Keeping Composure During Emotional Discussion

My ex was quite volitile. I found a lawyer for me and only me. I paid for him out of my pocket and once he found out I got a lawyer, he started to become more 'flexible'. He couldn't afford a lawyer and I wasn't being a nasty b*tch... But I simply wanted to protect myself by having legal counsel. He never got a lawyer. He found that he really didn't need to.

Wait - are you married to my ex? LOL.

You need to bring a third party who can be neutral. Do you have a friend, relative etc who can act as a mediator? That is what we had to do.

I would also suggest meeting in a public place, like a restaurant - or even the mall food court.

Hopefully everything will work out. Good luck - I know it's tough to stay calm when you are talkin' to crazy!!!!!!!

Remember to breathe (deeply and slowly - in through the nose and out through the mouth), be slow to speak and quick to listen, and definitely have a friend there. I wouldn't meet with him alone because of his volatile nature. Desperate people do desperate things. Don't fall into a trap because your first experience with divorce was unusually sweet.

Wow, he sounds like a super controlling guy. Thank goodness you are removing yourself and your children from that toxic environment. I just feel sorry for his daughters. They're stuck with him.

You've been doing really good at keeping your composure and getting through this with as little bloodshed as possible. You are almost at the finish like.

I wouldn't apologize for things I didn't do and I don't think you need to own stuff that isn't yours. If someone walked up to your house and dumped a bag of garbage on your doorstep would you take it inside your house? Of course not. That's not your garbage and why on earth would you take it in?. You would toss it out where it belongs. You need to do the same thing with these words he is saying. It is so much garbage and just because he lays it at your feet doesn't mean you have to take it in.

In stead, apologize for what you can. Say sincerely that you are sorry that the marriage turned out the way it did. You are sorry that the bond didn't develop between him and your kids the way you wanted it to. You are sorry that you were unable to communicate and work things out instead of having to go your separate ways.

If he still doesn't sign, then find a divorce attorney and get a consultation to figure out your next options. I am sure he doesn't want to have to use a lawyer either, so maybe the fact that you have been to see one will be enough. If he is intent on dragging this out as long as he can, then maybe he needs a little kick in the seat.

Best wishes,

L.

I read through all your answers so far and I think Krista P has really good advice for you. Keep it simple; don’t do any more talking than you have to. Just determine before you meet him that you WILL be calm, you WILL talk in a calm, quiet voice, you WON’T be incited to yelling or anger by his actions. He doesn't control you.

I think meeting in a public place is a good idea, but I wouldn’t sit down and order food, etc. That may make the meeting longer than it has to be. Plus if you’re nervous, you probably won’t feel like eating anyway. Choose a place where you can meet, sign papers and leave. Meet indoors so the papers don’t get blown away, a sudden weather change won’t affect the meeting, whatever—it’s just more controllable. A library would be good; there will be tables available for use.

I’m not sure about the idea of taking a friend. Your soon-to-be ex may find that threatening, and it could put him on the defensive and make him less willing to negotiate. Maybe have a friend waiting in the car (preferably out of sight) for you? Or on phone standby? Or both!

One more quick thought: any chance he wants to meet in person because he wants to see if there’s any chance to make it work? Just trying to be prepared for anything. Have a response ready!

Good luck, and just remember, it could all be over in a few short hours! Be sure to update and let us know how it went!

Make sure that you meet somewhere public like a busy restaurant so that, hopefully, he won't be able to make a scene. Bring a very trusted and strong (emotionally) friend with you who can step in on your behalf and say, "That's enough," if and when he starts badgering you or trying to intimidate you. And maybe, if you can see him for what he really is, with taking yourself out of the equation, then it may help you create some emotional distance and keep your calm. Don't think about how he was with you or the destructive things that went in your relationship. Just realize that this guy is very reactive and hurting on a level within himself that is causing him to inflict hurt on those around him. It's not your responsibility to save him from his own destructiveness. You've got you and your own kids to take care of.

I hope that you are able to get him to sign your divorce decree with minimal fuss today. Will send positive thoughts your way.

Honestly - I would get an attorney. Let him (your ex) and the attorney work it out.

J., I recommend you hire a lawyer that is not going to let your-soon-to be-ex bully you and your kids. This is a life changing event, that with a difficult ex, could blow up. Call Haugen Law Firm ###-###-####. Their webiste is www.HaugenLawFirm.com. They have a lot of experience in handling people like your ex and getting the cases resolved in the best possible way. I've been in your shoes... Best wishes and God bless!

It sounds like he is trying to control the situation. He most likely thinks that he can wear you down and get you to concede all kinds of things that you don't want to do. Maybe you can just tell him that he can either sign, today, or you can just go to court and spend a lot of money. If he won't agree than you will either have to concede or stand your ground in court. Good luck! He is trying to control you still!

A restaurant meeting is perfect. Not McDonald's, but a quiet sit down restaurant. Separate checks, naturally.
You can tell him you are sorry he is feeling hurt (acknowledging his feelings without taking any responsibility for his feeling that way). The quickest way to move past the hurt is for him to sign on the dotted line so he can heal and move on to his happily ever after (on his own - with someone (anyone) else - what ever).
Some people get caught up in the one-up-manship spite thing.
My husbands parents (were married for 30 yrs) divorced when my husband left home for collage. It was the knock down dragged out spite/grudge match of the century. They were not physically abusive to each other. They had each moved out of their home into separate apartments - and took turns looting, defacing, destroying the house where they lived for 30 yrs. She changed the locks and took all the inside doors. He changed the locks and took all the kitchen cabinets. She changed the lock again, and the appliances disappeared. He changed the locks again and knocked down the stones from the chimney. (It was his opinion he built the house - it was his house - if he wanted to knock the chimney down, it was his right to do so.) They'd both lived there so long, they each knew how to break into the house regardless of the locks constantly changing. It was almost funny in a really sad kind of way.

I read your story from April, and I think you are a very strong and brave person. I am sending a prayer to you for protection and the ability to get through this... I think it is probably too late to give advice, as you wrote you are meeting tonight, so I am just sending you positive energy and strength. You are doing the right thing for your children, and for you. Best wishes.

Meet somewhere that is public. It sounds like he needs to be in control of "how" this ends. Be prepared for him to say nasty, belittling things that are not true. Don't argue with him and do not give him anything to react to. If your goal is to get the paperwork signed and be done, then focus on that. Don't beg, whine or engage in extended dialogues.

Just have the paperwork there and listen. If he refuses to sign the paperwork, then tell him (simply) that the conversation is over and that you will be contacting a lawyer. By doing this, you are ending the dialogue and putting the ball in your own court.

Not all things can end amicably. We want them to, but in many situations it's just simply not possible. Remember that you are offering him the opportunity to handle the divorce outside of the legal system (and saving a ton of money) and it's his choice not to accept your offer.

Good luck and if for any reason you feel unsafe or that he may confront you outside, ask the manager to walk you to your car!

Having heard several divorce stories, I read your comments two ways. One where he is the problem. One where you may have left him with little communication or understanding of what happened to destroy the marriage. Since you have areceived many answers for the first way, I will take the other route.

If he wants clarification for what went wrong, try to answer as objectively as you can. Most couples turn into their worst selves with people who push their buttons, sometimes unknowingly. Sometimes people assume too much by a lack of truthfulness and openness. If he hasn't gotten clarify, think about how to state it without making it seem like he is all the fault. Sometimes, people are just poison to each other and make a great fit for others.

My brother, for example, doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge his part in things, nor does his wife. While they ignored my pleas to get not only marriage counseling but individual counseling as they both had areas that would drive most people nutsy. They are divorcing now and neither is seeing their side of things and I fear that they will carry that to their next relationships unless they truly find someone who doesn't care about it. The fact that he "threw" you out doesn't say it all. What he threw you out for may be important.

Do remember that apologizing with a "but" on the end doesn't qualify for an apology. Have you lied (for any reason)? Have you neglected to be open? Have you refused marriage counseling? Are you demanding or a perfectionist? If any of these are true, you could admit them to give him some closure. "I don't know why I feel that or do that" is acceptable only if true and you are seeking understanding.

So, please take no offense. I was just trying to be helpful in case it might apply.