Is This Normal? - Irvine, CA

I think it is really normal to feel that way. I know that I was feeling like that when I got divorced. You will meet someone else. I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will.

I got married at 19, had my son at 19 and daughter at 21. Got divorced at 25. I dated for a few years and remarried at 29 and now have another daughter, who is 1. I am 31 right now. If I wanted, I would still have time to have a couple more, so yes, there is time and hope for you to find what you are looking for. I would just not waste any time on men who do not want anything serious. Try eHarmony.com. The men on there seem to be wanting serious relationships. I've found that many men are okay with dating a single mom. Good luck!

Absolutely. Its called GRIEF! One of the definitions I like for grief: "The hope for a better yesterday"

I am on the other side of your situation. I thought I would never marry a man who was divorced and had kids. My husband thought he would not re-marry or have any more kids. The thing is to find the right person... and you'll know when it happens. My husband said he knew during our first date that he would marry me. I wasn't too sure for quite a while. Here we are: married almost 3 years and have a 7 month old boy. I think the most important part is to make your baby your first priority. Everything else will happen if it's right.

Remember that whatever you do will leave an impression on your child. Whatever a man in your life does will do the same. I have 2 step-sons, 8 and 14. My husband wanted a better example of a woman for them. I hated hearing stories from them about their mom's boyfriend staying the night and they would stay in her room most of the day with no interaction with the boys. I think I stayed the night with them once before we got married. Dad had to work early on a holiday and I stayed the night so I could watch the boys the next day. The youngest at the time was 5. He asked if I was going to sleep on the couch or out in my car!!! It was explained that I would sleep in dad's bed and dad would be on the couch. I hope they have a better respect for women when they grow up because of the example that I thought was so important.

Maybe someday your baby will make a man that you love a very lucky step-dad. I know that I am a very lucky step-mom!!!

A.,

Very sorry to hear! But give you a lot of cudos for getting out of an unhealthy relationship.

Yes, your feelings are normal, all of them...are they true....not really. I, too, had a child with someone and we split when she was 2...she's now 13. He told me no one would want me since I was a single mom, etc, etc, etc.
My sex life went on, I dated some, not a lot, because my girl was my prioirty and I worked 40 hours a week. But I supported her on my own. There are MEN out there who welcome other children into their lives. You are going to be entering your 30s and a lot of people, men and women have kids by that age. It's accepted.
Anyway....find support...other single moms or single dads and form play groups and friends to talk to. My best advice it talk to people...don't hold your feelings in. I'm sure you're feeling down on yourself...don't...things happen, relationships don't work out most of the time..they are hard. I am married now and have a 20 month old son with my husband and being a wife and stay at home mom and running a household is 10 times harder for me, then when I was a single mom working 40 hours a week.
Don't jump into a relationship....take some time to enjoy your little one and allow love to come back into your life....when you go looking for it, you don't find it...it'll find you when you are ready.
You are totally normal, congrats...and enjoy some alone time with your baby....
Best wishes, E.

A.,

It happens. I was three months preggers when my son's Dad decided he was no longer 'in' our relationship. My son was two months old when it really hit me that my life was no longer what it was. I lost my best friend and the family I thought I was building.

My son is 3 YO now and I have just now started having the desire to meet someone, and that was only after a lot of soul searching and therapy!

I too, want a big family and really just had to wait until my heart and my head were in the same place. I made sure my son has always been my focus and today, I think I've got my stuff in the right places and I'm interested in figuring out the type of person I should be with.

I've found that there are very different types of men who like single Moms for various reasons (some not so noble), and I have recently found one who seems genuine about his desire to explore being with me and see where it goes...not including my son until I'm ready for that. There is someone out there who will be there when you are ready! Just remember there are still a lot duds out there and you need to make sure you figure out you first.

Good Luck!

Hi there - you are just going through the break-up blues and depression. We tend to have different ways of handling depression and "grieving"

There is someone out there for everyone! Concentrate on your baby and when its meant to be it will be.

I had two children from previous and married a man that had no previous spouse nor children. It hasn't been easy but we are now married with 3 - the bay is from him. So YES you will be wanted by many, but play it smart and remember to ALWAYS put baby first!!

Goodluck ;)

Hi A.:
Take it from someone has been there done that.I divorced,when I was 28 years old,and had two sons to raise.Your feelings are natural.I felt the same way.You think that your going to turn old and gray,before you find happiness again.Believe me,when I tell you---It's not even CLOSE to being over! One of the reasons you may feel the way you do,is because you are experiencing low self esteem. Your husband,may have been one of those,to break down your spirit,to build up his own ego,or keep you in what he regards:(your Place)Pick yourself up,dust yourself off.Concentrate on that beautiful new baby and taking care of yourself,and you won't have to FIND someone else. They will find YOU.Thought I'd share this bit of good news with you.My Forties,were the most outstanding years of my life!I felt my best,and I looked my best! Soooo,You've got A long ways to go till you get to the GREAT YEARS! Enjoy the RIDE!Take care and I wish you and that sweet baby the best.J. M

I divorced at 29 with a 3 yr old boy and the thing that surprised me most was not mourning losing him but really mourning losing all of the plans I had for my life.
Plus, I really didn't want another relationship-cleaning up after one man is the same as cleaning up after another? And how could I trust that another guy wouldn't become what my ex had become after we got married?

It has been six years and I am just recently finding myself in a good relationship. He is a wonderful guy and I am ready to move on. Each person moves at their own pace and needs something different. Take care not to get too bitter about all men, realize it really was just him and they're not all like that. As long as your heart is open and your head is clear then you will move on when it is right for you.
Good Luck.

You have plenty of time..I am 41 and I worry about that! Just try to take it one day at a time and know that all your feelings are normal. Good luck.

Wow. You have been through a lot emotionally in the past 9 months I can imagine. Give yourself time to heal and focus on yourself and your baby. In time, you will find love again. You are young and have the world ahead of you. I have had a few friends in a similar circumstance. In both cases, they found love a few years down the line with men who had simliar backgrounds and future goals for family. Let your friends and family support you in this time and take care of you and your precious little miracle. God Bless!

Dear A.,

Sounds like you are faced with the disappointment over your marriage coupled with the stress of caring for your baby.

It is normal to have thoughts of hopelessness and self doubt as you navigate this stage of transition.
It can be helpful to read books, on line articles and talk to other moms who have been in similar situations. It seems as if you need to process what has happened (as you say, you're in no rush to date) and build up your confidence so that you feel entitled to and able to be in a relationship again.

So much energy goes toward a baby, it is difficult to imagine putting energy into a new relationship. It will be important to remember that many single parents find loving and rewarding relationships after divorce.

Please let me know if you need any further assistance with this. I specialize in offering support to new moms and those addressing life transitions.

www.judyzexter.com

Dear A.,

Mom, 45....mother of two, married 19 years to my third husband. Yes, it took me three times to get it "right"! Yes, I had all the same thoughts. Time is defiantely a healer and so is the right man when you finally find him. Believe me, all of it wasn't easy, it took alot of work and self discovery, cause I had to look at myself and change some things not only about me but how I viewed men. Your young and you have time on your side, so make sure your ex takes care of his responsibility to your baby, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over again. It's easier then you think. Good Luck,

V.

Sorry about your situation. I haven't been in your shoes, but your feelings sound very normal to me.

Hi A. , trust me there will be a time you will date again and find your solemate. I did even after going thru a divorce and having six children with him. I still found my solemate and he took me and the whole package and I am so happily married now.You should not think like that,you are still very young at heart and there is still lots of time for you to find that speacial one and have more children. Trust me it will happen when you least except it.
God Bless to you and your little one.

I am going to tell you that is normal, but I also am going to tell you" Never say Never"! I have a close girlfriend whom was married with 2 children and they didn't make it in marriage land! But That same lady is now remarried and had a another kid and extremely happy with all the kids and everything. So, like I said " Never say Never". I would say for another mothers view, I would say just keep loving that Little one and everything will come out great. Love takes time. Let it find you also! Your young also. Keep your Head up and EYES open to New Ideas.

Hi A. hope you and your little one are doing well. I wanted to let you know that I am a single mom and have been since my son was a yr and half old. I also felt the same way you did when my sons father and I left eachother. Please don't worry about what you are feeling as your feelings are very normal. You are going through so much right now. Don't let nothing get you down. Keep strong. Enjoy your bundle of joy. And believe me there are a lot of men that don't mind dating single moms. Just take your time with the men. Im sure there are men out there that are single fathers thinking the same as you are..

Best of luck to you and your little one =)

Sweetheart, take it from a former single mom: you have a hard struggle and some of the most wonderful times of your life ahead of you! I learned that there were a TON of creeps out there that wanted to date a single mom. They (we) are often looked upon as victims, easy targets that are desperate for a man to take care of them. Once you prioritize your life and make sure that you and your baby are happy, the right person will come your way. I call myself a former single mom because I was for 5 years before I met my wonderful husband 3 years ago. We now have an awesome "mixed" family with his older son, my two daughters, and our little 18 month old boy. It's been a long road but I wouldn't trade 5 minutes of it.

Don't get down on yourself and remember, whenever you need anything you can always come here for encouragement. One tip I will give you though! When you are ready to date STAY OFF THE INTERNET!!!! Or at least don't announce to the dating world that you have a child, let that come later in conversation with someone.

Good luck!

~V.

Hi A., I would say yes these feelings are normal. I would like to ask you though why you feel you married the wrong the wrong man, I have 3 kids all in their 20's and that's what In would ask them in this situation. You will meet someone again, you will probably meet a lot someone elses again, my advice to you is be very careful about having men around your son. In today's times that's just not a wise thing, also give yourself time, the want sweetie can be so strong that you settle to easily, and if so you will probably be divorced a second time. I believe we find Mr. right when were NOT looking for him, one day he's just there,that's how it happened for me, and I've been married to him for 28 years. Be patient, in the mean time I think you should try and work out the issues with your baby's daddy, you owe your baby that. Hope this helped a little. Oh one more thing, my brother married his wife mother of 2 and loved and raised them as his own. So it happens. J. L.

I definitely know how you feel! I've been in the same situation & going through it twice now. There's hope! I'm still hanging in there & hoping faith will get me through it this time around. I was a single mom @ 24 when it happend the first time. I did my own thing, my main concern was providing for my daughter. I was doing fine & then was blessed to have met my second husband. After 6yrs of marriage & 2 more adorable kids, he decides our life is too overwhelming for him & needs to put himself first now. One thing I'll always remember from my mom on relationships is to be patient. God sees everything, knows what we're going through & will answer our needs. Hope this helps!

I am sorry for your situation, and believe your feelings are normal. I too am going through the divorce process after only one year of marriage. I take my beautiful one year old son to the park, beach, etc and see all the "happy in tact" families and feel sad. I wanted that in our mariage but like you, chose the wrong man. Focus on yourself and your little one, and when the time is right you will meet that special someone. You are young so do not settle!

I applaud you at recognizing that the marraige that you were in was not going to last and for getting out befor things got "ugly". Your feelings are totally normal. I myself got divorced a year ago after being with the man for 6 years and unhappliy married for 2 years. It takes a lot of strngth to ask for a divorce and follow it thru. I too want to have more kids (I'm 34) and thought "who would want to date me?" The truth is that you yourself must be ready to date first and put your son's well being first. There is a much better person out there for you. Who knows... you could be like me and start dating your high school sweetheart. Don't put limitation on how wonderful you are. A good man would be lucky to have you and your child in their lives. I do encourage you to take your time and try to heal your heart before dating and be very honest upfront about what you want from a potential suitor. You are not too "old" to have more children or have a big family. Remember to think positive, be honest and love yourself!! When you truly love yourself things have a way of working themselves out. Plus having some time to just enjoy your child is truly amazing. I wish you all the best A.!

Very normal. You can't read the future and that is the hardest part about what you are going through. I have all those same questions you do but am not divorced yet and I am in my late 30s. I have a baby also. If it makes you feel any better, you have a lot more time than I do to find someone else and start a whole new family with a man that fits your needs and suits you. You actually have about 10 years. That is a lot of time to find someone and have babies. I only may have a couple years and that is rushing it if it even happens. You are young. Just work on yourself for a little while and take care of your beautiful baby. Don't worry. :)

Hi A., your feelings sound very normal to me. I've never been divorced, however I got married when I was 37 and had my kids at 39 and 42. You have plenty of time. Now for a different perspective. In my late 20's and through my 30's the majority of men I dated were single fathers. I didn't mind because I wanted kids. There are a lot of men in the same situation as you so don't feel like no one will want you. Good single parents are stable and secure because they have to be so you have a lot to offer. Don't sell yourself short. To quote the Rolling Stones, "you don't always get what you want........but you get what you need." Good luck!

A.,
You should consider seeing a therapist or being part of a support group, they will help you work out all these feelings and make sense of it all. It's totally normal, but don't stay in a rut. Also, you're are not damaged goods, someone will love you again. But you have to be ready, and in a good place. You're young still and have your whole life ahead of you.
Best wishes

Hello, First of all, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Our younger daughter went through the very same thing at about your age and with an infant. She too, was concerned about every finding "Mr. Right". Well, she did! He is the best husband to our daughter and the best father to her son and their son. He is everything our first son-in-law was not to our daughter and their son. You will find the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Just focus on your son for now and ease your way into dating so that you don't jump into the first relationship you find just to "be with someone".
Good luck with your precious little baby.
K. K.

Oh boy girl!! I was 8 months prego with #3, when my husband started to delve into other options, I left him when my 3rd was 7 months old...I had a 6,3,and 7m, OUCH!!(I was 30yrs old) I was ecstatic to be single, no one to have to compete w/kids, I could parent my way, I could start LIVING!! Well, about 4 months later, not quiet full into the swing of being single, just starting to get back into shape, I met my soul mate, he was told he could not have kids (slim to none), but he liked them, well, today we have been together for 6 years and have an additional 3 children. We have 3 girls, and 3 boys! I NEVER thought some one would want me w/3 kids and all the baggage that went along w/an ex- who would not leave us alone!! It is a Fairy Tale, and I am living proof it happens! Enjoy your adventure...it is bound to be a bumpy journey but SO WORTH THE RIDE!!

Hi A.,

I am currently going through the same situation, with the exception of wanting more kids. It's totally normal for you to feel this way. I was with my husband for seven years, has a beautiful baby girl and 9 month after the baby was born we splited up. I am very happy, taking advantage of not sharing my baby. You will notice that more guys will want to date you now. I can't complain I'm loving the single mom situation I am in. Good luck and I know your mind is just playing with you. You will move on and be happy with your little one and you will find a great man.

i'm a single mom it is tough but there are guys out there that are cool with it..unfortunately for me..i'm a musician and i gravitate towards rocker guys..ugh! i do have a single dad chasing me ..he has 3 and is only 35..sweet guy..also a musician but doesn't have the edge i like..go on some online dating sites..i actually found the single dad on Craigslist..there are a lot of skaliwags on that site but there are some good ones and it's free..and if u post a pic u get a lot of emails..u will find a guy...if you're not like me.. :(
i've ran from a lot that would have settled down w/ me..just think i'm not ready and i don't want more kids..and i don't want to have sex every single day w/ some guy i'm not totally in love with. Get your butt on some sites ..they even have single parent sites..or try match.com but those sites can be a little slow..so try Craigslist just to get your wheels spinning.. good luck..don't be so down on yourself..plenty of guys ready for the family life..look for guys over 35 ...hugs! D.

Everyone feels they will never meet the right one, that is normal. But that you are feeling loss that your dreams of family will never be realized are legitimate. Marrying the wrong person is perhaps the most detrimental mistake we can make in our lives. But God can turn even our mistakes into blessings even if our lives don't turn out they way we dreamed. "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." Lean on God during this time, because you really messed up, but God can rescue you.

HI A.,

Don't worry :) Everything you're feeling is normal. And with time, it will pass, I promise! I've been there. Plus, there are tons of women (and men) who date and find good relationships when they are "single" parents. My only advice to you is .. keep the relationship separate from you life with your son until you really know the man and have had the "talk" about what is expected of him, what role he'll play in your's and your sons life. You'll feel like you want you son to know him right away(and vice versa) but hold off, make sure it's the real thing! IT's too hard for a child to get to know and trust someone to have them disappear from their lives, again, trust me, I know.

Good luck!
W.

Hi A., Divorce is never easy, and staying in marriage you don't want to is not good either. You are young and when you are ready you will date and find the right guy that will love you and your child. I have, my first husband decided after we were married he didn't want kids. So that ended it for me, that was always my dream. My second husband gave me 2 beautiful children. But 7 years he passed away. I devoted myself to raising my kids (they were 7 and 9 at that time)Two years ago I met the love of my life, he has two daughters in there early 20's that are married. He loves my kids as if they are his own. We are engaged and I know I couldn't ask for a better stepdad for my kids. So you will one day when your ready find the right one. I wish you the best. And believe me there are several men that you will find that don't care that your a single mother. Alot you will find they will love it. Keep Positive....M.

Hang in there and focus on loving and enjoying your baby.
One of the (many) tough things about divorces is that it shatters the life plans that you thought you were laying out. One of the things I've had to learn from divorce is that there are so many things that you can't control and you have to live and enjoy day to day. Do your best be in the moment -- the time with your son/daughter will speed by. Don't miss it by worrying about the future.

There's no way to predict when/if/who you will meet and be with in the future. A year from now life will be totally different. I had to leave a 10 year marriage after finally being confronted with and accepting the fact that my husband is a lying, manipulative, sex addict, who on the surface seemed like the most wonderful man. We had two daughters and I wished for a third. But, now that the possibility of that happening is gone (I'm almost 38), it's turned out to be ok. Our little family of three is something I'm so appreciative of.

Good luck to you and prayers for you in these tough times.

Thanks to the other moms who wrote. Sometimes it seems like being a divorced mom is such a minority.