-I've been dating someone for almost a month now. He's kind, generous, amazing personality, great job, warm and caring family, amazing friends... except for one thing...
His Ex-Girlfriend.
They broke up about a year ago. They work at the same company, and attended the same college so they have work friends that are mutual and college friends that are mutual. He still goes out to lunch with her and other friends 'occasionally,' (he's been honest since day one so I didn't find a reason to worry- until now.) She has had a really hard time with the break-up, (and us- being girls.. know how that is.) The problem is the way she's handling it.
He gets together with their mutual friendbase about 2 times a week. Since we've started going out he's stated he's beginning to distance himself from her more, (not answering her calls or texts as much,) and trying to show her that he doesn't want to hurt her, but needs his 'space.' In turn she calls and texts him more. She has had several, 'emotional' outbursts and he's afraid of causing more. She's even gone so far as to develope seperate relationships with his roommates lately so she'll have a reason to be at HIS, (he owns it,) house. He states they were all friends before, and doesn't know how to cut her off. And plus- he doesn't want his mutual friends to feel like they have to pick sides.
On our second date she texted him that she 'almost ran into him' as he was backing out from our date. He thought that was strange that she was in the same area. (We were not by her 'neighborhood.') I didn't say anything- I've run into exes in weird places, (although... I've never texted them.) I asked him if she texted often, he said she did. He's always been honest, and I've stated that I appreciate that.
He doesn't want to have a 'serious' relationship -'just yet.' He wants to see where things go with us. I said that was fine, because since I have a little one, I'm ridiculously careful about who I bring around my daughter. He said he understood and that, was that.
His ex-girlfriend has asked to have three, seperate talks since him and I have been dating. He's accepted the invitiation everytime, hoping that would make her stop the nonsense. It has made it worse.
She has said that since it 'hurts her' that I'm involved in his life, he's not allowed to have any windows or im's open from me in HIS office, and his space, if he knows she's coming by to drop off paperwork, or sit in on a meeting. He stated to her that was unreasonable and she'd have to deal with that.
She said it hurts her that he's dating me, so she wants to hear nothing about me. She doesn't even want him to say my name. He again, said that was ridiculous.
She said that since he still hangs out with her and his friends, she didnt want me there.... and he AGREED. (I was shocked when I found this out tonight.) -So hurt. He has since cancelled plans with me because she'd be 'at the same party' or 'in the same room' and he thought the situation might get out of hand. (Everyone that knows me knows I'd walk away before I even raised my voice. It would only make her look stupid.) He says that everyone is walking around on 'eggshells' because they're afraid she'll have 'another outburst.' (Why is everyone putting up with this?)
He is still going to go to the events WITHOUT me... and to see his friends, even though she is there. Because he doesn't want to miss out on time to see his friends, and relax. He is even still going to do lunches with everyone if she's there. He said plainly that he cared deeply for her once, and wants to maintain a civil relationship with her.
I hung out and he had me meet most his friends on NYE. They were all very, very nice. His friends took a lot of pictures of the evening, and CROPPED me out of the pictures that were posted on myspace, or their websites... EVEN HIS- because they were afraid of her reaction. (She's 'their friend too.') ????!!!
I told him this is unacceptable. He says just to wait a few more weeks and to let things 'blow over.' He's taking small steps, and just wants her to 'win for a little while, then she'll get the idea.'
I say she's an abusive, emotional wreck. He talked to his best guyfriend about it and his guyfriend said since I was so 'new' I shouldn't care about hanging out with his friends.
I'm thinking of ending it over this... what would you do?
I have to be hidden... and I just found out about all of this...
-Has anyone else EVER gone through this? Ladies... if a GUY did this to us- it would be different. (We would call him a controlling freak, and file a restraining order... he just calls her his 'silly ex girlfriend') I feel like he's excusing her behavior. He asked me to be patient.. but for someone that doesn't want to be 'serious' and still wants to be involved with his ex... I find this story hard to swallow.
So he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too...
I think I would tell him the if he really wants to date you he can give you a call when he is ready to date someone.
Truthfully, what he is saying and doing are two very different things here. He is definately doing whatever it is to keep the ex happy...and she is doing her best to make sure he doesn't get to be happy.
This is a situation I would back myself out of. He may be all these great things, but his baggage is more than you need to deal with. Your focus is your daughter, and it shopuld remain that way.
If he doesn't know if he wants anything serious right now...really he won't be ready for a long time. You don't have to drag yourself through his growth stages or these 'high school' type games that are going on.
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E.L.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
Hi K., I haven't dated in awhile but I would leave him be until he figures out what he wants. The is such an odd situation and he may not be telling you everything. Just be super sweet and tell him that you have a child to worry about and you don't want drama in your life. You should be stress free because children can definitely sense that. My guess is that he will realize real quick what he wants once you step aside. If he wants you back there will be conditions (ie. get rid of the crazy lady)if he doesn't then there is your answer. It is possible to live without men just not as much fun. And as cheesy as this sounds there are plenty of great guys out there. You shouldn't have to live under his conditions because in a sense he is controlling the relationship. Hope that helps:)
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J.A.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
Hi K., until he can put you first, I would lay off from seeing him. I was married to a guy who put me second and the only thing it did was make me a mess emotionally. Do yourself a favor and get out now before it hurts too much.
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M.K.
answers from
Duluth
on
I am with the other ladies on this one. My ex husband had a hard time with our break up, was hung up on me for years after we split. When he got together with the gal he is now married to, he was still telling me he loved me and writing "I love you" in the dust on my vehicle. She put up with his one foot in, one foot out mentality. Her kids and mine have watched this and its caused a lot of problems. If he's not ready to severe ties with her, he's not ready for a relationship with a mother and child. Because when someone dates a mom, in reality, the kids are there and their well being is first and foremost. She shouldn't feel comfortable making rules for him this far out. And excluding you from his circles of friends at her request. Well, act like your best friend just told you her boyfriend told her this! Best of luck!
