Just Thoughts

I'm not sure why so many women are afraid of being alone. Being alone would be nice. It would be peaceful. It would be empowering. I agree with others that you should go to a weekly therapy session to work on your self esteem. I am wishing for you strength and courage.

Reading your post I had a few thoughts myself.

When you travel by plane they tell you in case of an emergency to put the oxygen mask on yourself so that you can help your child.
Are you helping your child?

You say that you may never find another love. If I had a love like you have right now? I'm not sure that's what would be a deterrent to leaving.

Sometimes talking things over with a professional is the best thing you can do. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? Have you ever talked about this with your doctor?

Good luck!

There's nothing scary about being alone.
I don't know where people get the idea that 'alone' is a bad thing.
Being with someone is only great when the 2 people involved are compatible and really in love with each other - if they are not - then alone is better because you have potential to do what you want, see who you want all without being abused and torn down all the time.
Alone means you have control and all the responsibility for yourself.
I suppose the only thing scary about that is that you have no one else to blame in case you mess up.
Everyone makes mistakes - own them - learn from them - don't make the same mistake again - and go on to do bigger and better things.
Once you get over your fears - you'll eventually be happier being divorced.
That's the light at the end of your tunnel.

yes, everyone has issues and challenges, and no one has nirvana while they're in a physical incarnation.
that doesn't mean sadness, bitterness, guilt, depression and resignation are our lot in life.
you're co-parenting either way. there ARE significant difficulties to co-parenting with an ex, but i think they pale in comparison to the ugliness you have accepted into your daily routine. you may think all is well in-between the 'episodes' but i can almost guarantee your inner self is flinching and anticipating when the hammer will fall again.
the sunlight is waiting to flood your life. open the door and let it in.
khairete
S.

I got married for the first time at age 30, divorced at age 40 with 2 kids. I swore I would never marry again...I was SOOOOO done with men. Well, barely 4 months after my divorce I met the man I am now married to. My life is so much better than it was with my ex and my kids are happier too. Let me tell you this...life is too short to spend it unhappy. You staying in an abusive marriage is not your cross to carry. You are showing your child an unhealthy marriage. I would rather have been single than to live the life I was living with my ex. And he never laid a hand on me. Do not settle for an abuser. You and your child are worth way more than that. Good luck.

If you feel that this is all the better you deserve and this is your cross to bear than you do not value yourself enough and need to seek counseling to boost your self esteem for you and your child's sake.

I haven't read all your past posts but if your husband is abusive, pushed and shoves you etc., you leave. Your child cannot grow up thinking that kind of behavior is okay.

Being abused is not a cross to carry. Please get professional help and they can help you determine whether is is appropriate to stay or leave. If you won't get help for yourself, do it for your child, who deserves a happy healthy, safe environment.

You've already been given a lot excellent of advice regarding your abusive marriage. Why don't you go back to your older posts and read it again?

Fine... you do make choices....

but... and I have a BIG question for you;.....

maybe this truly is YOUR cross to carry.....

But.....do you really want to put YOUR CHILD through this?

By staying in this message, you are telling your little one that this is what marriage is.... and he/she will chose a mate much like their father, or they will also treat THEIR partner the way they see you being treated.....

In order to take care of your baby, you need to take care of yourself. Seek counseling(with him if he will). find the strength within yourself to go after happiness for yourself. If that means leaving-than be proud of the positive lesson your teaching.
You may find that you like alone.

My husband married his ex wife under a lot of false pretenses. Her family hid the fact that she was bipolar until after they were married. She was abusive to him - pushing and hitting when she was manic. He was a bit bigger than her and could take it but he said there were times when she left bruises. He too thought it was his cross to bear - not so much the hitting which wasn't that often but being married to a mentally ill, unstable person - being unhappy! He swore he would never get divorced like his parents did. It took his 2 best friends and his sister literally staging an "intervention" with him. They were seeing the horrible impact she was having on their son and could stand by no longer (his son was almost 7). He started thinking about divorce; talked to his closest friends. Someone said to him, "You're almost 40, is this how you want to spend the next 40 years of your life?" That really hit home with him. Why live in misery especially when that misery is having a negative impact on your child whom you are supposed to love and care for to the best of your ability? He finally told her he wanted a divorce. He was very civil (more than he should have been really). He gave her virtually all of their property, 1/2 of his savings and retirement, refinanced his house and gave her that $ and agreed to a ridiculous amount of alimony and no child support all in exchange for 1. a divorce 2. the house and 3. their son. She is very money motivated so she agreed. She has visitation of their son at my husband's discretion but he lives with us. My husband and I knew each other but were only casual friends while he was married. We became better friends once he was single. Then he asked me out and we've been together ever since. That was almost 11 years ago, we've been married almost 8 years and have a 5 year old son + his 17 year old son. He now tells anyone who will listen that it was the best decision he ever made - even with the financial devastation! He's happy, his son is happy and we've built a life together. There is a future for you - you just have to reach for it. It starts with one step - in your case I recommend a phone call to a friend or relative or women's shelter.

If you have already determined that this will be your fate, then you are right. He is not the only abuser here. You are an abuser, as well. You and your husband have created an abusive relationship. You are just as much to blame as he is for creating and nurturing an environment where this kind of mess is okay. If you're not interested in getting out of it and creating a different kind of reality for yourself, then don't. Stay there and deal with it.

Send your kid to live elsewhere, though. It's not cool to teach your kid that what happens in your house is okay, which is what you are doing when you keep your kid in that environment. You can bear whatever cross you choose, but you are wrong to assign this same "cross" to your child. It's bad parenting not to give your kid every chance at just being healthy and whole that you can access. I'm not talking about a new car for a 16yo. I'm talking about the security of sleeping peacefully. That's the least that you owe your kid, since you already gave the kid these parents.

So what if you never find another "love"--since that's what we're calling it--or start another family? You owe your current family more than what you're giving. Let's focus on that.

ETA: I know somebody who had a similar resolution about his abusive relationship with his ex. She was unstable and volatile and violent. She threatened his other relationships and kept their son on edge. He thought that it was his cross to bear. My advice to him was to either leave her or be all in and shut up about it. He left.

Some how your pride is in the way. If you are feeling not safe and secure, you leave. You find a way and "Make it So.!" You find a counselor to help you get back your self esteem to be the woman you want to be.

Constantly living in fear is not healthy for you or your child only your husband because HE has you where he wants you under his thumb. He has you so you can't think for yourself and are afraid.

I just went to the hospital the other day and one of the questions they asked me was "Do you feel safe at home?" This is so they can get you help from the abuser. So there are ways to get away from him. Never let your thinking make you feel that you NEED a man as it never works. Work on you to be the best you can be. Happiness comes from you. No one else can do that for you.

Make a plan and get out! You have a child to raise and that child learns from what momma and dad do as to how to treat other people. If you want you son to be like dad stay put. I personally couldn't.

I think you know the answer and many of us have said what it is. Only you will know WHEN it is enough to leave. Let us hope that is sooner rather than later. Let us hope that you do survive and not come up dead or missing. Sorry to be so blunt but in this day and age it only takes a small thing to set someone off and you are gone permanently. So get into survivor mode and get out.

the other S.

Learning to live by yourself is not that hard to do. You will learn how to do so much more without having to answer to someone who does not want you to better yourself.

No! It is not your cross to bear!! No one deserves to be abused. It is hard to believe, but being alone is better than being abused. Please, call a women's shelter. They are there to help equip women like you to get out of the situations that they are in. Places of worship can also help you find the resources that you need to get out. Please, get yourself out of this situation. You deserve better!! Your child deserves better!

R., we are not tired of your posting. If we were, we'd not log onto this site. I actually get bummed when are no new posts!

One Perfect One, I use that analogy about flying all the time! Great advice!

My thoughts is know who you are. Figure it out and learn to just be you and when the right man comes he will fall hard for you. And gain some damn confidence. You are right there is no guarantee you will find someone. BUT the ovewhelming and unhealthy fear you have of it happening is your husbands controlling and absusive behavior along with your lack of self worth talking. The first step to gaining any healthy views on life is to leave the unhealthy life you have right now behind. No...not everyone has everything. I surely don't. I have a loving marriage with a healthy mind without income on my end. I would choose that any day. And as you say everyone has a cross to carry...but that cross doesn't always lead to a possible/sooner then it should be death.

Right now your cons out weight the pros. Reverse it. You have way more to worry about now then you would if you were single. Death, your childs death, and the chance of your child repeating your cycle being the extremes. Those are some major cons...don't you think?

Hi, R.:

Let me say this, I don't approve of domestic violation or violence.
I have been in abusive relationships all of my life.
What was missing in me was my ability to stand up for myself.
I don't mean standing up and arguing or fighting or return in like kind.

I mean learn some basic social skills and communicate them.
When your husband is angry, it is not your fault.
The other thing you need to learn is to ask him what he needs when he starts getting frustrated.
You will need to step back and change roles from wife to observer.

There is some things you need to fix about yourself to be able to divert your husbands anger and help him.

The other thing is, you need to start learning how to deal with conflict.
Take some mediation and/or negotiation classes.
Take some codependency class in your area.
If you don't try to help yourself, you will continue asking others to fix things for you.
It's your life.
How do you want to live it?
Just wondering.
D.