you ever want to learn about your family history. Be sure you ask if there are any special mementos she would like to pass down, and how or why those items are special, (like if she has a special porcelain doll or a wartime medal from her father or something).

My father died when he was 49 from cancer, I was only about 22. I wish I had done more of these things.

I lost my grandmother unexpectedly one month almost to the day after I had my last child. We had actually made plans to see her on Saturday and she died on Wednesday.

My grandmother was an AWESOME cook. She LOVED to sew and I am convinced that she could make anything grow just by putting an aspirin in the water (and maybe a little grandma spit). ;)

There is not a day that goes by that I don't want to call her and ask her about who SHE was as a little girl. If she had dreams she never got to fulfill. Was my grandpa her one and only love? How does she make those chicken n dumplins so DAMN GOOD? And a myriad of other questions I can't even begin to list here.

The ONE THING I want to do it sit next to her, with her grandma smell and her grandma crooked fingers while she knitted and lean against her and have her pat me on my head and tell me everything's going to be ok. And believe it. And no amount of questions is going to give more comfort than that.

So I say...BE WITH HER. Talk to her. Tell her that you love her and value her and want her to know she'll be missed. The rest, will come to you...

I am sending comforting thoughts to you and know that the words will come when you need them to.

I remember the last time I saw my grandmother.
I had travelled to Tennesse to spend two weeks with her. We had a grand time.
She had many grandchildren and great grandchildren, but she and I had always had such a special bond. We both swore, that even if we hadn't been related, we'd have been the best of friends. We just had an adoration for each other.
She was 93 and quite frail. But still spunky. I soaked her feet and rubbed her tiny legs with lotion. I rubbed her arthritic hands. I made her the best eggs she swore she'd ever tasted. I walked to the store not far away from her house and got caught in a sudden thunder/lightening/rain storm. She called my uncle to come after me. I was soaked to the skin as I ascended her back porch steps. She met me on the sun porch and had towels waiting for me. She made me strip naked (I wasn't going to track water on her beautiful hard wood floors!) and she towelled me off, including my hair, then slipped one of her robes on me. We giggled and laughed so hard at the thought of the sight of us. Her drying me off bare naked on her sun porch. And she brushed my long hair, dabbing it a bit in between to make sure it wouldn't drip.
It's one of my fondest memories.

As the time approached for me to leave, I began crying. The kind of silent crying you try to hold in so hard that your head hurts. I had a headache for two days knowing that it was time for me to go home. She put her arms around me and said, "Honey, this is the last time I will see you in this life. I have always loved you and I'll be waiting to see you again someday when it's your time to come to me."
I tried to be strong and I tried to tell her that I would see her again, but I did know, somehow in my heart, that she was right.
I took pen to paper and as she napped, I wrote. When we sat out having watermelon on the porch, I wrote.
I left her a "love letter" under her pillow the day I left, knowing she wouldn't find it until after I was gone.
I poured my love out to her. All of it. And she had a sense of humor so there were some parts that I knew would make her laugh.
Having her in my life for so many years was such a gift to me and I poured it all out there.

She had been right. It was the last time I would ever see her. But she saved that letter in her jewelry box with her many other treasures. My aunt said that she often took it out and read it and felt close to me when she did.
I, fortunately, had so many things from my grandmother that I had saved throughout my life. I miss her so much, but I find comfort knowing that her blood runs through my veins. And my children's veins. And I have a thousand funny memories of her.
Take pictures. Video as much as possible if she's willing. My grandmother loved to cook so she taught me all the secrets to her wonderful meals from the time I was a child. Maybe get some recipe cards and write down things as she recalls them.

This isn't so much about losing her. We all have to go in our own time. This should be about enjoying her while she's here and connecting and making the most of your time together.

I can't explain it, but those little things made it easier for me to deal with losing her. I still miss her. I still talk to her. I still know she's looking down and watching over me. I did everything I could to make memories and let her know how much I adored her.

One of my greatest gifts in this life is that she had always, always adored me.
I put it all in a letter to her.

I hope you get some great advice.
I believe we should treasure those we love and make the best of every moment while we have them.

Hold your grandmother's hand. Find a thing to giggle about. Reminisce.
Honor. Be as present as you can.

Best wishes.

My best advice is to record her voice! That is what I miss the most about my Dad and my Nan and Pops. So many times I feel like if I could just hear their voices my heart wouldnt hurt so much. Also, make sure you have specific details about stories and events in her life. Even stories I thought I knew by heart are starting to fade in the five years since she has been gone! If at all possible, try to be there in her final moments. I was holding my Nan's hand as she took her final breath and it is something I am so very thankful for.
I pray that your memories will be a comfort for you!

I lost both of my parents in 09. My dads death was sudden, and my moms was long, but she wasn't right in her mind for a very long time (she was very hurtful and not herself during the time I did get with her).
I probably wouldn't ask or say anything specific, except "I Love You."
The time spent is more then I could ever ask for. What I wouldn't give to have one more day doing "whatever" with my dad. Playing cards, bbq-ing, watching our favorite shows, going for a drive, or just sitting out on the patio sipping drinks on a nice day. I don't even think one word would have to be said for me to totally be appreciative of that time. We were very close, and I miss him.
I am very sorry for what your going through, losing someone is never easy, knowing someone's time is short isn't either. Big hugs, hang in there.

Just talk. Take pictures. Create memories. Fill in corners. Maybe go through old albums and talk about relatives, or her youth or your childhood. Tell her how much you love her as often as possible.

It is so hard to say good bye. Hugs to you.

My mom's dad passed away when I was 17 and a senior in high school. We knew he was not in great health, but did not realize how bad it was. We were with him for Christmas (as we were every year). He passed away on Jan 2nd, so we all came together again for the funeral. It all happened so fast, and I didn't really have time to think about it.

I would have to honestly say, no. There isn't anything I wish I had asked him. There is so much I don't know about my family, but there is also so much I do know. I'm actually very grateful that I was there for his last Christmas. He was the first grandparent I lost, and he was the one I was closest to. When I look back, I don't have any regrets. I'm just so grateful for all the time I had with him.

I do think it's wondeful that you want to ask her questions and really learn from her. Go for it! But in the process, don't miss the joy of just being with her. If you get all your questions answered but didn't have quality time with her, that you will regret.

A couple of years ago, I knew my GM was getting older and her health was not where it was suppose to be i had always lived in another town from her and ended up in a situation where i had to stay in her town for about six months, i went to see her every chance i got despite the fact that she was getting pretty mean! lol she would pretty much tell me I needed to lose weight everytime i saw her and I just simply agreed and went on with conversations, but more than anything i would take my sons to see her, my youngest son was only 3 and was great company he is a very entertaining young man and she loved to spoil him when he came over so I wanted to give him those memories and to make her happy. I would talk to her about everything and nothing at all I never really asked her specific questions though. i would take lots of pictures of her with my children and myself and other family, so we have those tangible memories too.

How wonderful to have this time to talk with your grandmother. I lost my mother to a drunk driver when I was 36 and she was just 58. That was 15 years ago. There are so many things I would still like to talk with her about that I wouldn't even know where to start...

I lost my father last August. I was able to spend several days alone with him during his last months. I didn't ask him many questions at all. I let him ask me some questions, that he'd never asked before. I let him talk about whatever he wanted to talk about. I just spent time with him, ate meals, listened, was present as much as possible.

I am so sorry about your grandmother. It's always hard to lose someone you love, no matter the circumstances.

When my maternal grandma was dying, I spent a lot of time talking to her about her life, what her lifw was like during the depression, what my mom was like as a child, and her memories of me when I was little. the one thing I regret not doing was tape recording the talks I had with her. Sure, I can remember a lot of what she told me, but not every detail, and now that she's gone, I have a hard time remembering what her voice sounds like. I'd give anything to be able to share her voice with my nieces, her great-grandchildren.

Maybe you can tape your talks with her to have and cherish after she's gone.

Hugs to you during this difficult time.

So sorry for this season of loss you're experiencing. Grandmothers are such a precious gift. I applaud you for the foresight to glean what you can from these final days/hours you have with her.

Two questions come to mind that you might consider asking her:
1.) Looking back over your life, what is one thing you wish you had done differently, and why.

2.) What's something you're grateful you did, and why

Her answers to these 2 questions may prove to be treasures. A treasure you can give HER is to tell her that you know how much she loves you. She probably knows how much you love her, and may find tremendous comfort in knowing that you know the depth of her love for you.

It was very difficult when my grandma passed, but even sadder, she had a stroke about 4 years prior and couldnt communicate with us anymore. We did get called to the nursing home when it was her last few days, we made the trip out and I was the last to leave the room. I just hugged her and told her honestly that I loved her more than she'd ever know, I'd love her forever and miss her and she was the best woman and grandma I'd ever know.

I wish I had more video tape of her to see her move, laugh and to hear her voice. I also wish I had kept all those letters and cards that were in her handwritting that she used to send me.

But mostly, regardless of those things, I know in my heart of hearts that she loved me as deeply as I loved her.

I stopped reading the responses after I read the one from G. Rocks. She is so right. Your G. may not want to be asked the questions and it is all up to her now.

I would say take pictures, videos, snapshots, etc. 24/7. But especially videos. Keep a daily journal of what occurred as you are with her now. Include her foods, her visitors, her attitude, etc.

God bless you.

So sorry you are losing someone you love.

I know that I miss the chance to ask my grandmothers about their families. Oddly enough, everyone had nicknames, personal feuds, died young, etc. that I don't really have a complete family tree, nor do I have a lot of photos with names on the back to identify who is who, what kid goes with what parent, who so-and-so is married to. If you have some pictures or tree to fill in, that could be nice and start some good conversations so you can learn more. Try to record your time together - you'll miss her voice and small gestures, AND you'll be able to focus on just being with her instead of remembering everything she is telling you.

I have one grandparent left, my beloved pop-pop. He is 97 and lives 1500 miles away. I try to store up as much "him" as I can on my yearly visits. Stubborn guy won't talk about the family much, though, so I feel my chance to fill in the gaps is rapidly closing.

I lost my grand mother. She became a widow when my mom was about one year old. She was born in 1890 in Minneapolis Minnisota. When she and my grandfather got married (1914) they came to California on their honeymoon and never went back.
I was going to ask her how she met my grandfather and what they did on dates.
How did they make the trip to California? Train, Wagon with horses or oxen.
How did their parents meet?
What did they do for a living?
Did they live on a farm or in the city or what.
When and how did he ask her to marry him.
I wanted to know how far she made it in school and what were some of her favorite games to play when she was a kid.
What was her favorite color?
Did she have a dog or a cat as pets?
My grandma was the oldest of 12 kids. She worked in Kresege (it later became K-Mart) and was such a good worker in the sewing department that they promoted her to a position across town. They raised her pay from 10 cents per day to 15 cents and she broke down crying. They asked her why she was crying and she told them she was going to have to take the street car to get across town and it cost 5 cents each way so they gave her an additional dime a day to pay for the street car.

Anyway, you get the idea. I so wish I had asked her before I left for college. She died before I got back. for my first summer vacation. She was 80. I was 20. I miss her and I miss my mom. Fortunately I asked my mom and spent time with her. I miss them both tremendously.

Good luck to you and yours.

I lost my cousin at the age of 17 to liver cancer. She had it in her eye at age 13 and 14, then it spread to her liver at age 16. It will be 11 years
May 2. She was my closest girl cousin, 4 years younger than me. She has reached the age where she was fun to hang around and not a shadow anymore. My main regret is that I did not get to spend more time with her at this stage in her life and I a wish I had told her how much she meant to me as a person. I am sure your grandmother knows you love her and I hope you are able to ask everything you want!

What do you wish you had done more of in life?

My grandmother was from another country and time. She was born circa 1920 and was from West Germany. I know her family was of status and wealth but I don't know much. I would've loved to have been able to ask her what her life was like during WWII, how she came adopt my mom, why she never chose to become a citizen of the US in spite of living here for half of her life. Sadly, I lost her to cancer in 2003 before I had my oldest. I would've loved to have learned all about her but she was a private German woman whom her own daughter(my mother)does not know much about.

Ask all the questions you can, share in all the time you have left with her, learn all you can from family and enjoy what the smiles and joy that I'm sure will accompany an inevitable end. I hope this journey leaves you with more hope than sorrow in the end.

Ask about her parents and grandparents! Get as much of that information as you can so that you will know your family's roots.

Before my grandma died I got a couple of recipes, talked mainly about her life, etc. I knew many things but did find out more as she would tell me things. I had to sift through some as it gets muddled at age 95 and yet I learned a lot about her feelings and life and she told me things I should do or not do. Not many as she was mainly quiet and just answered what I asked or talked about. My aunt wrote things down and has so much saved that way from over the years. But no matter what you ask or not ask or talk about or think you have there will always be a day when you think, " I wish I could ask Grandma about that" or " I want to tell or show Grandma this". They are always missed and hold the key to so much about us. I'm sorry you are losing your grandma but love her these last days and enjoy them.

I wish I had asked my Grandparents more questions about their lives growing up and how things were back then as well as family history. My Mom regrets not asking things like that too of her parents and Grandparents. Her Dad was in the military and she knows nothing of his experiences.

I would also record her conversations so you can hear her voice and not forget what she tells you.

Also maybe go through her pictures and ask questions about them. Write on the back who they are etc if there isn't information on them. I've found when my relatives passed we didn't know who some of the people were in the photo's....

My Dad's voice is still on my Mom's answering machine and I like to hear it when she's not home. I also still have his cell phone with his message still on there that way I can still hear him even though he's no longer with us.

Go through her pictures and make sure family from generations ago are labeled. I thought I had all my grandmother's pictures in albums and labeled but after she passed away I found MORE. Tintypes and may pictures not labeled.

I also photographed my grandmothers hand with my daughter's.

Go to the internet & search for a book "Grandmother, tell me about your life" - it allows you to record her voice & you can make notes of the things she's telling you. It's so WONDERFUL to have their voice when they're gone. Our family are singers & it's great to hear my mother & daddy singing the old songs I heard so many times when they were still with us. You may be able to find this book at a Barnes & Noble or a Bible bookstore. I'm sorry for your upcoming loss, but capture as much as you can while she's here; you will find it comforting in years to come. God bless you! ...I....

There are so many things I wish I could have shared with and said and asked my mom before she died, that I wouldn't know where to start to answer your question. But I did want to tell you that, even though it is very tough no doubt dealing with this, cherish every minute you have and feel blessed you have had the time you have had with her. My mom died suddenly when she was 41, I was 20, my sister 17 and my brother 10. We had no time to say goodbye so hold every moment you have dear. Also, I don't know if you have young children or not, but if you do talk to them about her often. It breaks my heart how little my brother remembers my mom 18 years later, even though they were inseperable when she was alive.