Letting Go - Houston,TX

You will never stop being involved, you are just handing over the baton slowly. Stay in the background and let her come to you if she needs you or think she is falling. Be her coach not her boss.

Great question! I have a son who'll be 17 in October and I find myself wondering the same thing. I tend to over-mother my kids (only because I have 5 kids and I'm a motherly person) so I've started backing off as much as I can and let his dad do it. I was on my own making my own decisions when I was 17, and even moved out on my 18th birthday. I didn't handle my schedule or jobs perfectly but I did just fine. =)

Just let her know that you are there for her if she needs advice or help on anything, and yep, let her spread her wings. She'll be transitioning from a child to an adult..... give her that respect. She will ask when she needs your input, otherwise your opinions might chafe her the wrong way and create an avoidance that you dont want.

Talk to her about your concerns but do it once -- don't beat a dead horse into the ground. Let her know that you are there for her and that she can call you with any questions or concerns that she may have and trust that she will do that. Chances are, you have been a very conscientious parent and have laid out a great foundation already for her to start her new independent life with. There are some mistakes that she will have to make on her own and, if she is smart, she will learn from them.

I've just noticed that out of all my friend, the ones who had parents that were there showing their support and had made themselves available to give advice when called upon, were the ones that my friends actually listened to and respected. Some of my friends do have parents who always seem to be critical of whatever they are doing and telling them what they should and should not do, and those friends, to this day (they are in their 40's and 50's now) still have parent issues and tend to be somewhat rebellious (e.g., Mom thinks I should buy this flatware so I'm going to buy that one!).

I think playing it cool, showing that you trust her adult judgment and just being their to support her without judgment in the good times and the bad is a very good role to play in your daughter's life at this point.

While I don't think something magical happens when we turn 18 that *poof* makes us adults, I DO think it's time to start phasing yourself out of micromanaging your daughter. ALWAYS be there for advice and support, but you have to let her learn to stand on her own. Hopefully you've raised her with good values, a solid work ethic and as much self-confidence as a young woman can have these days.

It's time to let your baby bird test out those wings :o)

Backing off completely sounds abrupt. Yes, you should give her more room to handle her responsibilities, but "you're on your own now!" might not be the way to go.

:+)

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Time for transitions. She is coming into adulthood. She probably doesn't need you to monitor or facilitate as much as you used to. It sounds like you have done a wonderful job and she is independent. Your role now is changing in her life. She is still your daughter and still your child but she is not a child. So think, if she was just another adult how would you speak to her and how would you interact with her. If she is mature enough this may be a question you may want to ask her. She will appreciate this conversation with you and the nature of your relationship will blossom to the next level. Congratulations on having such a delightful sounding young woman. She sounds like a marvelous addition to human kiind. THANK YOU.

Having a job at 16 then working FT at 17 my parents were in my life because I lived in their home they knew my schedule & what days I did the night shift come home they let me be I took care of myself, but that was till I was 19 after that I moved out they new what I was up to I worked FT lived with my BF "hubby now" but they didn't really ask too many questions about my life they knew I was doing a good job held up my respsonsibilites & trusted me they were always there for support & guidnace.I was more than capable of managing myself,duites,responsibilties my parents let me be I wasn't an immature teen who needed a crutch all the time

I think that all depends on what you have instilled in her up until now. Does she need help reminding her to go to her job & do her work? Is she fairly responsible? If so, back off. If she is going to be attending college in another town, she isn't going to have you to remind her of things & will need to begin to do things on her own. At the same time, she needs to know that you are there for her as a touchstone.
Perhaps pick a time that you 2 can sit down together & make a checklist of things to do for graduation....That will also teach her to make her own lists. Then she is on her own for checkoff & doing...you can also see at that point what she actually needs your help with.
It is really hard when they are nearing THE age...you want to help, but don't want to push.... If you do have a good relationship, you won't have to worry too much. Lots of luck.

I'm thinking of the same things! My oldest has recently turned 17 and he is _so_ forgetful. I have started with letting go of one thing at a time. I try my best to ask about one thing _only once_ and ending my chat with "okay, then I'll leave that for you to take care of" or "just thought you may have forgotten about it".

For instance, I can't improve his school grades for him. Since I know we have discussed why they are low, I say "just checking: do you have any questions? Maybe I can answer them or help you find answers" or "I'd like to see what you're working on, if you don't mind". I know his low grades will have their own (natural) consequences.

At home, when he has been reminded that the city garbage can does not go to the curb right in front of our mailbox and he puts it there anyway, I will say "I had to move the city garbage can [for you -- it's your job]. That will be a dollar (you owe me)."

It's funny how fast things are done right the second time when they have had a consequence (and, ooh, a dollar could have helped him buy that movie ticket so he could see it with his girlfriend)!

And how outrageous is it that the things we (parents) learn to do (and not to do) with our oldest are lessons we start with the younger siblings earlier than we did with the oldest?!!!

Anyway, you are her mother not her boss. If you feel you are being to overbearing, ask your daughter if she feels you are. I would make a bet that she would love to talk about how much she can now do on her own (keeping up with deadlines, etc) and in what areas she wants to learn more from you (e.g. budgeting). Make this a fun thing to talk about. It's another way of say how proud you are of her. Don't forget to say that you are very proud of her and mention something specific thing she has done!

You will be fine. She will be fine! LOL

She's IN college? Then I'd let her come to you when she needs you. I'd talk to her about her day/week and be less of a mother in the "doing" sense. If you did your job for 18 years, she has a good foundation. I have found that when my stepson (now 21) needs us, he will call.

If she hasn't graduated yet, I'd sit down with her and the last of the senior schedule (which can be a lot) and a calendar. Get everything down that you and she need to get done and ask her what else she has on her plate and what she needs from you. My stepson was so worried about his AP exams that he nearly forgot some important Senior deadlines (you know, ordering the cap and gown) so having everything so we could consult it if we needed to.

Then, it sounds like this summer she's earned some kick-back time. :)

My daughter is 17. Works, plays soccer, ultimate frisbee and will be graduating HS in December of this year. I ask that she lets me know where she is going to be and when she is going to be home. I don't manage too much...sometimes I'll ask how she is doing with X or what the next steps are, but I try not to repeatedly harp on things. She is actually more organized than I am and does a pretty good job of staying on top of her priorities.

My child's year of college, I was much more involved but in the past 3
yrs. I am only called up at times to give my information for financial aid, household or cooking questions.(SMILE)
IMO, your daughter sounds responsible so follow her lead mainly, but feel free just to check in when you think she may need it like asking how classes are going or if she's made any new friends, etc.
Congrats to you for raising an amazing young lady.

I would stop halfway... You could get her a nice fancy day-planner, and go through it with her and help her get everything down on paper (or chip... if you get an electric one).

If she's living with you, I would get a dry-erase board to put on the fridge, wall, whatever. Or one of those big wall calanders that actually has room to write stuff in. She can fill in where she will be, or what she has coming up. That way you will know what's going on withough having to be 'all in her business'.

The most important thing to know is if you have let your daughter fail and helped her to pick up the pieces and move forward? So many parents are afraid of their children failing that the kids never learn how to (or that they can) pull themselves together, learn what and why they failed and still feel good about themselves.

If you have done that, then you have nothing to worry about. Will she still make mistakes? Yes, we all do. But don't tell her what she did wrong, why, etc. (unless she asks for advice). Just be supportive and help her to move forward.

Once you practice this kind of mothering, then she will come to you for advice.

Hi V E.

Parent Coach J. B. here. What a loving question! We all want the best for our kids and deciding how to step back so they can step up in their lives isn't always easy.

Last year, my oldest was in his Senior Year of High School. After careful consideration, my husband and I decided to make it a year of "transition" while under our roof. We didn't back totally off on our guidance and house rules, but we gave our son enough additional freedoms that he felt more control over things like schedules and studying. Since he planned to go away to college, my thought was that it was better for him to take over his adult responsibilities bit by bit at home than jump in the "deep end" at college and see if he could "swim". If you do this now, your daughter might stumble a bit, but she'll learn smaller lessons now than when she is in her Freshman year at college.

Also, since your daughter is focusing on some very big decisions and making those arrangements, you might adjust your expectations for her helping around the house and being involved in family activities.

Periodic, non-pushy conversations can help this transition. You can ask her how things are going, what she thinks she needs to do next to choose a college, find a place to live, etc. and offer to help with some of the details if she wants it. Asking open-ended questions will get her thinking. These might be, "what is most important?", "what are your options?", "what is next?", and "would you like me to help with any of that?"

This is not a situation that needs to be "micro-manage her" or "leave her totally alone". There is a happy medium that will suit your parenting styles and her personality – one that gives her the best possible outcome for her future.

Good luck,
Parent Coach J. B.

Yes. If she is showing that she is trying to handle her life then I would let her. If she asks for help then that is a different thing. I try to let them manage unless they need something and then I do my best to help but for the most part let them live their lives.

My daughter is in her 1st year of college. They recommended the book, Letting Go by Karen Coburn. It does help. In this day and age, I stay in touch with my daughter thru FB, text, etc.
I helped her Senior year of school to stay focused on all the extra paperwork that was required to make deadlines. That was overwhelming even to me-just kept a calendar with deadlines and we both had a copy-now in college, she knows how to write all her assignments, work schedule, etc. on her own planner.
Since we are still paying for most of her college and phone, we have told her we are still in control somewhat. She has shown responsibility with part-time jobs but no one can earn enough to pay for their own education. She is in the dorm but gave us all the details and presented her case for moving off campus.
So my opinion, I would not back off completely because she needs your advice-just not your harping. This year will go so quickly that you want to remember it with some fun. We had fun writing essays for scholarship apps about stories in her life and as I read them, I would remind her how proud I was of her-made it go much smoother.
You will cry and just let her know you are a mom and can't help it. And then you will laugh with her at yourself!! Just enjoy.