Looking upon the Disabled

My son is very young, almost 4. He doesn't even notice differences, that I can tell. (Actually, he might. He just doesn't care!) Children with disabilities, children who don't fit in...they love to play with my son. He loves to play with anyone, so I think they feel good around him. I hope the he remains sweet and compassionate toward all others, especially those who don't always fit in neatly. We will certainly teach him that it is NEVER OK to talk badly about anyone.

I struggle around people with mental disabilities. NOT because I think badly of them!! I don't, and I certainly would never treat them badly. I grew up in a very small area, and did not even see someone with a disability until I was just about on my own. The boy was extremely non verbal autistic. I just don't know how to talk to, or act around people with disabilities. I hope that my son can benefit from growing up in a diverse area, and not have my lack of experience.

Imo kids who are mean to disabled people-or anyone-have bad parents. I mean especially if you saw the parents standing by and doing nothing. My kids have never reacted badly to disabled people. I prepared them just in case during times they may have been wondering about them when we have seen them and my kids were young and said nothing. We discussed it and I told them what the issue was, that they are just nice people with certain disabilities and that it's not OK to stare or point and they should just smile and treat them like anyone else. I told them if they EVER see someone making fun of them, that is bullying and they are to stand up for the disabled person.

If my kids were ever accidentally standing by or -god forbid- pulled into bad behavior toward a disabled person by peer pressure or something, there would be hell for my kids to pay-and it wouldn't happen. That's how I was raised. My mom always worked with disabled people and I went with her to volunteer at a deaf and blind school and we went to many events with disabled people. I cannot FATHOM being cruel. I was NOT brought up that way. It's the lowest form of horrid when people act like that, and again BAD PARENTING.

Good parents who are not cruel and do not tolerate cruelty will not have kids being cruel unless the child is a genetic exception and psychotic. These groups of kids being bullies and jerks just have bad parents. Period. Even if the parents aren't evil themselves, then they're inept and negligent.

My son is 6, he is very matter of fact with things. Partly because he is ADHD and partly because i am very matter of fact with things. He went to a school for a while with students that were down, wheelchair bound, non verbal etc. He would say,"Gabby does not talk much huh?" and I would say something like, "You're right, but what does Gabby do instead?" In this case Gabby clapped, blinked and squeeled. Or with Maci who used a walker we discussed that her legs needed help but that she is very speedy (her walker had wheels in the back). So we discuss the difference and we discuss a positive about the person too so he learns to see beyond the "obvious" disability. I think part of the "issue" may also be that children with disabilities were "hidden" and much less intergrated into society and schools like they are today. Growing up I ran into very few students who were disabled either mentally, physically or both. My son has been exposed to and friends with quite a few in his 6yrs. If you think about it many down syndrom, spectrum, deaf etc children went to specialized schools or lived in facilities when our parents went to school. When many of us went to school they were there but hardly seen (in my and my fiancees experience) since they were in a special ed room all day. The exposure has increased during the generations and some never learned any better growing up. At least that is the only rationale I can come up with here.

When I was a cashier, on one of my first days at a new store, a mother and her baby (Who couldn't have been more than a few months old) were in my line. The baby had large lacy red "birth mark" (Not sure how else to describe it, the baby was clearly born with it and would have it until it was medically fixed) covering the upper right half of her face. There were two boys with their grandmother in line behind this woman, they were about 8 or 9. They were making fun of this baby!!! ... THEY WERE MAKING FUN OF A BABY!!! And their grandmother? Just stood there and said nothing! The baby was obviously unaffected by this, but the mother looked like she was about to cry. After telling the mother just how beautiful I thought her little girl was and finished checking out her stuff, I had a few choice words with the two boys and their grandmother while I checked out their stuff as slowly as possible (It's a cashier's only weapon, Lol). I hope that what I said to those two boys sunk in.

A few months later, something happened that just blew my mind. I was literally speechless for several minutes because I just could not believe what was happening. It was later in the evening, my lane was empty, and I was just straightening up my area. A man was checking out in the lane next to mine. He was older, very scruffy/dirty, and was attempting to buy us out of canned goods (He seriously had two carts full of canned goods)... He was a bit condescending to the female cashier checking him out but it's nothing that we aren't used to. He wanted someone to help him get all of the stuff out to his car, and the cashier called a stock-man. The stock-man that answered the call was a young black man. The customer was PISSED. "That (N-word) isn't touching my food, blah blah blah". I was STUNNED. It was 2011! I suddenly felt like I was in the early 1900s. Everyone else around us pretty much had the same reaction. The customer just kept going off on the stock-man, first attacking him because of the color of his skin and then attacking him because he was Jewish (Which I'm still not sure how he made that leap because even though the stock-man was Jewish he didn't have an stereotypical "Jewish features" - I didn't know he was Jewish until after this incident). After several completely speechless moments, I stepped in between the two of them (The stock-man looked like he was about to punch the customer) and told the stock-man to go ask a CSM for a break to calm down. Then I told the customer that I would do the carry out for him so that he could get on his way (As much as I wanted to yell at this guy, I was still in trouble for yelling at the grandma and the two boys). He continued, cussing and yelling at the stock-man as the stock-man was walking around trying to find a CSM. I told the cashier to cancel out his transaction, told the customer that we would not be helping him any further, told him that if he still wished to make his purchases he could do so at the customer service desk after speaking with a manger, put all of his stuff back in his cart, and pushed it over to customer service. When he started to go off on me about that I gladly explained to him that it was our policy not to serve customers who harassed the employees or the other customers and that he had done both since he harassed the stock-man several times, and he had harassed the other customer's with his obsessive cussing. When the manager learned what happened, she told him that we would not sell him our products and that he could buy them somewhere else... Then she walked him to the door and we all did a silent cheer! :)

I remember like it was yesterday the first time my son "noticed" someone that was different. It was at a parade and the kids were all picking up candy thrown from the procession. Kids AND on Downs man in his 60's. my then 3 year old son kind of kept looking at him like "he's taking the candy that's for the kids". After the parade he said something about the "man getting the candy" and I just said that he had a condition that was like his body got older but his mind stated much like a kid's. he accepted that wholeheartedly as a fact of life. He's always held doors for wheel hairs, moms with strollers, etc. He has reached out to many autistic classmates -- spending many recesses throwing a ball to O. boy because " no O. else will play with him. He's got a great heart and an accepting nature in general. (Sorry to brag!)
The way I see it, with disabilities, and so many other things in life, you're either raised right or you're not. That goes from mocking someone different to writing a thank you note to basic table manners.

Yesterday, I took my 5 year old son to the park. There is a slide connected to a jungle gym with a rope climbing wall and some logs that move to run across. My son loves the slide and climbing up the regular steps, but the rope climbing wall and especially on the logs he still gets nervous about when he tries them. Yesterday, he did much better with the rope climbing wall. Usually the park is practically empty of kids when we go, but yesterday there were several groups of kids there.

One group of kids must have been from a school for disabled children. I saw several kids with Down syndrome. One boy with Down syndrome was playing on the rope climbing wall. The boy must have been about 9 or 10 years old. As he climbed up the rope, he was carefully placing each foot and saying to himself where he would place his foot on the ropes next. When he reached the top, he said. "Wow, that was a little bit scary, but I did it!"

My son watched this boy, and then I saw my son follow the boy's method. Later my son walked up to me and said, "Mom, even the big kids are sometimes scared to climb on the rope wall. I was surprised that a big kid was scared too! But I saw him climb up, so I tried to climb too, and I did it!" I congratulated my son on his big effort, and was about to tell him that the big kid he watched had Down syndrome. Then right there in the middle of my thoughts of how to explain Down syndrome to a 5 year old, something stopped me. I had this overwhelming sense of joy in recognizing that my son had seen the boy just as any other kid, not someone to be labled. My son hadn't even noticed that the boy looked different. So, instead of mentioning how the boy was differrent from us, I went another route. I smiled and told my son, "Even when you get bigger, there will always be something that might scare you. But if you have a good attitude like the boy you watched climb the rope had, you will be able to try your best and maybe even overcome your fears. I am glad that boy was there for you to see how he climbed the rope. And I am happy that you tried to follow how he did it. I loved seeing you smiling at the top!"

I grew up with an uncle who had a speech impairment, was blind, and had lost one leg. I hated seeing my cousins and other kids pointing at my uncle and laughing at him. I also now have a slight disability, although it is not particulary noticable. I have no grip in my left hand after cutting a tendon in my thumb. I used to be left-handed. I get the stares when I am trying to get small change out to pay for something and drop the coins, or if someone tries to hand me something quickly and I drop it. It is not fun to be singled out as being different.

I think it is horrible to make fun of someone for a reason that they have no control over. As for those kids who made fun of your guy, I probably would have said something to them. I understand why you felt hurt. You see your guy for the wonderful traits he has. Perhaps those kids' parents were shocked that their kid was making fun of someone with a disability. They may have been struggling with what to say to their child. They may not have wanted to cause a bigger scene by calling their kids out in public. They may have said something later to their kid. The parents may have been worried about how you or your guy would react to their disciplining their child in front of you both for making fun of him. Or sadly, the parents may not have even noticed, but I want to believe that most people are good and would not let this just slide without saying something to their kid later. If I were in your shoes, I would try to find a way to educate those kids and explain about your guy's disability in a non-defensive way. I' m not sure exactly how I would do that though.

My sister had Rett Syndrome and we of course got many looks as our happy little entourage (ie my mom, my sis and I) were out and about. Usually children were super sweet. So in my opinion those kids got those attitudes most likely from the adults standing near them. In my personal experience children were so loving I think the only thing that could alter this would be from outside influence. My hubby and I were reading the story of a man one time who became like a high ranking wizard in the KKK. He had changed his life at he time of his interview, but he shared that when he was young he and his dad were at a store and a black man came up and this boy had never seen anyone black before. He got all excited an said 'look daddy, a chocolate man!' His dad said, 'that ain't no chocolate man, that's a (N word)!' And he said his heart was hardened and that sweetness was gone. So I would personally assume that was the opinion of some uneducated parents and move on. Sorry you had to go through that.

My kids are certainly not mean or disrespectful. I taught them from an early age to be respectful of everyone, and for those that are disabled in some way, to try to be helpful--because the disabled have a hard enough time already. I think it sunk it pretty well.

Sometimes after we see someone who is mentally disabled, they will become a little quiet for a short time--I assume they are contemplating what it might be like for that person, or perhaps being thankful for the grace the gifts that they have in their health and mental ability.

I have a little nephew who has Down's and though we do not live very near them (about 5 hours away) we do see them a couple of time a year. My kids know that he is developmentally different than other kids his age. They don't treat him unkindly, and try to play with him and include/involve him the best they can. It is hard, though, because not seeing him often it is difficult to keep abreast of what his current abilities are. He is basically non-verbal, and he is not yet 5 years old. They don't want to upset him, so they try to just follow the cues set by him and the other adults around.

I would be appalled if my children were cruel in the way you described in your post. And I certainly would have reprimanded them for it. Rather than cause a scene, I would probably have quickly pulled them away/to the side and given them a stern what-for... but I would have corrected them. And I probably would have had a longer conversation when we got back to the car or someplace more private. You would not have seen it. But my kids out-grew the staring at those who are different a while back. They are 14 and 11 years old.
I think if you approach it with compassion from an early age, kids outgrow or learn to self-monitor/manage the staring/gawking phase pretty young.... like maybe around 6 or 7.

I'm sorry that happened to you and your escort. It sounds like it was a magical moment for him and the little boy with the sword.

We have a few disabled kids and young adults in our neighborhood whom we are friendly with and say hello to, stop and chat with, when we see them or them with their parents. I like these families and want to get to know them. We explain as we go, as our son has questions from time to time, and try not to over-explain either. At nearly six, I can't explain too far ahead when discussing disabilities with him. We keep it simple and to the point; some people are born missing some body parts; some people look different, but no one looks the same either because we are all different, both on the inside and the outside. I can talk about the love the mom of a sweet CP kid we know down the street has for her child and how happy her child makes her family. Or how we always see another neighbor out with her walker, getting her exercise every day. The guy at the pizza place has a bright blue artificial leg; he's a veteran. Being differently able is what we try to reflect. We're all good at something, but none of us are good at everything!

I should also add that we taught our son a while ago that when we do see differences in others, we don't point it out, but that he can ask me later on when we are alone. He knows that this is how we care for the feelings of others. He is very rarely rude to anyone.

I work in a middle school in a self-contained classroom (for students with multiple disabilities)..... my students go to a regular choir class.

It always encourages me to see, as we walk down the hall, the students that reach out to "high five" our students..... (one of my students is very social, and probably knows almost all of the students in the school... and there are about 900 kids! He calls out to them by name...)

It is also very encouraging that the students in the choir class include my students in the different activities we do..... (some of the regular kids are VERY accepting of the differences my students have.... one of the regular ed kids has a cousin with down syndrome....)

I'm not sure that we've really had many inappropriate comments..... but if someone does say something, I feel completely at ease correcting their behavior or commenting about it... that is expected of me as a staff member to make sure none of the students (regular ed or SPED) get bullied.....

In a public situation? I'm not sure how I would act... but I probably WOULD have said something to them..... more of a "how would you feel if this were your brother, cousin, etc. and someone was making rude comments?"

It doesn't matter, if a person is disabled or not, or different.
Sure.
But, kids often parrot their parents.
This is not only with disabled or SPED kids/adults.
For example: when my daughter was only in Preschool... she was bullied and mocked and told she couldn't play with a certain group of girls. Why? She was told "you can't play with us, we have blonde hair and you don't."
So you see... appearances, affect people and their meanness, upon others. I reported this to my daughter's Preschool teacher at that time. She said, they always, have problems with this girl. And the parents. And that, she predicted that this girl, would be a real bully/mean girl, all her life. And you know what? She is. Because, this girl, also goes to my daughter's elementary school and is in her same grade level. And this girl, each year, has bullied and been mean to many kids... both girls and boys alike. Why? Because, she has blonde hair and the other kids don't. She only plays, with certain people, according to appearance.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

So you see, it is not only with the disabled population, that people are mean to. Kids and adults, are mean... to all types of people. Not justified.

My kids have personally never had a problem with "different" kids.
In their school, the "sped" kids are mainstreamed. I know many of them myself, I work at my kids' school.
As a whole, the student population at my kids' school, are kind and gracious, to those kids. The Teachers, also make sure of that.
My daughter when in Kindergarten, actually befriended an Autistic boy and used to help him. Even if he had an Aide. The Mom of the boy, was so grateful. I never made my daughter be "nice" to him. She just did. It is the way she is. And we never as adults, talked about them any different. They are people.
My Husband used to help handicapped people too. Even developmentally disabled, adults.

being nasty to anyone else was never allowed to fly in this house. didn't matter if the victim was disabled or not. not only would i not permit it, but i honestly think my boys are too nice to want to.
i'm sorry that happened to your handsome escort.
khairete
S.

I used to work with people with developmental and physical disabilities, so that population is very near and dear to my heart. My kids know that and have been around people with disabilities so they know that there is nothing "weird" or "wrong" with them. They are just people who may need help in a different way that we do. My daughter in particular is very sensitive to people with disabilities and stands up to her friends and other if they say negative things about them.
I have corrected other kids for their remarks. And, in your example of the grocery store I would have said something.
People have a negative response to people and things they aren't familiar with, but there's a lesson in there about using manners that I am willing to talk about even if the parents won't. It makes me angry when I think about it very much, but in the moment, I will calmly defend others especially when they are kids who a. should know better, but don't, and b. don't have the manners to be kind.

How awful! My girls are at the age where they are starting to notice differences. We have not encountered anyone with a noticable disability, but I know we will at some time. I have planned my answers already.
When they ask "What's wrong with him/her?" If I know what the difference is I will say, "They were born differently than you were(or had something happen) and they need a wheelchair (or whatever) to walk because their legs don't work the same as ours do." or whatever will fit the situation. If I don't know what caused them to be different than we are, but lets go talk to them and see if they want to be friends. (or something to that effect)
My parents never mentioned or exposed us to anyone that was differently abled than us and I had an uncomfortable feeling around anyone who was different. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I didn't want to offend anyone and would never be ugly. I was just uncomfortable.
There was a guy at a dance once (at church for teens) and this guy in a wheelchair came up to me and using a letter board, asked me to dance. I didn't know what to do!!! I had no trouble saying 'yes', but I didn't know what to do! So I just danced. He moved his wheelchair in time to the music, popped 'wheelies' and all kinds of things. I ended up embarrased at my discomfort and flattered that he asked me and amazed that he was so totally comfortable with himself.
He danced the rest of the night with a friend of mine who was completely comfortable around him. I swore I wouldn't let my discomfort stifle me again.
I don't want me children to be in the same boat as I was. I have a very close friend who has a son with asbergers and my girls have talked with him on the phone. They are 4 and he is 9, but emotionally very much the same age as my girls. They get along great. I do worry about how to handle it when he has a 'meltdown' around my girls. I'm not sure how to explain to them that they are not allowed to act that way, but he has a harder time controlling that part of himself. I think I will post a question!

My kids do nothing different. My son is a Starlight child due to a health issue he has. My little one will be when he is older. The first time we went to an event they had, my kids were very curious about all the other kids. Looking at my son, you can not tell he has a problem. Looking at these other kids, in wheelchairs, with major burn scarring, limb issues, and a lot of other disabilities, my kids asked a lot of questions. But they did not make fun. There is a guy in our neighborhood. He is in a wheelchair and really seemed attached to my youngest daughter. My kids handled him better than I did. Of course it helped that they knew who he was. I was more--why is this grown man interested in my 4 yr old? One of my daughters has told a kid from the next block to get a life and see how it would be to not be able to do stuff when he made fun of this man. How would he like it? There was an autistic girl at their school (went on to HS now) that she also defended, made fun of just because she is different. Many kids have no clue how to be respectful--and their parents can be worse.

My daughter is 9 and she's very accepting and welcoming to all kids. To the naked eye my son appears typical however as soon as he makes noise or walks for that matter it is obvious he is not. He is 6. My daughter realizes that not all disabilities are seen and even if they are it doesn't matter. Now, I realize this is just on tv but whenever she sees or hears Hawking she always comments on how smart he is and that just because he can't talk that doesn't mean he isn't smart. She uses this logic with her own brother. She is very protective of other children; whenever a child who appears different is being teased she always has a positive comeback.

I hope she is always accepting, welcoming and friends with people of all abilities. Whenever I find adults(mainly in my experience)judging or making comments about what my child is doing or an aspect of my parenting regarding my child I tell them to think before they speak. I'm not always nice and my son makes sure I know how wrong it is when I'm not. I don't try to bring the negativity of others to his attention and thankfully he does not, at least as I know, understand how cruel people can be. I try to educate others more often than not but I am only human and yes sometimes I get angry and make a snide comment back. I know I need to work on that.