Is This Odd? - Stevensville,MD

something does sound odd, maybe her mother is..
A.. dead
B.. divorced, and not living with her child
C.. drunk
D..yes, there is a huge red flag, and i would never let my child go over to a friends house without meeting the parents first, the fact that this other child is so eager to get around this social nicety tells me that something is very wrong for her at home.
K. h.

so PDD-NOS is part of the autism spectrum. Specifically your daughter has difficulty socializing. It's such a heartbreaker that her peers do not understand her.

I truly believe it's time for activity groups such as a church group, Scouts, or other. Putting her with a smaller setting may encourage the other children to better understand her...allowing friendships to blossom. By using venues such as this, you will also be able to monitor/intervene when your child hits speedbumps....thereby enabling her own personal growth. Since this classmate/parent seem to be not connecting, I would let it go....& just redirect your daughter into something more optimal. :)

The next thought would be: is there a support group for families dealing with issues such as this. A group which would have resources to help you? ....wishing you Peace.

Okay, I too am not familiar with what PDD-Nos is but regardless of that from an outsiders perspective (just reading your post only) I personally would not be so quick to dismiss this potential friend and her mother just because you didn't get a response yet.

Many, many, many issues could have taken place to cause the lack of return phone call or not being able to speak to the Mother....such as:

*Mom might have left for work before child got on the bus, some people still have (what used to be called) latch-key kids?

*The child is only 9, so when asked to speak to the Mom maybe only Dad was home and the child didn't relay that information?

*The Mother might be UBER busy. Work a TON and just not had the time or immediate want to return your call? Her daughter might not be lacking in friends and play-dates and setting up *another* play-date for her child might not be what she wanted to do on her weekend? Who knows?

*The Dad might check the phone messages and not relay information to Mom OR not want to be the one to call you back?

*This child might only live with her Dad? Maybe Mom is out of town? Maybe the parents are (recently) separated and Dad is not good at or want to deal with play-dates? Seriously, Who Knows?

*The child might not want to speak to your daughter at school any more because she is only 9 and in her mind she has made the effort 2x and been denied both times?

*The child, again being 9, might not have told her Mom your last request for her to call you back?

People get busy girl. I know I do. You yourself had something 'come up' (your procedure) we can not always count on other people following through on what we *think* is the correct time line....ya know what I mean?

~Phew! That felt LOONG, LOL! Now with that being said: Always, Always follow your Mommy-Gut. If you do not want your daughter to be friends with this girl for whatever reason that is perfectly fine! Your lil' girl WILL make a friend...hopefully soon...don't beat yourself up about this, you really did all you could have done...if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be and probably for a reason. Everything happens for a reason, right?

I think you're right to trust your gut! Either the mother is a stupid b**ch who is being ridiculous about your daughter's condition, or something really weird is going on since you never hear from the mother and the daughter won't let you talk to her. I wouldn't let a kid that age come over if I had not spoken to a parent.

So you're saying your daughter doesn't have any friends, and one girl reached out to her and asked to come over but you denied her the opportunity to do so because you think this child is "bad" company or red flag for your daughter. How would you know, you never got a chance to know her. You are indirectly choosing who your daughter becomes friends with. You may want her to be liked by the popular kids, but it might be the unpopular one who will be her friend. I am sure this other girl was hurt by the rejection. The other girl could be reaching out to your daughter for friendship too based on whatever situation she is in, because she called back the other time to talk to your daughter and she said you couldn't talk to her mother. I would have wanted to talk to the girl at least, find out what's going on and then see if there's some situation going on before deciding she is not good company for my daughter.

Wow, some interesting responses below.

I agree with you, something is amiss. Maybe her mom has issues, an alcoholic who was still asleep when she called? Maybe she's being abused? Maybe her mom doesn't know. I might allow her to come over and NOT call the other mom, just to be sure everything is ok. Maybe this mom doesn't know or doesn't care where she is, but now that you've called, the mom is afraid to be found out, so she won't allow her daughter to go anywhere? Maybe it has nothing to do with your daughter specifically?

Listen to your intuition, it will never lead you incorrectly.

K., this making friends stuff is hard. Hugs to you and your daughter with this situation. I think it is great that you are concerned and trying to find ways to help her make friends. I think making friends is a skill that takes practice. I would count this one as just "not meant to be" and continue to find ways to connect her with others through a club, church, scouts, activities....maybe even check with the school to see if they have suggestions. Blessings.

I think we worry a lot over this issue of "friends". Although they are nice to have, they are not necessary for a full life or development. Children learn to socialize within the family mostly and family is what we live for really. I have come to realize that the best friends in life come as an adult, when peers can be much older or younger. Does she have siblings? How about cousins? Maybe if she gets involved in something she is really passionate about and it doesn't add too much stress to family life, she can meet people of the same heart and mind.

No, you are right on track as far as your concerns and care. She can maintain a friendship away from home for now. She has you and that is a lot.

I am reminded by the story of Abe Lincoln, that you don't need gobs of people your age or a community full of kids to grow up sucessful and have a family. Teach her to rely on herself for happiness, and it will last a lifetime.
Blessings

I would never let a child come to my house nor would I let my children go to someone else's house if I did not know the parents or at least speak with them about it. As far as her not returning calls, I find this happens quite a bit and it is indeed odd but common. An example would be my sister-in-law, she flat out will not make a call, she will only text. Why she even has a phone is beyond me. Needless to say, I would just continue to call and maybe ask to speak to the dad or mom, who knows, maybe he is the one that makes these arrangements. Just stick with it, and tell your daughter that if cannot connect with the parents then you cannot make plans. Sounds like this little girl is used to going it alone.

Good luck!

If you can somehow explain to your daughter, in a way she will understand... you need to do so and explain that some people are just not.... appropriate.
And given their behavior, you cannot "trust" them.
That you tried. But it did not work out.
For some reason, they are not able to.

Listen to your gut.

PDD-NOS or not, things like this happens to children and adults.
People, are people. We cannot guess, at what their problem is per their behavior. It is all just speculation.
But listen to your gut.
That is a very reliable skill... for a parent.

Given she is in 3rd grade but at a Kindergarten level of social skills... does she see a Therapist or does she have an in school Aide with her?
Talk to this person about it.

i had a sort of similar situation with a first grader calling my daughter at 9 pm on a school night. no way. the girl did end up being nice but the mother's parenting is WAY different than mine. In your situation, it is possible the mom didn't know her girl was setting all of this up in the first place and felt no need to call you because she didn't know what was going on. ( that is percisely Why i would have called but somepeople don't).

Maybe have your daughter make the girl a card or drawing. and include your own note to the guardian with your contact info. again.

I'd also plan to get your daughter out of the house this weekend, and do something fun like visit the library or some sort of special activity.

Hi, K.:
Get your daughter in the Brownies or Girl Scouts.
She doesn't need to beg for a friend.
Just a thought.
Good luck.
D.

Either the mom didn't know the kid is asking to come over and she doesn't want her there or she's an absent mom who just doesn't care and she was probably looking for a babysitter on that first tuesday night.. That sounds SO bizarre.. when my girl is 9 I'm going to know everyone she's talking to and she will never leave the house without me knowing the family.. that sounds crazy. Is there any chance you can bump into the mom at school? It seems sad to punish the kid for what her mom does/doesn't do. I'd put just a little more effort into getting in touch with the mom and if nothing comes of it then just drop it and explain to your daughter that you'd love her friend to come for a visit but you HAVE to speak with her mom and you haven't been able to do that yet.

You are a hundred percent right.
I do have a question however, what is PDD?

If I were you, I wouldn't answer the phone. You've already told her that you need to speak to her mom. Hopefully, her mom will call and leave a message, that's when I'd return the call. It's possible this girl might have her own cell phone and is just pranking your daughter.

I agree with Jo W as far as the types of parents/kids. And I agree with you in that I would never send my child to another person's home, especially while they're third graders, without speaking to the parent first. What is that mom thinking???

My daughter is now at the age where she and friends are pre-arranging get-togethers and then getting approval from parents...but she's 13 in March! And I still make sure I talk to the parents of "new" friends. I don't know if that EVER stops being important. Just keep doing what you're doing K....you don't know what's going on with the other mom. She could just be odd, or she could have a full-time job and two toddlers at home...

It could be that this girl is not communicating with her mom about all of this. She could be erasing any message you leave or maybe her dad is and forgetting to pass along the info to mom. There is a lot of unknown of what is going on from their end.

It could also be the case that this girl really wants to have a playdate and for whatever reason the parents do not care or do not want to put time into it. This child might just be reaching out because she know her parents will do nothing and she is starving to have other contact with her peers (or someone).

I know times are a little different but at that age all I had to do was say "mom is it ok I go to Nick's or Angela's" OR "can Nick or Angela come over" both of whom lived about 8-10 house down from our house. My parents had never meet Angela's parents, but they saw how we played together and did not care that they never heard from her parents. My parents knew Nick's parents, but usually it was us kids asking to our parents to go or come to your parents so the parents did not need to talk directly.

Please do not judge this other child on the lack of her parents. Maybe her parents do not want to be bothered by it, maybe they do not care as much as you do.

Just have your daughter tell this girl that you have to talk with her parents before setting up a play time. Many times, kids set things up without their parents' knowledge and it sounds like her parents aren't even aware of the situation.

It sounds like you might need to try to perhaps find a younger child for your daughter to play with. Maybe someone who is at her social level. Are there any activities she could participate in after school that have multiple age groups? I would try to have her do something a couple of days a week where she will see the same kids over again and get to know them. Perhaps a church class or sporting activity?

Are you sure that there is a Mom in the house? Maybe she lives with her Dad and that is why you cannot talk to her Mom. Try wording it different. Tell the girl that you need to talk with a parent to make sure it is OK with them that she comes over to play.

If you're uncomfortable I would have the little girl come to your house for a playdate. You'll get to know her and I'm sure have a chance to meet the mom at that point.

i think your instincts are right on. it may well be (and i hope it is!) that there's a genuine connection between these two children that might be fostered into a friendship. but with no communication with the mom, i think you are quite right in putting your foot down. it may well be any one of the scenarios some posters have posited, but since you don't have the opportunity to judge for yourself, i think you are wise in being a little cautious.
i also applaud you for having enough faith in your child eventually finding friends on her own merits and not being so desperate that you're grasping at any straw to manufacture friendships for her.
some kids, autism spectrum or not, take time to find a good friend or two. when they do, these friendships generally tend to be very enduring. it can be anxiety-producing for parents who are used to seeing the more common model of kids having large groups of friends who cycle in and out of their lives, but it's really okay.
i don't think you're being over-protective, i think you are right to listen to your gut. i also think this girl may not be the 'wrong child', but you definitely need more information before you allow this relationship to proceed.
khairete
S.

I didn't read everything, but my initial reaction was that this girl could be doing it for a prank. If your daughter is awkward around others her age, I wonder if someone was doing it just to impress their friends or be funny. Especially if you can't seem to reach the parents for their input.
I could be totally off the mark, In fact, I hope I am. Just thought I'd mention it though.

What I have found is there are three dynamics going on. There are kids that are open to playing with the slightly odd kids because they really aren't that bad and their parents are okay with this. These are the kids you want to find.

Then there are kids that don't want to play with the odd kids but their parents push them to play with them because it makes them feel like they are open to those that are disabled, these are not good kids to play with. You don't want to play with these kids because even though they act like they are nice to them in front of people they are mean as hell when they are alone with the child.

The third group is what you encountered. The child is a nice kid who thinks it would be fun to play with your daughter. The mom doesn't want her daughter playing with your daughter because she isn't the cool kid, being her friend will, in this mother's mind, hurt her daughters social status. I feel sorry for her daughter because she is probably a good kid but the mom will never allow the friendship.

My son is 12 and has PDD. It is really strange how people react to it. Most of the kids my son plays with out of school also have PDD. A few of them really aren't the same age as Andy but they get along just fine.

I would feel the same way you do. If it makes you feel any better, I have a special needs child who is also in the 3rd grade. He is just now starting to find a child or two who like him regardless....What a precious thing for him. Be patient about it, her turn will come. I know it's hard waiting....