L Had to Send My 15 Year Old to Live with Hes Dad, Did L Do the Wrong Decision?

You lived with a boyfriend who was neglecting your son since he was 8 yrs old - and your son is now 15 - so that's almost half his life.
It took 7 years to get to this point - and the fix was never going to be a quick one.
I don't think dumping him at his dad's was a good move.
By allowing your living situation with the boyfriend to continue for so long - you symbolically abandoned him - and now you've physically abandoned him.
Really? You expected your son would call you and beg to come home?
Why would you think that?
Continue therapy both personal and family with your son.
Work on your career/job and avoid personal relationships for several years at least.
After breaking up with this last boyfriend you need to work on your self esteem before getting into another relationship.

I would have kicked out the boyfriend immediately. But it is too late for that now. If he is doing better at his Dad's house then maybe this is good for now. He is only a kid for 3 more years and then at 18 he is legally an adult. I would spend these 3 years doing family therapy with him and working on making your relationship better with your son. Dump the boyfriend. Don't take on a new one. Focus on your son for 3 years. Sign up with a good family therapist.

Kids do drugs and act out when they are not sure how to cope with how they are feeling. Therapy doesn't always help at first, or at all. It depends on the kid. He likely feels very alone. Not that you didn't try, but kids don't always feel understood or accepted - especially when they've got complicated feelings.

What's crucial is he knows you are there for him - period. You've already sent him to live with his dad - so regretting it or worrying if it was the wrong decision, is kind of pointless now. What about you - did you get counseling on how to parent him? I would not know how to handle this either - great advice below, but it's not an easy situation. True, I'm sure his behavior is somehow related to the atmosphere at home with a boyfriend of yours who didn't accept him or have much interest in him. Of course that is going to affect a kid. What's done is done, and I'm glad he's gone now. But remember, that's a lot of hurt and rejection. This is likely probably fairly 'normal' given the circumstances. So is not knowing what to do about it.

That's what therapists are for. I never really got that (if they were helpful) until a while back when I went to see one myself in regards to parenting a kid I didn't really get. It's ok to not really get what they are feeling - you just have to be there. Don't expect anything back - you're the parent. Kids don't owe us anything. You just have to show up and be consistent and love him unconditionally - and accept him as is. That was the clincher for me.

I'm guessing your son may feel you're frustrated and maybe he feels you are now single because of him, etc. Teens take it all in, and don't know how to process that kind of stuff because they aren't mature enough to.

If you needed a break - then you are the best one to know if you really had to take this step. But if you need help with the parenting - I'd suggest seeing a counsellor yourself - even just a few sessions.

Best to you. Keep us posted. Sounds like his dad is working with you so that's good. It will take time.

Maybe you just have to trust his father to take care of him, and be patient in regards to your relationship with him.

You created the problem in the first place by having a boyfriend in you and your son's lives who was not good to your son. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings. You may have to accept that your son holds you responsible. Because you ARE responsible. You cannot make your son forgive you if he doesn't want to.

But time and maturity on his part may. Your ex is right. Give him time.

I looked back over your many prior posts, and I remember the history of having a pretty negative role model in the house - your boyfriend was not a good influence on your son. It took you a long time to get rid of the boyfriend, and it's good that you did. But the effects on your son will take more than a few months to erase. If he can be with his father and perhaps have more structure (or even a different environment) for a while, that may very well be a good thing. Teens often get mad and stay mad - so you have to be the adult here and be much more patient with your son while he works through all these conflicting feelings. He has a drug problem and a defiance problem, and I hope his father will get him into therapy and make him attend. Be grateful that your son's father is willing to step up, and let him carry the load for a while.

Meantime, please work on yourself through counseling. You have made a tough decision, and difficult as it is, continuing the way you two were going was not a good option. It's fine to let the other parent take over for a while.But you also have a long history of not being sure of yourself and not being able to make tough decisions, so this is the time to work on strengthening your own resolve and becoming more self-assured and more confident.

I think it's unrealistic to expect your son to call. He does not "owe" you a phone call. He's adjusting, he's hopefully dealing with more discipline, and he has a whole new house and school situation to deal with. It's great that his dad is communicating with you. I think you can drop your son a card or note now and then just to say you are thinking of him and that you love him forever. Please don't put in anything about doubting your decision! Discuss that with your counselor, but don't share adult issues with a teen, particularly a vulnerable one who is struggling with drug and other issues. Don't ask him to make you feel better - you don't give a child the job of helping an adult. Just assure him that you know he's a wonderful kid inside and you know that, with time and work, he will get himself more on track every day. You can tell him you miss him, but don't go on and on about being miserable, you know? You can work on the dos and don'ts with your counselor, and perhaps in consultation with your son's father and your son's therapist.

As B said, make this the time to focus on YOU. Do NOT get into another relationship until you get yourself straightened out.

But you did give up on him. You took him and dropped him off at his father's house. That's what the 15 year old boy sees and hears. He's 15 - he can't see beyond that right now.

What has changed? You showed him your love is conditional. I know what you did is tough love, but in the eyes of a 15 year old? it's not love. It's abandonment.

You REALLY need to do counseling WITH your son and WITH his father. You ALL need to be on the same page. Your son won't just bounce back in a few weeks because you finally booted the boy friend. That's not something that you just say "okay, he's gone".

Please - find a serious family counselor and get your son, his father and yourself there. Get this out, get this fixed. Your son needs boundaries and expectations. You need to be the role model - not the do as I say parent....

I wish you luck!