Just Wondering....... - La Salle,MN

Mind reading was the only class I flunked in college.

Most men don't do any better than I do. If you want him to do something or not do something, tell him. Use plain english. Don't emblish or hint. Men generally have a different perspective. I suspected that before I began reading mam-pedia. Now I'm sure of it.

Thank your husband for working so hard. Tell him that if the farm work can be stopped for now, that would make you real happy because you really need help now with keeping the home clean like he would like it. Explain about the baby being in a more painful and demanding position than the last two and you are hurting.

If you are loving and kind
You will always be on his mind.

ADDED: I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you we had a job chart. We started our job week on Sunday and finished on Saturday. If you didn't have your job done by saturday night you kept that job plus had to do the next one in line until you got your job done. We had 8 kids so we had 7 weeks of jobs and one week of "vacation". Every week the jobs got more difficult until you got to vacation. Washing dishes was the hardest. Putting the dishes away was the second hardest. For quality control on the dishes, if you had dishes and one was left dirty, the dish washer had to eat off the dirty plate or silverware or glass. The second plate, etc went to the one putting the dishes away. It worked great!

Good luck to you and yours

Make a chore chart then make it his responsibility to enforce the kids doing their jobs.

I was a nanny for several years in a household with 7 children. The older kids were responsible for a room and they were responsible for teaching a younger kids the ropes. For example, the 15 yr. old son is Kitchen this week and he has a 3 yr. old as his helper. The 3 yr. old is able to put the silverware in the drawer directly from the dishwasher, it teaches sorting, categorizing, why hands need to be washer, etc...he can also hold the dust pan while big brother sweeps the dirt up, he can put food away on the lower shelves of the pantry, he can wipe the bottom shelf of the fridge clean with a rag, etc...the older brother can teach him lots of skills. In the dining room the big person can clean the table, wash down the chairs, sweep the floor, dust the china hutch, clean the glass doors, etc and the little helper can give each potted plant a little drink, can wipe the dust off the book shelves where the cook books are, can wipe the windows he can reach.

In this house there was also a list in each room, it was usually hidden so that visitors could not see it. In the dining room it was inside the china cabinet. It said "The dining room is clean when" and a short list followed, it contained things like "Each plant has had a little drink" "The table does not have goo or food stuck to it and it is clean" "The chairs have been wiped down and food is removed" "The floor has been swept and goo is cleaned/mopped up". It was easy to check the list to make sure the most important jobs were done. Sometimes she had 2 big kids assigned to a room plus a little kid, the family room was one of those, the play room too. They were just too much for 1-2 people to handle.

He went to work at 6:30-7am and got home around 3:30-4, she did the normal 8-5 hour job. So when he got home he walked the house to make sure the kids were doing their homework and got them going on the chores if it was a room that didn't have to be done after dinner. She would come home to dinner on the table and a pretty clean house.

It was nice to have certain jobs assigned and certain steps posted to know when they were finished. It makes it easy on everyone because the chore is that persons personal job, they are the only one responsible for it, if they don't do it they have consequences, it's just that easy.

I honestly think the problem is staying at home doesn't have the structure that work does. Those that work cannot wrap their brains around what it is like to basically be your own boss but you are running a business with petulant customers. People that stay at home cannot wrap their brains around what it is like to work outside the home. This dynamic makes for some major communication problems. :(

I think the key is understanding. When I come home from work I just want to relax, I have already put in a full day. That is pretty much how a man feels when they get home. Here is what I understand because I was a stay at home mom and most men don't, even if they hadn't worked all day they wouldn't have a clue how to tackle cleaning and maintaining a home.

Here is the rub, a lot of times moms don't have a clue either. We get it done, sort of, but we could do it better. There are people in the business world that do nothing but work on efficiency, goals, how to schedule these goals, they make charts and what not. No one does this for a stay at home mom. By the time we figure it out we have another kid, or go to work part time or full time. The kids find a new sport they love.

No business could run that way and no one should expect a home to. In the end you do the best you can. Then your kids move out and you have no idea what to do with all the free time. :-/

I don't know if this will help you but I am hoping perhaps it will give you some idea of how to translate your business world into that of your husbands. :)

My husband is the same way. He's not mean about it nor says anything very often but our house is expected to be clean. I have no excuses but even when I did, that wasn't a good excuse. =) Can you hire a housekeeper to help you keep up? Even when the kids do a lot, it's not enough. I have a lot of older kids who work hard at keeping up with their chores and clean up after themselves but I still do a lot more than them. It's still hard to keep up. There are just too many people in the house (I have 5 kids.) Have each child be in charge of a room that is their sole responsibility to make sure they clean every day (dust, vacuum, declutter etc.) This is on top of their own bedrooms. You focus on laundry and kitchen stuff and have someone come clean at least once a month. Just some ideas. I'm actually in the same boat as you and I'm not good at keeping the house clean. Which reminds me that I need to go now and not come back until tomorrow so I can do what needs to be done. =D Have a great day and hang in there!!

I know you are just venting, really, but have you considered making a chore chart for the family? Seriously. A big white board that you can hang somewhere (laundry room?) that lists the chores and 2 columns for whom is responsible and whether it is done. Or you could get one of those giant "teacher" pads that stand on an easel and make columns on that.
YOU should not be solely responsible for the upkeep of the house, and being that you have a blended family with lots of ADHD going on, you all need a way to help keep track. And hubby needs to see that if/when and which kids are doing their part and which aren't. Then he can address the "guilty" party himself, instead of leaving all of that to you. :)
Here's a sample list of items, that your kids could take over:
Vacuum
Clean toilets
Clean mirrors (entire house, bathrooms included)
sweep floors
laundry (divide up by colors or denim or towels, or however)
fold clothes
(every one should put away their own clothes, except hubby)
dishes (wash or run dishwasher and empty/put away)
"pick up duty" (have one person take a laundry basket around the living areas and fill it with all the things that don't belong in that room).
Each night after dinner, everyone goes through the basket for "their" things and puts them away.

Then, you can just remind the kiddos--- did you check the chart and do your stuff?
My biggest issue is mail. I try to go through it and touch things only once. But when my husband gets mail (reminder notices or things I don't know if he has interest in looking at) I set it aside for him. He either ignores it or opens and leaves it lying there. He won't throw it away. He won't put it somewhere if he wants to keep it. Nothing. So my kitchen counter gets strewn with literal Junk mail, b/c it is "his". (I do all the bills, etc).

As far as him going over to the farm when the stuff is done. Maybe give him a week before you say anything about it. Then suggest that your kids could use some more time with him and that before the baby comes would be a good time, because after the baby comes things will be more chaotic.

My husband does complain about the "mess" sometimes, but I usually can see it coming (and I AGREE) but it is when we ALL have been slacking and it builds up. He is usually pretty understanding and does plenty to help most of the time. (Of course he does plenty to make messes, too, lol).

Oh yes honey. Dealing w/some things that are very similar.
I'll say this as nicely as possible: I think most men view staying at home
as no work at all and as a treat.
I'm sure my husband can't understand why the house is not showroom
or "model-home-looking" when he gets home from work.
Really?
Because I have 4 people making a mess in this house and only ONE cleaning it up?
Yesterday I did loads of laundry, dusted, vacuumed, cleaned 1 bathroom, made dinner & took toddler to park & swim lessons. The house still looked like a wreck. Aaarrrgh.
I, also, take c/o of my Alheimer mom along w/my toddler 3 days a week for 8-9 hrs each day.
I AM TIRED. :)
I think men THINK they can do it all and do a better job.
They think we sit home and do absolutely nothing. Ha ha.
I know for a fact that MOST men, not all, could not handle our jobs on a daily basis.
So you are pregnant. Take care of you first so you can take care of unborn baby (congratulations by the way:) and your other kids.
Like they say on airplanes in the pre-take off speech, in case of emergency parents......secure your oxygen mask first.
That's so you can be alive & able to take care of your children's safety.
So take a deep breath, know you are not alone, don't waste your energy or breath on trying to get "through" to him.
In my limited experience, I have found that taking care of my attitude, health, outlook etc is all I can do.
And generally, when I do that......things get better.
(Good reminer for myself today. Thanks for that.) :)
Know that you are not alone but it is still nice to have your husband around. He is doing what limited things he can do given his short-sighted-ness. Meaning he is doing the best he can given the tools he has.
You go SuperMom. :) Wishing all the best, peace in your daily life and a safe, happy delivery. :)

Well... you may not like this, but I can see your husband's point of view. My husband and I both work FT, and we have two young children (5 & 2). We both make a good salary, and our incomes are roughly equal (I make slightly more) so it's not as if one of us could stay home with the kids (if we wanted to) and make up for our salary by avoiding daycare costs. Now, we don't have a housekeeper or anyone else to clean or do household chores such as mowing, yardwork, etc. I feel like we both work extremely hard to keep up with these chores as well as working full-time. And, heck yes, if one of us was home full-time with the kids, then I would expect that that person would pick up the majority of this work at home! That said, I do agree that the older kids should be helping out - if not just to take some of the pressure off of you, then to teach them that things will not always just be done for them. Personal responsibility.... that's what I want to teach my children.

This is more of a ha! than helpful...

When my 3rd was born, my dad took a few days off to watch my oldest two so my husband could stay with me & the new one. All he had to do was take the older two to school and preschool and pick them up - no meals or cleaning or shopping, my mom did that. After he went back to work, he told my mom, "Now I know what you did all day." and he apologized!

Let's hope your husband sees the light before my dad did.

I would have your hubby talk to your step children about helping out. They are old enough to and you shouldn't have to start yelling at them. My step kids aren't the cleanest kids, but hubby did talk to them when I was pregnant. There have been other times when I have asked my hubby to help out (when I wasn't pregnant) and he said similar things as your hubby did. He just doesn't always understand that there are times even as a SAHM that stuff just doesn't get done.
My hubby started working from home recently and there are days when our daughter is also home. He now sees why there are times when the house is a mess. Between him and my daughter they can create an enormous mess.

Call a family meeting.

You say "this isn't just my home, its dads and all you kids. Just like you take care of your hair or your clothes, you also have to take care of this house. Everyone contributes."

Then this is dad's cue to start listing what you both expect the kids to do around the house and define what they need to take care of and how to take care of it and when. If you do all the talking and listing, he will never be held acocuntable for his expectations, whether they are legit or not.

If your husband wants the house clean, then everyone needs to make an effort and at the same time, he needs to communicate to everyone what he wants.

Write up a contract if you have to. Make them sign it in blood too.

Excuse me but you are growing a baby right now so your job is to eat healthy, rest and stay well. Nobody else can do this job but you. Everyone else can help clean house so your husband and older kids can figure out how they want to divvy up the chores. You husband gets to set immaculate standards for cleanliness only if he is willing to help make it happen. Since you are dealing with three characters who have ADHD, they could work together and find a way to control it by keeping busy around the house.

Well, having been on both sides of the fence, I CAN get wrap my mind around both sides. I have been home, I have worked FT and I am now working PT. My PT work is financially lucrative, but it is, in the end, PT pay.

My husband works--a lot. This pay period (2 weeks) he had 44+ hours of OVERTIME alone. He works HARD--physically AND mentally. He also travels quite a bit, so I see (on a smaller scale) what it's like to be a single mom as well.....

Money involves power. Whether people want to admit it or not, the person earning the lion's share of the moolah *thinks* (even somewhere deep down) that it equals power. Power can look like a lot of different things.

Now my husband is probably as evolved and fair-minded and reasonable as most of the good ones, but he does have a level of expectation about things at home: meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. Before the child--it was DINK City and all chores were 50/50 down the middle. However, being pregnant--you NEED his help and he should freely give it!

It makes sense, of course, that the stuff around the house IS my JOB now. That doesn't mean he doesn't or won't pitch in and do what's needed. I may get blasted for this--but taking care of kids and all the stuff at home is MUCH harder than being on-the-job! Less structured perhaps, but harder.

As far as time away from the kids, I can relate. My husband travels a good bit and thus, has to be away for day, weeks at a time. He misses out on all that happens during that time. He doesn't like it. I have to say, my husband (in spite of being 50 and working 60+ hours per week) coaches baseball, takes our son places & out to play. That's a matter of priorities, I think--not financial power.

Perhaps your husband needs to hear exactly what he's missing out on and how much you really need his help--and presence--right now.
Good luck!

I tell my husband that if he does not like the way the house keeper cleans the house then fire her...Because she is a work in progress and has a life and her own things going on all day...Like HIS children.

I was not a house keeper before we got married.

One of us had to stay home and rear the kids.

I did not see him jumping into that driver seat...considering he took on an EXTRA job once I quit working.

something about me being the one to give birth to our kid...That made him feel Like I was the one that needed to stay home...No that was not it...Bu tI always wonder if it really was the reason.

He has always been the one that was the more cleaner person. When he cleans it is spotless. when I clean, the surface looks clean, but if you touch it...It may not be smooth.

You need to realize that you are not his maid. You are his wife. If he wants the house to be immaculate , maybe he should hire a house keeper. Being a wife and mother. And running a house hold is a full time job. Deep cleaning and sterilizing stuff is something to be done when YOU have the time. and not needed to be done on a daily basis.

My husband can turn a clean kitchen into a war zone in ten minutes or less. I will refuse to clean it. Unless I have too, because I need to make lunch or want to bake. If I am the one to do it. I will call text or email him and give him a piece of my mind.

I have a kiddo with behavior issues. I am cleaning up Zephyr made messes literally all day. From the time he Painted his whole room in peanut butter to the day he walked through some of my paint I had out and ran through the house(I am an artist so paint being out is nothing new for him. he went out of his way to get up to my art table to do this....So it well beyond me being irresponsible with stuff).

You do not have to take his junk.

Do what you can. And defend yourself when he gets on you. He has no idea what a day in the life....back, to back, to back, to back can be like with a house full of young kids, it is exhausting. Especially if they have ADHD. I know how tough that is.

Hang in there momma. You know you are doing an amazing job!

He's picking at this point. Doesn't make him a bad person, but he's picking. And I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with the house. He may be worried about this child or the money involved having another child. Who knows. But it's not all about the house.

Also, make a chore chart for the kids. Have them follow it. Have consequences if they don't. That'll help with the blame game.

I'd also find a moment to sit with your husband and ask why it is that he can't be home if his work is done. Maybe he's taking on different work. Maybe he's having a hard time with the baby so he's staying away from the house. I have other theories, but alas...I am not living in your house.

I'll always suggest counseling. Can't hurt.

Congrats on the weeone. Sending good thoughts your way.