Is This a Marriage Worth Saving?

Have you considered counseling for just you? My friend was in a similar situation and when her husband refused to go she went alone. It gave her someone to talk things through with and enabled her to examine all issues in their relationship before deciding what to do.

Hi Ms. L.,
Well, I am not someone who gives up on a marriage, however I would definitely set up some boundaries. I agree with the post on "Power of a Praying Wife," I read that and my marriage today is so much different than when I read that probably four years ago. God is all powerful. He does care and I hope you don't just believe in God and Christ, but you actually BELIEVE that He will do what His word says He will do.....like, "Never leave or forsake you". Or that "he has plans to prosper you, with a future and hope." (I am not a bible scholar and don't quote it, but you get the point of the verse)
My one caution is to set the standard that despite your disagreements right now, living in a toxic home is not healthy for you or your children. One of your other posts was in regard to one of your daughters having migraines....could the stress be playing a part in that?
I also agree with getting counseling for yourself. You have to take care of you....surely no one else will, so take the time and meet with someone to sort out what you need to.
My heart aches to read your pain and frustration. God can change your husbands heart and I will pray for that to happen. I have seen before my own eyes more than two examples of prayer changing someone---one was very cold, angry, and SO difficult---what a miracle.

When I feel a disconnect with my husband we schedule a night to dinner with just us two...it is so hard to stay connected with the children, work, after school activities, housework, errands, to the point that misunderstanding each other is so easy. Sometimes feelings are harboring that started so small and when left to fester it grows and is unrecognizable. A sitter and dinner is where I would start if he won't go to counseling...be honest and write specifically what you want for your family. Men need direct specific communication, that is expressed with respect to all feelings involved. He may be overwhelmed or depressed and shut down (I respond this way). Try to see if he has unmet needs that could be addressed....but make sure you are taking care of you at the same time.

I truly hope and am praying for peace in your home and self.

HI L.,
You have some good advice and recommendations for reading. I struggle with this from time to time. BUT, what keeps me working on things is this question...at the end of the day, could I look my kids in the face and say we got a divorce over XYZ (whatever had set me off)? If the reason were good, ok, but if I had to say " Daddy and I are divorcing b/c of eggs, or errands or whatever" I don't think I could do it. So find a way take control back, and have a plan "B". Example, I was always trying new recipes, shopping to buy what he liked, but half the time he would eat dinner at Mcdonalds on his way home. I would feel crushed and disappointed. Then I decided to only cook for my kids and I, not him. After we eat, I put the food away. I took that control back from him on this matter. I state what I need and expect from him...example: I need to you pick the kids up on Friday. It's not a question. Two weeks ago, I asked him if he got the Sunday paper (he buys a paper everyday for the Sports section) and he said he hadn't. I asked if he was going to, and he said no, and THEN said "why can't you go?". So I went to the store (at night)and bought the paper and threw out the Sports section b/4 I got home. Of course he looked for it and it wasn't their. I played innocent. Ha ha. I love him, don't get me wrong, but playing the good little wife and letting him treat me in a way I don't like, just won't work. Things need to change, but divorce isn't always the answer. We take things more serious than they do, so sometimes, you just have to treat him the way he treats you....Good luck, hang in there.

Wow L. it sounds like you're really going through it. The only advice I can give you is to buy the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. You yourself cannot change your husband but God can. I'm reading this book right now and it is really changing how I view my husband and how I view myself. I am from a divorced family and I promise you divorce is not something you want to do to your kids. They suffer the most in the end and they did nothing wrong. Even now as a married adult with my own child I still feel the effects of my parents divorce. Instead of visiting one family on Thanksgiving or Christmas I visit two and then also my husbands family. And my sister and I have had to deal with endless conversations (esp. with my dad) about "your mom...blah blah" and "your dad is.." and it's hard to deal with because you love both of your parents.

I'm not saying your husband doesn't sound difficult because he does but I'm saying your marriage is worth saving. God can change any situation if you just give it to Him. I hope this advice is helpful and I really hope you get the book (even if your not a Christian, it will really change your life). God Bless!

L.,
It seems many have given you great advice and most believe that EVERY marriage is worth saving. I believe differently. My parents divorced, and I honestly don't feel I suffered b/c of it. My parents married young and grew apart. It happens to many people. They fought all the time. Our family was actually happier once they divorced. Of course, we missed our Dad, but we saw him every other weekend and eventually they both remarried and were both very happy. Had they stayed together, I'm not sure what would have happened, but I don't necessarily believe it would have been a "happy" household. So, the question you should ask is not,"is this a marriage worth saving?"...you need to ask,"CAN this marriage be saved?". Unfortunately, only you can answer that question. If your husband is not willing to attend counseling with you,and you feel you've tried everything,..then your level of happiness greatly depends on how you react to the environment your in. You can fight it, adapt to it, ignore it, or just change your situation all together(ie:divorce).
Since none of us really know the whole story, I don't think any advice we'd give would be the "right" one. But when making your decision, weigh your options...in which scenario would you lose more? Would you lose more by leaving your marriage...or would you lose more by staying? Some people stay together when they shouldn't have...yet on the same token, there are others who give up too early. I suppose it depends on how long this has been going on and what degree of unhappiness is realistically felt between the 2 of you. A family is not happy simply because their parents are married...a family is hapy when the parents are happy. My best friend came from a family in which her parents were lovebirds their entire marriage...at 60, they are still insanely in love. My husband came from a family in which his parents are stll married,but miserable...and he hates going home. :/ He left the house when he was 16 and dreads going on holidays. My parents are divorced, and I love going to both their houses.
So...there really is no telling what you should do,L.. Only you know the answer. Of course, it couldnt hurt to read the books that others recommended and see if maybe something in there may help. Try a marriage class rather than "counseling". http://www.txcouplesworkshops.com
Also,your husband needs to get involved as well. A marriage is 2 people working at it,not one...you can't save it alone. Marriage is not supposed to be miserable..hard at times yes, but not miserable. It is insufficient to simply stay married for the children's sake,however it IS necessary to stay HAPPILY married for the children's sake.
Anyway,I hope everything works out and that you find your way to true happiness. Everyone deserves a little happiness in their life.
I leave you with these quotes for thought:

"For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life." -Joyce Brothers

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."- Theodore Hesburgh

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how
compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."-
Leo Tolstoy

"Remember, you married her, you didn't hire her!" - said to critical, lazy husband.
Dr Phil

"The success of marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they later realize they married."- unknown

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”- Helen Rowland

I have to say that yes, you CAN change your husband by changing yourself. YOU as the wife and mother hold the power. You've already gotten a book suggestion but I'd like to add my recommendation:
http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/006...

I've recommended this to so many women since I read it just about a year ago and implementing the changes in my attitude and behavior completely turned my relationship around! I was hesitant at first, but it really made sense as I read through it. There is a follow up that I found helpful as well:

http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Power-Transform-Your-Marriage...

I wish you the best of luck and I really do hope you check these books out; they're not religious-themed at all. They're just good and helpful. We're still a family a four because of them!

L.,
I admire your strenght and commitment to your children (working full time, cooking, girl scouts)and wanting the best for you too. I think even if he does not want to start counseling you could and see if he joins you later. My husband and I did this (he started first and then I joined him) and it was good. The counselor is Guy Chandler and he is great, he also has a Christian perspective without imposing.
Take care of yourself and hope you have more clarity soon!
Paula

Every marriage is worth saving, no matter what! My parents are divorced, and even worse my grandparents are divorced as well and the only person who suffered was me and my siblings. My parents have been divorced for over 20 years and my grandparents for over 40 and still to this day I am still the one suffering. I know that marriage is hard and that living one someone who has no respect for you is difficult (and please do not take this wrong) but you guys are playing some very childish games. The silent treatments should have stopped being the answer in high school. The key to a marriage is communication and that sounds like were you/and your husband are breaking down.

I would definitely start counseling even if he is the problem and refuses to go, eventually he may see how it is working for you and start going as well. At the very least the counselor can give you suggestions on how you can engage him in conversation and eventually get him going.

Good luck, but please do not give up! You are in my prayers.

I am no expert in this area, but I would consider going to marriage counseling on your own. My firend did this and I think it did two things... 1) Told her husband that she was committed to the relationship but serious about making changes and 2) She was able to talk through some things and get help on ways to handle her husbands actions.

I wish you the best of luck... God bless

The only advice I can offer is to seek counseling on your own, even if he won't join you. It will help you tremendously, and it will give you a fresh perspective on things. A lot of men are just completely oblivious to things that are blantantly obvious to women...goes back to the Venus and Mars thing, as well as differences in upbringing. Mamma's boys tend to behave as your husband (and mine) does...they are almost helpless invalids because they were created to be that way. Well, its a new day, and even the most helpless invalid can be rehabbed to a certain extent! You seek help for you first, then go from there. And best wishes to you...this too, shall pass!

I agree with Alexandra M. I also was a product of divorced parents. I do not feel that I have had any issues as a direct result of my parents divorce.

I was a teen when my parents divorced so although I did not like the idea of the split household, I realized it was for the best. It was hard at times being in the middle of the parent ping pong, but it was so much better than the fighting.

I eventually ended up getting married and after several years, felt neglected and unappreciated. We tried counseling, but as others have said, it takes two to stay married. If only one person is putting in the effort, it will not work. As much as I hated to do it, I ended up getting divorced.

I can understand the desire to stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids. However, from personal experience, this is not a good idea if it is the only reason. My mother stayed in an unhappy marriage for 13 years "for the kids", and I think it did more harm than good. You need to decide whether you want to fight for your marriage or throw in the towel. Try taking the kids out of the scenario and see if you would react any differently. Then, you will know what is best for you. You deserve to be happy.

Oh, L. - I totally feel for you. My husband and I have had the hardest year of our marriage, thus far. Today is actually our 7th wedding anniversary...somehow we made it through. THat "somehow" is FAITH in God and FAITH in us. I didn't have any of that as little as 4 months ago. I believed in God, but didn't put things in His hands to help us. We started counseling in September and I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful that has been for us. He still fights going a little (especially if he's been "beaten up" in a session the week prior by the counselor and I), but continues to go...b/c he loves me and wants to fight for the marriage. OUr counselor has recommended the book "Boundaries in Marriage". I can't recall the author's name right now, but you can get it any any Christian bookstore. I got our's at Mardel. It's truly eye-opening. Maybe you could just read that and try to go from there.

I wish you the best of luck. You'll be in my prayers.

I've read all the replies to this post...and the advise sounds very good and probably better than what I am offering, but I just wanted to say that you remind me of myself years ago. You get upset and hold things inside and have a hard time standing up for yourself. You're husband doesn't appreciate what you do and you are the only one that can stand up for yourself and change that. As soon as he disrespects you -you need to tell him you don't deserve to be treated that way. You need to tell him that you are tired and have other things to take care of so if he wants better than "bacon and eggs" then he can get off his lazy toush and make it himself. He won't appreciate you until you stand up for yourself and make him. If you are both working --then housework and running errands and taking kids places is a job that should be shared. You shouldn't have to it all yourself.

L.,
Life is too short to spend it with someone who is that disrespectful and narrow minded. Counseling is for the strong and decent person who is willing to help the situation they are in. There is a whole life out there and this is not how you should be llving it. Good luck and I hope you can break free and start a new and healthy life.
L.