I am just having a really hard time latley and by latley I mean for almost 2 years. I have a son who will be 2 in June and I have an in home daycare that I just started in Nov 2010 so I could stay home with him. I was so completly unhappy being a mom who had a career. My husband kept prompting the idea of in home daycare because I couldn't just quit my job with no income coming in at all from me. I fought this idea actually for almost a year because I didn't think I would like it. Well I don't and there is nothing I can do about it. My husband does not make enough money to support our household on his own. He has offered to get a second job instead but I know he really doesn't want to and I don't want him to either. We are the type of couple that will fight more the less we see eachother, so that also rules out me getting an evening job. So that is one part of my issue within myself.
I really want to move to where my husband's mother lives. I am very close with her and she is a total inspiration. Not to mention I would love for my son to be close to her as well. Where we live now we really or I should say I really don't have support other than my husband of course. I feel like he really doesn't understand this. He hates change and he has lived in the same city his entire life. I got really "crazy" one day and actually did a job search for him in the city/state that his mom lives and found a really amazing one that he is completly qualified for and that was enough money per year that I would not have to work at all and we could actually have another baby too. He said he would think about it but then we never really talked about it again. He told me when he started this job right out of college that he wanted to get 5 years in the industry then he would move on. Well it has been 5 years now. I fell really selfish my I am unhappy with the way things are and I have been for a very long time. I am trying to be patient but it is really hard.
I have been an emotional mess (even more than usual) over the past month or so. I have really no idea why but I can't seem to hold myself together for an entire day. I even started smoking again! I think it is an awful habit but It soothes me at the moment. Just as a dise note I do not smoke around the children. I only smoke when they all are down for their nap and in the evening when my son has gone to sleep. I just don't think my husband really grasps how unhappy I am. It is very hard to talk to him about it too, because he becomes almopst defensive and then starts in with the "He's not doing enough for our family" stuff. I think I am really just venting here, but any advice would be nice. Or if anyone out there has been through anything like Iit.
Diane B. - My mother in law lived where we do for the first half of our relationship . She moved almost 6 years ago and my husband and I have been together for 12 years. It is funny that you say to have her come live with us for a month or so..........she actually did right after my son was born.
On another note. I wrote in a journal for a couple weeks and then asked my husband to read it. So I am sure he knows just how unhappy I am, I just don't think he knows what to do about it. I said I can't really talk to him about it but he knows.
Hi CD, I'm gonna jump on the depression bandwagon. Talk to your doc, get some help. I did. I went on Zoloft for about 6 months. It helped me HUGELY. Once I started feeling better, energized, ready to roll up my sleeves and GIT BIZZEE, I went off them with no problems. That was 9 years ago and I haven't been back to that place (the place where you are now) of desolation since.
Peace to ya Sista!
:)
I know how you feel hun.
My situation is a lil different, but mostly the same.
I moved from my home, in Chicago, to Ohio for my hubby.
He lived out here for a lil while and loved the calm quiet of it.
I personally HATE it here.
I have no support here, besides my hubby.
I have no friends, no family etc.
My hubby keeps bitching about how he hates his job, but will not actively look for another one.
I'm a SAHM, which I love, to a certain extent. I'm BORED out of my mind. Constantly lonely and sad.
Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kiddos & hubby.
My hubby knows I'm unhappy, but there really isn't much we can do at this moment. I can't move by my family. THey live in like 4 different states.
The biggest difference between your & my situation is that I WANT a job. Not something that I'm gone away from my kids all the time. But SOMETHING.
I find the things that chill me out or help me through the day is talking to my mom & sisters. Reading books. At night, when the kids are asleep I escape for a drive.
I don't have much other advice cause I'm right there with you.
But I hope you figure out what can make you happy!
It sounds to me like you are dealing with depression (maybe post partum, maybe from earlier). There is a lot you can do to deal with that - counseling to sort out your feelings and have someone to talk to besides your husband, possibly medical care & meds which work for some people but not for all. You are not happy as a working mom, and you are not happy as a daycare provider, and you won't be happy if your husband takes a 2nd job. You want your husband to fix it by taking a new job that he didn't search out, and you want your MIL to help you. You have some good ideas but they are not being sought out by the others involved. You have taken up smoking as a way to self-soothe but you know it's not good for you and of course it is an added expense.
You seem to have this idealized image of your MIL but maybe the reason your relationship is so good is that you DON'T live near each other. Why not invite her to come live with you for a month and see how that works out?
Your husband may be stuck in his own way of thinking, or he may be worried that just changing locations isn't going to help you be happier. I think your problems have a deeper source than just money, and you both need to work on those. He thinks he is the cause of your unhappiness so he avoids the topic, as if just making more money would make you happy. You think that more money would make you happy, but I'm not so sure. I would help, I know, but there's more afoot here. I think you would benefit tremendously from some counseling to help you sort out what you want and need, and to help you find the right words to express yourself to your husband. He could attend a few sessions with you after you meet with the therapist first, and you should be able to find a counselor covered by your medical insurance. Ask your primary care physician or your gynecologist for a couple of referrals. Please do the right thing for yourself and try to sort this out. You can't address your needs until you really know what they are.
It may be postpartum... or it may be "I can't believe that this is what my life has turned into"... meaning that you made some choices that you weren't 100% certain on at the time and now you are seeing that your "gut" was right and that you shouldn't have left a job to stay home b/c you are still working, just out of your house... job is still stressful and you are not a SAHM, you're a WAHM! Our daycare provider had mentioned to us (at-home provider) that it is really difficult to have your "home" be your office as a daycare provider b/c you don't have any real "separation" b/w "work" and "home".
I don't know that you can go back to work outside of your home and certainly you couldn't "stay home" financially, but can you rearrange your home so that the daycare and your "home" are not so combined?
While you find support and inspiration from his mother, it's possible that your DH doesn't. Beyond that, picking up and moving is much scarier than you are likely aware of for him... he's lived here his whole life and now you want to pack-up and move!
You're hitting him with ALOT here... pick one thing that you would like to see improve (start small) and go from there. You may not be able to move any time soon, especially if you own your home. Maybe the solution is to work outside of your home for a while or work part-time to supplement his income? Cut back on your expenses even further to make ends meet? Restructure your home-based business so that you aren't looking at the daycare all night!
Speak with your doctor- you may want to consider some short-term meds to get you through this until you get yourself pulled together.
Girl! You need to talk to your Dr about depression!!! This sucks!!
If you don't start talking to your husband and telling him that you need to have a change, then it will only get worse. Many times people do stupid things out of fear....your fear right now is what? Why are you not communicating to him just how bad it is for you? You NEED to talk to him. You also MUST talk to your dr about getting on some meds for depression or find a therapist that can help you get out of the "blues!" You are NOT alone!!!
My husband hates change too. However, he is at the point where he is VERY unhappy with his job and is ready for a change. Now, for him - that could a few months or longer - it's a slow process for him unless he's forced into it.
How great it is that you have a close relationship with your MIL!!! We often here horror stories!! How great this is!!!
Have him update his resume. Then research the job market like you did before and submit his resume for consideration. let them decide if he's the right candidate for the position. It might be the best thing that happened to all of you!!!
In regards to your inhome child care - you need to make sure that your parents know you are contemplating a change when you send his resume out...they need to be forewarned that you may be leaving them without a child care provider.
If you have enough children in your care - consider hiring a helper to take some of the stress off - you are already a business so having an employee will make your life a tad bit easier!
I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed/overwhelmed and unhappy right now.
I have a friend in a similiar situation and I'm wanting my husband to change careers as well, so I can sympathize.
A few things that have helped my friend and me:
Try finding a good therapist-and possibly one you can both go to together.
My husband's friend is a police officer-she has found great support for like minded people-support groups for wives of PO's, ect...maybe there is something like that for you in your area
Get out of the house and do something for yourself, (even just a walk), at least one night a week (or more)
Plan a date night once a month to reconnect
When it comes to the job - realize that change usually comes much more slowly for guys-I've learned baby steps with my husband...plant the seed, then drop it. Don't push. Then if a few weeks go by and he doesn't mention it-ask if he's thought about XXX. See what he says and go from there.
And finally-realize you are 50% partnership in the relationship and if moving is going to make you happier then your husband should at least be open to discussing it and looking at options. But sometimes that takes awhile to sink in too.
Good luck!
I agree with other suggestions of trying an antidepressant. Otherwise, keep the faith that things will get better. I've never had any family around and my husband works all the time and I work full-time. We're very comfortable financially which helps but when my kids were really young, it was so lonely and hard. I wanted my mom around so much. Likely part of your unhappiness stems from being lonely. If you're working at home, when do you have time for friends? As my kids have grown, I've made friends and they've turned into more of a support network and I'm much happier. 2 is still very young and a very needy age. It's DRAINING. You may be better off going back to work... If not, try an antidepressant and then as my sister says, when you wake up every day you have a decision to make - whether to be happy or unhappy. Start forcing yourself to choose happy. It takes awhile but it does help. Get some time away - leave your son w/ his dad on a weekend and go see a movie. It's so liberating. Something like The King's Speech - funny and motivating. Take some small steps to take control back. It's too easy to harp on thinking if you moved near your MIL you'd be all better. I'm sure it'd help but since it's unlikely to happen, decide what you can do now that would help. And hang in there - it will get better.
Sounds like you've had some postpartum since your son was born....Ugh smoking...You two really need to communicate and have a serious conversation on where you want to end up...Goals, future, long term etc...I would also suggest some counseling for your mental well being. Is there any way you can work part time? Can your MIL babysit a few days a week so you can bring in some extra cash? I am sorry you are feeling stressed out...I know what that's like. I am working fulltime and have three little ones. I would prefer to be home..It is a lot to handle..I myself am overwhlemed but take it day by day. Hang in there...Gotta get organized and a game plan in order for your life and home :)
Depression may be the answer here. But mainly I think you need to get out and make some friends. Years ago I moved, about 100 miles, to be with a bf. I didn't know anyone there and I had always thought he was a very social person, turns out he was kinda reclusive. He had a few friends but I didn't like them. His one really close friend I thought was a real sleeze, had a wife and a girlfriend. He had a really nice condo but didn't get along with his neighbors. And we were living near Palm Springs and I hated the desert. I had no one to talk to. I finally convinced him to move and it didn't help, he was just too reclusive and didn't want friends. I love the beach and he hated it. Our relationship fell apart after we moved again, after my brother died and we moved to Wisconsin to be with my parents. I had known this man for 7-8 yrs before I moved in with him and while I had always liked and cared deeply for him we were just too different to live together. I was sad a lot of the time and I know now that had I had some friends things would have been so much easier.
Convincing your hubby to move may be the solution to making you happy but not him. He might resent the fact that he gave up his job and a home he likes to please you. I think couples counseling might be the answer for you. The main issue here is the fact that he doesn't seem to care how you are feeling. He is willing to be a great husband and work two jobs so you can stay home and take care of your child, so he is financially involved but not emotionally involved in your marriage. He needs to find out why he doesn't see that your happiness is important also.
