Lack of Reciprocation - Am I Taking This Too Personally?

Ask.

"Oh my goodness, when Janey and I drove by we saw that gorgeous new swingset. She's so excited to play on it with Jenny. I need to run to the store for milk, could you watch Janey while the girls play on the set?"

Be clear. You get clear answers that way.

This lady sounds like my neighbor . She is so sweet when she needs something . Just say no , if you can . It's hard to say no to the rides to school but I wouldn't watch her three , ever . Some people are just takers and only think of themselves . Hang in there and don't answer the phone on school mornings !!!

Ask HER for a few favors now and then.
If it's convenient to do her a favor when she asks and you don't mind then go ahead.
But if it's not convenient then tell her 'Sorry but no, I can't do that this time." every once in awhile.
Don't let her take you for granted.
When you're watching the kids and she's not home, maybe you can all go over and play in the other back yard for awhile.
Bring a book to read when you go over while you are watching them.

No, I'd be annoyed and offended as well. The next time she asks for help say "Sure, I can watch your kids tomorrow, and on your next day off you can have S. over to play at your house. She's been dying to play on your new swingset".

Be assertive! Don't let her take advantage of you! If she says no to having your daughter over, say no to helping her in the future.

If you want some reciprocity, ASK. This mother is either totally clueless, or a user. So which one is it? You won't know until you turn the rock over and see what's under it.

Tell her "I would appreciate it if you would invite my daughter over some to play. You have a new swingset that is so inviting to her. The girls spend time in my car several times a week, and I've babysat for your kids. It would be nice for you to host my daughter some too."

What SHOULD happen is that she realizes that she hasn't reciprocated and jumps at the chance to help. If she acts cold about it and makes excuses, then you know...

I don't get why eight year old neighbor kids need to be invited to "playdates"? Can't they just run back and forth to each other's houses? Have your daughter run over and knock on the door and ask if her friend can play. When they talk back and forth about what to do, she should mention the swingset.
Being too busy shouldn't even factor in for 8 yr old kids. They can play on their own without constant supervision.. Do other kids get invited over?

I can see why this would frost you.
We have O. neighborhood mom that openly admitted she prefers her boy to come here (ie. any other house) so her house doesn't "get dirty"! Ummmm... Really? Thanks. I'll just clean. More. Grrrrrr....
I'd learn to day NO to so many favors. Fast.

I'm in a similar situation. It's so annoying. Some people are just takers. Bottom line. You've been generous and she's not. There's a difference between tit for tat and 100 to 0... Not even a case of you inviting and it's not reciprocated. Somehow she feels it's ok for her to ask for help but she can't imagine maybe you'd like help sometime or just do a nice thing for your daughter? So now you have to decide what to do. Does your daughter really like this girl? I take a deep breath and say I'm hosting AGAIN for my kids' sakes, not their friends' mothers... If you're doing the pick up from school for the mother's sake, to be nice and a good neighbor etc then stop. Bc yes, in this circumstance, I think she should have invited your daughter over for a short term playdate. If you're doing it bc your daughter really likes to play with this girl, then remind yourself you're doing it for her. And be honest with your daughter - tell her not all mothers are good about hosting and it doesn't mean the girl doesn't like her. So if you've been doing the school pickups to be nice to the mother, then she will continue to take advantage if you let her. Start finding excuses that you can't. You're "too busy" too.

I would just stop making yourself so available to her.... you owe her nothing and since your daughter and the girl go to the same school, your daughter can see her at school.. It's not that I am suggesting and eye for eye.. but I do think at some point friendships need to have give and take on BOTH sides of the spectrum.. you can still be nice, but you needn't be the woman's doormat...

Not that i would do this, but I agree with flat out asking her for a favor back.

You: "Do you mind watching Ella while i go to my appointment?"
Neighbor: "When is your appointment?"
You: "I can base it off of your schedule."

Only you can allow someone to take advantage of you. Learn to say no if you can't or don't want to babysit.

As for reciprocation... I never had children over with expectations of my daughter being invited to their home. I never took other children on trips, dinner, activities, etc with expectations of other parents doing the same for my daughter. I never kept a tit for tat log on what I did vs what another parent did, how many times kids were at my house vs another house. I had children over because I enjoyed them being at my house and visiting with my daughter.

Maybe the mother is overwhelmed if she already has 3 children and adding another one for a play date might overdo it for her. My daughter had friends who did not want her to come to their house because they were embarrassed of their house, the condition of the house, one mom was a heavy drinker, and so on.

It worked out for us to have children here because my daughter had the entire upstairs to herself and when other children came here, they "escaped" the routine of their own home, being around siblings, etc. I had no problem opening my door to these children and no expectations at all for reciprocation.

If your daughter wants to play on the swingset so badly, maybe she should ask her friend. Maybe the parents don't allow others on the swingset for fear of liability if someone gets hurt on their property.

This is so rude. Especially after you flat out said about the swing set and she still didn't have her over. I would continue to help her out a couple times a week getting her to school, but nothing else. Has your daughter asked the girl why she can never go to her house? I would have her ask and see what she says. Then I would say something to the girl myself, you know it would be nice if suzie could go to your house and play sometime, do you think you can ask your mom? I don't know what good it would do though. But I definitely would NOT be watching her 3 kids for an entire weekend again! Good luck.

start saying no to her. that will change things quick, and then you can decide if it's worth it.

You aren't doing this stuff *for* the mother, you're doing it for the child. It doesn't have to be one sided, it can also be zero sided. It will not be 2 sided because this woman would have to want to be the other part of it and she obviously doesn't want to. We don't do favors and expect things in return, or at least we shouldn't. Thats not a very good attitude to pass on to your daughter. Doing nice things is the reward in itself. If you don't want to do it just say no, thats your problem and if you keep saying yes and are resentful then you are doing to yourself, she's not doing it to you. I can ask for things all day and night but the other person has to say yes. You feel bad and say yes and then want something in return,when you don't get it you are upset, its natural.

When I first started inviting kids over for birthday parties I was upset sometimes that some of the people didn't invite my son to theirs but you know what- there was no agreement that if I do this, you will do that. I invite them because I like them and my child likes them,not so we can get invited back.

Who knows what goes on behind close doors with this woman. Maybe she doesn't like kids in her house, you said play dates with others are rare. Maybe she's a private person, or has depression, or is overwhelmed, or just doesn't like you but needs your help and hates having to even ask but has no choice, or, or , or. She is a single/married person with 3 kids, its not easy.

Also, when I was growing up in the 70's we lived in a blue collar neighborhood, none of the parents had higher than a high school education so money was tight for everyone. There were tons of kids my age. All of the other parents would go out on Saturday nights with their friends to movies and dinner and had babysitters, thats what they did with their extra money. My parents never did any of that. All the neighborhood kids hung out at our house because my parents used their extra funds to buy nintendo, a basketball hoop, rent movies, and to take us and everyone else to the museums, beech, amusement parks etc My mother drove everyone to school. Do you know that NOT ONCE did any of the 20 or so parents every take me and my brother anywhere or drive us. We were never invited over for dinner or anything. My parents fed anyone who was at our house. They loved providing a safe, fun place for everyone. They did this for 10 years until we were all driving. When my father died the neighbor boy that I grew up next to spoke at the funeral, sobbing, and said if it weren't for my parents he never would have gone anywhere or done anything fun, his parents were just to self absorbed.

If my parents had stopped doing nice things because no one reciprocated, so many of our friends wouldn't have the happy memories they have today.

The reasons don't matter. Keep doing good things, its worth it.

Well, you can't make them invite her over. But you also don't have to be the mom's babysitter. You can say no or you can say "I'm sorry, but I can only keep an eye on Friend today". Do you ever ask her in return? "DD would like to play with your DD. Can she go to your house this afternoon?" You can also tell her that taking her kid to school all the time no longer works for you.

Is it possible that she fears someone will get hurt and that is why? You could offer to be there at first. Does she perhaps drink? (sorry-had to say this). Having an affair (do I watch too many soap operas these days? note to self- time to go back to work. Does if/there is a husband- does he work at night? A handicapped person inside all the time? Hiding someone that she took from first husband?? ANyway, I would invite ourselves over once and if that doesn't work then say no. Perhaps it's just too overwhelming. She is an accountant and I work with kids.That is life...

You could ask her if she can watch your daughter one time, and see what she says...

I think you should help her if you want to and it works with your and your daughter's schedule, and don't feel resentful if it's not reciprocated.

Maybe she's a hoarder, and doesn't want anyone to see her house. Just a thought. You never know why people do what they do; there might be a good reason.

"A little more info....the mom is not a hoarder. She is a type A accountant."

What does one have to do with the other? My house is currently a disaster, due to many, many reasons ... Though it's much better than it was a few weeks ago! It's quite possible that her house is a mess, and she is embarrassed. Maybe not, but you just never know.

If you really want to try, I agree to ask her if she can watch your daughter sometime. Other than that I would just decide for yourself what you are willing to do without feeling resentful. You can only control you.

Stop with the favors. She's using you.

Then go one-for-one. One 'yes' to a playdate equals one ride to school. One invitation to play on the swings equals one ride home from school. Get it? The mom will catch on quick.

I think the mom sounds clueless and over whelmed. Probably the last thing on her mind is asking more children over to her home after working all day all week.

Not every mom is able to handle other peoples children. They feel like they cannot keep an eye on everyone and get all of the stuff she needs to get done because she works so much and her work is stressful. She may have a lot of take home work as well as all of the house work, cooking shopping, paying the bills, etc.

Could be she was not taught how to be gracious and have people over to her home. We learned this with some of our daughters friends. A few of them said their parents would never consider inviting their kids friends on trips, to join the family for meals etc..

We were pretty surprised because we always seemed to be going and blowing and including people that we were not always related to. It is just part of our lives.

Some people hate hosting. My house is messy and I am very sensitive to judgmental kids and parents. My kids also do better playing at other houses than my own. I also have a 2 year old and sometimes I just don't want the stress of watching another child. I do allow play dates, but I try to avoid them. For some reason the kids always end up over here anyway though.

I'm not one to keep track of favors and such either but this woman sounds pretty inconsiderate...especially after you mentioned the swing set. I agree that you should probably say "no" here and there...for the kids sake I'd still want to get them together. In order for the relationship to work, you just have to accept it for what it is. You're not going to get the same in return from this woman. I have a friend like this, I do favors for her all the time in terms of watching her son at my house- I do it because her son plays so well with mine and they have fun. What irks me is that she never invites my son over anymore and I really don't understand why- the only time I/we get invites is when she's doing a "pampered chef" type party...we've since moved on from that friendship and it's for the better- I'm not wondering why anymore!

The neighbor isn't obligated to have other kids over to play on the new swing set. You are not obligated to have her kid over.
IF you have her kid over to play, it should be because you WANT to, not to make her owe you a favor in return. If you don't want to babysit on a particular day, just say no when she asks you.

She might be clueless, or she might be a user, or she might not be willing/ able to host. Either way once you find out, you still have a decision to make. Are you willing to continue to take her daughter/ mind her kids from time to time so that your daughter can be with her peers? If the kids get along, and you are willing to have them round/ and or supervise them, or be at her home to supervise your kid while she plays with hers, it could still work out for your daughter despite the lack of reciprocity.

Best,
F. B.

i'm not big on micromanaged reciprocity or keeping score.
but i'd be way over this chick.
time to start saying 'no.'
khairete
S.

If she's a true type A then it's likely she just can't cope with people coming to her house. Be glad the kiddo comes to play with your girl.

Updated

If she's a true type A then it's likely she just can't cope with people coming to her house. Be glad the kiddo comes to play with your girl.

Updated

If she's a true type A then it's likely she just can't cope with people coming to her house. Be glad the kiddo comes to play with your girl.

Updated

If she's a true type A then it's likely she just can't cope with people coming to her house. Be glad the kiddo comes to play with your girl.

For about 10 years (when my daughter was 2 until she was about 12), we had my daughter's BFF at our house ALL THE TIME. We used to call her our second daughter. Loved her like our own. I bet for every 10 times we had her over...it was reciprocated once. If that. Who won in the situation? My daughter. Yeah. I had to clean more. I had to buy more food (she was at our house for dinner a couple of times a week) but my daughter got to be with her BFF. I have no clue why it was never reciprocated. Their house was pristine...ours lived in...maybe they didn't like the mess? Mom mentioned once that her husband didn't like chaos.

After about 10 years, my daughter got tired of it. She quit inviting the girl...and the friendship faded. She's sill my daughter's "go to" friend. If no one else is available...my daughter invites her over. We even took her on vacation with us last summer. Again...nothing reciprocated. BUT...said friend enjoys our house. And I tell our kids "Your friends are ALWAYS welcome." Your daughter will remember this when she grows up.

Don't keep score. Keep your own kid's best interest at heart. BUT...don't bend over backwards to do favors either. It's a fine line.

If you're feeling this resentful over the situation you describe -- you may spend much of your daughter's childhood and tween years feeling resentful. There are going to be many friendships and acquaintanceships in your child's future where you think the other parents aren't reciprocating evenly, or you feel the other kids are not giving your child the same attention she gives them, or....or....

It's pretty normal, and if you cut off every family where the parents don't think to reciprocate, you could cut your child off from some kids who are themselves OK. I also wouldn't assume the worst of the mom; she is clearly not thoughtful but that doesn't mean she's a flat-out intentional user; however, I would let her know that she seems to turn down play dates and I'd try to find out why. (By the way, do you mean that she "never says yes to play dates" if you suggest that the play dates be at her house? Or she never says yes to play dates at your house/at all? If she is saying yes to your house but not to hers, it's not the idea of play dates that is the problem for her.)

I can't tell you how many times we invite other kids over, or take them places. We don't do it with expectation of reciprocation and few families do reciprocate. In your case here things are tougher, I agree! Your child can see this shiny, tempting, great new swing set sitting in someone else's yard and isn't being asked to play on it. And it's hard on her. And .most of all, the mom's asking you to babysit (not just watch, babysit!) ALL three of her kids at your home was going too far if she has not reciprocated or asked you if she can pay you or at least offered to bring some food over for the kids when they're with you.....

But you can't try to guess what's going on with the mom, and she may be more swamped with her job than you realize (even part-time jobs can be a lot); or she may have family issues of which you're unaware, or her schedule and her husband's might conflict to the point she's never comfortable having kids over or sending her kid on play dates because the logistics are too much. I'd give the benefit of the doubt and stop feeling I was being dissed somehow.

But I also would stop saying yes quite as often to her requests.

So next time she asks if you can babysit, say you can watch her kids but only at her house and you'll be bringing your child along so they can have fun together! Or try this with a smile: "Hey, Annie, I was OK with helping with the kids for that work event, but do you need a regular, paid sitter? If you need a regular sitter, here's a number for...." (The local sitter exchange if there is one, or the web site for the local college's job board where college kids sometimes look for babysitting work, whatever.) You're telegraphing to her that you are not on call. "I also noticed you usually can't have Jenny do play dates with our Sally. Is there an issue with schedules with your work? I would like the girls to get together at both our houses more often, because our Sally really has fun with your Jenny, but it seems play dates don't work out." See what she says...

Stop telling her yes. Tell her you're busy. Casually ask her to watch your daughter or ask when your daughter will be able to try our the new swing set.