lMONSTER Inlaw

I have 2 daughters and they both have lots of used things. Some of us don't want to spend tons of money on brand new things that won't be used long. I don't even like buying new clothes for the girls so we shop for used. It sounds to me like you're simply whining that she's not spending enough money on the baby. You need to re-evaluate why on earth it matters to you so much. A lamp can be used for Years, hence why she would spend so much on a good one. A toy on the other hand is used until it is eventually looked over for something else, or put away for another child. All-in-all, possessions equal squat! How she treats the child will be much more important than what she buys for him or her. My mom gave my daughters old used toys of my niece's, and they were all dirty, smelly, and some were broken. It didn't bother me. I washed what I wanted to keep and tossed out or donated everything else.

I think you just described my EXMIL!! She used to frustrate me soooo bad. She had 3 boys and really wanted a girl . .. when I was having a girl, she would buy my boys things!!! Even when she got older still bought her boy clothes - weird!!

If you cannot stand this woman, find a new living situation. You can't change her.

I have friends whose old auntie has plenty of money and still gives them gifts like used curling irons and such-- apparently auntie sees some value in these things, and my friends just say 'thanks', enjoy their time with her, and feel no obligation to use the white elephant items they get. (Most get donated.)

Family is a really mixed bag. My late, very doting and well-intentioned grandmother used to send us bikinis with size D cups when we were about 8 and 5 years old. She thought she was sending something we could use when we were older. A bit 'off', but she meant well by it.

Only you can decide how you want to handle this...

Well, isn't venting the same as complaining? What's wrong with complaining? I haven't read the posts you're talking about yet, but I don't understand what they are fussing at you about...

If someone wants to tell you that you are wrong about being upset about the gifts, fine - that's their point of view. But you have every right to fuss about it and ask if you are overreacting. That's what LOTS of women do on this site, every day.

Here's my view on your complaint: giving you broken dime store stuff and beat up boxes is not a gift. It's an after-thought. Throw all of it away. If the toys from the yard sale are not salvageable, pitch them too. If they aren't, store them for later.

What I am more upset about is why you allowed her to move in with you all when she owns all these properties and obviously doesn't need to live with you. Why did you allow this? Did your husband demand it?

You need to get your husband to agree that she needs to go live in one of her own properties so that you can be with him alone when the baby comes. If you are not feeling GREAT about her living with you, she should not be there. She isn't in need and you are unhappy with her in your home.

I really mean it, Mom. Work on this with your husband.

OK--it's not your BF's mother's responsibility to buy ANYTHING for your baby.
It's also not OK for you to care how she spends HER money.
Say a polite "thank you" and stow the things somewhere. You might use the stuff and you might not. Toss what you don't (discretely) after some time passes.
Yes--you're overreacting and you're acting a wee bit like a spoiled brat.

Oh...well, if ya already bought it "yourselfs".....

People like this that have lots of money and own property.. my mom used to say, the reason they have all of this money is because they are tight with their money.

They purchase cheap or used because they would never pay retail.. They are willing to use these things so they assume so will her family.

Is her own living area filled with old or cheaply made items? Does she eat cheaply, not eat out, wears old clothing and does not purchase new clothes?

Again. all signs of a person that is tight with their money. Nothing wrong with this, because it is her choice.

Now IF she has other children and when they had babies purchased all new gifts.. you would know there was a problem.

Otherwise this is just who she is.

My mom grew up at the end of the depression. Her mom and dad always worked outside of the home. They have never had a lot of money.. at one point my mom and her siblings lived in the projects with their mom. My mother never had brand new clothes until she started working as a young teen. . They were used and donated clothing or my grandmother and great grandmother made their clothing.

My mother hates to pay retail.. she will go to the clearance section and shop. She adores garage sales. She purchases used clothing toys etc.. for the grandchildren.. Now she does a great job. Things are in almost new condition or bonus will have the labels still on them.. This did not bother me, but my sister was appalled. But she has always been a label snob..

Just place the items to the side. and if they are not safe, just throw them away..

The things from the dollar store can be donated or see if you can take them back. She actually sounds confused, bless her heart.. If she seems to be getting worse.. maybe mention to her son he take her to the doctor.

Is there any way you all can get your own place? Especially with a baby coming, not going to be fun for her, hearing that baby cry all night or all of that baby stuff allover the place.

I totally get what you are saying. It isnt' a question of a used gift it's a crappy used gift Which sort of implies she thinks you/baby don't deserve decent stuff, not crazy expensives stuff but decent stuff.

not that this is the same but my dad's wife thinks she is all that with a sewing machine, and did make a very pretty baby blanket for my son, She wanted to personalize it and keep harrassing us for a picture, all we had was the website from the hospital photos which are like DMV photos in my opinion, and at the time i was too sleep deprived to mail her out a snapshot. so she found a friend to help her get online and try to find mysons's photo on the hospital link, and scanned a photo onto the pillow case of the baby blanket. sooooooooooooo. I open it at the meet the baby shower at my church and there is this huge 10X12 scanned photo of someone else's BABY on the pillow case cover of this beautiful blanket. Well hell, i could never look at the stupid blanket after that. the whole thing was tainted, she could have just left it alone and left it plain or embrordered his name or something but noooooooooooooooooo ugggg.

so not the same but still the feeling of ickiness.

Good luck, hon, and i hope you guys fine your way to being able to live together and love you precious little one.

Hard to say without seeing how she gives you these things. Is she smirking and kind of mocking you? Or given the baby's not even born yet, is she casually getting you things when she's out and they're not supposed to be "big" gifts? Also, why do you say boyfriend/husband? Is he your husband or boyfriend? If you guys aren't married, I hate to say it but that may cause her to have an attitude. And how old is she? Sometimes older people are a bit daft and don't get that the toy is broken.

I do understand how that bothers you. I think that you are projecting your insecurities about how she feels about you onto everything she does.

It's possible that she has money, but she has it because in most cases of her life she is frugal. Also, you can have wealth and still be cash poor. Owning all of the property you say she does, does not mean she has ready access to it value.

If it really bothers you, say "thank-you" and move on.....just because you have never heard of a lotion or shampoo, doesn't mean it isn't any good. It just means they haven't spent millions of dollars in advertising.

Just throw the stuff away, you can even slam the lid, its very satisfying. The last treasure that got brought to my house was a toy for my baby that had some other kids slober and dried snot all over it. My dh knows by know, if it doesnt have a tag, garbage, if it doesnt say on it that it is safe for the age (0+ months), garbage. You can bet if theres a broken piece of trash toy in a dollar clearance bin somewhere, its going to end up at my house. The thing that makes me maddest is when they bring over really cheap stuffed animals that you can rip.the stuffing out of, since my SIL almost choked to.death eating the stuffing from a similar animal when she was a toddler, youd think they would have a clue...
I will never understand the logic of what they do, probably the same for your MIL, just toss it and if she asks about it later, it broke or wasnt safe for baby so you threw it away.
I have asked a similar question to this a few times, mostly about how to.handle it when my MIL gives the kids toys that are not safe. Some suggestions I got were:
Do a registry so she can pick from that.
Act gracious and then toss it later.
Say what we really like it time with you, we dont need you to bring us stuff.
What I have found worked is we just started asking, or having our daughter ask now that shes old enough, for specific things, then they just get that. They still.bring a lit of trash over too, but it has decreased in quantity. When she gets the item we asked for, we make a big deal out of how much dd liked it. Perhaps you could try that, maybe 'thanks so much, MIL, but what we really need is diapers, I bet you know the best places to.get good deals on them', lol, I dont know if that will work but its worth a shot.

So... you're upset that your mother in law isn't spending enough of HER money on YOUR unborn baby? Yeah, I'd say that's overreacting. And more than that, it's petty and spoiled to assume that she owes you something, or a certain amount of expensive gifts. Perhaps she's able to afford all of the real estate she owns because she does shop at dollar stores and garage sales. Either way, s he's under no obligation to buy you things. If she chooses to shop at the dollar store or garage sales, that's her choice. It's your choice whether you use the stuff she's given you or not.

If she wants to buy herself a thousand dollar lamp and get your baby a two dollar toy, so what? At least she's thinking of your baby. **Just read your new last paragraph and I still don't think you get it. She's giving you something. It's her choice what she gives and how she gives it. Sometimes the little things like a bottle of shampoo here and a t-shirt there don't seem like much, but it means she is thinking of you frequently and cares enough to include you in her daily life. And that's a nice thing in a mother in law. I'd take that over fancy wrapping paper any day.

As someone below said, just be gracious and throw it out where she won't see you threw it out. My Dad is good for buying strange items for his grandkids. Heavy magnet paperclip holders that could break a toe when dropped, anyone? I am sure they came from a yard sale or 99 cent type store. For a 2 year old and 5 year old. That was a more memorable one. I smiled and said thanks and they went bye-bye. I have also learned to be much more specific as to what the kids like and for our new baby, the registry was very helpful. I think she is just very cheap and if she really wanted to hurt you, would be giving you nothing at all for the baby, ignoring the fact you are pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if you registered and then she bought you a cheaper facsimile or a used version of what you registered for, thinking she could buy more gifts that way instead of paying full price. I can be a bit frugal myself so it is not hard for me to imagine that scenario. And, I think the birth will be a great time to gift MIL with some nice framed photos of you, the Daddy, and the baby. Pictures she will want to display instead of those old photos with his ex. In fact, I would suggest giving those every once in awhile as baby grows.

Just take the items, say thank you and throw them away. I know what you are going through since I have a monster in law. She would give me used gifts and I would just throw them away. When my daughter was born she bought nothing for her. But now that my son is here she buys clothes, baby food, etc. She has alzhiemers and doesn't remember that she did nothing and made her usual comments. Maybe because you are not married, this may bother her. I am not making excuses for her but maybe when the baby arrives things may change. My mother on the other hand bought everything for my daughter. Diapers, formula, clothes, toys, whatever we needed. Now with my son she hardly buys anything. She will buy something for my daughter and "find" something for my son also. She can't give one without giving to the other. But nothing like she did when my daughter was born. She would keep my daughter overnight so we could get some sleep but she won't keep my son.
Look at it this way... atleast she thinks of you and the baby when she is out shopping or at yard sales. Save the shampoo or lotion for when the baby is older and can handle a no name shampoo.
Talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you are feeling and see what he says. Let him know that this bothers you. As she gives you these things throw them out right away. Don't hang onto them and move on. Best of luck and Congrats!

Stop worrying about this. It's not worth your time and energy. Concentrate on your little one. Throw away anything that is dangerous.

Your relationship with her is what you make it. It'd be nice if she bought nice things for the baby, but you are not entitled to it. She can spend HER money however she wants to. If she wants a lamp, she can buy a lamp without you judging her. Geez, give the woman a break.

It;s not a gift. My mom whenever she watched my daughter when she was little would bring a pack or two of diapers or lotion or something...it wasn;t a present, it was her thinking about us when she was at the store and wanting to help out. It's not like she's giving her a used broken toy for chrsitmas, it's for no reason. She J. saw it and the baby is on her mind and picked it up?! it's sweet the baby is on her mind as well as you.
She doesnt owe random gifts for no reason. My ex's mom does this same thing and I'm greatful and my daughter loves her "new" toys and games and clothes, I buy used for everything except birthdays and christmas presents for other peoples kids...
if i was at the store and saw a used toy and thought my niece would like it, I'd grab it...because then it's not a present J. more of a hey I thought you would like this kind of thing
btw I'd be sad (not really, i'd understand but a little bummed)if my ex's family took down all pictures with M. in it....i was in their family for 14 years and will always be since my daughter is their gradchild

The stuff that is broken or has missing pieces, I would throw away.

BUT the stuff from the 99 cent store maybe you should put in a closet and old on to. Never know - you might be in a pinch and need one of those crappy little items.

I lived with my husband for many years before we got married. My mother would not acknowledge a martial relationship between us and did not consider our relationship permanent because we were not married. Maybe your boyfriend's mother feels the same way - if you two are truly committed to each other, you should get married. If not, then you don't have a true lifetime commitment and she sees you as "temporary." That's not my opinion, I'm just saying maybe she feels that way, I know my mom did.

She sounds a bit like my MIL (well, my MIL sounds better, but ... ). She buys very strange things for my kids. Sometimes they're age appropriate. Sometimes my husband and I look at eachother and shrug. She does so much for her daughter and their kids and sees them all the time (because they live with her) and that's fine, but it do wish feel kind of bad for my kids.

The thing is, my kids don't know the difference. Also, she doesn't owe us anything. So my husband and I try to be really happy for everything that she does and really excited for the kids when they are able to see her and when she does something for them.

I think it's really important to try and focus on the good. Try (the operative word here is "try") to be happy and thankful for each thing that she does do, and try not to think about anything she does not do or anything she does wrong or weird. The more you are able to do that, the happier you will be. And that's really the important thing right now.

If she sees that you are grateful, she might try harder to do things for you. Bonus! But remember, your happiness (and that of your SO and your child) is what's most important in this situation.

Is he your husband or your boyfriend? There IS a difference you know. Anyway, my sister USED to have a mother in law like that. She would bring her stuff from a garage sale, in a trash bag, or even a trash can, and hand it to her. My sister was always so mad at her, picked apart everything her mother in law did, even if she was trying to be nice. She is divorced now.

You should be able to vent if you would like. On a side note, when she does bring you things that you do not want to keep, just say thank you. Why dont you put these items in a box, bin, plastic bag or something and donate them to a women's shelter?

Here's the thing, I totally don't mind if someone buys me or my child something used for a gift. I'm all into reduce, reuse, recycle. There is way too much new stuff on this earth just filling up space. HOWEVER, it is not being a good gift giver to give things that are broken or have missing pieces. That is junk. Filling a home with junk isn't good for our peaceful home just as much as filling it with a bunch of new stuff. I understand your frustration. There is quite the possibility that she is just a really bad gift giver. My Mom is hit and miss. She grew up with depression era parents and has struggled much of her life, so saving meant really penny pinching. Despite the fact that she has money now, she still gives little trinkety gifts that no one wants and quite often I know she is re-gifting something to me that has no bearing on who I am or who our family is. She is someone who practically needs to be told exactly what a good gift for us would be. New or used, doesn't make a difference, but she needs to be educated a bit.

With that said, it's still a gift and therefore, basic manners still apply. A simple, 'oh, thank you for the thought. Perhaps we can fix this, if not I'm sure someone at Goodwill would like to have it and fix it up.' Or, to show true manners, just say thank you and leave it at that. If she ever asks about it, it's okay to be honest (but polite) and tell her that it was not something you were able to use and gave it away.

Best,
S.