My 5 y/o DD had an huge adjustment period at the end of last school year that was very difficult on us. She was throwing tantrums at school, impulsive, easily irritable & could not seem to calm herself down once she reached a certain point. After engaging with her pediatrician/ local resources she was diagnosed with ADHD & we’ve been working with her on being able to tell us how’s she is feeling, using her words ect. In hopes that we can avoid getting kicked outta school this year.
It’s the 2nd week in & we’ve gotten 3 calls
1st we had to pick her up
2nd we had to go to school, talk with her, then she integrated back into class
3rd we talked with her on the phone & she calmed down before returning to class
She is getting better I know this, but I have a lot of anxiety when my phone rings & it’s the school How do I get past this fear?
I have now incorporated daily activities into the schedule, swimming, dance, spots to burn off the extra energy and it worked all summer so I can’t wait for it all to start back up next week but yet I am exhausted. Does anyone else feel this way?
To add icing to the cake my husband wants couple time at the end of the night and while still VERY MUCH attracted to him this every night thing adds to my exhaustion. I need ME time but don’t know how people fit this in with little ones. I have been unwinding to a 45 TV show but this has me up to 11-1130 and I have to be up at 5.
Suggestions?
Thanks all who responded. My DD is in private school so the IEP/ 504 does not apply unless she gets kicked out (& we are praying it doesn’t come to that). I work full time & so does my husband so routine is key. We work pretty good as a team but I tend to want to be super mom and take it all on, not realizing until I start to stress out that I’ve been doing this. Despite the fact we have had a good routine over the summer that worked I strayed from this in order to adjust activities, realizing now that it was too much at once. Thank you for your stories. It helps when you don’t feel so alone.
You need to be in bed by 8:30.
My husband usually is and he's up at 5:30.
Otherwise you are exhausted. I know the no me time stinks. He gets none, just home and eat, then bed. But he gets a good rest which is CRITICAL for his long days.
You get this child on the right medication so life will be somewhat normal again.
You make the school do a 504 plan so they have to accommodate her personality and work with her by using the school psychologists and other professionals that do the school program.
In our 504 they have to provide an aid if his behaviors get out of control. They can't kick him out basically, they have to work with him in the plan.
This child should not be sent home for anything. She should be able to calm herself down and recognize she's having a bad time.
Once your child has an official diagnosis from a trained professional that has the "authority" to diagnose the illness then you qualify for all sorts of concessions.
The school is the one most effected by this of course, they have to apply and get the funding to get your child everything she needs. The first thing is the 504 plan, that will guarantee she has certain things. Once they have that in writing you can rest assured they have to provide those things.
Her therapist should be one that is very familiar with kids with ADHD. She needs to work on turtle breaths and rabbit breaths. So when you or the teachers/staff see your child starting a cycle they can say "Sweetie, take some turtle breaths for me". Then your child will automatically stop, take a deep slow breath, blow it out slowly, take in another, blow it out slowly, and so forth.
This is a key factor in helping the child to slow down and reduce her tension and anxiety. She needs to learn these things over time. A therapist can be a great tool for your child to use. They should work on stress relaxation techniques, slow breathing techniques, and how to recognize the tension in their body that signals they are stressed out such as shoulders that are touching their ear lobes....this is also painful after a while, our muscles are not made to be tensed up for very long.
I think if you find a great therapist, a good psychiatrist to prescribe her meds, and a good support team at the school your little one will be on the right track very soon.
This is NOT meant to say it's easy flying from this point on, it's to say get a support team that has your daughter's best interest in their heart.
She needs to be able to act out, she needs to be able to be distracted, she's not a robot, she's a human being that gets mad, gets frustrated, wants to cry, wants to yell, wants to push someone that pisses them off, she's going to act like a normal person but sort of.....to the 10th degree...
She needs a safe environment to be herself. The teacher and other staff need to be educated on how she best responds when she's upset. For instance if she has words that set her then they need to take those words out of her dialog. My grandson doesn't like it when I say "Seriously?". It pisses him off and he will start throwing furniture and acting crazy. It is a trigger to him.
I think you need a break too. In Oklahoma there are respite funds available for families of kids that have disabilities. We can get $300 to pay for respite care so we can have a care giver come help us or babysit or take the kiddo's for the weekend. We get it and while I am at work at one of my part time jobs hubby pays a babysitter to watch our little guy so he can have some alone time.
It is a great program and federally funded. Your state should have a similar program, you'll just have to call around and find the source so you can apply.
This article is very easy to understand about what the differences are between the 504 and an IEP. They both serve a purpose and if your child needs the special ed aspect they needs the IEP. The 504 is to insure the child will stay in school and receive any assistance they need to make sure that happens. Such as an aid to interact with them one on one or an aid in the classroom that helps the teacher but also has the responsibility to manage your child when they are starting that cycle.
http://www.washington.edu/doit/Stem/articles?52
What is the school doing to help you? .. You should get an IEP that will help with the calls.
At 3 years old my son was disruptive, frustrating, etc.. It was like draggin an anchor with you every where you went. I was so exhausted by the end of the day I coudl not think of anything but sleep. For 1.5 years the school worked with him .. to teach him self regulating tatictus, allowing sesnsory breaks. etc..
Changes we made.
1. Diet, removal of HFCS, Dyes (Red 40 etc), and Gluten.
2. Accupuntrure for him. ( it is NOT with needles)
This pas summer was the best summer of our lives. We were able to do so much. My son tells me 30+ time a day how much he loves me & my husband. Huge change.
This year, he is in kindergarten last week he needed only 1 sensory break, We have had 0 calls from school or after care. Last year was our hell year, this was before the Gluten change & accupunture. It has been a god send! My moms neighbor asked my mom if I changed my mind and medicated my son, My mom responded with no? why? She said that he is more relaxed.
My son does not pick his cuticles any more- no kidding, he was on anitbiotics 3 times for infections.
Our whole house benifited from these changes. Between school OT, accupunture and diet modificaion.
Yes, I was there with you trying to get this, and all stressed out It does get better a little at a time. We went through 4 sitter situaions last school year for my son. Some of it was him, some of it was them. I know the stress you are under. It will get better.
let me know if you want any more info.
Good luck
ETA- my sone was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory
You definitely have a lot on your plate.
I was going to ask if you have any time alone during your day.
I see by your profile that you work full time. Is this still the case? If so, use
your 30 or 60 min lunch hour as your first point of relaxation during the
day. Sit & read in a quiet place (park, car, library). Run a fun errand.
Treat yourself to something, workout or go sit in a park for 15 mins.
Next look at your day & see when other you can steal one or two different
times to take just for yourself. I was going to say 15 mins at 5pm then at
the end of the night but you spend time w/your hubby at night. So maybe
take it right before or after you spend it with him. Can you spend time
time w/him earlier? You should most likely try to get to bed by 10:30 the
latest since you have to get up so early. Try to wind down for 1 hour
beforehand turning off devices, watching your shows earlier or watch
them online at your convenience during the day, getting your stuff ready
for the next day along the way so there's not mad rush at 10pm to do
this.
Do you work outside the home? If not, take time at home. Housework will still be there! If you do?
Where is H? Are any of the activities after his working hours? He could take a couple days of this schlepping. Maybe schedule a later class so he could do it. Do he do bedtime activities. He might not do it as well as you but it would give you time.
A happy mom is the best thing for a stressed child. Make it work.
My question is, why is the school calling you to deal with this? Surely your daughter cannot be the first child they've ever dealt with who has ADHD. You need to request that the school puts a plan in place to help manage your child's needs while she is there. One of my kids, while she does not have ADHD, is certainly a difficult child to manage in many ways. The teacher kept complaining to me, and finally I just told her, "Look, I know my child doesn't have an easy personality, but I send her to school well-rested, well-fed, and ready to learn. From 8am until 2:30pm, you need to deal with her. Whatever tools you need to use to get her to pay attention and stay on task, feel free to use them. I will always back you up, have no fear of that." I suggested several things the teacher could do to help manage my child.
With regard to getting a little more time for yourself, I do understand where you're coming from with that. Currently, I'm homeschooling both kids, and my husband and I run a business together (he's mostly out in the field and I take care of the back-end, office type stuff). I do all of the "heavy lifting" with the kids, as it sounds like you do as well - sports, scouts, art, music, etc. When DH comes home from work, he collapses on the couch and zones out, and at that point he expects dinner to magically appear on the table, his laundry to magically be clean and put away, the house to be clean, and on and on it goes, like I have no other responsibilities in the world other than to serve as maid, chef, nanny, and chauffeur.
Here's what I'd suggest with regard to that. When you need "me time," take it. Don't ask, just tell. "Honey, I'm taking a girls' weekend in Tahoe on the 23rd to scrapbook. Don't plan anything, because you'll need to take care of the kids that weekend." My husband, smart man that he is, has never said no on something like that. You work hard taking care of your kids, getting them from place to place, taking care of your home and everyone in it, and you deserve time off, too. On a more routine basis, don't be afraid to get a sitter for a few hours and then go out and just decompress. Maybe go see a movie, or go get your nails done. Go sit in a bookstore and read a book. Whatever you like to do, just make the time to go do it without your husband or kids.
Someone recently said that motherhood is a lot like those safety warnings they give you on the airplane - when the plane decompresses and the little oxygen masks pop down out of the ceiling, you put yours on first, and then you help the people around you. Well, guess what? Your life is that way, too. Take care of yourself first, then help the people around you. You aren't much good to anybody when you're burned out! Take care of yourself and hang in there. It will get better.
You don't have any time to yourself, because you are doing, everything.
What is your HUSBAND, doing? Besides wanting "couple" time?
How come you are doing everything?
If you want "me time" what is that to you?
Just being by yourself doing whatever you want sans kids and Husband?
Or does it mean that "me time" is the same as "couple" time?
Or not?
For me: "me time" is ONLY ME. Doing what I want with no one else around. I either am at home and my Hubby takes the kids out. OR, I go out. By myself. And "couple time" is something else.
To me: A wife/Mom, needs time to themselves...because they are doing everything. 24/7. And then a Wife/Mom, ALSO, has to make time for "couple" time too. So that is another thing to do.
So, what is "me time" to you?
And why can't your Husband do things too? Its is house too and his kid too. And you work too.
Make a list, of everything you do daily, from the moment you wake up. And then, show it to your Husband.
I did that once. And by 11:00am, I had a list of 32 things... I had done! And it was just the typical things I do EVERYday, each day, from the moment I wake up each morning.
Husband did not even, know that.
I think just letting your hubby know that you need downtime is key. Husbands just don't always get our stress, I've stopped trying to totally explain it and just ask for what I need. I usually tell my husband 'Ok now that the kids are down I am going to veg out for awhile'. Which means don't mess with me my love! Then I watch stupid TV, or Facebook, or this lovely site etc. he knows I have to decompress. And you may have to just come clean and say 'Babe, I love you but I need a couple days between sex, I am fried, it has nothing to do with you'. I actually did tell my husband some months back that I felt like I was holding a huge bolder walking downhill, about to be totally crushed and that I felt totally out of control of my life. He knew I was stressed but he didn't know it was that bad! That opened up a really good conversation and he definitely realized I was at a breaking point, I think I just make it all look easy sometimes but inside I am like all over the place. Since then I have gotten lots of days to sleep in, breakfast in bed and more help etc around the house. I think a bedtime of 10 or so is reasonable, then you can have downtime for a little bit and all this 'couple' time can dial back just a bit while still keeping the home fires burning. You are only human, you have your limits as we all do and is normal that you have needs too. :)
I have a very challenging son who is now in 2nd grade. Preschool and kindergarten were difficult years. Do not despair. Your child is learning how to be in school. Diet is important, but so is sleep, routine and clear boundaries for an impulsive child. Also check to be sure your daughter does not also have secondary issues such as Sensory Integration Disorder. Since you are working, ask yourself does your daughter get to sleep at the same time every night? I know when I work (I have a part time job) bedtime is harder to stick to. Do you have a regular bedtime routine? Our goal is to have our son in the tub at 7. Sometimes it's as late as 7:30, but then story time is cut short. By 7:30 he's in bed with books. We get in there to read with him and try to have lights out by 8. No later than 8:30. We saw a significant difference in his behavior (for the worse) over the summer when we did not adhere to this routine. Also, his clothes are picked for him that night. Sometimes we allow him to wear his school tshirt to bed. We follow through with threats and consequence. I utilize Magic 1-2-3. I communicate proactively with his teacher. I do most of the calling and emailing. We are aware of his daily actions and there are consequences/rewards for behavior. That's second grade. Let's go back to preschool. By March, I was filled with anxiety daily wondering what the report would be when I picked him up. I chose to pull him from the school and put him back into in home child care. Kindergarten--yikes! Regular reports from the school. I was working and it caused a lot of anxiety. I finally told the teacher and asked her to please call his retired grandmother (I had already worked a deal with her) to come pick him up if he was noncompliant or disruptive. She would pick him up and he would go home and "nap" at her house. He had to lay on the bed until school dismissal to calm down. At the end of kinder, I decided to change schools. We love his new school. The teachers have been supportive, consistent, and understanding. The principal is fabulous. He still has good and bad days, but we are all on the same page.
I would caution you about IEPs and 504s. Your child is very young to start this process. Talk to the teacher and work on a behavior plan in class that works. Also, it is the beginning of school and your child is testing her boundaries. Go ahead and set some. For her and for the school. Determine if the school can set up some alternatives other than calling you or sending her home. Also consider if that persists, she might continue to act out to get out of school and have time with you. Don't allow them to reward negative behavior.
Lastly, remind yourself (I have to do this constantly) that your child is her own little person with her own personality and genetic make up. No matter what you do, she will be who she is--challenging, impulsive, smart, loving, independent, wonderful. You doing the best you can to be a good mom and wife. Be compassionate to yourself.
Hugs
Our 8 yr old was diagnosed w/ADD in the beginning of 1st last year. We were expecting it so no big surprise. Because of the multiple problems he was having along w/the almost daily calls form the school (ggrr1) we decided to medicate. it made a huge difference to him. I'm not saying to medicate; just telling you how it worked for us. I agree w/Joan, the school cannot keep calling you in to deal w/this. If your daughter got a professional diagnosis from a doctor &/or a therapist, then you should've gotten documentation stating it so that your daughter can receive special accommodations. Talk to the teacher to see if there are triggers for her acting out: transitions, exciting activity at school, etc. What about the classroom environment itself: Is the class clean & organized or messy & cluttered? How does the teacher deal w/problems: is she loud, unclear in her expectations, inconsistent w/her behavior plan in class? All so hard for kids w/ADD. Another parent mentioned Sensory Processing. Some kids w/ADD exhibit traits of Sensory Processing, some have the symptoms & have an official diagnosis. My son was assessed twice for Sensory Processing & twice got a 'no.' But, he is sensitive to loud noise (sirens, public toilets flushing) as well as how things feel like tags or seams in clothes. This has gotten better has he's matured & was never so much that it prohibited him from functioning throughout the day or stopped him form doing things. My son's original 1st grade teacher was not very neat: stuff everywhere, piles of papers. That is VERY over-stimulating to a kid w/ADD. We switched teachers (for many other reason) & that teacher's class was calm, neat, organized. I will second that a schedule & routine are VERY important. The after school activities will be so helpful for your daughter's energy levels. Keep a consistent routine at home as well, for bed time, dinner, bathing & expectations. Keep in in mind that late nights or weeknight evening events may be problematic for her the next day. Talk to the school psychologist & request a meeting to develop a behavior plan. If you go thru the district & get the 504 then you are entitled to services & help from the district by law. And once you come up w/a behavior plan, then, by law, it needs to be followed. As other also said, your daughter is still adjusting, will continue to push the boundries & this should be easily understood by the school. Make it clear to them that you are fully supporting them but that calling you every time there's a problem is not an option.
ME time could be had in small spurts or in large ones. It can be a cup of tea with no distractions, or it could be a weekend getaway. If you can't shift your circumstances, with hubs pitching in, a sitter, respite care, a weekend at grandmas, take out, batch cooking, drop off and delivery laundry service, leaning on other moms for carpooling etc, shift your thinking. Take a mental vacation while commuting, while on hold on the phone, while folding the laundry.
Agree to an every other night schedule with your hubs so you can get a break, or possibly, unwind with a cup of tea (10 minutes) and get to bed earlier, rather than the 45 you are spending on your show.
Should you actually take some real time to yourself to slow down and catch your breath, be prepared that you might get sick. You know how when you've been on your feet all day, and when you finally get a chance to sit down, your feet can swell and ache, the same can happen when you step away from the daily grind. This is why europeans have longer vacations.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
