Just a Vent

I look at this holiday as 'last chance to sleep the day(s) away before school routine starts up again'.
I'm going to be tired and sore - and I'm going to need all the sleep I can get.

Don't know if this will help or not, but my 40 something husband right now is watching college football on tv, sitting in his power wheelchair getting his tube feeding and using his good hand to wipe drool from the side of his lip. I'm folding laundry and keeping him company. Our 13 yr old son is at the game with relatives. I wish we could have taken him but sooo glad he gets to go!

I TOTALLY get that everyone needs to vent, but please don't wish your weekend away. Take a cat nap, wake up a new person and snuggle in for some movies or board games with your kids.

He only ruins your weekend if you choose to let him. I can't even imagine deciding to spend the weekend angry and on top of that make your kids put up with that.

My ex was the king of dickdom and I sure would not have let him ruin a weekend. He got an hour of my mind and I was done and moved on.

Your choice

I'm sorry. It sounds like you had great expectations and now you feel they are ruined. I'm going to give you advice, but you certainly don't have to take it!

What if you changed your expectations? What if you said: My kids are sick and we're going to take a Mommy and Kids' weekend to watch movies together, read books, cuddle up in bed and just create this great memory of the Labor Day Weekend The Kids Got Sick and Mom Just Spent Some Great Time with Us?

Take care.

Part of working things out is WORKING things out.
Ok...you two hit a rough patch and got mad at each other.
You can choose to let that ruin your WHOLE weekend or you can choose to work it out and NOT let your whole weekend be ruined.
Your choice.
Not quite sure what your whole history is with your husband, but I can just say that both of you sitting in your separate corners pointing the finger at who's fault it is is not going to make your marriage better.
HE didn't get you mad....you are letting yourself get mad. You control your feelings.
What are you going to do about it?

Tadpole, you don't say how your husband relapsed, so it's hard to know what sort of perspective to put his actions in.

That said, if you are going to counseling, talk to the counselor/therapist about finding ways to disengage calmly from any tantrums he's having. Blaming or shaming you? It's hard to hear, but it's also important for you to find a way to have a measured response. You had mentioned in the past that he's working on some personality disorders (narcissism, if I remember correctly); that's a hard habit/way of thinking for a person to break. He's going to slip back into some behaviors when he's triggered. I'm not saying this is 'good' or welcome behavior, but if he's really 'working on them' like you said before, that is a good sign. That this is a 'relapse' means that he was doing okay for at least a while, right?

Other women were right when they asked "why are you giving him that much power?" because your response is one of a person who has given the other all the eggs to hold in their basket, you know? I'll give you an example from my own life: when I was 22, I was still a newbie at doing child care. At a staff meeting, the director introduced some changes which I found to be quite a kick to my ego and which insulted my intelligence. As I protested, she overrode me and I, like you, was reduced to angry, hurt tears. Never in my mind did it occur to me that I had the power to find a different job elsewhere. I had put all my eggs in her basket. It took me many years to get from the point of not feeling helpless-- and really, the ONLY reason I was helpless was because I had given her all of the power in our relationship. I still continued to have that dynamic in my work and romantic relationships, though, for years afterward. It kept me very unhappy and reactionary.

Talk to a counselor about cognitive behavioral therapy-- it's such a valuable tool. Taking a moment from a charged situation, being present in it while, at the same time, looking at it from a basis of fact (instead of emotion) really helps. What were the facts of the situation? "Do I have to interpret it as XYZ or can I gain some objectivity, even in my anger, and see that I *don't* have to react to the emotions, but can respond to the facts of that situation in a way which empowers me to feel that I am in control of myself, even if I can't control anyone else? I can produce an outcome/response that *I* feel okay with?" Obviously, crying so hard you get a migraine is a sign of anger, disappointment and helplessness.... but you can also choose, as many who posted before me have suggested, to take back the rest of your weekend.

You received some good advice, please know mine is kindly meant. Changing the dynamics in a relationship is hard, hard work. I think I've posted (on this site) before that my husband and I did 4 years of couples counseling before we even got married. We both came into the relationship with baggage we had to unlearn/unpack and we have gained so much. We went, not because we thought the other was a problem, but because we were committed to each other and wanted guidance. (even though we weren't married, marriage wasn't the goal at the time, being together was.) Our counselor, a wonderful man, is retired now; I feel we owe him much more than we paid for our monthly sessions. Please consider my advice in a proactive manner-- your husband is being challenged to change some big things about himself, and that means that you will be changing too. Good luck.

I'm sorry you're having a crappy weekend.

No it's not your fault your children are sick.

It sounds like you and hubby need to learn to communicate better without making you sick. He shouldn't try to ruin your mood if he's in a lousy one.

You do have the power to choose how you feel and not allow someone being the way your hubby was to you to bring you down with him.

Change the situation, remove yourself a couple of hours, allow both of you time to cool off and see things from a different perspective.

Don't wish away time. You could lose everything in the next breath.

Sounds like it's time to go see your girlfriends and let HIM deal with the sick kids. One of the reasons I am now divorced is because I got tired of my life being completely dictated by my husband's needs/feelings/wants. No more of that for me!

How is it your fault the kids are sick? Unless you personally gave them a virus or bacteria so they would get sick, it is not your fault.

You have a choice even tho you don'know it. You can choose.to be angry and difficult. That will guarantee an awful weekend. Or you can choose.to make an alternate plan to the one that didn't work. I like the idea of doing something fun and leave the kids at home with hubby.

oh, sweetie. i'm so sorry.
:(
it sounds like you're the one who's working on stuff.
you can't do it on your own.
so much good luck to you.
khairete
S.

Sorry he ruined your weekend. Do you need him to have a great weekend? Could you not have a great weekend with the kids, or since the kids are sick leave the kids with him and have a great weekend on your own? Put your anger aside, and do something fun. You don't need to depend on any other person to have a good time.

I'm sorry. We have all had those days. Go and take a nap if that's what you feel like doing. It's particularly difficult to do much with sick kids. Hugs!

marriage is f'n hard. having small kids is f'n hard. I don't know what your hubby did (the relapse word), but it would sure help us to understand.

i'm all ears if you need some compassionate ones.