Lack of...ahem, Libido?

It's been 18 years and I'm still waiting for it to come back. There's something about kids right outside my door that just sort puts a damper on the whole thing, for some reason. Supposedly zinc is good for your libido - try pumpkin seeds or even easier a supplement.

I thought I was crazy too, but I thought about it and besides the actual physical hormonal difference of breastfeeding, you are also dealing with lack of sleep and constant fatigue (I know I was); the other part of it is psychological.

As mothers we are an A-sexual being to our kids. In other words, we turn off that part of ourselves in order to interact with our kids. I mean think about it, we are constantly giving love and affection to them but it's not sexually charging. We are being touched all day (I know sometimes by the end of the day I don't want ANYONE to touch me, not even the poor dog!).

I realized this when my husband touched my breasts one night and I had a natural sexual arousal and I thought... Geez those things have been sucked on and pinched and in pain all day... how come when he touches me it feels so good? Haha! Does that make sense?

I also noticed when my kids started to ween and I got my period back, I instantly got more...libido (actually I just got plain horny!!! LOL!!!) When you feel that way, you have to act on it so that you can retrain your brain to those impulsion. I'm sure your mate won't mind the sudden attack either. ;-)

Our poor husbands must think we are nuts!! But I know what you are going through, and I thought I was just being a bad wife. Explain how you feel to your mate too, so that he doesn't feel unwanted. Good luck sexy lady (she's still in there)!! :-)

Hi there - it is not that unusual to have a lowering in sex drive. First, it is always a good idea to just rule out any physical causes. (hormone imbalance, depressive symptoms, pain/discomfort issues)

The next thing to do is to reconnect physically. Touches, hugs kisses, etc that are NOT aimed at a sexual experience. For one, this takes some of the pressure off the expectation and can build on the need to be held and noticed by our partner.

Another thing to consider is how is your relationship going?? Having a baby is the time for the dramatic shift in our relationships. Do you feel resentment? Sad feelings? These can add up to lower one's sex drive too.

Then, just another thing to put out there--women tend to have 2 switches for sex desire. One is "on and ready to go!" the other is "let me see about getting in the mood" If things are "right" the 2nd switch can catch up to the 1st switch.

You might have functioned more in "1st switch" mode before baby.

Just some ideas!!

I agree with the "2 switches" advice. You really have to mentally "psych" yourself out sometimes. Your body has been used as a human incubator for nine months, then you're healing from that (leaking from every possible orafice!) and suddenly when that is all done you are supposed to go back to being this sexual, sensual being. Ugh!

It helps me to focus on how amazing the female body is. When you think about all that our bodies are capable of....it is truly amazing! We really can go from pregnant, to mommy, and back to sexy wife all in the span of a few weeks!

Are you on any type of birth control? I know that Depo Provera can KILL the libidio....or possibly if you are NOT on birth control, you could be stressing about getting pregnant.

Other than that, the connection time with your hubby is of course super important. If you are going straight from the baby to your bed at night with no "non baby" time between you, that will kill the mood too.

Good luck!

My baby will be 6 months old next week. We've had sex ONE TIME since she was born and it was down right painful. I laid there afterward listening to my husband snore--while willing the aching and burning to go away! It was worse than my first time and worse than the first time after my first child. My poor husband is miserable, but after taking care of two children, our home, and myself all day... it's just not up there with my top priorities.

I do find that there is about an hour every day that I feel sexually umm.. interested? I'll think about it, have a fleeting vision of having sex, but then it passes. Over the last month it has moved from 12-1 pm to about 4-5 pm. I'm hoping in the next month or two it moves into a time of day that might actually work for us.

I'm sure the breastfeeding has a lot to do with it. We've got someone latched on to us at their whim all day long. It can be overwhelming and exhausting! But it's worth it. A few weeks ago I asked my husband to close his eyes--open his mind and think about the first 6-9 month of our older daughter's life. What did he remember most about it? I asked him this OUTSIDE the context of sexual discussion. He said, "Her little feet, her little coos, her adorable clothes, watching her nurse, watching her learn and grow..."

I said to him, "Do you remember being pretty much celebate? Honestly, think about it?"

He thought about it and said he had no rememberance of that. I think that really helped him to understand that these months will pass--sex will pick up. But for now, the baby's security and emotional development really is the most important thing.

when i breast feed its 100% gone..
most women I know are like that.. just FYI

Hi, Tracy-

Mine did not come back until my son was completely weaned at 13 months.

I think my body chemistry is particularly sensitive to different levels of hormones. I have to have a low dosage for birth control, otherwise it makes me vomit. I had a delayed but strong reaction to the pitocin and epidural during delivery, so my contractions made me hyperventilate and then I couldn't even tell I still had legs. In the last few months of nursing, my son was only nursing 3 times and then it was only a minute here and there. I wasn't exactly a milk machine! And yet, the hormones were enough to affect everything.

I finally feel like my mind is coming back...
Oh, and I didn't get my cycle until 2 months after weaning.
SO...each body is different.

Sorry T.,
No help here. My son is 26 months and I honestly feel like if I never had sex again it wouldn't be the end of the world. My poor husband... we met in college and we used to do it all the time (TMI I know) and I'm sure he feels like he got tricked! Now I do it only once in a while and mostly just to make him stop complaining.

For me (and my other friend with your kids) part of the problem is that for us women, everything is connected. So if our husbands irritate us by not calling when their going to be late or forgetting that we're going to at work late so they should make dinner or whatever, or just not dealing with the kids independantly so we can have the tiniest break, that stays with us and it's a turn off. Shoot... If I could walk into a room and find it clean and tidy with the bed made and know I had nothing to do with it, I might rip my husbands clothes off right then and there!

I think the nursing and the hormones may also have something to do with it. I finally weaned my son a few months ago and am starting to feel it coming back. Fingers crossed. Good luck to you.

T.

yeah, breastfeeding kills it. But it comes back (a bit more) when you start ovulating again, I promise.

In the meantime, get lots of lube, make sure you are getting at least 8 hours of sleep, and try some erotica (visual or literature works pretty well for a lot of women who need the boost to get their brains tuned in again after baby drains it all.) The one thing I can guarantee is that if you are still active regularly, your interest in it can come back. When you have longer and longer lapses, it just seems silly to bother and you just end up cuddling on the couch until Lost is over. Which isn't bad, but it's not yowza either.

Once I quit breastfeeding, I took Maca to boost my libidoa touch. I think it helped by placebo, but maybe there really is something in it. Anyway, it amplified a few things, but I was usually interested when the baby was awake or he was too tired.

FYI, I have a 30 month old and still have a much lower libido that I used to pre-pregnancy and I require the exact perfect conditions for having relations these days (i.e., I kick him out of the shower when he tries to jump in because hello, when do I get private time?) I also read some of the other posts from women who have had pain during early sex after baby. I totally cried after our first time post birth, I had a lot of scarring from the delivery. Don't anyone beat yourself up about the pain/weird stuff. Just know you are drier and need more lubricant, and go way slower, and make him work harder since it takes more to get you going.

Hi T.,

I know its hard, but try scheduling it with your husband. I know it sounds crazy, but get a babysitter for a few hours or even one hour and just spend some time with your husband. You don't have to be intimate, but get the reconnection going and see where it leads. Even though you won't feel your libido increase right away, leading up to it will certainly help get the ball rolling. :) Good luck and I hope this helps.

Molly

T.,
Try taking of the nursing bra at night, that had a lot to
do for it with me. Like the other mom said, it was a major turn on when he touched me. Wear something you used to wear to bed, instead of mommy pajamas. That should help also.
W.