Just Need Advice

It sounds like you could benefit from a parenting class. I know with your "paraprofessional education" you might think you know everything to be done with kids but a good parenting class can teach you some tricks to help gain your sons compliance.

You may also have to face the fact that you may have a troubled little boy. I am the mother of a young man diagnosed as bipolar at the age of 7 (spent many weeks in mental hospitals during his childhood). His problems really started to become evident about the same age as your son.

I used to carry around 3x5 cards that said "Thank you for your concern. My child suffers from a severe mental illness that exhibits itself in the behaviour you are whitnessing. While your input is interesting, it is of no use to me at this moment and I will leave his care to the professionals that we are involved with. If you have further interest in childhood mental illness please visit the National Alliance of Mentally Ill (NAMI) website." I used to pass those out to the nasty people who suggested that my son would benefit from a spanking when he misbehaved in public situations.

It can be a struggle to raise a willful child...I presume you are doing this alone since you made no mention of a husband. I would get your son a proper psychiatric evalation and get yourself enrolled in a parenting class. Once you know what the problem is..."bad" parenting or something more serious you can fix it and then people won't judge you so much.

You do have to understand it is a perfectly reasonable assumption to assume you are "not a great mom" when your child acts up. Although it may not be the case at all. I wish you well in your search for answers.

I totally know how you feel. I have one child who has a difficult time with listening, impulse issues and overall disruption. When she was younger it was worse, but she has started growing out of it... a little bit. You have to learn what works for that child specifically. She is our 4th child and before she came along we thought we were pretty decent parents. All three children were well behaved and taking them in public or having someone babysit was not something I ever thought twice about. Once #4 came along (she is almost 5 now) she was a great baby until she started walking. She was always getting into something. We even have 3" padlocks on our fridge and cupboards to keep her from eating all the food. People (including friends) were/are constantly giving us dirty looks and judging me on my parenting skills.
There are lots of books such as "the 5 languages of love" which can give you some great tips on parenting. Just remember, do the best you can, ask for help, learn what motivates your child- we have found that if we give her 2 options we get a much better response than just pushing her harder to do one particular thing we also make her look us in the eye and repeat what we have just told her. I don't know what will work best for your child, but also I hope for your sake that he grows out of some of these behaviors.
Sorry this is such a long post, I just want you to know that you are not alone. Go luck and remember that loving your child and helping him the best way you can makes you a better parent than a lot of people out there.

I'd definitely recommend getting professional advice. I went to a neuropsychologist when my daughter was 8 because I was concerned about some of her behaviors. He observed and performed academic testing. She is profoundly gifted, which is sometimes but certainly not always the case with children with behavior problems. She also has ADHD, which is a much more common diagnosis. He felt that in addition, she was a very strong willed child. He offered my husband and me some behavior management advice. She was so different from my perfectly behaved older child that I could not parent her the same way. Believe me, your friends who have "perfectly behaved" children do not know what you're going through. Let me say here, I do consider myself a great mom and I'm also a teacher, so I have a lot of experience with children. I also think you need to increase your self esteem and confidence in how you deal with your son; this alone will make him respect you and respond better to your efforts to discipline him. A therapist or psychologist could help you obtain the skills and confidence to help you through this. Also, do not discredit medication! If your son has a disorder such as ADHD, nothing you do will make a profound difference without meds. It may take trying different meds and different doses, but if this is something that your pediatrician supports, it's worth the effort. Many parents have an irrational fear of medicating ADHD/ADD but I can tell you from my personal and professional experience that the right medication in the right dose can give your son the ability to control his own behavior. I take a prescription for ADD and it's one of the best things I've ever done for myself. My daughter has opted out of meds and due to her extremely advanced academic ability, she's managing very well. She is now 13 and an amazing, responsible girl. She's a pleasure to her teachers, parents, friends, and everyone else who knows her. Get help...and good luck!

Hi S.,

I highly recommend the book "Your Defiant Child". It is a step by step how to fix your relationship with your child so he will listen. It has amazing real life examples that are not only easy to understand but also easy to administer. It is everything that a child psychologist would tell you in an evaluation about Behavior Management Techniques but with way more detail and examples. I too have experienced what you are experiencing with your son. It is no fun and I can assure you that there is hope and you can change the family dynamic. Please either buy or check out from the library "Your defiant Child". It has really helped me to turn things around with my son. Best of luck to you and don't let others judgment get you down. If people are judging you, then they are not worthy of your friendship anyway. You will find a true friend, I am sure. Parenting a defiant child is the hardest thing ever, but with the books help, you will prevail!!

I just got back from a vision therapy session with my son and I could not help but think of your request for advise. It sounds like your son is a lot like mine. I have been to the child psychologist for an evaluation and it was said that my son has ADHD. The doc was a drug pusher and wanted me to medicate him to solve the problem. I do not believe that medication can solve the problem, that it simply masks the symptoms. It will help to get your child to sit which helps the teacher, but how much is he really retaining when he is "medicated". I have chosen to go the therapy route and I just discovered the most effective treatment. Any kid who has ever been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD should go to a behavioral optometrist for an evaluation. They not only test your vision as can you read the chart, but they go further to see if your eyes are working together as a team. Any person who cannot see (seeing is more than can you read the board) correctly will have trouble focusing. Attention span is very small and they become easily frustrated resulting in poor behavior. Reading and reading comprehension will also be difficult for a person with vision issues. Writing can also be affected. Please check out some of the following websites:

www.covd.org
www.advanced-vision.org

or just google vision therapy. If you have any questions or want any more info, please send me a private note. Best of luck to you and your little man!

First I want to say I understand how hard it is to have a child with issues. However they are the most wonderful gifts we get from god.
I can assure you that we to as parents are human and are not always on top of our game. Each day is a new challenge and we are always on stage ready or not.

I would ask if you have had a chance to speak with your primary care doctor about having your child evaluated. There could be something else going on causing your sons behavior. I would start there.

My other advise would be to talk to your friends and let them in on how hard it has been for you and ask for help or advise from them. Your true friends will come out and the others may just be toxic to you and your child.

Take each day one at a time.
best wishes.

It sounds like you need some new friends, ones who will respect you for the challenges you face. Other posts mentioned parenting classes. There are also support groups out there for parents. These would be a great place to increase your confidence in your parenting skills, and also provide you with the opportunity to meet other parents who are struggling as well. Also, if they offer a class in behavior management at your college you could enroll in it.

Remember that many 4-year-olds don't listen. I call it "selective listening." They hear you just fine if you say, "Go watch TV." But they don't hear a word you say if you ask them to clean their room! It can be very frustrating as a parent. You have to remember that it is just a phase (like everything else about parenting), but you have to learn how to deal with it in a consistent and effective manner.

Your situation sounds very difficult, hard on you and your son. The first thing to do is give yourself a break, no one feels like a "good mom" when things are difficult. And those feelings can block you from finding an answer. Those feelings can also motivate you towards resolve this. The most important thing about those feelings is that you take action.

I would do two things asap.
One is have your child tested for allergies. When a child is allergic to something it causes behavior problems. He has no capacity to listen, settle down or behave. He is too young to be tested for ADD or ADHD.

Second thing I would do is try to change the way you think about your son and your parenting. A parenting class will really help you with this. And since most parents don't have time to take a class or read a book, I would suggest you check out my site, ProActive Parenting dot net.
I have downloadable seminars that deal with everyday behavior and share tips that really help you get his behavior under control. I would suggest seminar #2 and seminar #8. We just had a write up where the person reviewing the seminars said that "each time she listens to the seminars she learns something new."

You need to get this under control now while your child is young so you can establish a new parenting pattern and a new way of behaving for both of you.

Good luck.

You need to have him evaluated. Call your local school board. Most public school systems have people that will do it for free, and if they don't do it there, they know who will. Also, keep track of what he is eating and look for patterns. It could be a reaction to something that doesn't work well for him, sugar is a killer for some kids, eggs for others.

If you are struggling with your parenting skills, you may want to see if there are any parenting classes that are offered near by.

I had a friend who's son was hell on wheels, and she was miserable, but I couldn't let him play with my boys because of his behavior. When she showed up people cringed because of her son. She finally pushed the school system into doing an evaluation on him, he had an IEP to help him with his ADD as well as impulse control issues. An IEP is something all schools do to help children that need something extra, but you typically have to ask for one. My friends insurance wouldn't let her switch dr's for a full year, and the yahoo she was stuck with refused to give him ritalin or anything else. She was so angry she told him "you will put one of the two of us on drugs today". They put him on a combination of pills and mixed and matched to find out what worked, and eventually settled on a combination, I forget what. His grades went up, he was reasonable to deal with and his behavior was like a light switch went off. And his mom finally got to breathe a little.

You have to be an advocate and push for what your child needs. But the first place to start is finding out what is wrong.

Well at least you are aware of what the problem is. Now it's time to act on it instead of whining about it. I know it sounds kind of tough to hear that but you do have options. I would start family counseling for you and your son. You can learn some better parenting skills and it will also be helpful for your son. Start now while he is young so you won't screw him up.

Behavior problems are usually b/c of health problems. Not nec. mental health. My brother was severely hyperactive, and had all the things you mention about your son, and my mom went to a natural doc who did a blood test and found he was sensitive to a whole bunch of foods (wheat, eggs, dairy, other random things) and when she eliminated those foods, he was a completely different kid. The teachers all wondered what my mom had done. I think a naturopath may do a similar test. Back in the 70's it was called a cytotoxic blood test, but I don't think they call it that anymore. Just a thought...

I would take what you're saying to heart. If you don't feel like you're a good mom and others are reiterating it, change it.

I also have two complex boys yet I am constantly taking parenting classes, reading about parenting, and often question my parenting.
When I do question my parenting, I look at my kids and see that they are happy, so I must be doing something right.

For me Love and Logic has helped me drop the idea of controlling my kids and letting them make choices which usually have natural consequences. Love and Logic parenting style is easy to use, they have DVD's you may be able to borrow from your library, which are fun to listen to and have helped me become a better parent, they have books, you can use their website, you can contact them directly, they have podcasts and a radio show you can listen to on line.

The bottom line is do YOU want to change your relationship with your son and let that open yourself up to relationships with other parents and friends? If so, can you ask yourself honestly what do you do that's fun with your son? How many times a week do you spend one on one time with him just playing with him or listening to him?

Since you're working full time he must be at school or daycare, do you spend time asking him questions about his day or if he doesn't respond, tell him about your day to motivate him to communicate?

You can change your relationship with him, you will have to work for it and it is worth it for both you and him....
Good Luck.

The thing with parenting is that it is hard and really hard when you have a child who is out of the ordinary in any way. Has your son had a behavioral/psychological evaluation? If not, DO THAT ASAP. What you describe is out of the range of normal "difficult" behavior. And the thing with challenging behavior that is out of the normal range is that you could be making it worse with your "normal" reactions. Please get professional support for both of you sooner rather than later. Life can get better for both of you if you find the right professionals to help you find the root of the problem and teach both of you new ways to function. I am not in AZ, so I can't give specific recommendations. Someone else mentioned the National Institute for Mental Illness - a web search on childhood behavior/mental health disorders will probably have lists of practitioners in your area.

It's hard to think about something being "wrong" with your child. In some ways it may be easier to think "Oh he's just a brat, obnoxious, etc.," and it sounds like more than that. Facing that, getting an appropriate diagnosis and getting help will make life better for both of you. Best of luck to you and your son.

There is a book called "The Late Talker" I found it Barnes n Noble. It is a really good book and I suggest reading it. It gives advise and talks about how to get the insurance company to help you out with this issue. It even tells you the codes your Dr should be putting to get your insurance to authorize treatment for these types of things. My nephew is the same way and I love my sister but I do not like taking my son around to much because I can't let him get bullied by my nephew and my son is really great when it comes to sharing and playing with other kids but when he is around his cousin he starts pushing him. I tell him to play nice but it's hard to discipline him and teach him how to play nicw when he is egtting bullied. My nephew is 4 and my son is 2 and my son has by far a much better vocabulary than my nephew. It just breaks my heart really. Anyway...I suggest reading the book. Several of my friends have asked to borrow it just for the knowledge. Keep us posted on things and good things.

Plain and simple, have your son evalutated. Good parenting can only go so far if your child is suffering from a disorder of somekind. Knowing why he is behaving so badly will help you to have more patience with him in the future.

I would start with the school first, get him set up with IEP, after that talk to your doctor or call around to find a good specialist, you can ask ths school or your peditrician if you need help finding a specialist.

We have just gone through a lot of this ourselves, our son was just diagnosed with a disorder. I understand how stressful and overwhelming it can be to have a child that is different or difficult.

Last thing, who cares what other people think! If you are doing the very best you can with your son that's all that matters. Nobody needs friends that will judge them so harshly, people like that are NOT your friends, never have been and never should be.

Good luck!!

I've wanted to respond to you for a few days but this has been my 1st chance to do so. I read the other responses and a lot of them sound great.

I have been there. My son had a speech delay and it was hard for him to communicate so he would act out. He has an IEP and gets speech therapy at school as well as private speech. I also found that the MORE I put him in social situations, the more he improves (even if it's at the play area at the mall or a park - total strangers work as well as kids he may know). My son has been receiving speech since he was 2 and then we had him evaluated at the Melmed Center when he was almost 4. He is on the Autism Spectrum because he shows Autism-like qualities. I read that other people mentioned ADD or hyperactivity. These are all things that could be affecting him. I'm not trying to make you worry, but there may be something going on that will make you need to change your parenting behavior. For example, my son also has Sensory Processing Disorder. He is on edge if I take him food shopping because the hum of the freezer section bothers him. Now, I go grocery shopping while he's at pre-school or when my hubby is home.

Someone also mentioned food allergies. This is great to look into. Certain foods make my son very constipated and in turn, he became very agitated, just like any of us might do. Keeping a food journal may help you as well so you know what he ate at the times he exhibited difficult behavior.

Him not being able to verbalize his issues is the hardest thing. You are doing the right thing by seeking advice and seeking help with your primary care physician. When I called my son's pediatrician, they got us in right away because I mentioned having him evaluated. Some docs take it more seriously than others. Let us know if you need a referral for a good one.

Good luck and keep your chin up. I've been there. Brush it off (as much as you can). You're being a good mom by realizing there is a problem and getting your son what he needs.

I would agree with many of the posts. I would first start with checking on food allergies, sensitivities etc before jumping on other labels. I have a question for you as well- when you are working who is caring for your son. It could be part of the situation as far as how they are handling him and the foods he eats. I have a great naturopath in north scottsdale that has helped several of my friends with similar concerns everyone is amazed at the difference even the kids:).
If that is the first step then maybe you can go talk to other moms or someone professionally so that you do not beat yourself up over all the changes. I know you are not alone but if you cannot talk to anyone you get even more and more upset about the situation. Moms need a break too and need to vent in a safe place- it sounds like you need that so you can work on your feelings in order to help your son. IT becomes a vicious cycle and you and your son feel the vibe of what is going on.
I have found many a times it is what the child is consuming and how it affects the way they behave.
I hope this helps and feel free to email back if you have anymore questions.
My background is child development and have worked with parents for over 15 years. I too have children and it is interesting- hee hee
D.